DesigNate Robertson

The Unhappy Camper Embraces His Despair

2012-01-27T20:41:00.000-05:00

ZEPHYR: Hello, Chrysanthum, dark angel of the abyss. I see you’ve arrived early for our weekly meeting of the dark children of evil. Welcome to my lair.

CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. The moon is full and my despair has reached unfathomable levels. Also, your mom said to be sure we’re done down here by ten before her bridge club arrives.

ZEPHYR: Oh, that foul woman. How she tortures me so. I long for the day when our dark lord arrives to strike her and her wicked ways down and deliver us to our destinies. Oh. I see you’ve brought someone with you this enchanted evening.

CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. We met at the 7-11 buying Slurpees. His sorrow matches and possibly surpasses even yours, I feel. He wishes to share his pain with us.

ZEPHYR: Oh my. I’ve longed for another to share despair on my level. And what is your name, child of the night?

BRANDON INGE: Hey there. I’m Brandon. Swell basement your mom has here.

ZEPHYR: Please stop seeing with your eyes and begin exploring with your damaged soul. This is no basement. This is our Lair of Sadness. Where us discarded children of the damned gather to express our pain without fear of ridicule from those that are a disease to the planet.

INGE: Oh. Sorry. Well, I sure as heck appreciate you letting me sit in tonight. Is it just the three of us?

CHRYSANTHUM: There is a Cure tribute band playing in town. Our brothers and sisters will have gathered there this eve. Sadly Zephyr is grounded from venturing out due to getting a D in history class.

ZEPHYR: Yes. My mother insists on keeping me imprisoned in this forsaken place. But there will be at least one more of our brothers arriving tonight, I believe. Tell me your tale of pain, Brandon. But first, we should remove your name given by the light. Embrace the darkness, my brother. And arise as, um, Salem!

INGE: Salem? Golly. That’s a good one. Well, here’s the deal. I’ve been at my job for over a decade. And sure, I’m not the biggest or the best. But I sure try hard! And the fans LOVE me. But they keep trying to replace me. First Pudge, then Miguel, and now Prince.

ZEPHYR: A prince of darkness?

INGE: Sure, he’s kinda dark, but I don’t think that should matter what color he is. Point is, I’m not a happy camper and I let the Skipper know that! Sure my knees are shot. And I had mono. And I can’t hit anymore. But I’m lifting weights! I should get another shot!

CHRYSANTHUM: You poor angel of suffering.

ZEPHYR: Sadly, Salem, you are not alone. All of us are connected by our misery. The world picks at our internal scars with their cruelty. The minute we were born, we began to die. But together, we are strong. Our goal is to ultimately die holding hands with each other. And we will emerge in a world where we will no longer be in pain. Or be alone anymore.

INGE: Well, I’m not exactly in pain or alone. I’ve got Shani. And the kids. And millions of dollars.

ZEPHYR: What exactly do you do, Salem?

INGE: I’m a baseball player. With the Tigers here in Detroit.

CHRYSANTHUM: He must know Dragonheartless.

INGE: Dragonheartless?

ZEPHYR: Sigh. Yes. Another of YOUR kind that came to us in need.

INGE: Where is this Dragonheartless?

/door shoots open

FU-TE NI: Herro, Blandon! You rast pelson Fu expect to see in Basement of Sollow!

INGE: Fu? Is that you?

NI: I am Dlagonhealtress now, Blandon. Prease show lespect.

ZEPHYR: He is no longer Brandon. He has risen as Lord Salem.

NI: Oh. Sarem. It’s stirr nice to see you.

INGE: Fu…I mean, Dragonheartless, I don’t think we really belong here. This might be a mistake. And are those whiskers?

CHRYSANTHUM: See? I told you that looks stupid, Dragonheartless.

NI: I rike them. And I no reave, Sarem! These all my fliends! Filst Upstate Barrel tladed to Seattre. Blad Thomas go back home in Austlaria. Then Wirr Lhymes get filed and go to Lays. Ni have no fliends reft in Toredo. And Tigels lefuse to carr Ni back up! Danier Schreleth is tellibre! Woe is Ni. I mean Dlagonhealtress.

INGE: What about Clete?

NI: Crete is asshore. I play to Dalk Rold Satan to stlike him down.

INGE: Well, c’mon, buddy. I’m still your friend. This place is messing up your head. Tell you what, pal. You and I are gonna do our best to make the team this year! I’m not afraid of some competition. I think I can beat Cabby out for the job! What do you think?

NI: I think you clazy, Sarem.

INGE: My name is Brandon Inge! And I believe in myself! I’m gonna give the team a dickens of a decision to make this April, buddy! Let’s go.

NI: Okay. Solly, Zephyr and Chlysanthum. We go to face our plobrems HEAD ON! No more hiding! Pelhaps you shourd do same. Goodbye!

INGE: Seeya, kids. You guys might want to quit blaming others for everything and start taking responsibility for your own lives. That's what I learned tonight.

ZEPHYR: Sure. Leave us. Like society did before you! Like our hopes and dreams, raped from us before they had a chance to blossom! Like our…

INGE: Whatever. Seeya.

NI: Rater!

CHRYSANTHUM: What now?

ZEPHYR: Sigh. Wanna play the Wii?

CHRYSANTHUM: Okay. But I get to be Mario this time…
---------------
I...I apologize. It was funnier in my head...

Prince Charming or Prince of Thieves?

2012-01-25T20:45:00.000-05:00

Oh, what a witty headline. I should write for a major newspaper, I tell you.

To be honest, I don't know what else to say about the Prince Fielder signing. Well, other than maybe typing "YIPPIE" over and over a thousand times. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Sure, it puts Miguel Cabrera out of position. But it's not our money. And Big Mig is such a pro that I can see him using the next year to get himself into much better shape and work hard on improving his 3B skills. I think he'll be better at third than most people realize.

But there's plenty of other good (and bad) stories to read on the Prince signing. Here's a few that stood out to me.

-My personal favorite is Sam from Roar of the Tigers' cartoon on Prince's arrival. In 6 panels, she managed to touch even me. And I'm dead inside. Bravo.

-Phil Coke's Brain posted a fascinating look at the deal and how opinions of it differ from the online "nerds" and the casual fan. Amazing how the class clowns sometimes churn out some of the more thought provoking pieces from time to time.

/looks around for approval

/gets none

/kicks rock and slowly walks away

-Kurt from BYB shares a personal story on how Cecil Fielder was a main reason in him discovering his love of the Detroit Tigers and how Prince is helping him relive those memories. He also made me feel good to know that I wasn't the only person singing "The Little Prince" song yesterday. Phew.

-Lynn Henning isn't about to let Drew Sharp be the only Tigers writer to piss in everyone's corn flakes today. He compares the Tigers to the Phillies and Red Sox of last year before concluding that Cabrera may end up whining like a spoiled six year old if he doesn't end up liking third base. I find this extremely unlikely and think Lynn's upset that he wasn't tipped off on this deal before it happened.

-Lynn's fellow News writer Bob Wojnowski, however, applauds the deal, especially the will to win of Tigers owner Mike Ilitch. Congrats to Bob for not falling into the common "doom and gloom" trap that many Detroit newspaper writers have copied from their Boston brethren.

-And, of course, the Fielder signing was going to bring the Rick Reilly of Detroit sports, Mitch Albom, out of whatever hole he hides in collecting money for being terrible. Albom uses the word "big" 28 times in his piece and says little else of substance. It's like someone read a how-to book on writing a cookie cutter sports column and then followed it step-by-step. Albom is the Juan Pierre of sports writers. He's overrated, overpaid, and awful. But senile old farts love him, I guess.

-For those out there that have been comparing this to the Pujols deal with the Angels, Garret Craig at MCB points out that the Tigers/Prince deal looks to be the better one and gives some good reasons to support it. I tend to agree with him.

-Josh Slagter at mLive thinks Mr. I could have spent his money wiser. I don't share his opinion due to several variables not covered here, but he brings up some interesting ideas while playing fantasy GM. I just don't think many of these guys had much interest in coming to Detroit in the first place.

-At Grantland, Jonah Keri goes all saber on us and says it's a bad deal.

MATH MAKES BONDO'S HEAD HURT. OWWW.

-Finally, Jayson Stark at the Worldwide Leader lists the best 3-4 combos in baseball and puts the Cabrera/Fielder duo at the top. Still no word on if Jim Leyland plans to bat Don Kelly in between them just to make my head explode.

Whether you like the deal, love the deal, hate it, or are still just skeptical, you have to admit that it's, at least, as exciting of a time to be a Tigers fan as it has been in a long, long time. I think we all owe Mike Ilitch a gigantic thank you...

...but your pizza still sucks, sir.

Of Course, Drew Sharp is Playing Debbie Downer

2012-01-24T21:13:00.000-05:00

The Prince Fielder signing has everyone in Tigertown doing cartwheels down the street. Well, everyone except for Drew Sharp of the Free Press. I know many of you have got to be exhausted from reading about Prince right now, but here’s a couple of “points” from Drew’s piece crapping on our parade that has me shaking my head.

It makes absolutely no sense paying two guys who basically are the same player more than $45 million annually.

If we were paying two guys with the talent level of Don Kelly or Brandon Inge $45 million, I’d agree. But this is Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder. This is the most dangerous 3-4 punch in recent baseball history. This has me drooling at the thought of below average AL Central pitching to our lineup. I mean…

OPS the past 3 seasons:

Fielder: 1.014, .871, .981
Cabrera: .942, 1.042, 1.033

That is amazing. And they’re ours, ours, OURS! And it can only help the guys around them in the lineup. Delmon Young, Brennan Boesch, and Alex Avila’s jobs all got much easier today.

It not only makes them the prohibitive favorite in the American League Central but one darn tough out in the playoffs.

But didn’t we say the same things heading into 2008, when the Tigers finished last in the division?

Don’t compare apples and dead squirrels. There are many differences between the 2008 and 2012 Tigers. For one, the pitching is much, much better this year. I don’t see a clueless Dontrelle Willis or a washed up Nate Robertson on the team. I don’t see an elderly, broken down Kenny Rogers gasping for one last season.

Second, this isn’t Gary Sheffield at the end of his career. This is two young sluggers in their primes. It’s a dream come true for any baseball fan.

Third, eat a box of rat poison, Drew.

What happens when Martinez returns in 2013?

Miguel moves to third or a corner outfield spot. Will it always be pretty? No. But he’s got a year plus to get himself into proper shape and get plenty of reps at those positions before we have to worry about the “problem” of .300+ hitting V-Mart coming back.

What do you do with three defensively limited, slow-footed players you’re collectively paying almost $60 million?

Cheer while they pile up extra base hits like it’s a friggin’ video game?

The base paths would need an emergency bypass with all the clogging.

Oh my gawd. When did Drew Sharp turn into a 70 year old white guy pining for small ball? If they’re clogging the bases, that means they’re getting on base and probably knocking in guys to get there. Please tell me you weren’t hoping for Juan Pierre, Drew.

At first blush, it looks like Ilitch has made a win-now-or-else proposition to his team. But in doing so, he might have risked messing up the chemistry that made this team so compelling a year ago.

Jeebus. Chemistry? Really? The following is one of my favorite Jim Leyland rants of all time:

“I’m so sick of hearing about team chemistry. I’m never going to talk about it again--ever in my life. When it gets brought up, I’m going to say, ‘Next question’. It makes me sick. I can’t stand it. It has nothing to do with anything. When you win, the chemistry is good. When you lose, the chemistry is bad. I don’t care if players get into a fistfight. I read today that Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth didn’t like each other. Well, they won a lot of games. Give me talent. I don’t care if they fight for 21 hours a day. For three hours, go out and beat somebody.”

Amen.

Where’s that World Series trophy from 2008?

Forget about 2008, asshat. This has nothing to do with it.

The Tigers and all of their fans are looking towards a World Series trophy in 2012. And they just took a gigantic step forward.

Go try and ruin someone else’s day, Drew. Let us be happy for once.

Prick.

How the Prince Fielder Deal Got Done

2012-01-24T19:01:00.000-05:00

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, what the hell am I going to do here? A month until Spring Training and we still have no DH! Johnny Damon? Broken down Vlad Guerrero? I’d rather have that clown Raburn do it, for crying out loud. I need some Rolaids. Or perhaps a shot of bourbon.

/buzzer on desk sounds

SECRETARY: Mr. Dombrowski? Mr. Ilitch is here to see you. He looks upset.

DOMBROWSKI: Just wonderful. Send him in.

SECRETARY: No, Mr. I. You pull the door to get it open. No, sir, I didn’t change the doorknobs overnight. No, sir, Ted Turner isn’t behind this. There you go…

/door opens gingerly

MIKE ILITCH: Dammit, Dennis, what’s going on with my Baseball Red Wings?

DOMBROWSKI: Doing the best I can, sir. And it’s “Dave”, by the way.

ILITCH: That’s what I said, Dan. Now the Venezuelan immigrant boy that shovels my snow had distressing news for me today…

DOMBROWSKI: It didn’t snow last night, sir.

ILITCH: I know that, you twit. Marion made a comment about how there hasn’t been much snow this year. So I had some shipped in from Alaska. Turns out she was happy there wasn’t any of that white crap around. Point is, this boy tells me that Pudge hurt his knee and is out for the year! Why wasn’t I told?

DOMBROWSKI: Pudge was traded years ago, sir. It was Victor Martinez. And I did tell you about it. You questioned my heterosexuality and went back to your 2pm massage.

ILITCH: Ahh, yes. The 2pm massage is the best way to cap off the 1pm massage. And don’t sass me, Doug. Point is, this will not do! We need to protect our franchise player! Who’s the fellow that enjoys the moonshine?

DOMBROWSKI: Miguel Cabrera, sir.

ILITCH: Yes. The Puerto Rican fellow. Now why haven’t we signed a new DH yet?

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. Well, there’s really no one out there in our price range that I feel can replace Victor. I’m close to a decision, though. I know you liked Johnny Damon when he was here.

ILITCH: No. Hell no. That boy’s wife had the nerve to thumb her nose at Marion’s cooking one weekend at our cottage.

DOMBROWSKI: Really, sir? I thought you hated your lovely wife’s cooking.

ILITCH: Now it’s true that Marion’s cooking tastes like a dog’s scrotum, but it’s not some spoiled wench wife of the help’s place to say so. Now tell me, Dave, can we get Cobb back?

DOMBROWSKI: Ty Cobb, sir?

ILITCH: Do you know another one? Moron.

DOMBROWSKI: He died over fifty years ago, sir.

ILITCH: No kidding. How about Greenberg?

DOMBROWSKI: Also dead, sir.

ILITCH: Kaline? I just saw him last week.

DOMBROWSKI: He’s in his late seventies, Mr. Ilitch. I hardly consider him an option.

ILITCH: Gibson?

DOMBROWSKI: He’s Arizona’s manager.

ILITCH: Trammell?

DOMBROWSKI: Also in Arizona. And he hates you.

ILITCH: Damn. How about Sheffield?

DOMBROWSKI: Still on the payroll, but not an option, I’m afraid.

ILITCH: How about the fellow that hit fifty homers for us? Um…Fielder!

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. Fielder reti…

/light bulb goes off over Dave’s head

DOMBROWSKI: Fielder…he’s available, if you’re serious, sir.

ILITCH: Of course I am, Donald! I’ve always been a fan of Fielder. In fact, Marion had me watch a film of his last week. Have you seen “Precious”? Fielder was delightful in that. I think that was Fielder...

DOMBROWSKI: I’m sure he was. How many years and how many dollars are we talking about, sir?

ILITCH: I’ll be 83 in a couple months, Dwayne. I’ll be lucky to see Christmas. I don’t give a damn. Just get us Fielder. The bastard children can worry about the future.

DOMBROWSKI: No problem, sir.

ILITCH: Great! And see if Lolitch or Morris wants a job, too. I hear we might have a rotation spot up for grabs. Spare no expense!

/blows nose with $100 bill

DOMBROWSKI: Will do.

ILITCH: Great! I’m off to get my noon massage. You’re doing a fine job, Denny.

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh. Thank you, sir.

/giggles and calls Scott Boras

Wow.

2012-01-24T15:25:00.000-05:00

Prince Fielder is your newest Detroit Tiger at 9 years/$214 million. Early word suggests that Miguel Cabrera may be moving back to third base. Brandon Inge was last seen wandering down Detroit side streets muttering to himself sadly.

I couldn't be more surprised if I woke up this morning with my head sewn to the carpet. More on this later after I change my underpants.

How Kirk Gibson Made Me Hate My Father

2012-01-21T23:16:00.000-05:00

I have a seven year old son. And my biggest fear as he grows up is that I’m going to do something to screw up his life and/or make him hate me in some way. I think all parents mess up their kids unintentionally, at least a little, but you just have to do your best to avoid it as much as possible.

Thus far, my kid hasn’t had much interest in baseball. When it comes to sports, all he cares about is Michigan football since his mother graduated from there and has brainwashed him into yelling “Go Blue” at his Notre Dame loving dad at every chance he gets. I remember dragging him in front of the TV in the ninth inning of JV’s last no-hitter and he couldn’t have cared less. He just wanted to get back to his video games. But I remain hopeful that one day we’ll be able to bond over Tigers baseball.

As for myself, I never had that kind of bond with my father. He wasn’t much of a baseball fan and only watched football if his team happened to be winning that season (Cowboys or Packers depending on the year…sigh). The only “sport” he seemed to care for was Nascar, and I would have rather watched Lifetime movies with my mom than watch a bunch of rednecks drive 500 miles in a circle.

Still, at least once a year, the old man would give in and take his excited kid to Tiger Stadium to watch the hapless bunch of idiots that the Tigers fielded in the late 80’s and early 90’s. And I’ll never forget the last time he did so. Because that was the day that I decided I was pretty sure I didn’t like my dad anymore. He would give me plenty more reasons to hate him as I got older, but this is where it all began. And it’s all because of Kirk Gibson.

Let me explain.

Kirk Gibson was my first favorite baseball player when my grandmother introduced me to the Tigers in 1985. I thought the guy was awesome and I wanted to be him when I grew up. I even scolded my mother once for not naming me “Kirk” when I was born. Within a year or two, Alan Trammell had overtaken Gibby as my favorite, but of course I still never quit loving the guy. And when he left as a free agent after the 1987 season, I was heartbroken.

I was happy to see him succeed with the Dodgers and no one screamed louder than me when he hit the walkoff against the A’s in Game One of the 1988 World Series, but it was still bittersweet to Young Rogo. I wanted him back in Detroit and didn’t understand why he left. My dad told me it was because Tigers owner Tom Monaghan didn’t like Gibby because of his attitude. Whatever…I just wanted my hero back wearing the Old English D.

And in 1993, after stops in Kansas City and Pittsburgh’s organizations, Gibson came home to the Tigers. I was ecstatic. But for whatever reason, I don’t remember us making the trip to Detroit at any point that season. It wasn’t until May 2, 1994, four days before my seventeeth birthday, that I would get the chance to see Gibson in person wearing a Tigers uniform again.

I remember that we chose that game because not only was it near my birthday, but because the Rangers were in town with my favorite non-Tiger, Jose Canseco, on the team. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was in the timing. Or so I thought. The following is remembered to the best of my ability with some help from this boxscore/recap from baseball-reference.com.

We arrived at Tiger Stadium in time for the 7:05 start and I remember being excited that my soft drink came with a Gibson collector’s cup. When we got to our seats, I eagerly checked the Tigers lineup.

1. Tony Phillips, LF
2. Juan Samuel, 2B
3. Travis Fryman, 3B
4. Cecil Fielder, 1B
5. Alan Trammell, DH
6. Eric Davis, CF
7. Junior Felix, RF
8. Chad Kreuter, C
9. Chris Gomez, SS

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Not only was one of my newer favorites, Mickey Tettleton, not starting, but NO GIBBY IN THE LINEUP, EITHER? I wanted to storm the field and beat the white out of Sparky Anderson’s hair. Junior Felix in right? Chad Kreuter catching? So unfair.

But being that my trips to the old ballpark were so rare back then, I decided to make the best of it. What else could I do? Mike Moore started for the Tigers against future Tiger hero Kenny Rogers on the mound for Texas. Also in the Rangers lineup were future Tigers Juan Gonzalez, Pudge Rodriguez, and Bill Ripken (as a defensive replacement late in the game). Ex-Tiger Doug Strange started at second for them, too.

In the bottom of the first, Detroit struck first on a Fryman solo home run. I made fun of my dad since I had picked him as a future star when we attended a previous Mud Hens game when Travis was there. Dad had picked Scott Lusador. I won that bet.

Anyway, in the second, Gonzo would knock in Will Clark with a single to tie the game. A Pudge triple would plate Gonzalez and he would score on a sac fly. 3-1 Rangers going into the bottom of the second.

Gomez would have an RBI single in the second to make it 3-2. There’d be no more scoring until the bottom of the fifth when Big Cecil would club a two-run shot and the previously cursed Felix would hit a two-run double to score Trammell and Davis, who had both singled. 6-3 Tigers…yay! And Felix would come through again in the bottom of the eighth with another RBI hit to put Detroit up 7-3.

That’s when it happened. My dad told me the game was as good as over and we needed to leave to beat the traffic. I immediately freaked out and said, “What traffic? There’s not that many people here!” The official attendance for the game was 11,569, I see from the boxscore, so I was right. But no, he had seen enough and we were leaving. He told me not to worry, that we’d listen to the end of the game in the car on the way home. I had no choice but to leave.

By the time my dad got the game on in the car, the score was 7-7. I was beside myself. Apparently, Sparky left Moore in to get the complete game. He got the first man before giving back-to-back walks to Strange and Pudge. Mike Henneman was brought in to stop the bleeding, but it was too late. A double, an error by Fryman, and a bloop single had tied the score. I begged my dad to turn the car around, but of course, he wouldn’t listen.

Fryman, Fielder, and Trammell went 1-2-3 in the bottom of the ninth as I sat listening to every word and trying not to scream at my old man. The tenth saw my buddy Canseco single and score on another hit by the ex-Tiger Strange to make it 8-7 Rangers. “See?”, my dad said. “You wouldn’t have wanted to stick around and watch them blow it like this, right?” “It’s not over yet”, I remember thinking as I sulked.

Rangers closer Tom Henke came in to close it out for Texas. Eric Davis had other ideas, singling on a 3-1 pitch. The unstoppable Felix followed with a walk. And I was on the edge of my seat as Tettleton was summoned to pinch hit for Kreuter. “I can’t believe we’re missing this”, I yelled at Father of the Year. Tettleton popped out to second. And then the moment that I’ll never forget or forgive would occur.

Mighty Gibby was coming up.

Sparky chose that moment to have Gibson hit for Gomez. I was ready to have a stroke. And with two on and an 0-2 pitch, the guy I came to Tiger Stadium to see launched a three-run walkoff home run while my father and I were riding south on I-75 instead of being in our Tiger Stadium seats. The Tigers won, 10-8 in extra innings.

To this day, I cannot remember another time in my life where I was so unbelievably excited and then immediately irate the next second. With tears in my eyes I screamed at my dad for making us leave. He offered a weak apology, but I didn’t care. I don’t think I spoke to him for a week after. I hated him.

And that’s that. I wish I had nice stories about going to the ballpark with my father like Will Leitch, Bill Simmons, and Tom Stanton do. But I don’t. But I’ll be damned if my kid ever has to suffer like I did that evening in May so many years ago. I’m sure I’ll do something stupid over his life to earn his ire, but it’s not going to because I wanted to beat some traffic.

And I may get my chance just yet. Last week, he came up to me and with a grin on his face asked me, “You know who my favorite sports team is, Daddy?” “Yeah”, I responded. “Stupid Michigan.”

Then he threw me a curveball. “Nope. I love Michigan, but the Tigers are my favorite sports team now.”

I’m not sure where that came from. But if he’s serious, I’m ready to start writing some new father-son history with him to try and make up for my own with my dad.

And if he ever cheers for Don Kelly, I’m grounding him for a month.

Meanwhile...in the Dominican Republic

2012-01-20T12:13:00.000-05:00

This entry is dedicated to each and every Indians fan that chose to mock me about the unfortunate injury suffered by Victor Martinez.

(Meanwhile…in the Dominican Republic…)

OFFICER PEREZ: Wow! I can’t believe you kids managed to catch the dreaded Dominican Swamp Monster! This demon has terrorized us for months! Gracias, my new friends.

FRED: Hey, glad to help! Right, gang?

VELMA: Just another day in the life of the Scooby Doo Detective Agency!

SWAMP MONSTER: Roaaaar! Grrrrrr!

SHAGGY: Zoinks…let’s get away from this thing! I’m hungry. Can we get something to eat now?

SCOOBY: Reah!

DAPHNE: First, we need to see who he really is!

FRED: Right!

/tears off mask

FAUSTO CARMONA: Nooooooooooooo!

VELMA: Jinkies! It’s Fausto Carmona of the Cleveland Indians!

DAPHNE: I didn’t know they still had a team.

CARMONA: I can explain! It was…Hafner! That roided-up gringo put me up to this!

OFFICER PEREZ: Save it, Carmona. You can tell your story down at the station.

VELMA: Jinkies…look at his neck! There’s some stitching there…I think this is another mask!

SCOOBY: Ruh roh, Raggy!

FRED: You’re right, Velma! Let’s take a look…

/tears off second mask

ROBERTO HERNANDEZ HEREDIA: Shit.

OFFICER PEREZ: Oh my! It’s Old Man Hernandez Heredia! This man is wanted for several crimes against the Dominican people going back sixty years! And now, I imagine, for embezzling multiple millions of dollars from the Indians and being terrible along the way!

HEREDIA: Yeah, (wheeze) and I woulda gotten away with it if it weren’t for you (groan) darn meddling kids and your dog! Oh…my arthritis…

OFFICER PEREZ: Great job, kids! The Dominican police will take it from here!

FRED: All right, gang! Let’s catch some rays and have some fun!

SHAGGY: Don’t forget about the great Dominican cuisine!

SCOOBY: Reah! Scooby Doobie Dooooooooooooooo!

Lynn Henning Channels His Inner Chicken Little

2012-01-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

In the wake of Victor Martinez pulling a Carlos Guillen, Lynn Henning of the Detroit News held a Q & A with his fan club at the News site.

What ended up being sillier? The reader questions or Lynn’s answers? Certainly the DEAN of Tiger writers can calm down the masses in the aftermath of Victor's injury, right? As long as you’re prepared to bang your head against the closest wall, read along with me and let’s find out! It’s been a while since I went on a cursing rampage…

Comment From Guest
What about Juan Pierre? speed, defense, 600 pa, leadoff man ?

Holy mother of Satan. Why, seriously someone tell me, WHY IN THE BLUE HELL do people continue to think Juan Pierre is an acceptable starting MLB baseball player? Pierre’s the kind of guy that only the delusional Ozzie Guillen could love. YES, he steals bases. He’s also led the league in being CAUGHT stealing seven of the past eleven years. His WAR was 0.0 last year and has been no higher than 1.8 since 2006. A four year old has more power and a better throwing arm. No one makes more outs than Bad Juan. And teams continue to pay him $7-$10 million a year to do so.

Juan Pierre is fucking terrible and anyone that tells me differently deserves to be incinerated on the spot with a flamethrower. Sorry…what does Lynn have to say about this?

HENNING: As for Pierre, it's possible. Delmon definitely goes to DH in just about any scenario you can imagine.

Sure, it’s possible. It’s also possible that Tim Tebow will piss on V-Mart’s knee and it will heal. Anything is possible. Just tell “Guest” that his idea would be the kiss of death for the Tigers. Any baseball fan that gets an erection over bunting should be sterilized.

Comment From Mike in Savannah
Obviously the talk of all Tigers fans is what to do with Victor Martinez out. Play GM for us, what would you do?

C’mon, Lynn. You’ve been at this a long time and are Dave Dombrowski’s mouthpiece to the masses. Break down the pros and cons of Vladmir Guerrero or Carlos Pena. Come up with a trade that makes sense for everyone involved. AMAZE us with some proper insight.

HENNING: I think the Tigers are just about out of popular options on this one. Pierre, again, is one of those possibilities, because he could lead off and give you some defense in left.

NOOOOO! Just because he’s fast doesn’t make Pierre a good leadoff man! Everyone bitches about Jackson last year and his OBP was only twelve points lower than Pierre’s! But Jackson had TWENTY more extra base hits than Pierre and thirteen more walks. Hooray, Juan got a bunt single. But then he got thrown out stealing. This will stop being entertaining, um, IMMEDIATELY.

As for defense…what's left of Ty Cobb’s skeleton is better than Delmon. But Pierre’s arm is so awful that he makes Johnny Damon look like fucking Roberto Clemente.

I don’t like Juan Pierre, in case some of you haven’t caught on yet.

HENNING: Delmon then goes to No. 5, or 4, if Cabrera bats third. Tend to think the Tigers will swing a big deal.

Lynn keeps talking about this “big deal”. He eluded to it on Twitter and wouldn’t expand on it. Either he knows more than he’s letting on, or he’s becoming a bigger troll than jackoffs like Simonson.

HENNING: To follow up: They need dynamic help, and that isn't going to be terribly available unless they pay heavy on a trade. Better to wait until July's trade deadline, when options are 10-fold more than they have today.

I disagree with the first part. “Dynamic” help leads me think of some expensive superstar like Josh Hamilton. They don’t need that…not to win a horrible division like the AL Central currently is. They just need a competent hitter to bat behind Cabrera and make folks pay if they choose not to pitch to him. There are no hitters of V-Mart’s caliber out there right now. But there are options like Vlad, Pena, and even Damon out there. Hell, Avila might be able to step into the role as long as Leyland doesn’t try to kill him by playing him two weeks straight behind the dish again.

Comment From john
Would you agree that losing Vmart means we have next to no shot of taking the next step (at least a WS appearance)?

Not in this division, John. We have, by far, the best pitching staff in the division. We still have Cabrera, Peralta, Avila, Delmon, and Boesch/Raburn (depending on which half it is). The Sox and Twins are worse this year. Kansas City is closer, but still has no pitching. Cleveland was a fraud the first half last year. The division is still ours for the taking unless JV and Mig catch some deadly STD from one of Porcello’s rats and miss months of the season. And with JV/Fister/Good Max/Porcello, a short series in the playoffs is very winnable.

And don’t forget, there are still over SIX MONTHS until the trade deadline. Have a little faith in Dave Dombrowski to make a move down the stretch if things aren’t working out. Ilitch isn't going to live forever.

HENNING: Today, yes, tough to see a deep October run.

No it’s not! We didn’t lose Verlander or Cabrera, for fuck’s sake! We lost a DH with a 3.0 WAR. If we had to lose someone, I’m glad it was him and not someone that’s actually hard to replace. If we get someone with HALF Victor’s ability, we’re fine and dandy.

HENNING: But keep in mind that the immediate move, and July's moves, are all unknown. They can win the division as currently equipped -- maybe.

Holy shit. When did Henning become Peter King?

HENNING: But they're already playing for October. And that means something radical has to be done, either now or July.

Again, no. Nothing radical. If the team panics and trades Turner and Castellanos for anything less than Babe Ruth’s reanimated in-his-prime corpse in response to Victor’s owie, they are goddamned nuts. NOT IN THIS DIVISON! Put the panic button away, Lynn! Back away slowly from it!

Moving right along…

Comment From Zack
What is the likelihood of bringing Johnny Damon back?

HENNING: Problem with Damon -- the only real problem -- is that he has no arm and would almost be as big a liability as Delmon in left. That's the hang-up with Johnny D.

Now let me get back to talking about how JUAN PIERRE is a decent option.

Fuck.

Comment From Guest
For all the talk you do of the Tiger's great pitching in the minors why is it no one wants any of them except Turner or #B Castellanos? Seems now would be a good time to trade a couple of them if they have any value

Well, Guest, that’s because Lynn’s full of shit. Turner, Castellanos, and Smyly are the only obvious potential guys left in the entire farm system. You see, the Tigers tend to only draft members of the organization’s family after the fourth round. Thus, our minor league system resembles a used toilet the morning after drinking half a keg of PBR.

HENNING: They want other guys, believe me, beginning with Drew Smyly. They would also take on Casey Crosby.

Yes. “Oooh…arm injury issues. Here, take BRANDON PHILLIPS AND CASH.”

HENNING: And everyone tends to sell Duane Below short. The difficulty for Detroit is that a lot of these guys will be more valuable at mid-season -- a la Charlie Furbush last year -- but the Tigers can't necessarily wait until mid-summer.

Yes they can. The AL Central is about as intimidating as Justin Bieber in a MMA fight.

Comment From MMike
Any chance Maggs or Carlos make a return to the D?

HENNING: None I can see. Magglio doesn't have the brand of power they need.

Agreed. He’s no Juan Pierre!

Comment From EB
Lynn, I've enjoyed your columns in the Detroit News through the years. Do you think Brennan Bosch has developed enough offensively to protect Cabrera in the batting order?

HENNING: Thank you, and Boesch is an option, in part because he hits LHers so well. But they love him in that No. 2 spot, and for good reason.

Is that reason the fact that he refuses to take more than one pitch per ballgame? I hate Boesch in the two-slot. If they’re going to continue with that, they need to fine him for every at bat where he doesn’t see at least three pitches and makes an out.

Comment From Chris
Lynn, I have always loved Vlad Guerrero - I know he is 36 and coming off a down year in Baltimore, but for a low price, he could have a big return hitting in the middle of the Tigers lineup. Thoughts?

HENNING: It's conceivable, but again, you'd have managers galore who would love pitching to Vlad over Cabrera. And that's what's got the Tigers over a barrel.

In the words of one of the homeless fellows outside of the Copa, “Let me ax you dis.” Can you name ONE PLAYER IN BASEBALL OUTSIDE OF ALBERT PUJOLS that managers would love pitching to over Cabrera? Of course not. But Vlad Guerrero is still a beast and is capable of making those managers pay.

Juan Pierre is not.

Comment From Zack
Why are you so high on Hernan Perez? He had a poor year (.677 OPS) while repeating lo-A ball and wasn't ever particularly young for the level (age 20 isn't exactly a baby in lo-A). PS - Keep up the interesting prospects analysis

HENNING: Because the kid is, as you say, 20, and because he's on target to become a pretty good big-league second baseman.

Remember when Lynn used to gush about Danny Worth? Cale Iorg anyone?

Comment From Canada Joe
Where is the best slot for Boesch to bat in your view.

HENNING: Ideally, right where they've had him: second. He gets his bat on the ball, has shown he can be selective (he always said he could, and he succeeded last year), runs well -- he's just about their best answer at No. 2.

/mouth drops to floor like a cartoon character

Boesch walked only 35 times in 472 plate appearances last season. That is not a gigantic improvement over the 40 walks in 512 appearances his rookie year. Look. I like the kid’s bat when he’s got his head on straight. But he’s about as selective as a drunken frat boy is with women at two in the morning.

I like Cabrera third, hopefully Vlad/Pena fourth, and some combo of Delmon and Boesch fifth and sixth. Let Avila bat second. Other than Cabrera, he’s the only actual selective hitter on the team, with possible apologies to Jhonny Peralta who’s just fine in the seven slot.

Comment From Patrick
After coming back from Toledo, Inge close to .300. Can he continue that for the entire season this year?

Patrick had better be under ten years old or a fat girl in disguise. Otherwise, I dearly fear for the human race.

HENNING: Not .300, but he won't hit .177, either. Split it down the middle. That's Inge.

/does math

Lynn projects Brandon at .239ish. He’s done that once since 2006.

/ignores fact that I predicted Inge to hit .250 in 2011

Comment From Earth, Wind & Fire
Hey Lynn, Do you still believe the Tigers will win the A.L. Central?

HENNING: Sure, because their pitching is good enough to win in a so-so division.

Um, what happened to needing dynamic help and doing something radical?

Comment From Justin
Do you think Brookens is our next manager?

HENNING: Brookens or Lloyd McClendon.

The sound you just heard was mLive exploding.

Comment From jmc
Delmon will somewhat replace Victor and Andy Dirks will be your everyday left fielder...his perdicted stat line. .280 AVG...170 Hits...18 HRS....84 RBIS...31 SB's Book it.

HENNING: You can make that case. You definitely can.

Andy Dirks is a fourth outfielder and always will be. The only way you can make jmc’s case here is if you take so many drugs that you are left with three functioning brain cells. I "perdict" that jmc did not do well on his ACT.

What the fuck is wrong with Tiger fans? Every shitty clone that comes up (Dirks, Clete, Larish, Wells, etc) has people christening them the next fucking Kirk Gibson.

Comment From Lenny
Lynn, What are your thoughts about Zumaya signing with the twins ?

Hahahaha...thank goodness someone asked Lynn about his bf. Bless you, Lenny.

HENNING: Smart, shrewd, inexpensive investment by the Twins. Terry Ryan is back in charge and this was a Terry Ryan-style move. I'd be fearful of that fact if I were the Tigers. I thought they should have invested in him and been happy to have invested in him. Obviously, they felt differently, as do most fans.

I like to imagine Lynn typing this with tears running down his face. No one will miss Joel Zumaya more than his secret crush, Lynn Henning.

Kids, there’s plenty more there if you dare to read it all. Believe it or not, I like Henning more than most people do and am just trying to be somewhat entertaining with this bit. He tends to think outside the box more than the average Tiger writer, in my opinion, instead of spewing the same lines as everyone else. Usually. And he definitely is in the Dombrowski inner circle when it comes to news.

But fuck, dude. This was awful.

Juan Pierre??? C'mon...

Oh My God, They Killed Victor. You Bastards!

2012-01-17T18:21:00.000-05:00

We’ve been hearing it the past few months from several Tiger fans. “What a boring offseason.” “Why isn’t there any Tiger news?” “Zzzzzz.”

Today, a bit over a month before pitchers and catchers report, we found out that Victor Martinez tore his ACL and will most likely miss the entire 2012 season.

I read the news on Twitter while at work today and think I handled the news as well as I could. First, I screamed the f-word for about five minutes straight in the office. Then I made several “I hate everything” texts to some fellow Tiger fans. Next, I went upstairs and threatened to fire a cook for some stupid reason. After that, I called my bartender a dumb whore. Don’t worry…they’re used to it.

And now, my stages of grief progression has reached the “What do we do now?” portion of development. The obvious thing to do is sign one of the remaining free agents out there to replace V-Mart as the DH. And the following is a look at who’s available and other possible solutions.

Also, real quick, keep in mind that Prince Fielder is not an option. They don’t have $20 million to throw at Cecil’s boy. Also, Lynn Henning tweeted that the team will get back around half of Victor’s $13 million salary from their insurance company. So there’s a little bit of money to play with here for a short term option.

FREE AGENTS TO REPLACE MARTINEZ & 2011 STATS
(In order of my personal preference)

~~1. Bobby Higginson:~~

1. Vladmir Guerrero: .290/.317/.416, 13 HR, 63 RBI, 101 OPS+

Vlad’s numbers were down last year in Baltimore’s crappy lineup, but he was still quite impressive in 2010 with Texas. Put him in a lineup with Cabrera, Avila, Young, and Peralta and I think you’d see much better results than those of Vlad the Oriole. Just don’t expect him to take a pitch. He and Delmon would get along well. Would probably cost $6-8 million for a season.

2. Carlos Pena: .225/.357/.462, 28 HR, 80 RBI, 123 OPS+

Many might object to a homecoming for the former Tiger first baseman due to his low batting average, but the guy still consistently gets on base and led the league in homers as recently as 2009. He could also spell Cabrera at first from time to time and keep the big man rested. Expect to pay $8-10 million for a year of Pena.

3. Magglio Ordonez: .255/.303/.331, 5 HR, 32 RBI, 74 OPS+

Yes, I know this is a homer pick because I worship the man and can’t stand the thought of him playing anywhere else. And agreed, he has had the last two seasons cut short by breaking his ankle. And I KNOW, his power is gone. But I refuse to admit that he doesn’t have another good season left in him so BACK OFF, ASSBAGS. Be happy I didn’t put him first. Could probably had at a bargain, say $3-4 million for one last season?

4. JD Drew: .222/.315/.302, 4 HR, 22 RBI, 68 OPS+

Drew was hurt most of last year, but hit over 20 homers in 2009 and 2010. When healthy, he’s a 3.0 WAR player (like Victor) and can play some outfield and keep Delmon out of the field. He isn’t going to command the $14 million he’s made the past few years…probably closer to $6 million. If he still wants to play. The guy has never seemed to care much which will upset a big part of the “rah rah” loving Tiger fanbase.

5. Johnny Damon: .261/.326/.418, 16 HR, 73 RBI, 110 OPS+

I like Johnny. He’s a great dugout presence and I think Austin Jackson missed him DEARLY last year as a mentor. But I don’t Johnny’s the guy we want replacing Victor since we need a hitter with more pop to protect Cabrera in the lineup. Damon would have his moments, but we’d have to resort to batting Peralta or Raburn behind MIg and Cabby would end up walking 200+ times. Johnny will want $5 million or so. But we need a more intimidating bat.

6. Cody Ross: .240/.325/.405, 14 HR, 52 RBI, 105 OPS+

Another former Tiger that’s available. Cody turned into a mild success story after being traded by Detroit in 2004 for a bag of magic beans. He may have some juice left and would probably cost around $6 million. Thing is, I despise people named Cody. Worst name ever.

7. Yoenis Cespedes: No Major League experience.

I don’t think he’s ready and I think he’s going to be a strikeout machine. We have enough of those and he’s going to cost a fortune. I may be the only Tiger fan that is praying for the Marlins to overpay him to stay out of Detroit. But his potential still has many drooling over him.

8. Rick Ankiel: .239/.296/.363, 9 HR, 37 RBI, 81 OPS+

Not the most attractive choice. But he could get Delmon out of left and make Will Leitch a Tigers fan. Would be cheap, too, at around $1.5 million.

9. Carlos Guillen: .232/.265/.368, 3 HR, 13 RBI, 71 OPS+

Good gawd, has it come to this? Thanks for the memories, Carlos, but we’d probably be better off letting Victor play on crutches. If he gets $1 million to sit on the DL all year, he should consider himself lucky.

10. Manny Ramirez: .059/.059/.056, 0 HR, 1 RBI, 1 OPS+

In his prime, there was no one this side of Barry Bonds more intimidating that ManRam. But age and suspensions have taken away his luster. Manny hasn’t been good since 2008 and anyone that takes a chance on him will probably get burned. Plus, he's nuts. Then again, Leyland has handled crazy folks well in the past. See Bonds, Sheffield, Ilitch, etc. Manny’ll work cheap, though. Probably at $1-3 million.

Other available clowns that I have no interest in include Hideki Matsui, Jonny Gomes, Raul Ibanez, Austin Kearns, Milton Bradley, Brad Hawpe, Jorge Posada, and Juan Pierre. If they even DISCUSS Juan Pierre, I will become a Blue Jays fan and rename this blog “Where Have You Gone, Kelly Gruber?”. Hope Eno doesn’t sue.

Longshots: Dmitri Young and Gary Sheffield. The former wants to attempt a comeback and we’re already paying the latter. Plus, I need comedy material. These guys would be perfect.

There are other possibilities, too.

-Do nothing. Move Delmon to DH and put Ryno in left. Hope the rest of the AL Central continues to suck and wait for the trade deadline to get a bat.

-Make a trade. I’m not even going to get into speculation here.

-Move Delmon to DH, Ryno to left, and acquire a second baseman or third baseman. Trouble is, no one is available and every trade the Tigers have apparently explored would require them to empty the farm system for someone that’s not worth the price.

Whatever happens, the offseason got a LOT more interesting today. I hope you jerks that were whining are all happy.

Oh, and in other news, the Tigers signed Don Kelly back for $900K in 2011. Imagine being terrible at your job and getting paid almost a million dollars to do so. That, my friends, is the true American Dream. I salute you, Donnie!

/raises middle finger

The 2006 Tigers: Where Are They Now?

2012-01-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

On Sunday, when I heard that Joel Zumaya had reached a deal with the Twins, it dawned on me that only three guys remain from the 2006 World Series Tigers team. That seems insane to me. Was it really that long ago? Time flies, I guess.

Forty guys saw action in at least one game for Detroit in ’06. Today I thought I’d take a look at what has become of each of them since losing to the Cardinals a little over five years ago. If I’m wrong about any of this, feel free to correct me in the comments. I am, after all, a moron.

STILL HERE

Brandon Inge, Third Base: Like a cockroach, you can’t get rid of the little bastard. Made the All-Star team in ‘09, was shut out in the Home Run Derby, and hasn’t hit much of anything since. Was DFA’d last year, yet accepted an assignment to Toledo before being recalled late in the season. Is in the final year of his contract and this will most likely be Brandon’s swan song in Detroit this year.

Ramon Santiago, Infield: The career-long utility player was recently re-signed and is your current starting second baseman. For now.

Justin Verlander, Starting Pitcher: Pretty sure the ‘06 Rookie of the Year is still on the team. Let me know if I’m mistaken.

PRODUCTIVE ELSEWHERE

Placido Polanco, Second Base: The ALCS MVP was allowed to walk as a free agent after ‘09 in a decision that I think Dave Dombrowski must regret by now. Polly signed with Philadelphia, moved to third base, and was voted to start in the All-Star Game for the NL last year.

Curtis Granderson, Center Field: Grandy burst onto the scene out of nowhere in ‘06 and hasn’t looked back since. After the ‘09 season, he was sent to the Yankees in the big Tigers/Yankees/D-Backs three-way trade that is still being debated by Tiger fans. He was an All-Star last season and finished 4th in the AL MVP voting.

Omar Infante, Infield: Infante hit .277 in a part time role with the team in ’06. After the ’07 season, he was traded to the Cubs for Jacques Jones. Ugh. From there he was sent to the Braves without ever playing for Chicago. He made the NL All-Star team as a Brave in ‘10 before being traded to the Miami Marlins in the Dan Uggla deal. He just recently signed a two-year extension with the Fish in September.

Fernando Rodney, Relief Pitcher: Rodney was the primary setup man before finally taking over closing duties for Todd Jones in ‘09. He then left as a free agent for the Angels where he pitched in 111 games over two years before recently signing with the Rays for the ‘12 season.

Chad Durbin, Relief Pitcher: Chad saw action in 3 games and threw 6 innings, only allowing 1 run. He left as a free agent for Philadelphia in ‘08 and spent three solid seasons there and won a World Series. He pitched last year for the Indians and is currently a free agent.

Colby Lewis, Relief Pitcher: Yes, THAT Colby Lewis. He threw 3 innings in ’06 allowing 1 run on 8 hits. He bounced around the organizations of Washington, Oakland, Kansas City…mostly in the minors. After a great season in ‘09 in Japan, Texas took a chance on Lewis and since then he has rewarded them with back-to-back impressive seasons in the starting rotation.

BARELY HANGING ON IN THE MAJORS

Ivan Rodriguez, Catcher: Pudge’s signing in Detroit was what got the whole ball rolling in the first place. He was traded to the Yankees in July of ’08 for Kyle Farnsworth. From there, he had stints with Houston, Texas, and Washington. Pudge can’t hit anymore, but continues to play to try and pad his already Hall of Fame worthy stats. He is a free agent.

Carlos Guillen, Shortstop: Was the most consistent offensive player during the regular season for the ’06 team. Sadly, he has been a walking ER unit the past few years and is currently trying to catch on somewhere as a free agent. Carlos is one of the most underrated players in Tiger history. It’s a shame that he’ll mostly be remembered for being hurt so much.

Magglio Ordonez, Right Field: We all know what he did in the ALCS. My hero had an MVP quality season in ‘07 but has been slowed by increasing age and injuries ever since. Is a free agent and if the rumors of him possibly signing with Chicago or Cleveland are true, I’m going to drink until my liver explodes. I’ve been holding off on the inevitable “Goodbye Maggs” post until it actually happens, though. Denial is a bitch.

Jack Hannahan, Third Base: Jack went 0-9 with the team in ‘06. In August of ‘07, he was traded to Oakland for Jason Perry. He played a bit with them before moving on to the Seattle, Boston, and Cleveland organizations where he finally had a chance to play in the show last year hitting .250 with 8 homers in 110 games.

Joel Zumaya, Relief Pitcher: Brilliant in ‘06, Zoom has pretty much been hurt ever since. He just signed a deal with the Twins in a last ditch effort at saving his career. Good luck, kid.

Jason Grilli, Relief Pitcher: “Cheeseman” pitched in 51 games out of the pen. In April of ‘08, he was traded to the Rockies for Zach Simons. Texas would acquire him next, followed by Cleveland and Philadelphia. Most of that time was spent hurt or in the minors. Finally, he resurfaced last year in the Pirates’ bullpen and re-signed with them for ‘12.

Andrew Miller, Relief Pitcher: The #6 overall pick of the ’06 Draft got into 8 games and pitched 10.1 innings at the end of the season. He was later a key piece of the Cabrera deal in late ’07. He struggled there before being traded to the Red Sox in late ‘10. He made 12 starts for the Sawx last year and is signed to pitch for them this season.

MINOR LEAGUES

Chris Shelton, First Base: Homered 9 times in the first 13 games of the ’06 season. Went to hell afterward and was sent to Toledo in late July. Spent ‘07 in the minors before being traded to Texas in December for Freddy Guzman. Since then has spent time in the organizations of Texas, Seattle, Houston, and the Mets, though he hasn’t played in the Majors since July 30, 2009. May be finished.

Marcus Thames, DH, Outfield: “Country Strong” Thames slugged a career high 26 homers in ’06 filling in for injured players like Dmitri Young and Craig Monroe. He was released after the ‘09 season and spent time with the Yankees and Dodgers before being sent to the minors by LA in July of ‘11. He signed with the Yankees again ten days later, but never saw their MLB roster the rest of the year. He is a free agent and may be close to retirement.

Alexis Gomez, Outfield: Gomez’s claim to fame was when Jim Leyland made one of his “only Leyland would do this” lineup decisions and started Alexis in Game 2 of the ALCS and the kid responded by hitting a 2-run single and a 2-run homer. After that, he’d spend time in the minor league systems of the Rockies and Marlins before returning to the Tigers’ organization in ‘09. He has spent the last two years in the Mexican League.

Brent Clevlen, Outfield: Clevlen played in 31 games for the ’06 Tigers, including a two homer game against the Rays. After the season, he bounced between Toledo and Detroit for a couple years before landing in the Braves organization where he got into 4 MLB games in ‘10. Since then he’s been seen in the minor league systems of the Reds and Phillies.

Nate Robertson, Starting Pitcher: After a superb ’06, Nate was never the same. He was traded to the Marlins for Jay Voss right before the ‘10 season. He has since been lit up by anyone capable of lifting a baseball bat while playing in the systems of the Fish, Cardinals, Phillies, and Mariners. However, he continues to be the Patron Saint of the greatest poop joke/baseball blog in existence.

Zach Miner, Starter/Reliever: Miner replaced in an injured Mike Maroth as the 5th starter for much of the year before being moved to the pen as the season closed. He bounced between Detroit and Toledo until missing the entire ‘10 season due to Tommy John surgery. He spent last year in the minor league organization of the Royals.

Wil Ledezma, Starter/Reliever: Ledezma appeared in 24 games (7 starts) for Detroit and got the win in Game 4 of the ALCS. One of the most bizarre moments of the season occurred when Ledezma started on September 8th. After giving up five earned runs in 4.1 innings, Ledezma returned to the dugout and proceeded to dismantle and, literally, eat his hat. Yup. In July of ’07, he was traded to the Braves for Macay McBride. Since then he has bounced from the majors to the minors in the organizations of Atlanta, San Diego, Arizona, Washington, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Toronto again, and most recently a minor league deal with the Dodgers for the 2012 season.

Roman Colon, Relief Pitcher: Colon pitched in 20 games for Detroit in ’06. The next year, he would be in the minors and get into a fistfight with a teammate, prompting the Tigers to trade him to the Royals for Daniel Christensen. He last appeared in a MLB game in ‘10 before playing in Korea and signing a minor league deal with the Dodgers last year and pitching for their Triple A team. He is currently a free agent.

OUT OF BASEBALL

Craig Monroe, Left Field: One of the forgotten heroes of the ’06 campaign, Monroe was traded to the Cubs in late ‘07 for Clay Rapada. After that, he would see time in Minnesota and Pittsburgh before eventually retiring. Last I heard, he was running his own restaurant in Texas.

Sean Casey, First Base: “The Mayor” was acquired at the trade deadline from Pittsburgh for Brian Rogers and went on to be the only player to NOT shit the bed in the World Series. He hit .297 in ‘07 for Detroit before signing with the Red Sox for the ’08 season. After that, he retired and is currently an analyst for the MLB Network.

Dmitri Young, DH: 2006 was a rough year for Young, as he went through a divorce, was treated for alcohol and substance abuse, and also depression. DY was released on September 6th in a surprise move by the team. He would catch on with the Nationals the next two seasons before retiring in late-2008 due to diabetes. He would go on to be Vice President and Senior Advisor of Baseball Operations and Special Hitting and Fielding Instructor of the Oakland County Cruisers minor league baseball team in 2010 and also host his own sports card and collectible show. At the recent Winter Meetings, he showed up much lighter than in the past and announced plans for an unlikely comeback. Good luck, “Meat Hook”. You’ll always have a friend at DNR in yours truly.

Vance Wilson, Catcher: Vance had a surprisingly productive ’06 season, hitting .283 in backing up Pudge. What no one saw coming was that he would never play in the Majors again. He tore a muscle in his forearm in Spring Training in ‘07. After three rehab games with the Mud Hens, he reinjured the arm and had to have Tommy John surgery. During rehab in order to get ready for ‘08, Wilson got hurt again, this time with Plantar fasciitis (an inflammation in the ligament that connects the heel bone to the toes). He spent ‘09 in the Kansas City minor league system before officially retiring before the ‘10 season. He’s currently the A-ball manager of the Royals’ Kane County Cougars farm team.

Neifi Perez, Infield: At Jim Leyland’s urging, the Tigers acquired Perez from the Cubs in late August for minor league catcher Chris Robinson. Perez played in 21 games and hit .200 with a .235 OBP. He was even worse in ‘07, hitting .172 in 33 games, but did show some worth in saving Justin Verlander’s first no-hitter by turning a possible base hit into a kick-ass inning ending double play. In July of ’07, he was suspended for 25 games for a second positive test for amphetamines. On August 3rd he was suspended an additional 80 games for a third positive test. He never played in the Majors again.

Matt Stairs, DH: On September 15th, the Tigers claimed Stairs off waivers from the Rangers. He hit 2 homers in 14 games for Detroit. From 2007-2011, he spent time with Toronto, Philadelphia, San Diego, and Washington before announcing his retirement in August.

Kevin Hooper, First Base: Hooper went hitless in 5 plate appearances and would never see the Majors again. He spent another season in Toledo before moving on to the Astros organization. He retired after ‘08 and is currently the manager of the Wichita Wingnuts of the independent American Association (a team which is part-owned by Nate Robertson).

Mike Rabelo, Catcher: Mike struck out in his only at bat of the ‘06 season. He would play 51 games in Detroit in ’07 before being sent to the Marlins in the Cabrera deal. In January of ‘10, he returned to Detroit on a minor league deal and was named the backup catcher for the Mud Hens. He retired after being released in July and is now the hitting coach for the Gulf Coast League Tigers.

Kenny Rogers, Starting Pitcher: Rogers became a hero in Detroit by throwing 23 straight scoreless innings in the playoffs. It was all he had left, though, as injuries ravaged him in ’07 and ’08 before retiring. Kenny threw out the first pitch of Game 3 of the 2011 ALDS for the Tigers in an awesome moment.

Jeremy Bonderman, Starting Pitcher: Bondo was at his personal best in ’06, including an awesome start against the Yanks in the ALCS. He started ’07 by going 10-0, but finished the year 11-9. A blood clot in his arm would wipe out his ’08 season and most of ’09. After an awful 2010, he has yet to return to pitching anywhere.

Mike Maroth, Starting Pitcher: Mike was off to a decent start before going on the DL with bone chips in his left elbow. In late ‘07, he was traded to the Cardinals for Chris Lambert. He was released a couple months later and would spend the next couple years on minor league deals with the Royals, Blue Jays, and Twins before officially retiring in January 2011. He is currently the pitching coach of the Lakeland Tigers.

Todd Jones, Closer: On May 21, he became the Tigers’ all-time saves leader. He continued to be the closer until retiring after the ’08 year. “The Human Roller Coaster” currently works as an adviser for the local high school and middle school boys baseball teams in his hometown.

Jamie Walker, Relief Pitcher: Walker had a career best 2.81 ERA for Detroit in ’06. He cashed in with Baltimore as a free agent the next year and last appeared in a game in ‘09 for them. He hasn’t pitched since.

Bobby Seay, Relief Pitcher: Seay pitched 15.1 ineffective innings in ’06 before becoming a fixture in the pen over the next three seasons. Late in ’09, he tore his rotator cuff in his left shoulder. Bobby tried to avoid surgery, but finally gave in and had the operation done. He has yet to recover and is most likely done.

Jordan Tata, Relief Pitcher: Tata gave up 10 earned runs in 14.2 innings. After giving up 12 earned runs in 14 innings in ‘07, Jordan never saw the Majors again. He pitched in the Tigers’ minor league system until 2009 before finally being released. After a 2 ½ month stint with whatever the Grand Prairie AirHogs are, Tata’s career was finished.

Chris Spurling, Relief Pitcher: After 16 appearances out of the bullpen for Detroit, Spurling was claimed off waivers in September by the Brewers. He spent all of ’07 with Milwaukee before being released in Spring Training in ’08. He played independent ball the next two years and hasn’t pitched since ‘10 with the Long Island Ducks.

So there you have it. Baseball is a strange game, I guess. In five years, more than half of the magical ’06 club isn’t even in the Majors anymore. But they all remain, of course…Always a Tiger.

Except Grilli. Fuck that guy with a bowling pin.

Extinct Tigers: Skeeter Barnes

2012-01-15T11:09:00.000-05:00

As I enjoy talking about obscure Tiger players from the past (and have nothing better to write about currently), expect to see this be a reoccurring blog subject until we get into Spring Training. Well, that or until we have another Tiger get arrested before making it to Lakeland.

Today I would like to spend some time talking about an unlikely Tiger hero from the early 90’s. He was Detroit’s version of Crash Davis before Max St. Pierre tried to steal the gimmick last year. He is infielder/outfielder/pinch hitter extraordinaire Skeeter Barnes.

When I was a kid, my best friend’s family adopted a pair of springer spaniel sisters. What’s a springer spaniel, you ask? Here’s a pic.

Adorable. Anyway, their names were Megan and Skeeter. I loved those dogs. They amazed me since the lab mix that I grew up was dumber than a Jersey Shore marathon. (RIP, Bootsie.) But these dogs…they actually listened. They did tricks. Blew my fragile little mind.

And the budding Tigers dork that I was, imagine my glee when in 1991 a guy by the name of Skeeter Barnes made his debut in Detroit. I didn’t give a shit if he was any good or not…his friggin’ name was Skeeter! Awesome. Keep in mind this was well over a decade before Lil John taught white folks another meaning for the word “skeet”.

But Barnes actually wasn’t too bad in his part-time role with the team. Dude could hit. In that ’91 season, Skeeter got into 75 games, hitting .289 with 5 homers, 17 RBI, and an OPS+ of 121 in his 159 at bats. Not bad for a 34 year old that had been left for dead in the minors by several other organizations. Overall, in his four years in Detroit, Barnes would play in 278 ballgames, hitting .281 with 11 dingers.

But Skeeter could always hit. A 16th round selection of the Reds in the 1978 draft, Barnes, in his first season with Billings of the Pioneer League, hit .368 with a league leading 22 doubles and 76 runs batted in. Sadly, he was outshined by his teammate Gary Redus who hit a minor league record .462 that season. (Thank you, baseball-reference.com.) Skeeter’s problem was a familiar one to those who have followed Ryan Raburn or Ryan Strieby’s careers. The man simply didn’t have a defensive position that he was very good at. And that kept him off of Major League rosters for the majority of his career.

In 1983, Barnes hit .337 with Indianapolis. That was good for second in the American Association and earned him his first call up to the show in September where he struggled to hit .206 in 15 games for the Reds. He returned to AAA in 1984, where his .328 average for the Wichita Aeros was third-highest in the American Association and earned him another trip to Cincinnati in July.

Used mostly as a pinch hitter, he only hit .119 in 32 games to return to AAA in 1985. He was traded to the Montreal Expos for outfielder Max Venable after only 12 games, and returned to Indy, which was now the Expos' top farm team. Bummer. He spent a little over a month in the majors that summer, but only managed 26 at bats, mainly as a pinch hitter, with a .154 average, before being sent back down.

After returning to Indianapolis at the beginning of 1986, he was again traded in mid-season, this time to the Phillies. Even though he hit .369 for the Portland Beavers after the trade, he did not get a call-up to Philadelphia, and began to move from organization to organization, getting brief but unsuccessful looks with the St. Louis Cardinals in 1987 and with the Reds once again two years later.

By this time, Barnes was 34 years old, as I am now. I can’t imagine being this age and toiling in minor league town after town without getting a real shot in the pros after so many years. But since he could hit, he kept getting minor league jobs and wound up in Toledo, the AAA team of the Tigers. In 62 games in the hellhole where I live, Skeeter had a .330 average with 9 homers and 40 RBI. That was good enough for a call up and his first steady job in the majors. He would stay in Detroit until retiring after the 1994 season with career home runs off of guys like Jimmy Key, Jim Abbott, and Randy Johnson on his resume.

After that, Barnes was far from done in baseball. In 1995 and 1996, he would stay on as a coach with the Mud Hens. The next two seasons were spent coaching for the West Michigan Whitecaps. In ’99, he returned to the Hens for another season before being named the manager of Lakeland for the 2000 season.

The managerial job didn’t pan out (Lakeland went 52-88), but Skeeter would coach in Indianapolis, Orlando, Montgomery, and for the Southwest Michigan Devil Rays over the years. In 2007, he would land the job of minor league outfield and baserunning coordinator for the Rays, a position that, I believe, he holds to this day. Good for him.

William Henry Barnes is a textbook example of a guy that wouldn’t quit and ended up making a living doing what he loved, no matter how bleak things looked for him. And he continues to do so to this day. And not only that, but he was pretty good once he finally got his chance. He wasn’t the biggest or the best, but he’s a guy that I reflect fondly on and will never forget.

I mean, come on…his name was SKEETER! Best baseball name ever. Well, other than Pork Chop Cash, but eff him, he was never a Tiger.

Why is Larkin in HOF and Trammell Isn't?

2012-01-11T18:10:00.000-05:00

I’ve talked before about how I’m a “Small Hall” guy. I think only the best of the best should be in Cooperstown. If it were up to me, the place would be made up of Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Ty Cobb, maybe three other guys, and a janitor to keep the place tidy.

But I’m not talking about MY idea of the Hall of Fame today. I’m talking about the actual one. And the fact that Barry Larkin made it in with 86.4% of the vote and Alan Trammell only got 36.8% is ridiculous and makes no sense. If you’re going to let a very good, but not great, player like Larkin in, then Trammell should be enshrined right next to him. They were practically the same player, for crissakes.

So the question is, why is Larkin such a favorite of the voters, while Trammell might as well be Joe Blow? Well, let’s try and figure that out.

Regular Season Stats

Larkin has better offensive numbers than Tram in almost every category. Quite simply, Larkin was the better offensive player. But not by THAT much. Trammell, however, had better defensive numbers. For the record, let’s run through a bunch of lifetime stats for comparison.

Average: Larkin .295, Trammell .285
Home Runs: Larkin 198, Trammell 185
RBI: Trammell 1003, Larkin 960
WAR: Larkin 68.9, Trammell 66.9
Offensive WAR: Larkin 66.6, Trammell 59.4
Defensive WAR: Trammell 7.5, Larkin 2.3
OBP: Larkin .371, Trammell .352
SLG: Larkin .444, Trammell .415
OPS: Larkin .815, Trammell .767
OPS+: Larkin 116, Trammell 110
Total Bases: Larkin 3527, Trammell 3442
Hits: Trammell 2365, Larkin 2340
Doubles: Larkin 441, Trammell 412
Triples: Larkin 76, Trammell 55
Stolen Bases: Larkin 379, Trammell 236
Walks: Larkin 939, Trammell 850
Fielding Percentage: Trammell .977, Larkin .975

So offensively, Trammell only tops Larkin in hits and RBI. Tram played 20 seasons and had 8288 at bats. Larkin played 19 and had 7937 trips to the dish. So they’re pretty even there and even in every statistical category with the exception of Larkin’s sizable OPS and SB advantages. But I really don’t see many crusty old white guys (aka Hall voters) making OPS the deciding factor in who they do or don’t vote for. Thus, we need to forget these regular season numbers when trying to figure out why Barry’s in and Tram is out.

Postseason Success

Both men won a World Series title. So that can’t be it. How did they perform in when it really mattered?

Larkin: 17 games, .338 Avg, 0 HR, 3 RBI
Trammell: 13 games, .333 Avg, 3 HR, 11 RBI

Yikes. Tram’s got him beat there. Plus he was the MVP of the ’84 World Series. Larkin, in the postseason, was the MVP of jack and shit. So the playoffs are out in why Larkin gets the nod, it seems. I guess deciding the greats of the game on postseason success only counts in football and Derek Jeter.

Appearance

America likes their sporting heroes to be handsome. From the days of Teddy Baseball and Joe D up to now with Tom Brady and Lord Jeter, the pretty boy players tend to get more coverage on TV and in the media.

Larkin is a good looking guy. He meets the criteria for what a baseball star is SUPPOSED to look like. Trammell, however, has a pockmarked complexion that more resembles the ass of the average Brandon Inge fan than that of a sports hero. Alan looks like a white version of the singer, Seal. Thus, I began to think that Barry’s appearance might have given him an edge with voters. (Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat???)

Then I saw this picture on Deadspin of Larkin.

Of all the stupid fashion mistakes that Americans have made over the years, the one-snap overalls look of the early 90’s is by far the dumbest and worst. Thus, Barry Larkin is disqualified from any competition when it comes to looks. Asshat.

Also, since both players spent their entire careers in mid-market cities in the Midwest, their looks were probably irrelevant. They were ignored in the national media for not playing in New York, LA, or Boston. Perhaps they should have done cartwheels and backflips like Ozzie Smith did to get noticed.

Health

I’ve argued that Trammell’s numbers have been hurt by the fact that he was injured so much during his career. Was Larkin a healthier guy, thus putting up better numbers? Not really. Tram played more than 120 games in 12 of his 20 seasons. Larkin only did it in 10 of 19. This is just another factor that I see in the men that make them equals, not separate. I just wanted to establish that before moving on.

Awards

I have a feeling we are going to get our answer here and it’s going to piss off anyone that roots for men wearing the Old English D.

Gold Gloves: Trammell 4, Larkin 3
Silver Sluggers: Larkin 9, Trammell 3
All Star Games: Larkin 12, Trammell 6
MVP Awards: Larkin 1, Trammell 0

Well, there you have it, I think. Larkin’s got a lot of fancy Cub Scout badges there compared to Trammell. I think this is where the voters have looked in deciding Larkin is an immortal and Trammell is an also-ran.

By the way, the voters are all fucking jackoffs.

Trammell played the majority his career in the same league with Cal Ripken, Tony Fernandez, and Robin Yount as his contemporaries. Larkin had light-hitting, overrated showoff Ozzie Smith and a bunch of scrubs like Jeff Blauser in his league. Larkin was going to win Silver Sluggers and All Star Appearances by default. Trammell was up against much higher competition. I’d love to see how many Sluggers and ASG appearances Tram would have wound up with if he played for, say, the Cubs.

And the MVP? Fuck and you, voters. Let’s look at Larkin’s MVP season up against Trammell’s 1987 when he got jobbed out of the award in favor of George Bell.

1995 MVP Barry Larkin: .319 Avg, 15 HR, 66 RBI
1987 non-MVP Alan Trammell: .343 Avg, 28 HR, 105 RBI

So shove that MVP award up your ass if that’s what you used to decide on your vote. (As an aside, in 1995, Colorado's Dante Bichette hit .340 with 40 homers and 128 RBI, somehow losing to Larkin. Are you serious, bro?)

Overall, once again, in my pig-headed view of what the Hall of Fame should be, neither man makes the cut. They were both very good players that had their numbers hurt by injuries and perhaps the eras they played the majority of their careers in. I want my Hall of Famers to be standing ovations, not polite golf claps.

But in what constitutes the actual Hall of Fame? The fact that Larkin makes it by such a big number and Trammell isn’t even close?

That’s a load of shit. I hate baseball writers more than childhood cancer sometimes.

Extinct Tigers: Paul Bako

2012-01-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

It’s easy to write about Tiger legends like Ty Cobb, Hank Greenberg, Al Kaline, or Alan Trammell. But in “Extinct Tigers”, I’ll occasionally look back at some of the lesser players to pass through the D and impact me in some way. Is it because every player is special? Is it because I’m bored? Is it because I really buy into the “Always a Tiger” thing?

Yeah…it’s probably because I’m bored. The first subject is former Tigers catcher, Paul Bako.

In 1998, Paul Bako made his MLB debut and played his lone season with Detroit. He would hit .272/.319/.348 with 3 homers and 30 RBI in 96 games. Still, in that limited playing time (splitting the catching duties with mainly Joe Oliver) he would finish fourth in the AL by throwing out 36 baserunners.

Bako made his major league debut with the Tigers on April 30, 1998, going 0-for-4 with three strikeouts. Not the best start. But his first major league hit, a bases-loaded double, came the next day off Bill Swift, when he went 2-for-5 against the Mariners in a 17–3 Tigers win. He hit his first major league home run, a three-run shot, on May 15 against the A’s off of Mike Mohler. He also went 4-for-4 against the New York Yankees on July 21.

But without question, Bako’s career highlight as a Tiger came on a 1998 summer evening when he hit a foul ball into the Tiger Stadium seats on the upper third base side. It took one hop and was expertly snatched by a young smartass named Rogo. It was the first and only foul ball I caught until I got one off of Alex Avila’s bat last season.

Gabor Paul Bako II (huh?) was drafted in the fifth round of the 1993 Draft by the Reds. You might recall the '93 Draft as the on where the Tigers took shortstop Matt Brunson with the 9th overall pick ahead of other first rounders like Billy Wagner, Derrek Lee, Torii Hunter, and Jason Varitek. Sigh. Bako quickly earned a reputation in the minors as a great game manager and defensive specialist. MLB pitcher Brett Tomko once recalled a conversation he and Bako had on the mound in the minors back then:

Bako: Are you really trying out here?

Tomko: What do you mean?

Bako: Because your stuff is horrible today and if you don't try a little harder, you're not going to make it out of this inning.

Honesty is fun out of young players. In November of 1997, Bako and Donne Wall were traded by Cincinnati to Detroit for outfielder Melvin Nieves. After the 1998 campaign, Paul was shipped off again, this time with Carlos Villalobos, Mark Persails, Dean Crow, and Brian Powell to the Astros for C.J. Nitkowski and, of course, Brad Ausmus. You could build a small army out of people the Tigers have traded for (and received for) Brad over the years.

After 74 games in Houston, Bako would go on to play in Florida, Atlanta, Milwaukee, Chicago (Cubs), Los Angeles (Dodgers), Kansas City, Baltimore, back to Cincinnati, and lastly in Philadelphia in 2009. However, despite lasting so long in the bigs due to his defense, Bako would never have a season as good as his first in the D.

Bako is currently the co-owner and equipment representative for the Marucci Bat Company, based in his home state of Louisiana. Ex-Major League first baseman David Segui is his partner in the venture. He’s married with two kids, a son and a daughter.

So good luck with your bat business, Paul. Thanks for swinging late that day in ’98. It’s amazing what can make a player unforgettable to a silly fan in the game of baseball.

Meanwhile...in Tampa

2012-01-05T22:03:00.000-05:00

JOE MADDON: Well, it sounds like we have a deal, my friend. Welcome to the Tampa Bay Rays family! Guess we gotta find you a new hat to wear.

FERNANDO RODNEY: Gracias, Señor Maddon.

MADDON: Great to have you. Ya know, we almost didn’t get this done. For some reason, our GM wanted Todd Jones, but he’s happily retired. Then he had his sights set on Jason Grilli. I thought he was dead, but turns out he’s with the Pirates now. Can you believe that?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Yessir. Say, you don’t happen to know what Bobby Seay’s up to, do you?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Ahh, never mind.

/loud crash heard in hallway

MADDON: Ahh, crap. Cover your ears for his theme music.

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

/loud music cranks up

KYLE FARNSWORTH: What’s the meaning of all of this, BROTHER?

MADDON: Hey, Kyle. Settle down. This has nothing to do with you and…

FARNSWORTH: Lemmie tell ya something, Mean Joe! This has EVERYTHING to do with the Farnster, BROTHER! Ya see, me and my little Farns-a-maniacs, brother. We are immortal in Tampa Bay, man. And when the Trop is packed with fifteen hundred screaming Farns-a-maniacs, we are unstoppable! What I wanna know, brother, is what is HE doing here, DUDE?

MADDON: A little competition for the closer job is good for the team, Kyle. We’re a team. Remember that.

FARNSWORTH: A team, huh? Well, lemmie tell ya, Mean Joe, the Farnster’s tried the team thing, brother. Farns-a-mania was runnin’ wild in Chicago, man, and they turned on me and piledrove me right through Wrigley Field, DUDE. The Yankees Pearl Harbored the Farnster and left me layin’ in my own blood, brother! Twice with the Tigers, twice with the Braves, gimmie ONE GOOD REASON why me and my little Farnsters should trust YOU, BROTHER!

MADDON: Christ, I don’t have time for this today, Kyle. Fine.

/puts on silly sunglasses and sequence covered cowboy hat

MADDON: Ahem. Ooooh, yeeeeah! Farnster! I can see the mistrust in your eyes, brother. But you and the Macho Maddon got two things in common, yeah. ONE. We’re the best at what we do, DIG IT? And TWO. We both wanna be World Champions, uh huh. So look me in the eyes, YEAH, and shake my hand, brother. Cause together, the Farnster and the Macho Maddon can rule the baseball world! Oh yeah, DIG IT!

FARNSWORTH: Now you’re speakin’ my language, BROTHER!

/does ridiculous drawn out handshake with Maddon

MADDON: Sigh…

FARNSWORTH: What about you, DUDE?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

FARNSWORTH: Now I know I’ve got the Macho Maddon in my corner and all the little 80 year old Tampa Farns-a-maniacs. But what about you? I remember you from Detroit, dude. You’ve seen The Farns in action, man. Remember what I did to Jeremy Affeldt, brother? Ask Paul Wilson what happens when you cross the Farns-a-maniacs! Do you see this right here?

/points to stupid barbed wire tattoo on arm

FARNSWORTH: That’s where the power lies, BROTHER! Every day the Farnster’s out ther hangin’ and bangin’ in the Channel District, man! The Farnster is training, sayin’ his prayers, and eatin’ his vitamins, DUDE! And if you EVER decide to cross the Farnster or his fifteen hundred screamin’ Rays fans…

/rips off jersey

/puffs cheeks and points at Rodney

FARNSWORTH: Then WHATCHA GONNA DO, when Farns-a-mania and the largest arm in the Tampa bullpen, runs wild on YOU!

/flexes for ten minutes

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Never mind, Fernando. C’mon. Let’s get out of here before he asks us to oil him up.

RODNEY: Lo odio aquí...

Who's Your (Non) Tiger?

2012-01-04T20:27:00.001-05:00

My favorite non-Tigers of all time are Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. I even own an Astros hat in honor of the duo. And as I’ve been reading several articles lately on why Bags will get screwed out of a Hall of Fame induction next week, it got me thinking about whom my current favorite players are today that don’t play in Detroit.

This may come as a shock to many of you, but I don’t hate everyone in baseball. Just mainly Derek Jeter and anyone on the Red Sox. But that doesn’t mean I’m a fan of everyone, obviously, either. So I set out to make a list of guys that I would love to see somehow transplanted to the D so I could openly support them and not feel like a jackoff.

One rule, though. No guys that used to play for Detroit. I feel it would be cheating to make a list with guys like Granderson, Polanco, and so on.

So here we go. Nothing better to talk about unless you’re an Eric Patterson fan. Well, that, or you think Fernando Rodney and Kyle Farnsworth battling for the Tampa closer job is as funny as I do. Maybe I'll do something on that at a later time...

1. Andrew McCutchen, Pittsburgh

McCutchen’s probably the best player in baseball that most casual fans don’t know that well. He has speed, power, patience, and defensive skills…a real total package. He’s what I hope that Austin Jackson eventually develops into. It’s just a shame he plays in Pittsburgh. I have a theory that Satan once wiped his ass with the state of Pennsylvania and Pittsburgh was the shit stain left behind. McCutchen also holds the honor of having the best hair in baseball.

/beyond jealous

2. Michael Young, Texas

Young was my favorite non-Tiger ever since Biggio retired, but I bumped him down here due to my strong hatred of the Rangers after the 2011 Playoffs still lingering on. But Young can do it all, and I look at him as this generation’s Alan Trammell playing alongside the flashier Jeter as Cal Ripken. I would burn down a homeless shelter to get him in Detroit at second, short, or third. In fact, when Alli from Bless You Boys went to the Winter Meetings a few weeks back, I instructed her not to leave until she somehow forced Dombrowski to make a trade for him. She failed and we are no longer friends, as a result.

3. Adam Jones, Baltimore

Amazing range in the outfield. Speed. Power. And by all reports, a good dude, despite sharing the same name as the NFL’s Pacman. Jones, inability to take walks aside, is another young star that’s been overshadowed. Oddly enough, he was originally drafted as a shortstop/pitcher by the Mariners.

4. Hunter Pence, Philadelphia

Another ex-Astro, I’m just a big fan of Pence’s all-around game. I’m also a fan of the name “Hunter”. I feel that if I were to start hanging out with a guy named “Hunter” and a dude named “Brock”, then I might become some sort of badass by association. I’m kind of weird…

5. Clayton Kershaw, LA Dodgers

Speaking of names, this guy has an awful one. “Clayton Kershaw” sounds like a rich, douchebag kid that’s going to try and date rape your sister. But this guy’s an amazing player for the Dodgers and one of the few pitchers in the game that I would go out of my way to watch on TV.

Okay, so those are my top five. Let me toss out another 20 names, in no particular order.

Matt Kemp, LA Dodgers: Another total package.

Andre Ethier, LA Dodgers: Not as good as Kemp, but damn good. Dodger fans are lucky right now. Dodger owner, not so much.

Antonio Bastardo, Philadelphia: He’s a lefty reliever with the Phillies. That’s all I know about him other than him having the most awesome name in MLB.

Jim Thome, Philadelphia: I wish I didn’t like Thome, being that he has spent the majority of his career destroying Tiger pitching. But he’s just too awesome of a guy not to.

Reed Johnson, Chicago Cubs: The ultimate fourth outfielder. Solid bat, can play all three OF positions, and okay glove. Goofy batting stance helps, too.

Zach Greinke, Milwaukee: I feel okay supporting him again now that he’s not with KC anymore. Dude has one of the best curveballs I’ve ever seen. And he’s not right in the head. I can respect that.

Mike MacDougal, Free Agent: A buddy of mine that’s a White Sox fan always used to lose his mind when MacDougal entered games for the ChiSox because he hated him so much. Dude blew Chicago leads like Lindsay Lohan blew strangers for coke. And anyone that pisses off White Sox fans is okay in my book.

Jason Giambi, Colorado: Steroids, blah, blah, blah. Still a beast in his day. And has the most badass tattoo I've ever seen. See?

Justin Masterson, Cleveland: I can’t wait for the Tribe to eventually trade him, like they do with all their good pitchers, so I can enjoy him more. Hell of a young pitcher.

Wily Mo Pena, Fukuoda SoftBank Hawks: The modern day Rob Deer in that he does nothing but strike out or hit tape measure homers. It’s a shame he’s moved on to playing in Japan. Fun to watch.

Roy Halladay, Philadelphia: It’s either him or Verlander that is the standard of excellence in right-handed pitchers. No pitcher in baseball works harder than Doc.

Matt Garza, Chicago Cubs: I admit to being apparently the only guy that was excited to hear Garza-to-Detroit rumors in the past couple weeks. I think the kid’s awesome.

Chad Billingsley, LA Dodgers: Local kid from down the road in Defiance, OH. Gotta support the shithole where I live. Friend of mine who knows him says he’s a cool guy, too, so there you go.

Heath Bell, Miami: He won me over by running in and sliding into the mound in the All-Star Game last year. I enjoy players with personality since most of them are so friggin’ boring.

Chris Young, Free Agent: The pitcher…not the outfielder. Standing 6’10, he’s the second tallest player in MLB history. And being a freak myself, nearly 6’5, I feel the need to support my gigantic brethren.

Jeff Samardzija, Chicago Cubs: GO IRISH!

Roy Oswalt, Houston: Mainly because he played with Bagwell and Biggio and I ended up cheering for him as I rooted for them.

J.D. Drew, Free Agent: Drew makes my list of favorites for one reason. The entire time he played in Boston, I heard Sawx fans do nothing but bitch about him, no matter what he did. And since I think Sawx fans are the devil’s afterbirth, I would like to take this time to personally thank Mr. Drew for pissing them off so much.

Grant Balfour, Oakland: An Australian relief pitcher that does NOT suck. Pay attention, Brad Thomas. He’s the guy I wanted the team to sign instead of Joaquin Benoit. But it worked out okay, I guess. I’d still love to see him in Detroit, though, somehow.

Brandon League, Seattle: 100 mph fastball and the coolest tattoos in baseball. What’s not to like? That's two tattoo mentions in one article. Odd, since I have none. Oh well...

And there ye be. As far as everyone else goes, they can get hit by a bus. Well, unless they end up in Detroit…

Catfight: Ryan Raburn vs. Brennan Boesch

2012-01-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

As much as I can possibly feel badly for a millionaire paid to play baseball for a living, I feel bad for Ryan Raburn. I have never seen a player crapped on by his own fanbase in Detroit more than The Ryno. Yeah, he makes dumb fielding mistakes. But he’s been put out there everywhere by Detroit. Don Kelly gets made-up stupid awards for that stuff. And don’t tell me because he’s so awesome. I remember the lost ball in the Metrodome and him screwing up a potential JV no-hitter. And sure, Raburn’s a slow starter. But I’ve seen the guy make game-saving diving grabs and carry the team on offense when he’s hot…yet no one ever seems to remember that. Or learn to spell his name.

On the other side of the coin, everyone in Tigerland seems to be in love with Brennan Boesch. I’ve seen people flip out at even the mention of trading him. But why? He has yet to do anything in a second half of a baseball season. He is a defensive liability of his own. He has awful plate discipline. And he hasn’t showered in at least three years.

So why does Boesch get a pass from the Tiger faithful while Raburn gets all their mLove and scorn?

Who can say, for sure…I mean, this is the same fanbase that overlooked Brandon Inge’s lack of offensive skill for over a decade. And it’s the same group that keeps telling me that Don Kelly is a productive Major Leaguer.

As always, I have the answer on telling who exactly is the better player using my EXTENSIVE scientific formula that I refer to as “Catfight”. So sit back and enjoy the battle of Boesch versus ~~Rayburn~~ Raburn! Ten catagories, only one winner.

THE CONTESTANTS

Brennan Philip Boesch, Age 26, from Santa Monica, California.
Ryan Neil Raburn, Age 30, from Tampa, Florida.

1. Overall Stats (Last Two Years since that’s all BB has)

Boesch: 248 games, .269 Avg, 30 HR, 121 RBI, 2.5 WAR
Raburn: 234 games, .268 Avg, 29 HR, 111 RBI, 2.8 WAR

Advantage: Push. You can’t get much closer than that.

2. Career First Half Numbers

Boesch: 149 games, .321, 24, 93
Raburn: 223 games, .228, 20, 82

Advantage: Boesch. Obviously.

3. Career Second Half Numbers

Boesch: 99 games, .182, 6, 28
Raburn: 277 games, .300, 33, 122

Advantage: Raburn. By a mile.

4. Appearance

Boesch: Sweaty Meathead.
Raburn: Hilljack with tongue hanging out.

Advantage: Push. There are no winners here.

5. Most likely to talk to you about:

Boesch: Surfing.
Raburn: Country Music.

Advantage: Push. Either way you end up dumber.

6. Defense

Boesch: Plays like a puppy whose paws are too big for his body.
Raburn: Plays like the baseball is covered in AIDS.

Advantage: Raburn. Sorry, kids, he’s actually better than Boesch in the outfield, despite what you may hear from folks. As for infield…yikes. We might as well put a mannequin out there.

7. Potential

Boesch: His best is probably yet to come.
Raburn: Thinks “Potential” might be a Hank Williams Jr. song.

Advantage: Boesch.

8. Likelihood of Calling Me “Bro” or “Brah” If We Ever Meet

Boesch: 75%
Raburn: 0%

Advantage: Raburn.

9. Likelihood of Calling Me “Hoss” or “Y’all” If We Ever Meet

Boesch: 0%
Raburn: 108% (probably multiple times)

Advantage: Boesch.

10. Noted Nose Picker?

Boesch: Yup.

Raburn: Probably.

Advantage: Ryno. It’s all in not getting caught. Ask Tiger Woods. Or Kobe.

So by my INDESPUTABLE PROOF, you all owe Ryan Raburn a gigantic apology, as he is the winner 4-3 (3 ties) over Brennan Boesch.

But can’t we just reach a compromise and start Boesch from April to mid-July and Raburn from mid-July-October? Makes sense to me. I don’t know why Leyland and Company make everything so difficult…

Tiger "Letdowns" of the Past Decade

2011-12-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

Someone forwarded me a link to an article at Bleacher Report on the ten biggest Tiger letdowns of the past decade. Normally, I avoid BR like Don Kelly avoids productive offense, since it tends to make my head hurt and the voices inside start telling me to burn things. I’m sure many of you have had similar experiences there. But it’s a decent enough topic, even though I disagree with the majority of the author, Sean Rinehart’s choices.

For those of you expecting me to do my usual poor-man’s Ken Tremendous FJM hack job on it, I’m sorry. There’s no need. It’s written decently enough, in my opinion, but I just think there were better choices to be made. We all have our different versions of what a letdown is, I guess.

If you aren’t in the mood to sort through the annoying slideshow that they like to do there for some reason, here’s the author’s list of letdowns.

10. Neifi Perez
9. Alex Sanchez
8. 2006 Detroit Tigers
7. Fernando Vina
6. Joel Zumaya
5. 2008 Detroit Tigers
4. Edgar Renteria
3. Jarrod Washburn
2. 2009 Detroit Tigers
1. 2003 Detroit Tigers

Personally, I find the majority of these to not be considered “letdowns”. After the jump, I’ll get into why and what I would have chosen in their places.

Okay, here’s what I’d take out.

He lists Neifi as a letdown due to his salary and his drug problems. I don’t consider $2.5 million for a guy with an okay track record as too ridiculous and I never had any real expectations for Perez in the first place.

Sanchez made his list due to fizzling out after his strong showing in in 2004. Again, I don’t consider him a letdown, either, because I never thought he’d amount to much anyway. He was just another in the Brian Hunter/Nook Logan/Roger Cedeno mold that the team kept trying to put out there in center.

He calls the ’06 team a letdown due to the team fizzling down the stretch and only winning one game against St. Louis in the World Series. Personally, I think anyone calling the ’06 bunch a letdown is fucking insane. No one expected them to come close to what they did that year and it’s criminal to consider that season a letdown in any way.

Vina, like Perez, isn’t a letdown to me because I didn’t expect much out of a broken down player cashing in on one last payday. It was a bad signing…not a letdown. Vina was no star.

Zumaya hasn’t been a letdown. He’s been a sad story of really bad luck.

He calls Renteria a letdown for his poor numbers and being traded for “potential star Jair Jurrjens”. Look. No one thought Jurrjens was going to develop into the solid player he’s been for the Braves. And through Edgar was coming off a season where he somehow hit .332 with Atlanta, his .270, 10, 55 numbers weren’t that far off his “prime” years in St. Louis. I get his inclusion on the author's list, but I just think there were better choices.

I don’t like calling the entire 2009 season a letdown. I’d prefer to call the final four games a letdown, when they became the first team in history to blow a three game lead in its last four contests. Don’t bury the whole season over it. And I’m not going to talk about Game 163 since I don’t feel like being talked off a ledge again.

Finally, the ’03 bunch, no matter how awful, were not a letdown. They were a group of overwhelmed talent put out there by a terribly run franchise. A bunch of AA and AAA players losing 119 games to Major League teams isn’t a letdown. It was just an abortion of a team that never should have happened in the first place.

That leaves Washburn and the 2008 bunch as the only two that I agree with, along with the last four games of 2009. So, I have to come up with seven better choices as “letdowns” and figure out a whole new list of the Top Ten Biggest Tiger Letdowns of 2002-2011.

10. Jacque Jones

From 1999-2005, Jones hit .279 with 132 homers for the Twins. From ’04-’06, he didn’t hit fewer than than 23 bombs with Minnesota and the Cubs. And through he had a poor 2007, when the Tigers traded Omar Infante to Chicago to acquire Jacque to be the starting left fielder, myself and many Tiger fans were excited at the possibility of a rebound year. Instead, Jones only played in 24 games, hit .165, and was released by mid-May. $6.3 million down the drain.

9. Aubrey Huff

Down the stretch in 2009, the Tigers looked to trade for an impact bat to solidify the lineup. In Huff, Dave Dombrowski thought he had found the answer and traded minor league prospect Brett Jacobson for him. The year before, Huff had hit .304 with 32 homers for Baltimore. And despite his mediocre .253 average and 13 homers at that point, DD and others thought a change of pace and a pennant race would re-energize Huff. Instead, the new Tiger middle of the order threat hit .189 with only 2 homers in 40 games to finish the season. To add insult to injury, the next season he’d be an MVP candidate in San Francisco and win a World Series. Dick.

8. Nate Robertson

The Patron Saint of this blog had supposedly turned a corner in the 2006 season. He was Mr. Gumtime and had an ERA of 3.84 in 208+ innings. That was enough for DD to reward Nate with extensions totaling over $24 million over the next four years. Sadly, in that time Robertson would lose any and all effectiveness and become a punchline before being sent off to the Marlins while the Tigers ate his salary. To this day, he toils around in the minors wondering what ever happened to his fastball and slider.

7. The Demise of Bobby Higginson

Yeah, this one breaks my heart. But I’m trying to be fair. In 1996, Higgy emerged as one of the bright young stars in the game, hitting .320 with 26 homers. For the next several years, he was one of the lone bright spots on some otherwise terrible Tiger teams. Finally, the team rewarded him in 2003 with nearly $30 million over the next three years. In that time, injuries and a shitty attitude destroyed the relationship between Bobby and many fans as he would never be the same player again. Higginson remains my favorite Tiger ever, but $30 million for sub-.250 hitting and no power is still hard to swallow and was a major letdown after his fine prime years in the D.

6. Carlos Pena

The Rangers selected Pena 10th overall in the 1998 draft. After being involved in a 6 player trade to Oakland, he was dealt to the Tigers as the crown jewel of the famous Jeff Weaver deal. So obviously, he was highly valued by at least three franchises. And he showed potential, especially with the long ball. I remember attending at game in Cleveland where he hit three homers and thought he was finally breaking out. But the guy was a strikeout machine and never developed the way the Tigers expected before being released in March of 2006. In 2007, he would hit 46 homers for the Rays. Shit.

5. Gary Sheffield

With San Diego, Florida, LA, Atlanta, and the Yankees, Sheff had hit at least 30 homers in a season for each of them before arriving in Detroit in a trade for three prospects after the 2006 season. Sheff was supposed to add some mega-pop to the Tiger lineup, but instead was mediocre by his standards. He hit .265 and .225 in his two years in Detroit with just 31 total homers in 247 games. Then, he was released just before the beginning of the 2009 season and the team is still making payments to Sheffield to this day. I don’t think that’s what anyone expected when the Yanks shipped him over.

4. The team’s treatment of Alan Trammell after 2003.

This one still pisses me off. The Tigers put a bunch of scrubs on the field in 2003, but had local heroes Trammell, Kirk Gibson, and Lance Parrish on the coaching staff. It was obviously a way to still have good will with the fans, despite such a shit product on the field. After three years of giving Trammell and company below standard ballplayers, they cut him loose in favor of Jim Leyland before 2006. They also finally gave the Tigers some real players, as well. It was a real classless and disappointing way to treat the ex-Tigers, especially Trammell, when they were in a losing situation to begin with. It wasn’t until this past season in Arizona where the guys were able to show what a job they could do with actual Major League talent on the field, leading the D-Backs to the playoffs.

3. Jarrod Washburn

Before Doug Fister suffered from a lack of run support in 2011 in Seattle, Jarrod Washburn had a similar year going in 2009 with a weak 8-6 record in 20 starts despite an ERA of 2.64. During their playoff run, the Tigers acquired Washburn for the stretch. But he didn’t seem to be the same man going 1-3 with a 7.33 ERA in 8 Detroit starts. What appeared to be a sure thing at the time ended up being a gigantic waste of time. Washburn never pitched in the Majors again.

2. Last Week of 2009

Epic fail.

1. 2008 Detroit Tigers

Nothing was more of a letdown to me in the past decade than this team. ESPN was actually paying attention to the Tigers in the preseason. Most experts picked them to win the AL Central easily and possibly set a runs scored record with their impressive-on-paper offense. Instead, they played like dogshit and finished dead last in the Central. It was an embarrassment to a growing fanbase that was really expecting something special.

So there. That’s my verison.

As always, let me know anything you think I may have missed.

A Blast From the Past

2011-12-28T23:31:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was watching an episode of “Hoarders” on TV and it got me thinking about the several boxes of old baseball cards I’ve been lugging around since I was a kid. It finally clicked in my pea-sized brain that the thousands of 1989 Topps Gary Ward cards were never really going to be worth anything and pay for my retirement, the way I imagined back in the day. So, I began sorting through them and pitching 90% of what I found.

In one of the boxes today, I found some old Sports Illustrated magazines. As I was tossing them, I noticed along with them, an old Detroit Tigers Magazine. This was a program that I apparently bought at a game in the late 90’s. As I began to leaf through it, I couldn’t help laughing at what I was reading.

Today, I’d like to share some of that with you. Prepare to facepalm.

This is the program, moments before my cat attempted to urinate on and/or destroy it. Filthy creature. As you can see, the cover story is “Tony Clark Blasts Tigers Into New Era”. Yes, the era of mediocrity and depression, as Detroit wouldn’t top 79 wins in a season again until 2006.

This book was purchased at Tiger Stadium on May 27, 1997. I know that from the scorecard that fell out of the middle where I apparently had the attention span to keep score for the entire top of the first inning. Quite impressive for the then-20 year old Rogo. I have no memory of the game, but baseball-reference tells me that the Tigers beat the Angels that day 6-2. Justin Thompson went seven innings to get the win, while Travis Fryman hit a home run. Third-year emerging star Bobby Higginson chipped in with a single and an RBI groundout. Awesome.

Back to the program. Opening it up, we are greeted with a letter from then-President and Chief Executive Officer, John McHale, Jr. My favorite part:

“We are very excited about the future of baseball in Detroit, and hope that you share our enthusiasm and optimism as we continue to build a championship-caliber organization.”

Yes, John. With Thompson backed up by Brian Moehler, Willie Blair, Omar Oliveres, Felipe Lira, and Scott Sanders in the rotation in ’97, we were all counting the days until the pennant was ours.

McHale went on to talk about the exciting introduction of interleague play, player autograph days, and thanking the Tiger employees for their charity work. How nice. You may all remember McHale for being an awful team president and a current MLB executive vice president.

Turning the page, we find an ad for a Sharp WideNote laptop featuring Windows ’95, an 11.2” screen, a 122Mhz Pentium processor, a 28.8 kbps fax/modem, and a 1.1GB hard drive. Technology was truly upon us.

Next is the cover story on Clark. The headline says that Clark “is learning to play the leading role in Detroit while living up to the greatness that has been thrust upon him.” In Tony’s defense, in ’97 he did seem like a big deal finishing the year with 32 homers and 117 RBI. However, four years later, he would be selected off waivers by the Red Sox before moving on to the Mets, Yankees, Diamondbacks, and Padres. I liked Tony, but always got the impression that he was going to nod off over at first base at any given time.

Some highlights…

“It’s been a long road already, and yet the journey has just begun for Tony Clark, cornerstone of the future for the Detroit Tigers.”

“…Clark is poised on the verge of stardom and a place among the long tradition of Tiger sluggers.”

“There are plenty of young players with potential currently on the Tiger squad and deep in the Tiger organization—names such as Fryman, Higginson, Thompson, Hunter, Drumright, and Greisinger.”

“…his start to the 1997 season has some eyes already looking ahead to the World Series.”

“There is little question, however, that when the Tigers do make a run for the playoffs, Tony Clark will be the one carrying the proverbial Tiger flag up to the top of the mountain.”

“For a club that has placed player development as its number-one priority ever since President John McHale, Jr. and General Manager Randy Smith came on board in 1995 and 1996, respectively, Clark is a shining example of how hard work can turn a player from a prospect with potential to a star on the rise.”

There is no author listed for the story. This is a shame. Because I would love to beat them to death with a wrench for this ridiculous propaganda and nonsense they exposed to us back in the late 90’s. Raul Casanova was our starting catcher, for crissakes. We weren’t going anywhere for a while.

Next up was a story on the team’s big free agent closer they signed, Mr. Todd Jones. Try not to laugh here…

“Few Tiger players have a more imposing, even menacing look than reliever Todd Jones.”

They must have seen him at the buffet table or something.

“At 6-3, 235 pounds, he has the build of a gridiron warrior, complete with a facial resemblance to the Chicago Bears' legendary Dick Butkus.”

Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!

Whatever. The rest of the article was an introduction to Jonesey and how he had progressed though the system of the Astros before arriving in Detroit. I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Todd, but to begin by describing him like he was 1997’s Ndamukong Suh is just ridiculous.

Next up is a piece on the manager, Buddy Bell, and how he knows what it takes to be a winner. According to the article, “Bell has earned the respect of many players, coaches, and executives. He has been praised for his patience, his teaching and coaching abilities, as well as his professionalism.” This, of course, is the same Buddy Bell that resigned in 1998 because he “couldn’t stand the losing”. So yeah…another bullshit story.

We then get pieces on Pitching Coach Rick Adair, Third Base Coach Perry Hill, Bench Coach Larry Parrish, Hitting Coach Larry Herndon, Bullpen Coach Fred Kendall, and First Base Coach Jerry White. Herndon and Parrish are good guys, but I remember very little about the others. That is probably for the best.

Next is a page kissing the ass of McHale and talking about what a great human being he is. I don’t believe a word of it since the picture they use has him wearing a bowtie that even Ken Rosenthal would find obnoxious. It gets even worse on the next page where we are introduced to the team’s Vice President of Baseball Operations and General Manager (and Lord of Darkness and Stupidity), Randy Smith. We are assured that Smith is the man for the job and knows what he is doing.

/breaks down crying for 20 minutes

Moving along, there are full color pages showcasing Tiger "stars" Jose Bautista (crappy pitcher, not slugging Blue Jay), Willie Blair, Doug Brocail, Raul Casanova, Tony Clark, Deivi Cruz, John Cummings, Damion Easley, Travis Fryman, Bobby Higginson (why is this page sticky?), Brian Hunter, Brian Johnson, Todd Jones, Felipe Lira, Dan Miceli, Orlando Miller, Brian Moehler, Mike Myers, Phil Nevin, Melvin Nieves, Omar Olivares, Curtis Pride, Jody Reed, A.J. Sager, Justin Thompson, Bubba Trammell, and Matt Walbeck. WORLD SERIES, HERE WE COME!

After that, we get some stuff on the minors and how the Tigers are committed to winning from within again. Sigh. Small blurbs are then done on announcers Frank Beckman, Lary Sorensen, Fred McLeod, Jim Price, and the great ones, Al Kaline and Ernie Harwell.

Nearing the end, we come to information on Tiger Stadium. Seeing eye dogs are allowed, but no other animals. That’s good to know. Soft box and bag type drink containers are permitted and fans are also allowed to bring food into the stadium, as long as it’s not in a hard cooler. Today at the CoPa, they shoot you on sight if you try to sneak in a Tic-Tac.

EDIT: A representitive of the Tigers has since contacted me and let me know that I'm a Liar Liar, Pants on Fire. It seems fans are indeed still permitted to bring snacks and sealed bottles of water into the CoPa. My bad.

There’s a fun, full-page ad from the Oakland Press at the end. In it, they say “Sports writer Pat Caputo, our power hitter, is at bat, ready to hit a home run with the best coverage of game schedules, player stats, locker room exchanges, and team goals for the season.” Pat, if you happen to be reading this, please apologize for this corny nonsense from nearly 15 years ago.

Finally, there’s a seating chart of the old ballpark with ticket prices ranging from $4 for bleacher seats to the most expensive ones…$20 for Tiger Den seats. Yes, only a little over a decade ago, the most expensive Tiger seat was an Andrew Jackson. I blame Nate Robertson’s contract for the increases.

And there you have it. I hope this trip down memory lane wasn’t as depressing for you as it was for me. But the main point of it all, especially for you “after-2006’ers”, is to ENJOY THIS TEAM.

We didn’t always have it this good around here.

Tiger Droppings: After-Holiday Hangover Edition

2011-12-26T22:39:00.000-05:00

Oh, hello there. Nice of you to stop by. Did you have a good Christmas or whatever other late-December holiday you may celebrate? I hope so. Mine? Thanks for asking. It was okay. I still didn’t get that chainsaw I’ve been asking for.

There’s not a whole lot going on right now as far as Detroit Tigers news is concerned. But I’ll try to cover what stuff is out there. Today we’ll get into free agency, random nonsense, and other things.

Vague? You betcha. Interesting? Probably not. But let’s see what we can come up with.

Free Agen…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Yeah. It’s kind of boring out there right now. But that doesn’t mean Dave Dombrowski doesn’t have something crazy up his sleeve. Take a look at the past couple years after Christmas.

2009
1/13/09: Tigers sign Taiwanese free agent Fu-Te Ni to minor league contract.
1/26/09: Tigers sign Brandon Lyon to a one-year contract.

2010
1/19/10: Tigers sign Jose Valverde to a two-year deal (option for a third).
2/4/10: Tigers sign Justin Verlander to a five-year extension.
2/22/10: Tigers sign Johnny Damon to a one-year contract.

2011
1/18/11: Tigers sign Brad Penny to a one-year contract.
1/24/11: Tigers trade Armando Galarraga to Arizona for prospects.

All of these moves were significant in their own ways. And with the team still weak at second base, third base, and needing another starter, we’re sure to see something happen pretty soon. I’m not going to speculate about any trades. Leave that to Ken Rosenthal and other crazy people. But I do have the list of the remaining free agents out there at each position. See if any names pop out at you.

Second Base

Orlando Cabrera
Alex Cora
Craig Counsell
Bill Hall
Jeff Keppinger
Felipe Lopez
Aaron Miles
Will Rhymes
Ryan Theriot

Let’s see. Keppinger can hit a little, but has no power and zero glove. Ditto for Theriot. Cabrera is old and terrible. Lopez hasn’t been worth a damn in a couple years. Hall hit over 30 homers in 2006, but hasn’t done anything since. And the rest of them are awful. Especially Tinkerbell.

Santiago/Raburn is better than anything here. How about third?

Third Base

Wilson Betemit
Jorge Cantu
Eric Chavez
Greg Dobbs
Kevin Kouzmanoff
Omar Vizquel

Well, we know all about Betemit. Cantu has gone downhill in each of the past three years. Chavez makes Carlos Guillen look healthy. Vizquel is older than Leyland. Kouzmanoff could be productive, but made close to $5 million last year. Even if he only commands half that this year, Inge is already making over $5 million himself.

I can’t see DD choosing any of these guys over Inge/Kelly. Although, I would love to add “The Kouz” as a crime fighting duo with Doug Fister. Pitching help, please?

Starting Pitcher

Bartolo Colon
Aaron Cook
Kyle Davies
Doug Davis
Zach Duke
Jeff Francis
Armando Galarraga
Jon Garland
Rich Harden
Livan Hernandez
Hisashi Iwakuma
Edwin Jackson
Hiroki Kuroda
Rodrigo Lopez
Paul Maholm
Kevin Millwood
Sergio Mitre
Ross Ohlendorf
Roy Oswalt
Brad Penny
Joel Pineiro
Jo-Jo Reyes
Joe Saunders
Mitch Talbot
Javier Vazquez
Tim Wakefield
Brandon Webb
Chris Young

Wow. Lots of ways we could go here. Oswalt sure would be nice, though I doubt it would ever happen. Just don’t sign Millwood. You tell me if anyone catches your eye. Gun to my head, I’ve always liked Chris Young, though he has all sorts of issues. And I love Harden when he's healthy. Fister/Harden...yes, please.

What’s the point of all this? Simple. We’ve still got a few months until the season starts. Anything can happen. Just don’t be too upset that DD isn’t in a hurry. The man always has a plan.

Fun With Youtube

The Rod Allen Incident

Haha…never gets old.

Cespedes Watch

From Lynn Henning’s Twitter:

One reason why Tigers figure to be a finalist for Yoenis Cespedes when he hits FA any day now: I think all their scouts are true believers.

Hear that, kids? Just like Santa Claus, fairies, and Cubs baseball…you just gotta believe.

He’s going to be a Marlin.

But, Plugs

-Over at Grantland, Rany Jazayerli wrote this piece on trading prospects for established stars. It's a good read. I promise, there's no Bill Simmons nonsense involved.

-At Brain Matters, Phil Coke's Brain takes a look inside the heads of Alex Avila, Brad Penny, and others. I'm so pissed that I never thought of doing this.

-Sam at Roar of the Tigers shares her Eight Nights of Terrible Chanukah Cartoons. Oy vey. Funny stuff, as always.

-Add Matt Garza to the endless list of names rumored to be on the Tigers' trade radar. Then again, the original report came out of Boston. Boston reporters are scum. And liars. And from Boston.

That's all I've got. Be good out there.

The Obligatory Christmas Post

2011-12-23T19:46:00.001-05:00

Happy Christmas, boys and girls. It’s that magical time of year when, in theory, we’re all supposed to be nice to each other, appreciate our families, and spread cheer to our fellow men and women.

In reality, everyone is stressed out over traffic, money, and buying presents. People are ruder than Barry Bonds talking to a reporter. And we all just want this nonsense to be over with.

And in my case, I’m sick again. This marks four of the last five Christmases that I’ve had the flu. I currently have the luxury of knowing what Jim Leyland’s lungs feel like on a daily basis. It’s a conspiracy concocted by Jesus and Santa, I tell you. Bah…humbug.

But, being the GIVER that I am, I thought I’d spread a little holiday cheer with a list of presents that I would give to those in Tigertown if I had the magical powers of Mr. Claus, Tim Tebow, or whatever.

So allow me to empty my sack (hohoho) and let’s get this sleigh on the road.

Justin Verlander: Gold, frankincense, and myrrh. That’s what you get the son of God, right?

Ryan Raburn: A good first half. A 24 hour period on mLive where everyone spells his name correctly. And a glove made out of leather, instead of iron.

Brennan Boesch: A good second half. And a shower.

Miguel Cabrera: O’Douls.

Dave Dombrowski: Solid colors.

Mike Ilitch: A bite of a good pizza. So he finally knows what one tastes like.

Jhonny Peralta: A new birth certificate so we can start calling him “Johnny” like he’s a human for once.

Doug Fister: A marketing campaign based on this Far Side cartoon.

Get on it, Tigers marketing department. You’ll make millions.

Rick Porcello: Condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. Lucky bastard.

Max Scherzer: One blue contact lense. This “occasionally pitching out of the brown eye” nonsense needs to stop.

Delmon Young: Some sort of mouthpiece to keep his tongue in his mouth while batting. If it works, get Ryno one, too.

Don Kelly: Flame retardant shoes.

Phil Coke: His own blog.

David Pauley: The hope that someone, somewhere…will finally notice that he is alive.

Gerald Laird: Season tickets to the Pistons for him and gramps.

Austin Jackson: A hitting coach to tell him to hit it to right field like he did his rookie season.

Alex Avila: Bananas. Gorillas love bananas.

Jacob Turner: A spotter. Because the weight on his shoulders from the expectations the fanbase has formed is going to crush him eventually.

Al Alburquerque: An end to the Zoom comparisons. Get well, kid.

Daniel Schlereth: A map of the strike zone.

Jose Valverde: Another 50 straight saves.

Brandon Inge: An MVP caliber season. I think it would be hysterical.

Victor Martinez: Whatever Little V-Mart wants. Hopefully it’s not a bunch of Pokemon crap like my spoiled brat wanted. So dumb.

/ignores own childhood of demanding He-Man and Voltron toys

And for all of you readers that read and support me here, I wish you a wonderful and safe holiday for you and your families. You guys rock.

And for those that come here to hate and/or troll me, I wish you never-ending scabs on your genitals. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Take care.

My Five Favorite Tiger Teams

2011-12-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

Is every MLB offseason this boring? I’ve been racking my brain for something interesting to talk about for a couple days now. But I just have no interest in further free agent speculation or what trades Double D could POSSIBLY pull off. If it happens, hooray. We’ve got something to discuss. But the B.S. rumors are growing tiresome as Spring Training just cannot seem to get here quick enough.

Of course, this being the site where sports journalism goes to die, I had considered doing “A Christmas Carol” with Scrooge Ilitch being visited by the spirits of Ty Cobb, Brandon Inge, and Jacob Turner. But as adorable as Ty’s charming racism was coming out, I just didn’t think it was very funny overall, and scrapped the whole idea.

But I did finally come up with a topic I don’t remember getting into on here before. I’ve covered my favorite players and moments multiple times. But I don’t think I’ve ever gotten into my favorite Tiger teams since I started watching baseball in 1985. So that’s what I’d like to do tonight and take a look at my favorite five Tiger ballclubs of the past 27 years. Ugh…I’m getting old.

5. 2011 Tigers

Record: 95-67 (1st place)

Best Position Player: Miguel Cabrera

Best Pitcher: Justin Verlander

Why Them?

I put the most recent team at #5 since I think it’s going to take a while for it to set in for me on exactly where these guys will hold up in my head/heart/whatever. A little over two months ago, our Tigers won their first Division Championship since 1987. Justin Verlander won the Cy Young and MVP awards while Miguel Cabrera continued to be the best hitter (with apologies to Jose Bautista) in the American League. And due to increased attention to this blog, it was the most personally invested I’ve ever been in a Tiger team. Obsessed is probably a better word there.

And since it’s so fresh in my mind, here’s some of my favorite highlights:

4/13: Brandon Inge hits an unlikely walkoff homer to beat Texas, 3-2.

5/7: Justin Verlander no-hits Toronto as the Tigers win 9-0.

6/5: Ryan Raburn, in a 6 for 52 slump that had everyone (except ME) calling for his head, smokes a grand slam to help beat the White Sox, 7-3.

6/13: Tigers beat Tampa 2-1 in ten innings on a walkoff triple by Ramon Santiago to propel Detroit into a first place tie with Cleveland.

6/14: Verlander takes another no-hitter into the eighth inning against Cleveland, finishing the game with a 2-hit shutout and striking out twelve.

6/22: Austin Jackson, in as a defensive sub, saves the day with an amazing catch with the bases loaded in the 9th against the Dodgers as the Tigers win, 7-5.

6/26: The team retires Sparky Anderson’s number. Your Party Host was in attendance and MAY have, um, had something in his eye that evening.

6/29: Don Kelly pitches. Hilarity ensues. He would catch three days later completing his journey to play all nine positions in MLB games during his career. Sadly, he did not retire afterwards.

7/20: Brandon Inge DFA’d. Fat girls in Detroit wept for weeks.

7/31: The Jered Weaver game. Fucking crybaby.

8/3: Doug Fister wins his first game as a Tiger. I fall in love.

8/20: Detroit beats Cleveland 10-1 as the newly recalled Inge smokes a homer in his first at bat back with the team. Even my jaded ass had a smile on my face.

8/21: OH JACKSON! AJax guns down Fukudome at the plate in an amazing moment to save the game (and Jose Valverde’s save streak) against Cleveland.

8/30: Walkoff homer in the 10th inning vs Kansas City by Little Ramon.

9/3: My favorite game of the year. Trailing the White Sox 8-1, the team fights back as Raburn ties the game in the 9th with a two-run homer and Cabrera walks off right afterward to give the Tigers a 9-8 improbable win. Dan Dickerson’s calls of the homers were epic.

9/10: Inge hits a walkoff against the Twins. We wish we could quit you, Brandon.

9/16: Tigers clinch the Central in Oakland. Yeah…that happened.

Then it was on to upset the Yankees before we all had our hearts ripped out against the Rangers. But after an amazing season like 2011, we can’t all help but be optimistic about 2012.

4. 2000 Tigers

Record: 79-83 (3rd place)

Best Postion Player: Bobby Higginson

Best Pitcher: Jeff Weaver

Why Them?

Purely selfish reasons. This was the apex of Higgy-mania for me. While you dicksnots all make fun of Higginson today based on his last couple years when he was broken down, this is the year I always look back on fondly. Higginson hit .300/.377/.538 with 30 homers, 102 RBI, 104 runs, and 44 doubles at a time when myself and many other Tiger fans were desperate for a hero after so many years of terrible teams in Detroit.

And this 2000 team, in its first season at Comerica Park, could have done some damage if someone would have been bright enough to get them some pitching. Seven Tigers had double-digit homers as even Juan Gonzalez was mildly productive as a Tiger. But with stiffs like Willie Blair, CJ Nitkowski, Steve Sparks, and Dave Mlicki starting games, the team was going to have to score 8 runs a game to win consistently. So yeah…not so much.

But again, this team has special place in my cold, black heart as it was the best of Bobby’s career. You haters can just go eat a pile of giraffe shit.

3. 1991 Tigers

Record: 83-79 (2nd place)

Best Postion Player: Cecil Fielder

Best Pitcher: Bill Gullickson

Why Them?

While barely finishing over .500, this was just a fun team to watch. You had Big Daddy Cecil, a year off of coming out of nowhere to hit 50 homers, again lead the league in homers and RBI. There was the arrival of Mickey Tettleton and his goofy batting stance, cheek full of chaw, and 31 bombs. Bill Gullickson won 20 games, a feat that wouldn’t be equaled until JV’s amazing 2011 season. Lou Whitaker and Alan Trammell were still around. Travis Fryman was emerging. Mike Henneman was brilliant out of the pen. Tony Phillips was playing everywhere and being awesome. And Pete Incaviglia and Rob Deer were putting on a show of either homering or striking out in every at bat. In fact, Deer while slugging 25 homers, would only hit .179 on the season. You had to be there…

But like 2000, you can’t win a division without any pitching. Including Gullickson, the team would have eleven pitchers start at least four games each. And Rusty Meacham, Steve Searcy, Dan Gakeler, John Cerutti, Scott Aldred, and Mark Leiter are not starters on a playoff caliber team.

But it was a fun train wreck of a team to watch. 1991 taught me that while winning would be awesome, baseball could still be fun even if your team wasn’t a great one.

2. 1987 Tigers

Record: 98-64 (1st place)

Best Position Player: Alan Trammell

Best Pitcher: Jack Morris

Why Them?

This was the team that hooked me for life. And it didn’t start out that way. The ’87 Tigers started the season 11-19. Not fun. But they battled back and entered September neck-in-neck with the Blue Jays for the division lead. In the last two weeks of the season, they would face each other seven times and each game was decided by one run. In six of the seven, the winning run was scored in the final inning.

Detroit entered the final week of the season 3 ½ games behind the Jays. After a series against the Orioles, the Tigers returned home trailing by a game and swept Toronto. Then, the Tigers clinched the division in a 1-0 victory over Toronto in front of 51,005 fans at Tiger Stadium on October 4th. Frank Tanana went all nine innings for the complete game shutout, and outfielder Larry Herndon gave the Tigers their lone run on a second-inning home run. They would go on to lose in the playoffs to the Twins, but fuck them. That’s not important.

1987 was the year of Alan Trammell. He hit .343/.401/.551 with 205 hits, 28 homers and 105 RBI, finishing second to George Bell of Toronto in a decision that gave 10 year old Rogo his first ever homicidal thoughts. Tram was a beast that year.

Doyle Alexander went 9-0 down the stretch after being acquired for a minor league scrub named John Smoltz. A young kid named Matt Nokes emerged at catcher and hit 32 homers. An aging veteran named Darrell Evans proved he still had it smoking 34 dingers of his own. Kirk Gibson and Chet Lemon would each hit at least 20 homers, too.

But it was Trammell and the “M-V-P” chants from the Detroit crowd during that final month that made me a lifelong fan. I’ll never forget it.

1. 2006 Tigers

Record: 95-67 (2nd place, AL Wild Card team)

Best Position Player: Carlos Guillen

Best Pitcher: Kenny Rogers

Why Them?

They came out of nowhere, especially when you consider where the franchise was just three seasons before in losing 119 games. And it was the ultimate team effort as the play of veterans like Rogers and Todd Jones, the emergence of previously unestablished players Curtis Granderson, Inge, Craig Monroe and Marcus Thames, and significant production from superstars Ivan Rodriguez, Magglio Ordonez, and Guillen all contributed to the team's success.

But the pitching is what put them over the top. Verlander won Rookie of the Year in winning 17 games. Rogers, Jeremy Bonderman, and (sigh) Nate Robertson were all solid through the entire season, too. And Joel Zumaya emerged to become the exciting bridge to Jones, the closer.

As I did with 2011, here’s some of my favorite highlights on the season.

4/16: Chris Shelton hits his 8th home run, becoming the fastest in AL history to reach that mark. He would come back to earth not long after that.

5/20: Ken Griffey Jr. puts the Reds ahead with a grand slam. But with two outs in the ninth, Granderson homered to tie the game. Detroit would win in extra innings.

7/14: This one is fun. In a tie game, with two out and two on in the top of the ninth, Todd Jones faced Mark Teahen, who had already hit two home runs in the game. Jones threw Teahen every pitch he could, and Teahen repeatedly fouled each pitch off. Finally Jim Leyland walked to the mound—where he told Jones his visit was a ruse, designed to fool Teahen into thinking Jones would be throwing anything but a fastball. Leyland walked off the field, Jones threw a fastball, and Teahen swung and missed for strike three. Then, in the bottom of the ninth, Guillen hit the Tigers' first walk off homer of the season for the victory. After the game, Jones said of Leyland's visit to the mound: "I thought, ‘Wow, you’re a really good manager.”

8/1: Guillen hits for the cycle, the first Tiger to do so since Damian Easley in 2001 and the third since 1950.

8/5: Pudge hits a walkoff homer with two down in the ninth to complete a comeback against Cleveland.

8/30: With two outs in the top of the ninth, Monroe blasted a dramatic three-run home run, erasing a one-run deficit, making the Yankee Stadium crowd shit themselves, and giving the Tigers a 5-3 come-from-behind victory over the Yankees.

Yeah. Then, of course, was the playoffs. Placido Polanco went off and the Tigers took care of the Yankees. Then against Oakland…

History. Watching from the third row, it’s my favorite moment in baseball history.

Yeah, we lost in the World Series. But I still smile every time I think about 2006. From the intensity of Rogers, to the youthful excitement of Zoom, the leadership of Pudge, the steady play of Polanco, all the way to the long hair and dramatic flair of Maggs…it was a magical year. And that’s why they get my top spot.

As always, thanks for reading and feel free to share any memories of you own.

Not like we’ve got anything else to talk about…

The Twelve Days of Christmas: Tigers Version

2011-12-16T22:09:00.001-05:00

Well, it’s been a slow week in Tiger news. And with holiday parties and assorted nonsense at work, I’ve been busier than Rick Porcello in an unsupervised sorority house this week. But in the holiday spirit, I composed a Christmas Carol listing the recent Tigers activities for you. It took about 15 minutes.

And it shows. Sorry…

Sing with me, kids. To the tune of “The 12 Days of Christmas”.

On the first day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Better teams than 2003.

On the second day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Octovio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the third day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Gerald Laird,
Octovio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the fourth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the fifth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the sixth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the seventh day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams then 2003.

On the eighth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Inge-Kelly platoon,
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the ninth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
No bid on Darvish,
Inge-Kelly platoon,
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the tenth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Joe Saunders rumors,
No bid on Darvish,
Inge-Kelly platoon,
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Pipe dreams of landing Headley,
Joe Saunders rumors,
No bid on Darvish,
Inge-Kelly platoon,
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Dombrowski gave to me:
Twelve new striped polos,
Pipe dreams of landing Headley,
Joe Saunders rumors,
No bid on Darvish,
Inge-Kelly platoon,
Santiago again,
Cespedes Fever,
NO MORE WILL RHYMES!
Ryan Perry trade,
Gerald Laird,
Octavio,
And better teams than 2003.

...yeah. They can't all be winners.

2011 Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

2011-12-13T20:52:00.000-05:00

Well, boys and girls, the holidays are upon us and that means it’s time once again for Your Party Host to sort through all the Tigers merchandise that’s out there and bring you the BEST OF THE BEST for that special someone on your list. Tis the season to be merry

"That’s my name."

Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

Anyway, here we go, straight from the official Tigers shop on mlb.com.

Detroit Tigers Hammer: $21.99

If you’re looking for a gift for the handyman in the family, your search has ended. It’s even got a baseball stitch-grip in case your loved one is an idiot and thinks the Tigers play rugby! And even if someone on your list isn’t one that’s into tools, an official Tigers hammer makes an ideal object to hurl at your TV screen when Jim Leyland bats Don Kelly second or brings Daniel Schlereth into a close game.

Detroit Tigers Baseball Game MLB Edition: $199.99

Hate your kids? Who doesn’t! Just imagine the look of shock/disappointment/horror on that ungrateful little bastard’s face when he greedily opens his present expecting an Xbox or PS3 game and discovers this bad boy? With its boring 1950’s technology mixed with a modern paint job, literally MINUTES of fun could be had with this update on a time honored classic from before the days of the Atari 2600. Sure, for two hundred bucks you could buy your spoiled brat a whole game system. But that’s not the point. Establishing exactly who's still the boss is.

Magglio Ordonez Clock: $29.99

Take a look at the hour hand. From 1:00 to 3:00, Magglio looks REALLY excited. From 5:00 to 7:00, he just saw Gene Lamont coming out of the shower. At 10:00, someone really needs to call Kevin Rand. And in reality, I just think it’s time someone at the Tiger shop updated the merchandise so I quit feeling sad that my latest Tiger hero’s time in the D is over. Do something nice. Buy this for Jen at Old English D. Someone else should make her cry for a change.

Tigers Bean Bag Chair: $69.99

Know who loves bean bag chairs? Kids and stoners. So if there’s a little Tiger fan on your list, a pothead that’s been more nice than naughty, or best of all, a stoner kid, you can’t go wrong with this sumbitch.

Ugly Tigers Hat: $19.97

Speaking of weed, don’t forget your drug dealer! Every year I try and find the best/worst hats that you would ONLY see on a guy that sells drugs. This is the best of the best of this year’s crop of ugly hats.

Detroit Tigers Flask: $39.99

SOMEONE PLEASE BUY ME THIS! The fun drunk in your family will love you forever if he/she finds this in his or her stocking. (Allikazoo is drooling staring at this, I guarantee it.) The only way this could be more awesome is if it had Miguel Cabrera’s mugshot photo on it. I would bomb a church for one of those.

Detroit Tigers Sandwich Press: $59.99

What’s better than a nice grilled cheese sandwich? A grilled cheese with the OLD ENGLISH D burned in the top of it! Since 75% of Tigers fans are obese (science!), this would be a kick ass gift for darn near everyone. You know Jose Valverde owns one of these bastards.

Tigers Animated Lawn Figure: $99.99

Hate your neighbors? Buy a dozen of these things and scatter them around your yard. When I was a kid, my neighbors would put up this gigantic Christmas light display that would end up on the news every year. Pretty, right? Well it’s not so nice when that nonsense is shining in your bedroom windown all friggin’ night when you’re trying to sleep. I’m glad their bodies were never found. But if they had a few of these nearly four feet tall guys with MOVING BATS, I might have appreciated their obnoxious "look at me" display a bit more.

Set of Three Tigers Baby “Creeper” Outfits: $29.99

Got a baby to buy for? Or maybe you feel bad for Will Rhymes being let go and want to get him a parting gift? Well, here you go. I’m just not sure that I like the name “creepers” for these baby outfits. Certainly, there must be a better name for them. The word "creeper" should not be associated with children. Marketing geniuses? Get on that for me.

Tiger Stadium Wood Seat Cuff Links: $169.99

Finally, I bring you the gift for the guy/gal who has everything. I guarantee that the hard-to-buy-for Tiger fan on your list does NOT have something like this. And will they like it? Hell, who WOULDN’T want a set of cuff links made from old, rotting wood and faintly smelling of 20 year old beer farts?

I urge you all to check out the official Tigers shop as there are hundreds of great gift ideas there.

Hallelujah! Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?

Will Rhymes' Tiger Career Comes Up...Short. Hohohoho...

2011-12-12T15:13:00.000-05:00

Via the official twitter of the Tigers, Will Rhymes has been non-tendered by the team, making him a free agent. Expect to read many a "boo hoo" from the odd section of Tiger fans that worship the undersized, untalented, white, Quad-A players the farm system keeps churning out. As for me, I couldn't be happier unless I found out Don Kelly fell off a cliff while chasing a road runner. Didn't even have to use my AK...today was a good day.

I offer the following as a small (snicker) parting gift to 'Lil Will...

Poor Rhymes. He always got the short end of the stick.

St Patty's day in Detroit will never be the same again.

I'm sure he can still get his old job back working for Mr. Wonka.

Okay, that's enough. Don't want Will to track me down and kick my...ankles.

Godspeed, Tinkerbell. I'll be toasting your contributions into the wee hours of the night.

What Albert Pujols Has Taught Us

2011-12-09T00:39:00.000-05:00

"People from other teams want to play in St. Louis and they're jealous that we're in St. Louis because the fans are unbelievable. So why would you want to leave a place like St. Louis to go somewhere else and make $3 or $4 more million a year? It's not about the money. I already got my money. It's about winning and that's it. It's about accomplishing my goal and my goal is to try to win."

-Albert Pujols, 2009

The deal with the Angels will pay Pujols around $3 million or $4 million more per year than the offer from the Cardinals. Ouch.

There is a lesson to be learned here. No matter how much an athlete talks about how he loves the city he is currently playing in, money almost always talks when it comes to free agent time. Cardinals fans are realizing this now. And the Detroit Tigers need to take note of this.

Justin Verlander and Miguel Cabrera have nothing but great things to say about Detroit right now. But JV's deal is up in 2014. Cabrera's expires in 2015. The team needs to do everything they can to win NOW. Because when those contracts expire, those two are going to want to cash in, either in Detroit or elsewhere.

And I don't blame them. I don't blame Pujols, either. $30 to $40 million more and a chance to play in front of a Latino-heavy market in Southern California? I don't blame the man at all. It's just a shame that he didn't think before opening his mouth in 2009. Cardinal fans are passionate about their baseball and I don't think it's something they'll forget. Stan Musial's legacy is safe again in St. Louis.

But I don't feel bad for those Cardinal fans in all this. They got two World Championships out of Pujols, including one over our Tigers in 2006. They'll live. The pricks.

As for the ecstatic Angel fans? It's going to be a fun couple years for them. But they had better win soon or this is going to haunt the franchise for a long time. In four to five years down the road, this contract isn't going to be as fun paying $25 million a year to a DH with declining numbers. Of course, none of them are thinking about that now because most Angel fans are pieces of bear shit. I hope they never win a game again and Jered Weaver is caught blowing CJ Wilson in a tranny bar.

But again, the time to win in Detroit is now. JV and Big Mig are possibly Yankees-in-waiting down the line. Mr. Ilitch isn't getting any younger and seems to be willing to go for broke. Jacob Turner and the other prospects aren't sure things. If Dave Dombrowski has a chance to make a deal that looks to put the Tigers over the top within the next three years, he needs to go for it. (coughHanleyRamirezcough)

Because what good is the future if in a couple years there is nothing left to build around?

(Pujols quote via Deadspin.)

Gr8: #1 Miguel Cabrera, Man of Redemption

2011-12-07T20:52:00.001-05:00

The “Great Eight of 2011” will be a look at the eight Tigers that impressed me the most in 2011. The order I am choosing these players in is not necessarily who the best overall player was. No, these guys are simply the ones that made me say “wow” more than anyone for whatever reason.

In March, Fox’s Jon Paul Morosi speculated that Miguel Cabrera was headed for his worst season as a pro, due to his DUI arrest and a slow start in Spring Training.

Yahoo’s resident jackass Jeff Passan mocked the Tigers organization and Cabrera for how they chose to handle Miguel’s off field incident.

The Freep’s Drew Sharp called for the Tigers to suspend Cabrera indefinitely to start the season.

Michael Rosenberg of the Freep wrote that Cabrera could turn up in more mugshots.

Lynn Henning of the Detroit News speculated that Big Mig’s career may be near an end.

And my least favorite writer in the history of writers, Mitch Album, referred to Cabrera as “a public menace”.

I was beyond annoyed with these clowns at the time and nine months later, I still haven’t forgiven any of them for the ignorant, ill-informed reaction pieces these “professionals” presented at the time. If you weren’t around this normally goofy blog then, it took a serious tone for a week as I defended Cabrera from these thoughtless attacks. If you wish to review them and read the full articles, click on the “Miguel Cabrera” tag and you can go back and check them out.

The point is, all of these “experts” were wrong. The Tigers and Miguel Cabrera were right in how they chose to handle his admittedly poor decision to drink and drive on his way to Spring Training. He somehow managed get his life together and focus on doing his job, putting together one of the finest seasons anyone has seen of a player in a Tiger uniform.

And for that, and the other reasons I’m about to get into, is why Miguel Cabrera is #1 on my list of Tigers that impressed me the most on the field in 2011. The man was simply outstanding.

Stats and AL Ranks via baseball-reference.com

WAR: 7.1 (4th)
Offensive WAR: 7.8 (2nd)
Average: .344 (1st)
OBP: .448 (1st) (also 28 points higher than his 2010 league leading total)
SLG: .586 (2nd)
OPS: 1.033 (2nd)
Games Played: 161 (1st)
Runs: 111 (4th)
Hits: 197 (5th)
Total Bases: 335 (3rd)
Doubles: 48 (1st)
Home Runs: 30 (10th)
RBI: 105 (6th)
Walks: 108 (2nd)
OPS+: 181 (2nd)
Runs Created: 149 (1st)
Adj. Batting Runs: 71 (1st)
Adj. Batting Wins: 6.9 (1st)
Extra Base Hits: 78 (3rd)
Times on Base: 308 (1st)
Intentional Walks: 22 (2nd)

He hit .353 against righties. .319 against lefties. .349 at home. .339 on the road.

Cabrera hit .311 in the first half. After the break, he upped that to .385.

Going after the first pitch, he hit .438. With runners in scoring position, Mig was money, hitting .388. Two outs and RISP? How about .382?

He hit .313 against Kansas City, .364 when playing Minnesota, .377 against Cleveland, and .388 vs. Chicago. That’s how you lead a team to a 50-22 record inside their division.

Yeah, national writers. They shouldn’t have let him play. That menace.

And Cabrera didn’t have to deal with just the guilt of his poor offseason decision and the scorn of the press. He had fans taunting him for being a drunk in probably every road game he played. Ironically, many of these fans were drunk themselves. And I personally witnessed him have to deal with it at Comerica Park, too, from several of the Detroit “faithful”.

He played with the knowledge of his wife being pregnant and finally giving birth to his first son in August. He dealt with the frustration of being pitched around all season and with a lack of runners on base in front of him. Yet he made it all work.

He hit walkoffs, he made key hit after key hit, and he even showed some decent leather from time to time. Cabrera did it all with a playful grin on his face and always had a pat on the back for a teammate. When the Tigers clinched the AL Central in Oakland, he sat and smiled while sipping a bottle of water, watching his teammates celebrate with the most content look on his face.

And in an overlooked moment that was the icing on the cake for me on what was one of the most dominant seasons I’ve ever witnessed by a Tiger, Miguel Cabrera strode to the plate with 2 outs in the 8th inning of Game Six of the ALCS against the Rangers with his team down 15-4 and the season all but over. Instead of going through the motions, he launched an 0-1 Mike Adams pitch into the left-center stands for one final majestic homer on the season. Unbelievable.

There is no quit in Miguel Cabrera. THAT is what I love and respect about this man.

And though Morosi retracted his statement after the season, I’ve yet to see any other writers do it. Just TODAY, I heard some dicksnot call in to the local sports talk radio show here in Toledo and say the team should dump Cabrera and go after Prince Fielder because Miguel just “isn’t very good”. What more must this man do to gain the respect he deserves?

Fuck the haters. They make me want to retch.

I’d like to be able to say that I was the only guy to have Cabrera’s back in the aftermath of his drunk driving arrest. But there was another guy that had the balls to speak up for him when asked how it would affect the team. His name is Jim Leyland.

“It has no effect. It might make some dramatic reading material. It’s not going to do shit. Believe me. Nothing.”

Well said, Skip, but Cabrera did affect the team in one big way. He led them to their first Division Championship since 1987.

And he damn near led them to the World Series. On behalf of Mr. Cabrera, who would never say such a thing, I would like to extend an invitation to all the writers, players, and fans who doubted and mocked him to pucker up and kiss his Venezuelan ass.

Miguel Cabrera is the man. And I’m extremely proud and grateful to call him a Tiger.

Brandon Inge Sucks at Driving a Car, Too. Not Just Baseball.

2011-12-06T16:35:00.000-05:00

(On a slightly snowy road, west of Ann Arbor…)

SPORTS TALK RADIO HOST: The Tigers are rumored to be interested in acquiring Daniel Murphy from the New York Mets to play third base in 2012…

BRANDON INGE: Hmm. Well, that’s a bunch of hooey. Let’s see what else is on.

/changes radio station

INGE: There we go! Baby, baby, baby ooh. Like baby, baby, baby ooh…I thought you’d always be mine! Man, that voice is just pure honey. Who DOESN’T have Bieber Fever?

/hits tiny ice patch

INGE: Golly! This isn’t gonna be good!

/crashes into four more morons too stupid to drive in 1/8 inch of snow

INGE: Jumpin’ gee willikers! I hope no one is hurt!

/rushes to closest car

INGE: Hey! You okay in there, pal?

/car door shoots open

GARY SHEFFIELD: Oh! My back! My leg! My…my…um, my LUNGS! Oh, Sheff’s gonna die! Oh, shit. Sheff’s gonna finally bite the big one unless he get help…and PAID!

INGE: Gary? Is that you? You okay, buddy?

SHEFFIELD: Aw shit, Brenden. That you? Of all the white boys in PT Cruisers drivin’ around, YOUR DUMB ASS gotta be the one to run into Sheff? Hmm…whatever. Oh, my back!

INGE: Your back was messed up when we played together, Gary.

SHEFFIELD: Shit. My LEG!

INGE: That, too.

/five minutes of uncomfortable silence

SHEFFIELD: Ya know what…FUCK YOU, Brenden!

INGE: Sorry, Gary. Luckily, everyone seems to be okay. How about this weather, huh?

SHEFFIELD: Brenden, Sheff hates you. Damn…how Sheff gonna get paid now? Hey…HEY! You over there! You saw this boy drive like a nutcase into Sheff, right?

EAT EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat em up Tigers, eat em up! EAT EM UP!

INGE: Wow. He really gets around. Look, Gary. You know this wasn’t anyone’s fault. Silly weather. Here. I’ve got ten bucks on me. That help?

SHEFFIELD: Why you cheap mutha…wait. That’s TWO Cold Cut Combos for Sheff! You gotta deal, son. Now get outta here before Sheff decides to fake a neck injury!

INGE: Later, Gary. Good luck, my friend.

SHEFFIELD: Suck my…
--------------------
In case you didn’t hear, Brandon Inge was involved in a six car accident this morning. Luckily, no one was hurt, including Brandon.

Yup. Lucky.

Tiger Droppings: Let's Be Friends Again Edition

2011-12-05T01:47:00.000-05:00

Hello, boys and girls. For those of you that don’t live in the Detroit area…I hate/envy you. It’s cold every day now. It never seems to stop raining. The other day, I got up for work and had to clear SNOW off my car. Sorry, I just wasn’t mentally ready for that crap yet. I swear, I almost just walked in front of a bus instead of doing it. Good gawd, I envy you people that live in areas of the country where the weather isn’t unbearable 10 months of the year.

Anyway, I’ve got a few topics to get through today. But first off, I want to thank everyone that took part in the Trammel Hall of Fame topic last week. I know I seemed to upset a lot of you with my take, but it turned into some good discussion and that was the whole point of it. The one idea of letting Tram in the HOF that I can’t get behind, though, is that of “Well, there’s a lot of shortstops with questionable numbers in the Hall, therefore Tram should get in”. If it were up to me, they’d toss out a quarter of the guys in there. I just view Cooperstown as a place for the elite, not the “very good”.

Also, I sense the Edgar Renteria comparison annoyed several of you. I did that for two reasons. One, because baseball-reference.com has him as the top player comparison to Trammell. And two, I’m kind of a jerk sometimes. If any of you really think that I consider Tram and Renteria anywhere close to being the same kind of player, you’re wrong and/or silly. I love Trammell. Renteria can fall into a pit of crocodiles for all I care.

Whatever. Many of you had good points and I enjoyed reading them. I hope I didn’t piss off too many of you. I promise I’ll try to make up for it later this post with a little surprise that ALL Trammell fans should love. I’ll also be tackling the rest of the Hall candidates, free agency, ex-Tigers, and more.

We can still be friends, right? Take me back, baby…

2012 Hall of Meh Candidates

Last year saw Roberto Alomar rightfully be elected to the Hall and Bert Blyleven FINALLY be enshrined, as well. This year’s list of candidates really has no sure things among it. Let’s take a list of who’s on it, who shouldn’t be in, who are some maybe’s, and who definitely belongs in Cooperstown.

No

Jeromy Burnitz
Vinny Castilla
Juan Gonzalez (dickhead)
Brian Jordan
Javy Lopez
Bill Mueller
Terry Mullholland
Phil Nevin (Go Hens!)
Brad Radke
Tim Salmon
Ruben Sierra
Bernie Williams
Tony Womack
Eric Young

I think it’s safe to say that none of these guys have much of a chance, other than Williams, in our Yankee-loving society. But Bernie Williams sucks. Case closed.

Could Make a Case

Barry Larkin: 12 time All-Star, 1995 NL MVP, 3 Gold Gloves, lifetime OPS+ of 116. VERY similar to Trammell in that he had several solid seasons, missed a lot of time to injury, and his overall numbers (while good) fall a bit short of being elite. Should be interesting. If they let him in and not Trammell? I’ll join you all with pitchforks and torches. If anything, the increasing support for Larkin is making people take a second look at Tram.

Edgar Martinez: 7 time All-Star. Lifetime .312 average and amazing OPS+ of 147, good enough for 44th all time. Would be a shoo-in, but he was a DH most of his career and that hurts him in many voters’ eyes.

Don Mattingly: 6 time All-Star, 9 Gold Gloves, 1985 AL MVP. Arguably the best player in baseball from 1985-1987. Injuries cut short Donnie Baseball’s Yankee career, keeping him out of the Hall thus far.

Fred McGriff: 5 time All-Star. 493 career homers. 134 OPS+ in 19 years for 6 teams. Crime Dog is the most boring player ever to hit 490+ homers. Was very good, but never considered elite. Poor guy.

Mark McGwire: 12 time All-Star, 1987 Rookie of the Year, 1 Gold Glove. 583 career homers (10th all time), including 70 in 1998. Steroids are the only thing keeping him out.

Jack Morris: 5 time All-Star, 254 wins (42nd all time), 2,478 K’s (32nd all time). Postseason hero in Detroit, Minnesota, and Toronto. Lifetime ERA of 3.90 hurts him as Jack was a very good pitcher that had a couple memorable great moments. His Game 7, 10 inning performance against the Braves is one of the greatest games I’ve ever seen pitched.

Dale Murphy: 7 time All-Star, 2 time NL MVP, 5 Gold Gloves, and probably the nicest man to ever play baseball. Lifetime OPS+ of 121, but career average of .265 hurts his chances. A force from 1982-1987, but burned out after that.

Rafael Palmeiro: 4 time All-Star, 3 Gold Gloves, 3,020 career hits (25th all time), 5,388 total bases (10th all time), 569 homers (12th all time), OPS+ of 132. Under the radar most of his career, but will probably never make it in for wagging his finger and lying to Congress about steroids.

Tim Raines: 7 time All-Star, 808 stolen bases (5th all time), 123 career OPS+. Overshadowed by Rickey Henderson for career. Well, that and playing most of the time in Montreal.

Lee Smith: 7 time All-Star. 478 career saves (3rd all time). Closers do not do historically well in the Hall voting for whatever reason.

Alan Trammell: We’ve been over this. But seriously, I’d be thrilled to see him make it. I just don’t see it ever happening unless the Veteran’s Committee somehow inducts him and Whitaker as a team.

Larry Walker: 5 time All-Star, 1997 NL MVP, 7 Gold Gloves, career OPS+ of 140. Chances hurt by steroid era and playing in Colorado.

Like the Trammell conversation, I can see there being several pros and cons for election of these guys. But none of them are slam dunks, in my opinion. Unlike this guy…

Let Him In!

Jeff Bagwell: 4 time All-Star, 1991 NL Rookie of the Year, 1994 NL MVP, 1 Gold Glove. 79.9 career WAR (57th all time, 37th among position players). Career OBP of .408 (40th all time). Career SLG of .540 (36th all time). 449 career homers, 1,529 RBI, 1,401 walks, 149 career OPS+. Bagwell was a beast and is my favorite non-Tiger of all time. He had the most awesome swing I’ve ever seen. Thus, I’m a little biased. But unlike my natural bias for Trammell, I think Bagwell’s numbers, without question, merit a HOF plaque.

Who will ACTUALLY get in? I see Larkin and Morris as the best chances, since they’re the top holdovers. Bags, Big Mac, and Raffy will continue to suffer due to the steroid era. Hell, we might not have anyone elected in this year, except for whoever the Veteran’s Committee lets in.

Fun With Youtube

I promised the Trammell fans that I offended a surprise. If you’ve never seen this clip before, you’re in for a treat. Enjoy.

How in the BLUE HELL did Tram and Lou not get their own sitcom after that EMMY AWARD WORTHY performance? Holy crap. Can you imagine them as a crime fighting duo of some sort? Oh man, that would be epic.

/immediately begins growing sweet 80’s mustache

Free Agency Nonsense

The Tigers gave Little Ramon 2 more years at $2 million a season. And my Twitter feed rejoiced. My question is, um…why? I like Santiago. He’s a nice utility guy. But why not use that money to go after a relief pitcher or something when we already have Danny Worth in the organization? He has a better glove than Ramon and isn’t any worse of a hitter. Plus, he’ll make the minimum for a while. Seems like a waste of cash to me. But I like Ramon and won’t get to upset over it.

Unlike THIS guy!

That’s Matt Young. DD signed him to a minor league deal. Who is Matt Young? Stop me if you’ve heard any of this before.

-He’s fair skinned.
-He’s in his upper 20’s (29).
-He’s small (5’8).
-He’s a left-handed outfielder.
-He sucks. (.208/.269/.229 in 20 games with Atlanta last year)
-He’s SCRAPPY. Don’t believe me? In 2008 and 2009, Young won the “Best Hustler” award back-to-back in the Southern League.

/two thousand facepalms

Between Don Kelly, Clete Thomas, Will Rhymes, others, and now Young, I really think Double D has watched “Rudy” WAY too many times. Can’t we get any GOOD players, or at least guys with a possible future, to fill roster spots instead of these “feel good underdog” types? Ugh…

Also, Jose Reyes signed with the ~~Florida~~ Miami Marlins for 6 years, $106 million. Suckers. Glad we can finally let that silly fantasy go.

Finally, I have nothing to say about Yoenis Cespedes, and I will continue to say nothing about him until someone teaches my dumb ass how to pronounce his name. My guess is Yo-ay-nis Say-spay-dais. Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

Always a Tiger Updates

-Johnny Damon is being rumored to be going back to Tampa or to Baltimore. I love when my jokes turn out to be true.

-The Twins are interested in Edwin Jackson because they are dicks.

-Carlos Guillen has supposedly seen interest from the Marlins. Then again, the Fish have been linked to everyone with a pulse in an attempt to get their elderly fanbase to remember that they have a team down there.

-In two weeks, Joel Zumaya will throw for an expected ten teams or so. The Red Sox have been named as an interested party. If Joel goes to the Sawx, stays healthy, and becomes the dominant guy he was in 2006…I swear, I’ll end up burning down a children’s hospital.

-Kansas City signed Zach Miner. Yes, Zach Miner is still alive.

But, Plugs

-Good piece by Tigerdog at BYB on the Granderson deal, two years later. Myself, I still like the deal, as I did at the time. Please check this out, if you haven’t, because it’s a nice read.

-Friend of DNR, @PhilCokesBrain on Twitter, has his own blog now. Funny stuff, so please check back often. He posts more than I do, anyway.

-Lee takes a closer look at Jose Valverde’s year using sabermetrics like only he can. If that stuff floats your boat, I think you’ll enjoy this.

Good enough. I’m tired. Take care. Enjoy the Winter Meetings.

DIBS Voting 2011

2011-12-02T14:27:00.000-05:00

So there’s this double top secret club called DIBS (Detroit Independent Baseball Scribes) made up of us Tiger blogging nerds. We meet once a year in a random, seedy, downtown Detroit location that I’m sworn to secrecy not to reveal. We all vote on some predetermined categories on the recent season. After, drinks are served, ecstasy and glow sticks are handed out, and bad decisions are made by everyone.

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen BYB’s David Tokarz drugged out of his mind, wearing nothing but a golden tutu, trying to convince Jen from Old English D that aliens are trying to communicate with us through Kurt Mensching’s penis. Meanwhile, Phil Coke’s Brain (wearing a gimp mask to conceal his identity) is in a corner playing Russian Roulette with John Parent and Austin Drake while RotT’s Sam is giggling like a lunatic drawing the whole thing in her sketchbook. Allison Hagen and Big Al sitting in a corner taking turns cutting themselves with a razor blade while she mutters “Casper” and he’s babbling “Millen”…crazy stuff.

I’m still pissed that the April in the D girls ended up leaving with the mLive guys. What a crock…hope they all got herpes now.

Obviously, none of that is true (or is it?). But we all did vote on some Tiger awards and I thought I’d share my votes, along with who the herd went with.

Enjoy.

Most Valuable Tiger

DIBS: Justin Verlander
Rogo: Miguel Cabrera

JV continues to get all the love over the Tigers’ great season. And the guy deserves his praise. But I still feel that Cabrera was the team’s true MVP and without him, this team wouldn’t have done nearly as much.

Best Rookie

DIBS: Al Alburquerque
Rogo: Al Alburquerque

There was no other sane choice here. AlAl had a sensational year until injuries and the playoffs happened. Anyone that voted for Dirks should be forced to become a Twins fan.

Best Role Player

DIBS: Ramon Santiago
Rogo: Ryan Raburn

At least Don Kelly didn’t win. Santiago’s a fine choice, but there was no way that I could pass up showing some love to the RYNO. Raburn continues to be my favorite guilty pleasure on the team. In fact, I consider him to be one of the most absurdly entertaining players in baseball for a number of reasons. Perhaps I’ll write more on that at another time…

Best Moment

DIBS: Austin Jackson’s game ending double play throw vs Cleveland
Rogo: Raburn/Cabrera cap comeback-walkoff vs Chicago

The AJax play was amazing, don’t get me wrong. But to be down as far as we were, to see the team crawl back on national TV, and for Big Mig to cap the unbelieveable comeback with a walkoff homer? That was the moment when I knew we were going to win the division and make some noise in the playoffs. I think I watched Dan Dickerson's call with the replay on mlb.com at least thirty times. One of my favorite Tiger memories ever.

Team Clown

DIBS: Phil Coke
Rogo: Phil Coke

I love Mr. Coke. It’s a breath of fresh air to have a guy on the team with a personality for a change.

Best Hair

DIBS: Alex Avila
Rogo: Alex Avila

Lucky bastard.

Tiger Organization Name of the Year

DIBS: Doug Fister
Rogo: Doug Fister

Duh. Although the 12 year old inside me will always miss Charlie Furbush.

Goofiest Moment

DIBS: Tie-Avila’s mask sparks, Run Dirks Run, JV gives Kelly a hot foot
Rogo: JV gives Kelly a hot foot

I give my full support to the team setting Don Kelly on fire as much as possible. It should definitely become this team’s “Gum Time” inspirational activity. I also think they should douse him with kerosene in preparation, too. Now THAT is team spirit.

Best Victor Martinez- Senior or Junor

DIBS: Senior (barely…sigh)
Rogo: Senior

Yeah, little V-Mart is cute. I get it. I want to win baseball games. Silly award.

So there you go. Feel free to leave your choices below. Finally, the list of the people that voted, via BYB. Any mistakes here belong to Kurt…

● Roar of the Tigers -- Samara Pearlstein
● Motor City Bengals -- John Parent
● Tiger Tales -- Lee Panas
● Phil Coke's Brain Matters -- Anonymous
● April in The D -- Laura, Megan and Rosie
● Fire Gerald Laird -- Greg Papke
● Tigers Amateur Analysis -- Erin Saelzler
● Where have you gone, Johnny Grubb? -- Greg Eno
● Detroit Tigers Scorecard -- Austin Drake
● Detroit Tigers Weblog -- Kevin Vela
● Deetown Tigers -- Skip
● Detroit Jock City -- Zac Snyder
● Bless You Boys -- David Tokarz, Matt Wallace, Al Beaton, Kurt Mensching and Alli Hagen
● Mlive's Tigers coverage -- Matt Sussman, James Schmehl, Ian Casselberry
● Old English D -- Jen Cosey

…and of course, me. As “The Beaver”.

Does Alan Trammell Belong in the Hall of Fame?

2011-11-30T20:26:00.000-05:00

If it weren’t for my irrational love for a guy named Bobby Higginson, Alan Trammell would be my favorite baseball player of all time. Like many others that started watching Tigers baseball in the 80’s, Trammell became my childhood hero. He was good with the bat, arguably better with the glove, and was a class act in the D for 20 seasons. When I was a kid in Little League, I wanted to BE Alan Trammell. Sadly, I was too fat and untalented. I had to settle for being Barbaro Garbey.

Point is, Trammell was THE MAN to Young Rogo and other Tiger fans back then. In many fans’ eyes, he still is the symbol of excellence in Tiger history, the way fans of the ‘60’s Tigers look at Al Kaline, and the way chubby dumb girls of today look at Brandon Inge. I mean, what Tiger fan of that era doesn’t have fond memories of Tram and his double play partner, Lou Whitaker?

And now, once again, tis the season for the yearly Hall of Fame voting. Already, I’m seeing cries for Trammell to be inducted into Cooperstown in his 11th year of eligibility and it makes me feel like a bad fan. Why?

Because I’m one of the few (if any) Tigers fans that just doesn’t believe Alan Trammell belongs in the Hall.

Why is that? Let me count the ways.

I tackled this topic a couple years ago and felt I should re-visit it to see if my views have changed. Unfortunately, the numbers don’t lie.

-In his 20 seasons, Trammell played more than 140 games in only eight of the years. The guy was injured so much that I think it cut into him reaching the numbers fitting for a Hall of Famer. Don Mattingly has the same problem.

-In those 20 seasons, Trammell had only eight years when he had double-digit homers. Only twice did he hit more than 15. Homers aren’t everything, sure, but they help.

-The magic number of hits that guarantee you a spot in the Hall (unless you were caught with steroids) is 3000. Trammell was over 600 hits short of that mark. Of course, you don't require 3000 to get in, but being a bit closer would help his chances.

-He never once led the league in anything other than sacrifices (’81 & ’83).

-He hit under .260 in 7 of 20 years.

-His career OPS+ of 110 is hardly impressive at all. When one remembers Trammell, I think everyone likes to think of the ’87 Trammell, when he hit .343 with 28 homers and got screwed out of the MVP by George Bell. But his 162-game average numbers for his career are .285 and 13 homers. That’s good, but not Hall of Fame worthy.

-Still think I’m nuts? Check this out.

Player A played in 2293 games over 20 years in MLB. He had 2365 hits, hit .285/.352/.415, hit 412 doubles, 185 homers, 1003 RBI, and 236 stolen bases. He played in six All-Star games, had three Silver Sluggers, and won four Gold Gloves. He won one World Series and was the MVP of that series.

Player B played in 2152 games in 16 seasons. He had 2327 hits, hit .286/.343/.398, had 436 doubles, 140 homers, 923 RBI, and 294 stolen bases. He was a five time All-Star, won three Silver Sluggers, and won two Gold Gloves. He also won two World Series championships and was the MVP of one of them.

Pretty close, huh? Player A is Trammell. Player B is Edgar Renteria. And he’s still going. Think Renteria belongs in the Hall?

Alan Trammell is a legend among Tiger fans. I know he’s a postseason hero in Detroit and his face would be on the Mount Rushmore of Tiger players if you built one.

But think about this. If his name was Alan Jones and he played his career in Seattle with his slightly above average numbers, would you think he was a Hall of Famer then? Look at Renteria’s numbers again. It’s hard not to be a homer in the case of a local legend like Tram, but I’m just trying to be objective.

It’s not the Hall of Very Good. It’s a place for the best of the best. And Alan Trammell, while a good player and a great human being, is just not one of baseball’s immortals. Too many injuries prevented that, in my opinion.

Sorry, Tram.

/ducks for cover

Aborted DNR Post Ideas

2011-11-28T17:35:00.000-05:00

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve written a lot of ~~brilliant~~ questionable/silly/stupid material the past couple years on this site. But it’s not like I’ve gone with EVERY idiotic idea that’s entered my peanut-sized brain. No, many an idea has been tossed into the scrap heap for the better of mankind, no matter how bad my writer’s block gets at times.

The following is a list of such ideas that are probably better off not being fully realized.

-Some sort of game show hosted by Jeremy Bonderman. “IS THAT BE YOUR FINAL ANSWERING?”

-A Devil’s Advocate series trying to see the logic in Jim Leyland’s lineup making. A good idea in theory, but I couldn’t come up with anything to defend him.

-Will Rhymes becoming a religious zealot spreading the word on a new faith based on the teachings of David Eckstein.

-The 20 best Tiger middle relievers of the past 20 years. You might be interested to know that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

-Great things written by Mitch Album. Couldn’t come up with any. Good gawd, I despise that man.

-25 intriguing questions with the artist known as @PhilCokesBrain. Could be fun, but I’m already sick of people accusing me of being him. Yes…I know. It’s completely UNIMAGINABLE that there are TWO Tiger fans with a sense of humor. Morons. SHOW YOUR FACE, @PHIL! What are you hiding?!? Are you really Lynn Henning? Randy Smith??? (By the way, be sure to check out his new blog, Brain Matters, at this link. Great stuff.)

-A skit where Fu-Te Ni somehow comes to the conclusion that people of the Jewish faith are what is keeping him in the minors. Our hero would then go on to join a group of Nazis and scream “Heirr Hitrell” until the Upstate Baller arrives from Seattle to show him the error of his ways by convincing him that Nazis don’t get much play with the ladies. A real tear-jerker, as I imagine it…

-Deleted Scenes: Gary Sheffield, unable to find a job, tries to join up Jay and Silent Bob in “Mallrats”. The stoner duo is reluctant to let him be a part of their posse when he keeps scaring their “customers” away.

-A piece criticizing Bless You Boys for having 20 writers and no one ever writing anything new there, other than Kurt complaining about trade rumors occasionally. Thank goodness they added TigerDog…otherwise the last post would be the one reporting on the team being eliminated from the ALCS. IAN USED TO AT LEAST WISH US A HAPPY THANKSGIVING, KURT. Ruined my Turkey Day, it did. I would never do this, however, since I’m not the kind of guy that bites the hand that occasionally feeds me. Oh…oops.

-“The Bachelor” starring Rick Porcello. Too easy…then again, I’ve never seen “The Bachelor”. It would just be my warped version of what I assume it to be. With porn.

-10 Most Interesting Tweets of the Week from your favorite Tiger sources. This could actually be interesting, but then I remembered that I’m way too ~~lazy~~ busy for something like that.

-“Pissing off SB Nation”. In this monthly series, I would randomly pick a SB Nation blog to go to war with over something completely stupid. Considering that I’m already hated by the Angels and Indians blogs there, I already have a decent head start.

/adds BYB to that list

-Various off topic articles where I complain about how much everything annoys me. But I don’t want to come off as being a cranky, old man already. Well, not any more than I already do.

-Catfight: What would be a better third base coach? Gene Lamont? Or an Inanimate Carbon Rod?

-An in depth psychiatric profile of the average mLive commenter. “Traid Rayburn an CRINGE 4 David Right plz DUMbrowski.” Sigh…I weep for our future as a society.

-Different ways I thought of killing myself after Game 163.

-A “Twilight” ripoff starring Porcello as the vampire and Alex Avila as the werewolf. I decided against it after conceding that I’m no expert on the age-old teen girl struggle between choosing necrophilia or beastiality.

-A piece on why the Tigers should replace Lloyd McClendon as hitting coach with Bobby Higginson. And then activate him, making him possibly baseball’s first player/hitting coach. Eat me, he’d be better on defense than Young, Raburn, or Boesch.

-Speaking of Boesch…”Brennan or ?”. This would be comparing BB to random things and asking the question of “Which smells worse?” I know many of you, especially the ladies, are into Boesch. But he looks to me like his last shower was in 1999.

-“Penny Hunting”. Skits where Brad Penny takes random teammates hunting. Sadly, I already have too many stereotype redneck characters on here (Clete, Raburn, etc). Although the mental image of Don Kelly getting caught in a bear trap never ceases to make me giggle like a moron.

So, yeah. It’s a good thing that I’ve been blessed with a filter after all. This stupid blog is bad enough as it is.

Gr8: #2 Alex Avila, Titanium Catcher

2011-11-27T16:56:00.001-05:00

A Thanksgiving Feast at the Inges'

2011-11-24T20:44:00.001-05:00

BRANDON INGE: Golly, kids! Look at this spread your mom whipped up for us! It’s a shame she was so determined to get out there for the Black Friday sales, huh? Haha, oh well, she loves her shopping! That’s why Daddy’s gotta keep playing ball on his wrecked up knees, right?

CHASE INGE: Daddy, is Mommy a gold digger?

TYLER INGE: Do you secretly hate Mommy?

BRANDON: Gosh, no, kids! Wow, your imaginations are out there! Haha…sigh. Well, boys, don’t fret. We’re not gonna be alone this Thanksgiving because some of Dad’s best buddies said they’d be stopping by! Heck, we’re gonna have a grand old time! Not like we can eat all this super grub ourselves!

CHASE: Uncle Sheff’s not coming, is he?

TYLER: He always asks us for money.

CHASE: And calls Mommy a stank ass ho.

TYLER: What’s a stank ass ho, Daddy?

BRANDON: Um, don’t worry about it. And no, Uncle Sheff won’t be coming. He hates Daddy because Daddy is still employed. No, some of our less fortunate friends that didn’t have anywhere else to go will be coming over. In fact, I think I hear a car door now! Be on your best behavior, kids!

/door shoots open

CASPER WELLS: Holla, holla, holla, it’s none other than the Upstate Balla! What up, B? How’s my boy doin’?

BRANDON: Hey, Casper. Great to see ya. Hope you had a swell birthday yesterday.

WELLS: Sho nuff, bro. Sho nuff. Da Balla had hisself a bitchin’ time, son. Too much fun, in fact. Glad you called about this Thanksgiving party, man. Statutory rape laws be enforced like a mutha out in Seattle, bro. Balla need to lay low, you know what I’m sayin’? Wow! This food spread be tight, B! And look at these kids! Damn, you playas be getting’ big! Hey, boys…y’all got a sister?

BRANDON: Um, no, Casper, they don’t. I thought you said you were bringing someone with you?

WILL RHYMES: I’m down here, Brandon.

BRANDON: Oh my! Hey, Will! Sorry, buddy. How are things going?

RHYMES: I’m expecting my release any day. I want Danny Worth to die. Life is a miserable existence and I’m considering walking in front of a moving bus.

BRANDON: (whispering) Casper, what happened to him?

WELLS: Nothin’, B. That boy be trippin’ ever since they left him off the playoff roster. Don’t worry. I’m gonna get him laid as soon as I find me a ho that believes he’s over 15, ya know? Are you serious, bro? Is that stuffing? And cranberries? Your girl outdid herself! She around? You guys…ya know…cool?

BRANDON: She’s out shopping. But yeah, she did a heck of a job.

WELLS: Speaking of awesome jobs, did you see Nickelback at halftime earlier? They no T-Pain, but oh snap, those boys be sick, yo! Not as sick as my Cowboys, though, B! They gonna whoop on Miami, son!

BRANDON: I forgot you’re a Cowboys fan. Of course you are.

/knock on door

BRANDON: Will? Can you get that for me?

RHYMES: What’s the point? I hate everyone. And I can’t reach the doorknob.

BRANDON: Fine. Come in!

/thump heard repeadedly

BRANDON: Um…push it open. Don’t pull.

/door finally opens

JEREMY BONDERMAN: DOOR IS TRICKY HERE. HI BRANDON. HI LITTLE BRANDONS. HI BALLER. HI KEEBLER ELF.

CHASE: Yay! Uncle Bondo! He makes us feel smart!

TYLER: Uncle Bondo! I can tie my shoes now! Did you learn yet?

BONDERMAN: VELCRO SHOES NO NEED LACES, SILLY. I’M HUNGRY.

BRANDON: Cool, Bondo. Have a seat. Food’s ready, I’m just bringing it out now. Shani did an amazing job.

RHYMES: I wish I had a wife like yours, Brandon. Guess I never will at this rate. Sigh. Brandon, do you own a gun?

WELLS: Yo, Will. Chill out, bro. Quit bringing everyone down, ya feel me? Here. Have a brew.

/hands Rhymes Smirnoff Ice

BRANDON: Okay, everyone. I think everything’s out and…

/door shoots open

FU-TE NI: Herro evelyone! Happy Tulkey Day!

WELLS: Awww, shit! There’s my boy! You representin’ the Balla in T-Town like a boss, son?

NI: I tly, Barra. But Toredo nevel be the same without you, my fliend. Dlunk gills miss Da Barra in clappy bals downtown. And Fifth Thild Fierd not same, eithel.

BRANDON: Hey, Fu. Take a seat. Oh…we’re out of chairs. Will, do you mind sitting at the kids’ table?

RHYMES: Sigh. Of course. Left out again.

/cuts thigh with razorblade

BRANDON: Okay, fellas. Before we dig in, let’s all take a moment to say what we’re thankful for. I’ll start. I’m thankful for my boys over there, first of all. I’m super thankful for Mr. Ilitch’s misguided faith in me. I’m thankful for great friends like you. And I’m thankful for another year playing in Detroit, the greatest city on earth! Oh, and Shani, of course. Next?

WELLS: I’m thankful for the morning after pill, bro. Oh, and for Affliction shirts. And Tony Romo. And I be thankful that Shani’s out spending your duckets and not mine, son. Haha!

NI: Werr, Ni thankfur fol Da Barra being hearthy again. And Ni thankfur fol Blandon inviting Ni ovel to cereblate famous day whele Pirglims sraughtel Indians aftel eating tulkey and coln.

WELLS: The Indians called it maize, yo. And they re-signed Sizemore.

NI: Solly. Tulkey and maize. Oh, that lemind me. Go maize and brue this Satulday! Buckeyes all going to finarry roose!

BONDERMAN: I THANKFUL FOR SCOOBY DOO. AND PANCAKES. DID SHANI MAKE PANCAKES, BRANDON?

BRANDON: Um, no. Sorry, man.

BONDERMAN: FIDDLESTICKS.

BRANDON: Kids? How about you guys, you little rascals?

CHASE: We’re thankful for Mommy.

TYLER: And Nintendo DS.

CHASE: And X-Box.

TYLER: And Scooby Doo. Good one, Uncle Bondo.

BRANDON: How about me? Heh…

CHASE: Sure.

TYLER: Whatever, Dad.

RHYMES: I’m thankful for bleach. I’m gonna drink a gallon of it after dinner.

BRANDON: Okay, everyone! God bless us, every one! Dig in!

DAVID PAULEY: Um, is anyone going to pass me a plate?

BRANDON: Holy heckfire! When did you get here, pal?

PAULEY: I was here before everyone else. Guess you didn’t notice…again.

BRANDON: Sorry. Well, chow down, everyone! Happy Thanksgiving!

BONDERMAN: HAPPY…I POOPED.
----------
Yeah, sorry about all that. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

Ingraham Defends Self Poorly Over Non-JV Vote; I Respond

2011-11-22T12:04:00.000-05:00

After the announcement yesterday of Justin Verlander winning the MVP, I wrote about my disgust over one voter, Jim Ingraham from Cleveland, completely leaving JV off of his ballot. I remarked that I anxiously waited for him to write a piece defending himself, which to his credit, he spent little time in getting online.

Was I too hasty? Did Jim say anything worthwhile to defend himself in naming ten other AL players over Verlander as most valuable?

No. He didn’t. Read on.

I was one of the 28 voters for the American League Most Valuable Player Award.

If there were any justice, you never would be again.

I had three Detroit Tigers on my ballot. None of the three was Justin Verlander, who won the award, getting 13 of a possible 28 first-place votes.

And that is why you fail.

I was the only voter who didn't include Verlander anywhere on his 10-player ballot.

That’s because you are a clueless penis blister on the overall body that is sports writing.

This was my reasoning:

The short version is I don't believe pitchers should be eligible for the MVP Award.

Okay. So the actual rules state that pitchers are, in fact, eligible for the MVP Award. Thus, they should be included. Several pitchers have even won the award in the past. Just because you, for whatever reason, disagree with this rule does not fucking mean you have the right to change said rule.

My not voting for Verlander had nothing to do with evaluating what Verlander accomplished this season. It was one of the great seasons by any pitcher ever. Nobody has to convince me of Verlander's greatness this season.

No, but what they apparently need to convince you of is that a great player is also valuable. I cannot see how anyone, let alone a sportswriter that actually sees Verlander carve up his team a few times a year, cannot understand this fact. Then again, I’m not a goddamn moron with shit for brains.

I cover the Indians, who are in the same division as the Tigers, so I've seen Verlander's greatness first-hand.

Yeah, he’s awesome, isn’t he? He’s the best pitcher in baseball. This makes him valuable. In fact, I think he was one of the top five (at least) most valuable players in all of baseball in 2011, let alone the American League.

DO YOU SEE HOW THIS WORKS, FUCKTARD?

He's the only pitcher I saw this year who I felt had a legitimate chance to pitch a no-hitter every time he took the mound.

Yet it didn’t click in your thimble-sized brain that this makes him pretty valuable? I keep using the word “valuable” because this award that you had the important task in voting for has the word “valuable” in it when describing the player you were voting for.

I know Verlander is a great pitcher. I also know, by the nature of his job, he did not appear at all in 128 of the Tigers' games this year. That's 79 percent of the Tigers' season. I can't think of any other sport in which a player who didn't play in 79 percent of his team's games could be voted the Most Valuable Player in his league.

Let me repeat what I said in my last piece to counter this argument once again.

Verlander faced 969 batters this season. And he dominated them. Now let’s take another dominant MVP candidate in Cabrera. He had 688 plate appearances. So Verlander had nearly 300 more head-to-head matchups than Cabrera, who played in 161 games this year.

And it’s not like Verlander went out there every five days and spent the rest of the time, say, drinking beer and eating chicken. His side sessions and preparing for opposing teams were invaluable in his success this year. Also, Verlander’s dominance allowed Jim Leyland the luxury of using his entire pen in the two days before JV’s starts, knowing they wouldn’t be needed on Justin’s day. And the day after? The pen is rested again.

So just because a guy like Cabrera, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Jose Bautista are out there, standing around, scratching their balls, and maybe affecting the ballgame 4-6 times per game on a daily basis shouldn’t overshadow a guy that affects EVERY play every fifth day.

Obviously, I'm in the minority in this year's MVP voting. I expected to be. I'm sure many wonder why I didn't at least have Verlander somewhere on my ballot — second, third, fourth — if not first. My answer to that is this: If Verlander was going to be on my ballot at all, he was going to be first.

/bangs head against wall repeatedly

So, he was good enough to be first on your ballot based on the rules. But you don’t like the rules. So you left him off. Is that it?

/resumes banging head against wall

But once I decided I didn't think it was fair to compare pitchers with position players for this award, meaning I wasn't going to give Verlander a first-place vote, it would have been hypocritical of me to have him anywhere else on my ballot.

Deciding if it’s fair to compare pitchers and position players was NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. Your job was to vote for the Most Valuable Player in the American League. The rules say pitchers are eligible. 27 other voters were able to understand this. Anyone that has ever heard of the MVP understands this. My fucking kid understands this and all he cares about is Pokemon and farts.

Let’s try this. Thursday is Thanksgiving. Let’s say I go to my mom’s house and she puts out a spread of salad, some stuffing, yams, some sweet potatoes, kielbasa, a turkey, and serves a pumpkin flavored cheesecake for dessert. Then, she asks me what my favorite part of the meal was. I ask her if dessert counts, since the pumpkin cheesecake was the bomb. She says yes. But then I (for whatever reason) say, no, I don’t think dessert should count. So I’m going with the kielbasa, even though the pumpkin cheesecake gave me a mouth orgasm.

This is wrong because she established the rules and then I just went with my own. It doesn’t make sense. Also, none of this would happen because my mom will probably spend Thanksgiving drunk watching Lifetime movies, calling me a failure, and not cooking at all. I hate my family.

/love ya, mom

He was either going to be first on my ballot or not on it at all.

This is so dumb. Thank goodness most of Cleveland is illiterate and can’t read your horseshit on a daily basis.

Again, I realize I'm in the minority, and I don't begrudge any of my peers who did vote for Verlander. I can understand their argument for voting for him, and I respect the reasoning of those who did. I just don't agree with it. That's the whole purpose of the voting process. Sorting out opinions.

Fuck you. The purpose of voting is to choose the best of the best. To reward the man who did the best job based on the rules of the vote. Your opinion on the rules has nothing to do with it.

The US Constitution says that someone must be at least 35 years old to be President. I don’t agree with this. If a 32 year old is smart and qualified enough to be President, I don’t think those three years should be held against him or her. But you know what? Those are the rules. I could start a campaign to have that rule changed if I had a bunch of free time and really cared enough about it. But I’m not going to mess up the voting process just because I don’t agree with the rules.

In the 34 games (21 percent) of the Tigers' season that Verlander appeared in, he was obviously overpowering, and in most games virtually unbeatable. But in 128 of the Tigers' games (79 percent), he was no factor at all.

Except for the whole saving the bullpen thing that you ignore.

Twenty-one percent of an NFL season is three games. I highly doubt an NFL quarterback could be voted MVP if he only played in three games.

This isn’t football. I know that with the shitty Browns in Cleveland, you’re not exactly sure what football is supposed to look like. But this is a baseball award. They are completely different things. Quit trying to outthink the room.

I also believe there is a grind to the 162-game major-league season that position players have to deal with that starting pitchers don't. Position players must be physically and mentally prepared to perform at a high level in 140 or more games per season.

Ever watch an outfielder during a baseball game? They spend 90% of the game scratching their ass and looking for hot broads in the stands. A couple times, they run after a ball. Not exactly marathon running, you know?

Ever actually play baseball? It’s not exactly the most strenuous sport in the world. Many of these guys work harder trying to find their car keys in the morning than they do in an average 9 inning game. Did John Kruk or Cecil Fielder look like world class athletes to you?

Also, two players you DID include on your ballot were Michael Young and Victor Martinez, guys who spent a lot of time, and in V-Mart’s case, the majority of his time, as designated hitters in 2011. Please don’t try and convince everyone how strenuous it is to actually have to stand up and swing a bat four times within three hours.

And another thing about starters, brought up by Jay in the comments yesterday, is the pressure that the starter faces. If a hitter fails when all eyes are on him, he’s got a few more at bats to redeem himself. The focus is only on him for a minute or two. Meanwhile, the focus of the game is on the pitcher the entire time he’s out there. And if he screws up, he’ll be in the showers before you can say “Brad Penny”. Verlander not only met and stared down that pressure, but he excelled in it this year.

And as I said before, the days in between starts for Verlander weren’t spent playing Call of Duty and beating off to midget porn in the clubhouse. The man worked hard every day and it’s insulting for you to insinuate anything different. Just because Fausto Carmona sleeps through the four days between his starts before getting bombed off the field within 2 innings doesn’t mean every pitcher is like that.

It's a great achievement for the position players at the top of the MVP voting to be able to stay healthy and to perform at the high level they did over the long marathon of a major-league season. Starting pitchers aren't required to do that.

A starting pitcher does more in 7 innings than most position players do in two weeks. Seriously, think about it. During the Tigers/Yankees playoff game I went to this year, for example, Nick Swisher chased after like two balls. The rest of the time, he was talking smack, shaking his ass at chicks, and joking with other fans in the bleachers. Meanwhile, on the mound, CC Sabathia was working his balls off in a losing effort.

That doesn't mean starting pitchers are any less important than position players.

Or less valuable.

But to me, it does mean trying to compare the relative worth of a player who plays in 150 games to one who plays in 34 is very difficult. A pitcher and a position player are two completely different jobs.

So is pitching and being an NFL quarterback. But you like making that comparison for some weird fucking reason.

I've been voting on these awards for 27 years.

By my count, that’s 27 too many.

I take this process very seriously.

No, you take your personal beliefs very seriously. You take them seriously enough that you are willing to ruin the integrity of the MVP voting process by making your own rules. You’re a hypocrite after all.

Verlander is a great pitcher. The best in the majors this year. My ballot is not my way of saying he wasn't.

No, your ballot was your way of making YOU more important than the players you were voting on. And this is a disgrace. It’s a shame that no one in the major media will have the balls to call you out for it.

My ballot is my way of saying it's unfair to both groups to have to compare pitchers and position players for this particular award.

As a columnist, you are in the unique position to state your case for changing the rules of voting for the MVP. So do that. Write some epic essay on the evils of the MVP voting process and petition your fellow voters to make it an official change.

But until that happens, you should do what you have been entrusted with. You should have voted on who the ten most valuable players in the American League were in 2011. You didn’t do so and are a sham of a voter for doing so. Thank goodness EVERY SINGLE ONE of your colleagues were not as careless and classless.

As I’ve said before, I don’t care where you put Justin Verlander in your vote. He was third in my personal meaningless ballot. But to not include him at all because you don’t like the rules of the voting is silly, ridiculous, and the work of someone that should never, NEVER be allowed to be part of such an important process again.

Asshole.

JV Wins MVP, But That's Not What Makes News

2011-11-21T18:04:00.001-05:00

Progressive Field, home of the Indians, is an amazing ballpark. In fact, it is my favorite stadium that I’ve had the pleasure of watching a Major League ballgame at, beating out Comerica Park, Tiger Stadium, The Great America Ballpark in Cincinnati, Miller Park in Milwaukee, and The Rogers Center in Toronto (in no particular order).

So there. Don’t say that I never said anything nice about Cleveland. Because I’m not going to for the rest of this piece.

Justin Verlander won the AL MVP today, picking up 13 of the 28 first place votes, overall. Good for him, as he was amazing this year and I’m proud and honored that he plays for the Detroit Tigers. Personally, I had him third after Jose Bautista and Miguel Cabrera. So I wasn’t going to throw a fit if he didn’t win.

But what amazes and pisses me off is that one guy, Jim Ingraham of Cleveland’s News-Herald, left him off of his ballot completely. How is it that a guy with the honor/responsibility of casting something as important as an MVP vote could leave the eventual winner off of his ballot? Are there really ten more valuable players in the American League than Justin Verlander to Ingraham?

No. Of course not, unless he’s a complete moron. But Ingraham is making this about himself and his opinion that a pitcher shouldn’t be eligible for the MVP. Never mind that pitchers ARE eligible for the award. Jim just thinks they shouldn’t be, so he decided to be the guy to try and screw Verlander out of the award in case the other voters disagreed with him. How mature.

Let’s hear from the man himself.

“I’d wrestled with this for a long time. If I was ever going to vote for pitcher for MVP, it would be him this year,” Ingraham said. “He hasn’t appeared in 79 percent of their games, any starting pitcher really doesn’t appear in 79 percent of his team’s games in a year."

There is nothing in the rules saying a player must appear in 79% of a team’s games. I’m not sure where that number came from, as I have taken this quote directly from the News-Herald’s site.

“Would you vote for an NFL quarterback for MVP if he only appeared in three of his team’s 16 games, which would 21 percent? So that’s part of it.

Another part of it is I think they’re apples and oranges. The guys that are in there every day, there’s a grind to a season that a starting pitcher doesn’t, I don’t think, experience the way the everyday position players do playing 150, 160 games.”

Dude…you’re doing it wrong.

Look at it this way. Verlander faced 969 batters this season. And he dominated them. Now let’s take another dominant MVP candidate in Cabrera. He had 688 plate appearances. So Verlander had nearly 300 more head-to-head matchups than Cabrera, who played in 161 games this year.

And it’s not like Verlander went out there every five days and spent the rest of the time, say, drinking beer and eating chicken. His side sessions and preparing for opposing teams were invaluable in his success this year. Also, Verlander’s dominance allowed Jim Leyland the luxury of using his entire pen in the two days before JV’s starts, knowing they wouldn’t be needed on Justin’s day. And the day after? The pen is rested again. Only Roy Halladay and maybe CC Sabathia can match Verlander in consistent greatness every time out, in my opinion, giving teams the advantage to save the bullpen.

After a Tigers loss? Verlander was 16-3. Sounds like he was pretty valuable at preventing losing streaks, as well.

So just because a guy like Cabrera, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Bautista are out there, standing around, scratching their balls, and maybe affecting the ballgame 4-6 times per game on a daily basis shouldn’t overshadow a guy that affects EVERY play every fifth day. I give you the overall number again: 969 vs 688. If anything, maybe we should be valuing starting pitchers MORE in the MVP voting.

Again, do I fault someone for valuing a position player higher? No, because I tend to do so as well, thus my preference for Bautista or Cabrera winning. But to discount someone as brilliant as Justin Verlander was in 2011 and leave him off a ballot entirely should be a crime and Ingraham's voting ability should be taken away permanently. I also suggest removing his genitals with garden shears. But that's just me...

If you want to make a statement, vote Verlander 8th, like the other Cleveland writer, Sheldon Ocker did. Don’t be an ass and make yourself the news, Ingraham. You prick. Because that’s what you did with your non-vote. Congrats on your shameless self-promotion that you’ll now get for all the wrong reasons.

But should we be surprised that the Cleveland writers would value a dominate pitcher so little? Ask Cliff Lee and Sabathia how much the city of Cleveland values ace-type pitching. They’d rather spend their money on Travis Hafner and Grady Sizemore.

I’m sure Ingraham will capitalize on his newfound national fame with a full article defending his defenseless actions in upcoming days. And you can be sure that Your Party Host will be waiting anxiously for it. In fact, I’m dying to read it. If you happen to see it before I do, be sure to tip me off. I’ll be happy to reward you with a profanity-laced rebuttal to it here at DNR.

EDIT: He already defended himself here. My response will be up tomorrow.

But for now, join me in congratulating Justin Verlander on his American League Most Valuable Player award, despite the sabotage attempt of a dickbag writer in Cleveland, America’s saddest city. Manny Ramirez left, Albert Belle left, CC left, Lee left, Jim Thome left (twice), LeBron James left, and so on, for one reason or another. Even Bernie Kosar left to go win a Super Bowl in Dallas. Star after star has left Cleveland over the years.

And now the credibility of Cleveland’s writers has left them, too.

As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough to be from Ohio…

Think You're Smarter Than Me, Jerk?

2011-11-20T13:14:00.000-05:00

Well, you probably are. I am what the Ancient Greek philospher Fred Sanfordfoles referred to as a "big dummy".

But I found this quiz over at sporcle.com where you are challenged to name the players that made up the Opening Day starting lineups for the Tigers from 1991-2010 within 15 minutes. It's quite fun if you're a Tiger nerd such as myself. So click that link, give it a try, and see how you do. No cheating, jerks! Then come back and compare to how Your Party Host did after the jump.

Did you take the test yet? No cheating, just do it! We'll wait all day on you if we have to.

...

Sigh.

I got 179/200. Not bad, but I'm still pissed at a couple of them I missed. I'm sure that'll happen to everyone (other than TigerDog who I expect to get 100% within 3 minutes). Here's a list of the guys I whiffed on.

Junior Felix, Rudy Pemberton (who?), Juan Samuel, Mark Lewis, Joe Randa (that was dumb), Joe Oliver, Juan Encarnacion (facepalm), Luis Polonia, Billy McMillon, Craig Paquette, Mike Rivera, Jose Macias, Eric Munson (HOW COULD I FORGET?), Mike Maroth (sorry, Mike...brain fart), Alex Sanchez, Fernando Vina, and Rondell White (ugh!).

I admit, I only got Eddie Williams because I was just typing in random last names at the end.

How did you do? The first person to beat my score gets...well, nothing. I'm poor.

You know-it-all prick.

The Tigers Get Their Money Back

2011-11-17T14:40:00.000-05:00

(Detroit Tigers headquarters, Detroit, MI)

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Um, you wanted to see me, sir?

MIKE ILITCH: Indeed I did, Donald.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.

ILITCH: Right. I think you have some explaining to do.

DOMBROWSKI: I do? I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand. I thoroughly inspected the trunk of your car like you requested. No vampires were found. Again.

ILITCH: Not that, you buffoon. I’m talking about the man in my office. I can’t believe you let him back into our organization.

DOMBROWSKI: The man in your office? You haven’t been speaking to the ghost of Billy Martin again, have you, sir?

ILITCH: Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron, Douglas. Take a look for yourself.

/opens office door

GERALD LAIRD: Yo, yo, yo, bitches! G-Muthafuckin’-Money back in the Mammajammin’ Hiz-oooooouse!

DOMBROWSKI: Oh. Him.

ILITCH: You’re damn right, him! I know we discussed finding a backup for Al’s son so we don’t kill him. But this goof again? When I hired you to run my baseball Red Wings, I told you I wanted a winner! Explain yourself!

DOMBROWSKI: Well, payroll is quite tight, sir, as you know. Gerald knows our staff, he’s right handed, he plays solid defense, and quite frankly, he’s willing to work cheap.

LAIRD: Shit yeah, I am. C’mon, Mikey Ill! Gimmie a beat!

/uncomfortable silence for 10 minutes

LAIRD: Dubba D! Give G-Money a beat!

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh.

/Dombrowski begins horrible beatboxing

LAIRD: Awwww, yeah! Uh. Yeah. Uh.

/continues saying "uh" for five minutes

LAIRD: Yeah. Uh huh. Now listen…

G-Money in da house
Comin’ back for round two
Like a bad case of herpes
After a drunk screw.

Smackin’ bitches left ‘n’ right
Like Eddie House’s wife
Just another fuckin’ day
In a thuggin’ catcher’s life.

/hits play on boombox

/chorus of “Take on Me” by a-ha plays

ILITCH: Jesus Christ…

LAIRD: Awww, shit. Here we go…

Won a ring with da Cards
Back in the D for more fun
Bringin’ all these phat beats
And I’ll hit one-eighty-one

Cuttin’ twenty percent of runners
Down like a huntin’ knife
Two thousand twelve in da D
Returns this thuggin’ catcher’s life.

/plays a-ha again

ILITCH: That didn’t even make any goddamn sense. Daniel?

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.

ILITCH: Whatever. As soon as I find your Venezuelan equivalent, your ass is fired. And I mean it this time. Until then, do not sign anymore of our ex-rejects to fill roster spots. Understood?

DOMBROWSKI: Uh oh…

/secretary buzzes in

SECRETARY: Mr. Dombrowski? Your two o’clock appointment is here to discuss taking over the empty rotation spot. I told him to go right in.

/door shoots open

JEREMY BONDERMAN: UH OHS. SOMEONE MADE A DOODIE IN MY UNDERPANTS.

ILITCH: I need a drink.

BONDMERMAN: IT MIGHTA BEEN ME…

Realistically Projecting the 2012 Tigers Roster

2011-11-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

I touched on this recently in regards to my opinion that Jose Reyes is not an option for the Tigers, but I thought I’d expand on it and throw my two cents in on the 2012 roster. Everyone else is doing it…why not Your Party Host? Let the rosterbation (TM Kurt Mensching) begin!

So let’s explore who’s in place, who is needed, and whether or not there’s any money out there to pay for them. We have a 25 man roster to fill. Let’s begin.

Catcher: Alex Avila (approx $500K)

First Base: Miguel Cabrera ($21 million)

Second Base: Vacant

Third Base: Brandon Inge ($5.5 million)

Shortstop: Jhonny Peralta ($5.5 million)

Left Field: Delmon Young (approx $6.3 million)

Center Field: Austin Jackson (approx $500K)

Right Field: Brennan Boesch (approx $500K)

Designated Hitter: Victor Martinez ($13 million)

Bench: Don Kelly (approx $800K)

Bench: Ryan Raburn ($2.1 million)

Bench: Vacant

Bench: Vacant

Starter: Justin Verlander ($20 million)

Starter: Rick Porcello (approx $4.2 million)

Starter: Max Scherzer (approx $3.9 million)

Starter: Doug Fister (approx $500K)

Starter: Vacant

Closer: Jose Valverde ($9 million)

Relief: Joaquin Benoit ($5.5 million)

Relief: Phil Coke (approx $1.3 million)

Relief: Ryan Perry (approx $500K)

Relief: Daniel Schlereth (approx $500K)

Relief: Al Alburquerque (approx. $500K)

Relief: David Pauley/Duane Below (approx 500K)

Okay. That’s 25 roster spots, 4 of which still need to be filled. Approximate numbers listed here are what MLB Trade Rumors has estimated the players’ salaries will be after arbitration or whatnot this offseason.

In the 21 spots filled here, Detroit’s payroll is already at around $102.1 million. Now we come to the dreaded deferred payments that players are still owed from prior contracts. They are as follows…

Magglio Ordonez: $3 million
Jose Valverde: $2 million
Gary Sheffield: $1.5 million
Ivan Rodriguez: $2 million

Yes, we still owe $8.5 million on these prior contracts that you don’t hear much about. So up the 2011 payroll to $110.6 million so far. Add in that Jacob Turner will be paid $1 million to likely begin the year in the minors, and we’re up to $111.6 million.

And by the way, the entire 2012 payroll was $107 million. Even if Mr. Ilitch ups the team payroll substantially, like say $15 more million, are you starting to see why the Tigers cannot afford a Jose Reyes or CJ Wilson without robbing Fort Knox this winter?

So what does Dave Dombrowski do now? The most important thing, in my opinion, is solving the problem of second base.

Second Base Options

1. Lots of reports suggest the Tigers are very interested in Atlanta’s Martin Prado, a solid second baseman and candidate to bat at the top of the order. There’s even a rumored trade in the works with Prado and Delmon Young being the principal players involved. That would be great since Prado will make around $4.4 million in 2012, close to $2 million less than Young. Even better, we wouldn’t be forced to watch DY waddle around left field for an entire season on defense. (Yes, I soured on him, despite his postseason homers.) Then, the Tigers have a little more room to get a Coco Crisp, Rick Ankiel, or David DeJesus type player to fill out the outfield. Pretty sure Josh Willingham will be too expensive. Anyway, I love the idea, but a Braves beat writer is saying it isn’t going to happen. We’ll see.

2. Danny Worth could be given the job at the league minimum of around $500K. No one other than Lynn Henning wants this to happen.

3. Ramon Santiago could be re-signed, but he wants to play full-time and will want a multi-year deal and over $3 million a season. Why do that when you already have a younger version of the same player in Worth? So, no.

4. Kelly Johnson is a Type A free agent. I doubt the Tigers would find it worth giving up a 1st round pick in order to sign Johnson.

5. Orlando Cabrera is 37 years old and I hate him.

6. Clint Barmes is 33, a Type B free agent, and has a lifetime OPS+ of 78. We might as well just start Don Kelly.

7. Adam Kennedy is 36 and shitty.

Solution: Pray for Prado. Do whatever it takes to get him before the Rockies do it. Otherwise, look for the team to overpay to keep Santiago for whatever reason. I miss Scott Sizemore. (EatapileofshitKurt.)

Next we move to the bench.

Bench Options

We have two bench spots to fill and they need to be cheap. One spot will probably be filled by Andy Dirks or Danny Worth. Why not both? Because they don’t want to kill Alex Avila, and Victor Martinez cannot be counted on to be the second catcher this year. So the other spot goes to a catcher outside the organization. Who’s available?

1. Ryan Doumit is a guy I would LOVE to have. Trouble is, I think he’s going to be out of our price range.

2. Kelly Shoppach seems to be everyone’s favorite choice and I’d be cool with that if Doumit isn’t able to be signed.

3. Jose Molina is 36, a Type B free agent, and the shittiest Molina. Pass.

4. Gerald Laird is still bad at baseball. The Tigers are rumored to be interested. If so, the Tigers are fucking dumb as shit.

5. Ramon Hernandez is 36, a Type A free agent, and will be too expensive.

6. Ivan Rodriguez…just kidding. He’s 40 and delusional. Let someone else make that mistake.

7. Omir Santos could be re-signed if the team really is in a payroll bind. We might as well let Leyland’s kid catch in that case.

Solution: I can see DD signing Laird just to piss me (and Grey) off. But probably Shoppach or Molina at around $2 million.

One spot left…the fifth starter.

Fifth Starter

Obviously, my dream candidate would be someone like Mark Buehrle, a left-handed proven starter that will eat innings and get the job done. But due to the money issues listed above, I don’t see this happening, especially with around ten teams interested in Buehrle’s services.

Internally, they could go the cheap route and go with some combo of Turner, Below, and/or the kids in Toledo. I hope not, for all our sakes. Turner isn’t ready. Neither is anyone else, in my opinion. Last year, I suggested the Tigers buy low on Brandon McCarthy. They didn’t listen, Oakland did, and Oakland enjoyed a great comeback year out of McCarthy while we got to “enjoy” Brad Penny for a season. What guys could be a cheap diamond in the rough this year?

1. Erik Bedard is great when healthy, but is healthy about as much as Joel Zumaya is.

2. Bruce Chen is a Type B free agent. He is also Bruce Chen, so I’d prefer to stay away from him.

3. Bartolo Colon is 39 and 450 pounds. No thanks.

4. Jeff Francis could be a cheap lefty option. He’s a finesse guy…in other words, he kinda sucks. But remember, we’re looking for a reasonably priced #5 guy. Not an ace.

5. Freddy Garcia is 36 and a Type B free agent. I’d be surprised to see the Yankees let him get away considering that he saved their rotation last year.

6. Rich Harden’s only 30? Too bad Dan Petry has a healthier arm nowadays.

7. Dontrelle Willis. Hahahahaha…

8. Kevin Millwood is 37 and awful.

Solution: Heck if I know. That’s why Dave is in charge. Francis is my choice if you can get him for less than $2 million, which is what he made in KC last year. He’ll at least keep the spot warm for Turner, once the kid is ready.

I understand these options aren’t as exciting as “OMG trade Rayburn and BINGE for David Wright LOLZ”, or “sign Reyes, Wilson, Beltran, Broxton, and Nathan since Ilitch is gonna die soon and doesn’t need the money”. Believe me, in a perfect world, I’d like to have another power bat, a legit leadoff man, and more help in the bullpen. But I’m trying to be realistic here, and not a mLunitic.

But there is one important thing to remember for the upcoming winter months. Dave Dombrowski has always been full of surprises. Why should this offseason be any different?

I Love Being Right

2011-11-15T17:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I said the following about Don Kelly receiving the first EVER Tigers' Tenth Man Award from the mysterious Detroit Baseball Society:

"I can only assume that the DBS is a fictional group concocted by the Detroit media to give their best friend Kelly even more unneeded press."

I received an anonymous tip that led me to this page. No, the DBS is not fictional. But how did they originally form? Let me save you the trouble of reading though it all.

The Detroit Baseball Dinner gave birth in 2003 to The Detroit Baseball Society, which is devoted to year-round activities and conviviality among those who love baseball in Detroit.

Detroit Baseball Dinner?

Conceived in 2001 by Detroit News sports writer Lynn Henning, The Detroit Baseball Dinner brings together local baseball fans – men and women alike -- team figures, media, and those with a deep appreciation for the game in an atmosphere heavy on festiveness and friendship.

You see?!? This is all that rat bastard Henning's fault! Of COURSE he started all this and now his best buddy Don Kelly is getting an award they CREATED JUST FOR HIM!

/pulls remaining six hairs out

I pray every night that I wake up a fan of a different team. It never happens. Dammit. Stupid Tigers fanbase making me want to kill everyone...

Oh, for the ten of you Tiger fans out there that aren't a nutjob, a real post will be up in the next 24 hours about the roster. I promise. Thanks...

I Am Surrounded By Crazy People

2011-11-14T19:23:00.001-05:00

I haven’t gotten angry in a while. My bad. This changes today.

The more time I spend reading other people’s opinions on the Detroit Tigers online, the more I realize that I (like Jack on “Lost”) am among you, yet I am not one of you.

Because I’m becoming more and more convinced that the majority of Tiger fans are escaped mental patients.

For instance, take a look at this man. What do you see?

I see a well below average hitting baseball player with an average glove and a willingness to play any position that has somehow fought his way onto a professional baseball club through hard work and a great attitude.

That or a pile of horseshit. But probably the first one. Yeah.

That’s not what others seem to see, though. I’ve sat by quietly while others say how “underrated” Kelly is. Some are calling him a “Playoff Hero”. I’ve seen some of our looniest friends suggest that he be handed the starting third base job based on his 2011 season. And now this…it’s everywhere, but let’s pull this from the News site.

Don Kelly, a versatile infielder/outfielder who rose to the occasion this past postseason, was named the winner of the inaugural Tigers' Tenth Man award, handed out Monday by the Detroit Baseball Society.

My yahoo search for the Detroit Baseball Society turned up only press reports for this Kelly award and nothing else. Thus, I can only assume that the DBS is a fictional group concocted by the Detroit media to give their best friend Kelly even more unneeded press. See that pro athletes? Smile and constantly be nice/available to reporters and they’ll treat you like the second coming of Babe Tittyfucking Ruth.

That or the DBS is savvy enough to realize that if I were to find and/or infiltrate their seedy organization (I hear Jerry Sandusky has ties there), I would destroy it in a heartbeat. With kerosene and fire. Lots of fire.

For crissakes…if you’re going to give out a meaningless award, give it to someone that deserves it. Not Don Kelly. Defend yourself, DBS President, Steve Clarfelt! My seven readers demand it!

"Don Kelly made such a contribution wherever he played," said Steve Clarfelt, president of The Detroit Baseball Society.

Indeed. SUCH a contribution. Hitting .230 is not an easy task, you know. Oh wait…yes it is. Did Raburn or Santiago decline the award? Go on, Steve…

"He always seemed to be hitting the big home run, or getting the key single or extra-base hit. His defensive work was sterling. And he was so versatile."

/Rogo's head explodes

FOR THE LAST MOTHERFUCKING TIME IN 2011…

Kelly hit .245/.291/.381.

Kelly’s OPS+ was 83. The average big league hitter’s OPS+ is 100. He is terrible at hitting, assholes.

With 2 outs and runners in scoring position, he hit .233. So quit talking about how fucking clutch he supposedly is.

Kelly’s defensive WAR was 0.0. Yeah, he’s a defensive wizard all right, you shitbrains. By the way, it’s time I finally clued you all in on something. That’s not a wizard’s hat. It’s a fucking dunce cap.

Kelly hit .222 in the ALCS. Some hero.

Fuck Don Kelly. Quit making him into something that he is not.

And while I’m on the subject…

Fuck Ramon Santiago, too.

You heard me. Look, I like Ramon. But I’m not going to cry if he goes away to hit .230 for Pittsburgh or somewhere else. So why are so many dingleberries online shitting their pants at the idea?

“Ramon deserves to start.” “Ramon is a decent hitter and an awesome fielder.” “Ramon really came on strong when they let him be the starter at the end of the year.”

Fuck you.

Ramon Santiago has almost 2,100 Major League plate appearances at this point over 10 seasons. In that time he has a .249 average and an OPS+ of 78. He SUCKS AT HITTING! Quit imagining things that aren’t there, people! My God! What kind of drugs are you people on when you THINK you are watching baseball? That’s Robinson Cano on your TV, you asshole! Not Ramon Santiago! There’s a difference!

After August 1st, he hit .279 for Detroit. That’s great. But I’m not about to hand the guy the job based on two months when he has ten FUCKING YEARS of dogshit hitting as proof that he is NOT the answer at second base. Santiago, like Kelly, is a utility player, nothing more. Quit looking for something that isn’t there.

This isn’t the movie “Rudy”, people. It’s not “Rocky”, either. And it’s surely not that assbag Tebow in Denver lucking his way into a couple wins.

This is real life. And I get that many enjoy the underdog story and want to see it play out in real life. But enough’s enough, dammit. If your ideal Detroit Tigers infield would look like this:

1B: Don Kelly
2B: Will Rhymes
SS: Ramon Santiago
3B: Brandon Inge

…then do three things for me.

1. Never come to this site again.
2. Sit in a bathtub with a toaster.
3. Plug that sumbitch in.

There.

I feel slightly better. Now if anyone has any SANE answers for second or third base in 2012, I would be happy to hear them.

Gr8: #3 Justin Verlander, Human Cyborg

2011-11-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Gr8: #4 Jose Valverde, Perfecto

2011-11-09T18:35:00.000-05:00

Gr8: #5 Doug Fister, The Steal From Seattle

2011-11-06T00:28:00.000-04:00

Gonzalez Beats Cabrera for Silver Slugger. What? What?

2011-11-03T12:26:00.001-04:00

SILVER SLUGGER VOTER: No, no…I just want you to know…I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so messed up with us and Mr. Cabrera. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never…

/man on couch gets shot

JULES: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Miguel Cabrera look like?

SS VOTER: What?

JULES: What country are you from?

SS VOTER: What? What? Wh…

JULES: “What” ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in “What”?

SS VOTER: What?

JULES: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

SS VOTER: Yes! Yes!

JULES: Then you know what I'm sayin'!

SS VOTER: Yes!

JULES: Describe what Miguel Cabrera looks like!

SS VOTER: What?

JULES: Say “what” again. Say “what” again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say “what” one more Goddamn time!

SS VOTER: He... he's Latino...

JULES: Go on...

SS VOTER: He's got dark hair…

JULES: Does he look like a bitch?

SS VOTER: What?

/Jules shoots SS Voter in the shoulder

JULES: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

SS VOTER: No!

JULES: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch?

SS VOTER: I didn't...

JULES: Yes you did. Yes you did! You tried to fuck him. And Miguel Cabrera don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Cabrera.
----------------------------
…and so on.

So the voting for the Silver Slugger awards came out. And the AL winner for first base was Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox. Supposedly, the voting is done by coaches and managers around the league. But this kind of horseshit is the stuff you expect from the fan voting in All-Star games. Gotta represent Woodhead Pedroia Larry Fackin’ Bird Nation to the fullest, you know?

Take a look at the numbers, for crissakes.

Batting Average
Cabrera: .344
Gonzalez: .338

OBP
Cabrera: .448
Gonzalez: .410

SLG
Cabrera: .586
Gonzalez: .548

OPS
Cabrera: 1.033
Gonzalez: .957

Home Runs
Cabrera: 30
Gonzalez: 27

OPS+
Cabrera: 181
Gonzalez: 155

Offensive WAR
Cabrera: 7.8
Gonzalez: 5.5

In fact, the only two major offensive categories that one might look at when voting for a Silver Slugger winner that Gonzo did better than Mig in are hits (213 vs 197) and RBI (117 vs 105). And yes, I know that RBI is more depending on the guys in front of you getting on base. But baseball people don’t understand that because they’re old and stupid.

So why did Gonzalez win the award over Cabrera? I mean, if hits and RBI are that important, then Victor Martinez should have beat out David Ortiz as the DH winner. V-Mart had more hits (178 vs 162) and RBI (103 vs 96) than Papi. So that can’t be it.

No, it’s just the same Sawx bullshit bias that has overtaken the coverage of our sport. It’s the same reason why Jacoby Ellsbury gets a Gold Glove and the defensively superior Austin Jackson gets jack and shit. And everyone that is capable of looking at it objectively (outside of ESPN or Bawston) knows it.

So is it worth getting worked up over? Probably not. The general reaction I read nowadays is that Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves are worthless in today’s world. The voting is all bullshit. But why do we just all accept that? Why don’t we demand better out of the award voters in the first place?

And how would we go about such a thing? I’m not quite sure. I’m just a potty-mouthed idiot with a blog. But I think getting my man Jules on the case might be a good start.

If Ellsbury wins the MVP, I’m grabbing Vincent, Jules, and The Wolf and I’m going on a fucking rampage.

On the Next American Pickers...

2011-10-31T20:02:00.000-04:00

VOICEOVER: I'm Mike Wolfe. And I'm Frank Fritz, and we're pickers. We travel the back roads of America looking for rusty gold. We're looking for amazing things buried in people's garages and barns. What most people see as junk, we see as dollar signs. We'll buy anything we think we can make a buck on. Each item we pick has a history all its own and the people we meet are a breed all their own. We make a living telling the history of America...one piece at a time.

MIKE: Beautiful day, isn’t it Frankie? Nothing I’d rather be doing today than driving around doing some freestyling. No telling what we’ll come up with today!

FRANK: You said it.

/phone rings

FRANK: It’s Danielle. Hope she has a lead for us.

MIKE: I’m amazed she’s awake. Hahaha…

FRANK: Yello!

DANIELLE: Hey, guys. I just got a call from a guy named Scott that’s right around where you guys are driving today. He says he’s got a whole barn full of junk that you guys might be interested in. I just sent you directions to his place. Thank me later.

FRANK: You’re the best, Danni!

MIKE: Sweet. Let’s go!

/ten minutes later

FRANK: Wow! There’s GOTTA be something in there that’s up our alley. Hope this “Scott” guy is willing to sell.

/knocks on front door

MIKE: Hello! Scott? I think you talked to Danielle today? She said you might have some things for sale. Can we take a look around?

SCOTT BORAS: You best your ass you can. I’ve got some AMAZING things for you guys. C’mon to the barn, okay?

/inside barn

MIKE: Wow! There’s a lot of stuff in here! Some of this looks really old.

BORAS: Yeah, but they’re all classics. And all for sale.

FRANK: That’s what we like to hear. Let’s go, Mike. Start digging through some of this stuff with me.

MIKE: Way ahead of you, partner…take a look at this! Remember when these were cool?

MIKE: (aside to camera) Johnny Damon was a 2-time All Star and also a 2-time World Series winner. He has over 2700 hits in his career, good enough for 57th all-time. He’s famous for leading and giving the 2004 Boston Red Sox their “Idiots” nickname. His wife is kind of a bitch, though. These Damons aren’t as popular with collectors as they used to be, but I’m still interested as there remains a small market for these little guys.

BORAS: I see you found my Damon. Quality craftsmanship in those things.

MIKE: Is this something you might sell?

BORAS: Sure thing. How about $21 million over three years?

MIKE: Yikes! I was thinking fifty bucks.

BORAS: Are you nuts? That’s a walking piece of history right there. He’s gonna get 3000 hits, you know? Eventually. Fine. $18 milllion over two years. Deal?

MIKE: Sorry, Scott. I’m gonna have to pass on that right now. The defense is missing and it doesn’t look like it is running at full speed anymore. That price is a bit rich for my blood.

FRANK: Hey, Scott! How about this? Would you sell this thing?

BORAS: Of course!

FRANK: (aside to camera) Bruce Chen is a pitcher of Chinese descent, yet he was made in Panama. If that wasn’t rare enough, he’s a Major League pitcher whose fastball tops out around 85 miles per hour. You don’t see that every day. I’m hoping Scott will let this go at a decent price just because I’ve never seen one of these before…I’ve just read about them.

BORAS: Quality piece you found there, Frank. Especially if you’re going to face the Tigers, for some reason. I’ll tell you what. $12 million over three years. That’s a bargain!

FRANK: (aside to camera) Is this guy on crack?

BORAS: What do you say?

FRANK: Dude, I’ll give you a hundred bucks and haul it away myself. Deal?

BORAS: $10 million over two.

FRANK: Meet me somewhere in the middle, man. Let’s be fair.

BORAS: One year, $6 million.

FRANK: I’m gonna pass. It kinda smells bad, anyway. I think your Carlos Beltran soiled himself next to it.

MIKE: Look what I found in this pile of Gerald Lairds and JD Drews!

BORAS: That’s a great one, there.

MIKE: (aside to camera) In its time, the Pudge Rodriguez was the cream of the crop for the catching position. It provided Gold Glove defense, a .300 bat, and intense leadership. Nowadays, not so much. This piece is old and covered in rust, but I’m hoping to finally break the ice with Scott on this one. It would look GREAT in our shop and might fetch a pretty penny to the right collector.

BORAS: Yup. That’s a beauty. How about $22 million over three years? And he gets to play every day.

MIKE: C’mon, Scotty. Work with me here. The knees look shot on this thing and I doubt it even knows where it is. This would be a good decoration piece, but not to use every day. I mean, just look.

/tosses a baseball underhand

/Rodriguez swings and misses…blames manager

MIKE: Hundred bucks. Cash money.

BORAS: Guys, it’s like we’re speaking a different language here. What a shame.

FRANK: (aside to camera) At this point, it looks like we’re wasting our time here. Danielle’s usually really good about these things, but Scott either just is having a hard time letting go of some of this stuff or he’s a crazy person. It’s time for us to go.

MIKE: Well, Scott, thanks for letting us take a look around, at least. A lot of this stuff you have here was great back in the day.

SCOTT: Yeah, well I’m of the opinion that most of it is still useful to the right buyer. Probably the Orioles or Rays. Too bad you guys are so cheap.

FRANK: Well, take care and…

MIKE: Oh my gawd! Frankie, help me with this! This was my favorite back in the day!

MIKE: (aside to camera) The Magglio Ordonez was a thing of beauty back in its prime. He would spray balls all over the ballpark, play solid D, and ALWAYS came through in the clutch. The Magglio is something that every kid that had one wishes he still had around.

BORAS: Two years, $20 million. And that’s a steal.

MIKE: Scott, one of the legs is missing. And this one looks weaker than a newborn.

/places baseball on tee ten times

/Ordonez weakly grounds all ten to shortstop

MIKE: Ten bucks.

BORAS: We’ll see what the Orioles say about that.

FRANK: Sorry we couldn't make any deals, Scott. But thanks for showing us around. Take care.

/Mike and Frank get back in van

FRANK: Well, back on the road we go. Hopefully Danielle comes up with another place for us before nightfall hits and…

/van screeches to a halt as a man jumps in front of it

GARY SHEFFIELD: Hey, farm boys! Where the hell you goin’? You ain’t gonna take a look at Sheff? Sheff can still go, son! Sheff’s ready to be your cleanup hitter, man! Two years, $9 million! Sheff’s GIVIN’ it away at that price! Get me outta here, man! C’mon, guys! Sheff’s yo missing piece!

MIKE: Floor it Frankie!

/van speeds off

SHEFFIELD: Screw you bitches! Sheff don’t need you! Sheff’s a star, son! A star! Scott! Tampa Bay call you yet? Sheff needs a job, bitch!

BORAS: Get back in the damn barn, Gary. That Millwood in the back is still broken. And apparently, the Beltran shit all over the place again. Go clean it up.

SHEFFIELD: Man…Sheff needs a new agent…wait, didn't I fire you? Dammit, Sheff can't remember...shit.

Gr8: #6 Victor Martinez, Professional Hitter

2011-10-31T12:23:00.000-04:00

Jose Reyes to Detroit? Get Real.

2011-10-28T12:56:00.000-04:00

With the holiday season approaching, I keep reading and hearing from Tiger fans with visions of Jose Reyes-to-Detroit dancing in their heads.

I hate to break it to you, but this is ridiculous and would cripple the Tigers ballclub in upcoming seasons, in my opinion.

“But Magglio and Carlos are coming off payroll”, they say. Sure, the Venezuelan ER unit will be gone, but people are forgetting that a sizable portion of the team is due raises this year and in upcoming seasons. And with Justin Verlander and Miguel Cabrera already in the $20 million range, there is NO WAY a team in a market like Detroit’s can afford another guy with that price tag.

Keep in mind, I’m no financial expert when it comes to running a baseball team, by any means. But I think I’m pretty close to being on the mark with the following.

Take a look.

2012 Contracts

Miguel Cabrera: $21 million
Justin Verlander: $20 million
Victor Martinez: $13 million
Jose Valverde: $9 million
Joaquin Benoit: $5.5 million
Brandon Inge: $5.5 million
Jhonny Peralta: $5.5 million
Ryan Raburn: $2.1 million
Jacob Turner: Around $1 million

Okay. We’re already at $82.6 million and we’ve only covered 9 players. And one of them (Turner), may not even make the Opening Day roster. The 2011 team payroll was around $107 million. Sure, Mr. Ilitch will probably increase that number, but he’s a businessman first. He can’t allow his team to operate in the red like the Dodgers did this year. The man wants to win, but I can’t see the Tigers increasing that number to something silly like $140 million. I think $125 million has to be the cap. We aren't the Yanks or Sawx.

Now we enter the group of guys that are due raises. The following are estimates on what they’ll receive via MLB Trade Rumors.

Delmon Young: $6.3 million (yes, they’ll likely re-sign him)
Rick Porcello: $4.2 million
Max Scherzer: $3.9 million
Phil Coke: $1.3 million
Don Kelly: $800K

Brad Thomas is also eligible, but I’m fairly confident that they’ll tell him to go fuck a diseased koala and be done with him. So, that’s another $16.5 million on the books. Our total has now hit $99.1 million. Now we add in the following cost-controlled young guys at somewhere around $500K each.

Austin Jackson
Doug Fister
Alex Avila
Brennan Boesch
Ryan Perry
Daniel Schlereth
David Pauley
Al Alburquerque
Andy Dirks
Duane Below

That’s another $5 million, pushing us to $104.1 million, approximately. And SHIT! I forgot Dombrowski’s yearly donation of $1 million to his favorite charity: Joel Zumaya. If you add Reyes, who is going to be aggressively seeking somewhere around 5 years/$100 million, we’re up to $125 million(ish) and we still haven’t addressed adding another starter, catching depth, bullpen help, and maybe a third baseman.

Also, if you add Reyes, what happens to Peralta? Does he go to third where he pouted and got fat in Cleveland? Move him to second where he’s never played?

Another thing to consider, if the team goes nuts and signs Reyes: In the next few years, Jackson, Fister, Avila, and Boesch will all be due HEFTY raises. With three $20 million players already on the roster, where will that money come from? We’ll have a handful of good players and a bunch of minimum wage Don Kellys around them. Our farm system isn’t exactly packed with impact rookies looking to make debuts in the coming years, outside of Nick Castellanos in 2014 or so.

Also, keep in mind, Jim Leyland, Dave Dombrowski, the coaches and medical staff, and that opera singing jackoff hot dog vendor and his co-workers all need to get paid, too. We’re also paying Gary Sheffield deferred payments of $1-$2 million per season for another couple years.

There simply isn’t money there for Jose Reyes, kids. I’m sorry.

Plus the bastard will probably get hurt, if you follow his history. Who plays then since we can’t afford bench help? Cale Iorg? Good gawd, no. Add in the risk of the NL-to-AL hitting adjustment and I’m not a big fan of the idea, overall.

Reyes is not an option. If the Tigers go after a free agent middle infielder, expect it to be someone like Aaron Hill, Kelly Johnson, Jamey Carroll, or re-signing Ramon Santiago. Maybe see if you can get one of them, a better-than-Penny fifth starter, a veteran backup catcher, and 2 years of Aramis Ramirez for the amount of money you’d give to a Jose Reyes. Then, go find a seventh inning guy.

Is that a sexy idea? No. But it’s much more realistic, a word that many Tiger fans just don’t seem to understand.

Gr8: #7 Joaquin Benoit, Set Up Man-Beast

2011-10-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

Gr8: #8 Jhonny Peralta, Career Reborn

2011-10-24T21:18:00.000-04:00

But in 2011, Peralta showed up to spring training in great shape in order to be the Opening Day shortstop for the Tigers. And it paid off. At the age of 29, his career was seemingly reborn.

His .299 batting average was a career high. 21 homers were his most since 2008, as were his 86 RBI. His .345 OPP and .478 slugging percentage were each the second best numbers of his career, only trailing his breakthrough 2005 campaign totals. And though he struck out 95 times, it was the lowest total of his seven full seasons in the bigs.

Even more surprising was his defense. Unhappily moved to third base in Cleveland, the Tigers decided to put JP back at shortstop, his preferred position. We were all told that his range was terrible, and though it wasn’t Omar Vizquel-esque out there, Jhonny more than held up his end of the bargain in 2011. He was 4th in the AL in putouts, 2nd in fielding percentage (to JJ Hardy), and only committed 7 errors all year in 608 chances. His fielding WAR was the best of his career.

And he came out swinging. In the first half, he hit .312 with 14 homers, enough to make the All-Star team. He tailed off a bit as the season wore on, but not enough to hurt the ballclub down the stretch. He even hit 2 homers in the ALCS against the Rangers. Sadly, they were both solo shots.

Yes, the solo homer. That was Jhonny’s calling card this year. For whatever reason, 16 of his 21 dingers were of the solo variety. But he wasn’t a slouch with runners on base, either. He hit .307 with runners in scoring position, and .380 with RISP and 2 outs.

The scary thing, for opposing teams, is that there’s room for improvement. Peralta only hit .240 against left-handed pitching in 2011 (compared to .312 vs. righties). If he can improve against southpaws and stay in shape, there’s little reason to think that Jhonny Peralta won’t be an All-Star again in 2012.

So overall, Jhonny makes this list for doing something that I never expected. He brought his career back from the dead. He made shortstop a position to be admired in Detroit again. And I think it’s safe to assume that without him in this lineup every day, the Tigers would not have won nearly as many games as they did in 2011.

Whell dhone, Jhonny.

ALCS Loss Causes Freep Writer to Go Insane

2011-10-21T23:43:00.000-04:00

John Lowe of the Detroit Free Press has lost his mind.

I know that with the Tigers eliminated and their season over, article topics may be hard to come by for these men that are used to covering the team every day. No more upcoming games, no more quotes to dissect, and no more lineup speculation. Your Party Host, too, has had little to say or write about the past few days since the team was eliminated and our World Series dreams were crushed by a superior Rangers team.

But Lowe’s latest piece suggests that the ALCS might have turned out differently if Texas had more right-handed starters, which would have let Don Kelly play more.

I’ve let all of the Kelly articles slide for a while now, everyone. I’ve tried my best. But this is beyond stupid. Look, Detroit reporters. I understand that Don Kelly is a nice man and is endless with his time and politeness with you. But enough is enough. Quit trying to make a guy that is an average utility option into Alan Trammell with your words. It is an insult to your readers and it’s really starting to piss me off.

The article after the jump…with my responses.

In the days and weeks before the American League Championship Series,

When the Tigers were playing pitching-starved non-contenders Cleveland, Baltimore, Oakland, and Kansas City…

Don Kelly had attained a groove that for a hitter comes perhaps once a season. He was "on everything" -- few if any pitches were fooling him, and he was hitting many balls hard.

In September, Kelly hit .321. Nice, especially for him, despite the small sample size of 53 at bats, but not earth-shattering. And in those 53 at bats against the worst pitching the AL has to offer, he had exactly 7 extra base hits (3 doubles, 1 triple, 3 homers). Again, good for Don Kelly, but he wasn’t exactly Miguel Cabrera at the plate, as your words seem to suggest. He wasn't even Asdrubal Cabrera. Maybe Melky.

Kelly, a part-time player,

But NUMBER ONE in the hearts of Detroit sportswriters due to him leading the team in:

1. Smiles.
2. Politeness to sportswriters
3. ~~Whiteness~~ Being scrappy (actually 2nd to Rhymes).

started Games 4 and 5 in the first-round series. After Yankees centerfielder Curtis Granderson robbed him of the game-breaking shot in Game 4,

What everyone and their brother has seemingly forgotten/overlooked about that play was that it was a routine line drive hit RIGHT AT where Granderson was playing. Curtis initially came in on the ball and had to regroup on it, making it look like a much harder play than it actually was. So Kelly can thank Grandy for initially screwing up for all the publicity he’s gotten for his “almost” extra base that game. The only thing close to “robbery” on that play was CJ almost robbing the Yankees of a routine out.

Kelly opened the scoring in the decisive Game 5 with a first-inning home run.

I remember. My phone nearly exploded from all the texts I got mocking me, as if one home run erased over 600 at bats of suck from happening before it. Gotta love the dreaded “sun shining on a dog’s ass” play that happens three times or so a year.

Although he was unquestionably hot, Kelly had only nine at-bats in the six-game ALCS.

And he got two hits for a .222 average. Thank goodness he didn’t play more.

Texas left-handers started five of the six games, and the left-handed-hitting Kelly never started against a left-hander this season. He was 4-for-21 against them in the regular season.

For a .190 average. Sounds about right.

Kelly's only start in the Texas series came against right-hander Colby Lewis in Game 3. In the other four games against Texas that were close, Kelly entered in the fifth inning or later.

Newsflash: Don Kelly is a UTILITY PLAYER. He gets in the game to play late-inning defense. John Lowe did not get this memo.

Could Kelly have made a difference if the Rangers had more right-handed starters?

No. No. A thousand times, FUCK and NO.

Don Kelly has had 626 professional plate appearances in the major leagues in the regular season over four years. In that time, he has a line of .240/.285/.381 (Avg/OBP/Slg). His OPS+ is 74 over that time (100 is an average big leaguer). Even if you only look at him against right-handed pitching, he's only a .246/.292/380 hitter. You don’t have to be a saber nerd to know that Don Kelly is not a good hitting baseball player. He’s a utility guy, nothing more, and will remain that way for the rest of his career.

Even in 2011, his (by far) best MLB season, he hit .245/.291/.381 (all career highs) with an OPS+ of 83. That is awful. But Kelly’s not there for his bat, despite where Jim Leyland bats his special little buddy. Kelly’s a super utility guy there to play defense and give the starters a day off.

To suggest that he could have been the offensive difference against a playoff team like Texas IF they had more right-handers is so beyond ludicrous that I had to double check that I hadn’t accidently stumbled onto a mentally handicapped 8 year old’s submission to Bleacher Report. Fuck you with a nightstick, John Lowe.

In the ALCS, Kelly went 1-for-4 off left-handed relievers (2-for-9 overall). The hit off the left-hander almost drove in the tie-breaking run from first base. He ripped a ninth-inning double off hard-throwing Michael Gonzalez in the top of the ninth inning of Game 2.

Seriously, has anyone reading this ever seen a lifetime .240 hitting bench player get more positive press than Don Kelly? Who does Jhonny Peralta or Joaquin Benoit have to blow to get a third of this coverage? Why can’t they get more of these glowing pieces from the Detroit media?

/examines numbers 1 through 3 in criteria listed earlier

Oh. Go on, Mr. Lowe.

Kelly's hit into the corner caromed directly to rightfielder Nelson Cruz. He hit it hard, but third-base coach Gene Lamont wisely stopped Ramon Santiago at third, especially given Miguel Cabrera was on deck.

Yeah, that ended well. Thanks for the reminder.

Kelly hit a lot of balls hard toward the end. In September, he batted .321 with three of his seven homers and 12 of his 28 RBIs.

Those three homers came off of Brad Bergesen of the Orioles, Kelvin Herrera of the Royals, and Trevor Cahill of the A’s. Not exactly playoff stud quality. But please continue with your idiotic verbal blowjob of DK…

None of those Texas left-handers beat the Tigers in the playoffs. But they might have helped win a game or two because they kept Kelly out of the lineup.

There’s a LOT of possible things that could be said about the ALCS in the woulda/coulda variety. But that one right there is up there with “The Tigers could have won if Daniel Schlereth pitched more” and “Maybe Brad Penny should have started Game One” as the fucking stupidest ones imaginable.

Yes, Texas was shaking in their boots over the idea of Don Kelly batting against them. Friends, I’ve read a lot of stupid things over the years. And I’ve spent more time poking fun of these absurd sports articles than I care to admit.

But that last sentence is so stupid, so illogical, and so insulting to the intelligence to anyone that has ever watched a baseball game for more than three minutes that I am fighting every urge in my body to drive to Detroit and beat John Lowe to death with a claw hammer.

Don Kelly is a very nice man. And he’s a capable utility player. But he is not, and never will be, a difference maker on offense over an entire playoff series.

I’ve never had a problem with Lowe’s work, to my recollection, before this. I’ve always considered him pretty harmless. But this kind of absurd nonsense makes me think he should be out on the street fighting seagulls and the Eat ‘Em Up Tigers guy for discarded French fries, rather than being a Tiger sportswriter for the largest newspaper in Detroit.

Season's Over. What Else Is On?

2011-10-18T20:03:00.000-04:00

So baseball season is over. Sure, there’s a silly World Series going on, but do you really expect me to watch a matchup between the guys that just eliminated the Tigers and the team that beat Detroit in the ’06 World Series? I’d rather watch my cat get euthanized.

So what do we do now? Spring Training is a long time away. Four months is like…a year from now, you know? Sure, there’s the Winter Meetings, free agency, arbitration, etc, etc, zzzzz…but out of all that, you get like three newsworthy days and a bunch of B.S. speculation in between. Speaking of which, those of you that think the Tigers are going to sign Jose Reyes are crazier than Jim Leyland bringing in Schlereth with the bases loaded. If they do, I’ll start a Don Kelly Fan Club.

Yes, it’s this time of the year that we are forced to seek other forms of sports as entertainment while baseball is away. And today, I thought I’d take a look at our other options available until pitchers and catchers report…and why none of them are decent enough alternatives to my favorite sport of baseball.

NFL

Yes, the NFL. America’s true national pastime, nowadays. Sure, I enjoy my football, but not as much as the rest of America seems to. I think ESPN and the other networks have helped to deaden my love of the game with their constant ridiculous coverage of every inane thing happens on and off the football field. “Tom Brady cut his hair!” “Tony Romo screwed up again, LOLZ!” “Big Ben leads the league in rapes!” I don’t care. “Handshake-gate” between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz is the latest “who gives a fuck” moment that just WON’T DIE. Quick, someone ask Brett Favre what he thinks about it!

And sure, he NFL is a fun distraction on Sundays, but in my profession of bar management, it brings in the dregs of society acting at their worst. Groups of ignorant, front-running Steeler and Packer fans screaming over every two yard gain like drunk 17 year olds on Spring Break is killing any love I have for the sport. Well, them and the wit of Peter King and Tony Dungy on NBC. They make Terry Bradshaw seem intelligent.

And for the first time in over a decade, I’m not playing fantasy football this year. The commissioner of the league I always do kinda ruined the league for me with silly scoring, new members that I despise, and a ridiculous entry fee. Attempts to start a new league this year were ruined by most of my friends being low-rent asshats. So, the one thing I had to enjoy about the NFL season while my team was on bye or down twenty points at halftime is no longer there for me. Screw football…it’s overrated.

I Root For: Chicago Bears

When I first got into the NFL, the ’85 Bears were the greatest thing in the world. Walter Payton and Jim McMahon were the coolest people that 8 year old Rogo had ever seen. I can still remember telling my mother that I wanted to spike my hair, wear goofy sunglasses, and sport a headband. I also remember her response of throwing a half-empty beer can at me and telling me that I was a mistake that had ruined her life. Good times…

Despite somehow making the NFC Championship Game last year, the Bears are a .500 team most years and the only unsure aspect of their season this year is if quarterback Jay Cutler’s season will end in diabetes costing him his foot or his terrible offensive line costing him his life.

College Football

I don’t get you people that get so crazy rooting for a school that you were most likely too stupid to go to. Sure, I root for my team, too, but I’m pretty low key about it. I’ve seen more fights start over NCAA football than all the other sports combined. And nine times out of ten, it’s OSU/Michigan drunken mouth-breathers.

During one such game, tables were tipped over being used as forts while people threw bottles at each other. Once, a Texas fan started a brawl that ended with my 95 pound female bartender taking a glass to the face leaving her permanently scarred. Over college effing football. Blows my mind.

Plus, with the idiotic BCS ranking system, approximately five teams are in the running for the championship every year. Every school (except mine) runs a dirty program. Lee Corso does the same tired schtick of wearing a dumb mascot head every week. And basically, the only reason college football exists is so Vegas and bookies all over America can make money.

I Root For: Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Yeah, I know. If there was one team of mine that I wish I didn’t like, it’s the Irish. People call them the Yankees of college sports, but that’s ridiculous. The Yankees actually win. I do think their “higher than thou” attitude and the way the media fawns over them is ridiculous, but you can’t help who your team is. That stuff is decided early in life and there’s NO going back when you’re an adult. Otherwise, you’re a bad fan and should be beaten to death with a shovel. It’s the Fan Code rules.

All my friends in school when I was a kid were all into the Ohio State/Michigan nonsense and were always bugging me to choose a side. Reluctantly, I chose Michigan just to get people to leave me alone. They had cooler team colors. Then, I saw Rocket Ismail play for the first time and I was a Golden Domer for life. As an additional bonus, I get to root against OSU and Michigan every week. I enjoy pissing off as many people around me as possible. On a related note, I have few friends…

NBA

Well, this might not be an option this year with the lockout they’re having. The most amusing part of said lockout to me is the fact that no one gives a damn about it. The NFL threatened a strike and the country was up in arms. No NBA and no one even notices. That’s how far the game has declined in the past decade or so.

I think I grew up in the best time ever to watch the NBA. Magic, Michael, Bird, Hakeem, Malone, Barkley, Wilkins, and so on. Today’s game has Kobe, LeBron, and a bunch of schmucks that couldn’t sink a free throw if their lives depended on it. They travel on every possession. I know I sound like the old white guys that I usually mock here, but the NBA isn’t the same game as the one I grew up on and my interest in it isn’t half of what it used to be. And judging by the lockout, I’m not the only one.

I Root For: Chicago Bulls

My friends were all into the Bad Boys Pistons when I first started watching the NBA in the late ‘80’s. And the hopeless follower that I was, I joined them at first. I loved Joe Dumars, James Edwards, Vinnie Johnson, and Dennis Rodman. But the more I watched those Pistons, the more I grew to despise them due to two players: Isiah Thomas and Bill Laimbeer. Here I was rooting for Detroit, which felt nice since I adored the Tigers, but I couldn’t stand how dirty Thomas and Laimbeer were. Along with John Stockton, they were the dirtiest players I ever saw. Drove me nuts, and though my friends thought it was great to root for the cheaters, I turned my allegiance to their chief rivals at the time, the Bulls…again, just to be a dick to my friends.

Of course, they had Michael Jordan, which made the transition easier. But it was the hard working and underappreciated supporting cast of Horace Grant, Bill Cartwright, Scottie Pippen, and especially sharpshooter John Paxson that won me over to the Bulls team. And a year after I had my first badass Bulls Starter coat, they began their impressive run of championships. It was great timing on my part, although my dickhole friends all accused me of being a bandwagoner, even though they knew the real truth. Jerks. I’m glad their bodies were never found…

The other joy I got out of being a Bulls fan was the constant supply of big, uncoordinated, slow, terrible white centers they had. Will Perdue, Luc Longley, and Bill Wennington stick out in my mind. The reason? That was me when I tried to play. I was tall, so everyone wanted me to play basketball. Meanwhile, I was the drizzling shits. My average line in a game was something like 5 minutes, 0 points, 2 rebounds, and 5 fouls. I was that guy. In fact, my group of pickup basketball friends used to call me “Bear” for my tendency to maul anyone that was dumb enough to drive the lane on my goofy ass. Seeing “my kind” on the court being ignored by Jordan made me smile.

NCAA Basketball

What a long, boring season this is. Full of games that don’t mean a damn thing. This sport is pointless until March when it becomes EFFING AWESOME. Any nose-picking jackoff immediately becomes a basketball expert once that tournament bracket comes out. Holy hell, I turn into Digger Phelps, despite not having watched one game all year. Of COURSE Old Dominion’s going to win in an upset, you moron!

/Old Dominion loses by 58

Shit.

I Root For: No one.

I’d feel foolish saying I have a favorite team when I don’t watch any regular season games. Gun to my head, I guess it would be the Irish, but that’s only because of my love of their stupid football team. But if you are a Duke fan, you are an insufferable prick. That’s just a given in life.

NHL

I’ve tried to get into hockey. I really have. But I last about a week and then forget about it until I’ll hear that Todd Bertuzzi attempted to murder someone again and I’m reminded that the season’s still going on. Playoff hockey’s cool, though. I can get into that. But 80+ games of trying to root for players with fifteen letters in their last names (twelve of them vowels) is just too much for me. Sorry.

My favorite time in hockey was 1994 when the Rangers broke their “curse” and beat Vancouver to win the Stanley Cup. I was really into Mark Messier at the time. But that was also the year I discovered Pavel Bure and decided he was the coolest player in sports not named Higginson. Dude was amazing on the ice and later banged Anna Kournikova behind Sergei Fedorov’s back. Nice.

I Root For: Colorado Avalanche

Quite simply, Red Wing fans make me want to choke a newborn. When it comes to being loud, rude, ignorant, and front-running assholes, Wings fans are second only to Steeler fans in professional sports. Again, this comes from me working in bars MUCH longer than any human should. I know you’re not all bad…don’t go throwing a dead eight-legged water creature at my house. But they say one bad apple ruins a bunch. Well, dozens of bad apples make me want to burn down every Granny Smith tree I ever come across.

So, I root for the Avs. Just to piss off Wings fans. Also, your famous ex-captain that you all love so much? His secretary is/was a bitch. I almost threw her and her friends out a couple years ago when they came into my bar with the Stanley Cup and acted like they were better than everyone. Obnoxious twat. I also told that “Keeper of the Cup” guy to go fuck himself. That was fun.

UFC

We’re constantly reminded that UFC is the new fastest growing sport, but it just doesn’t do it for me. Two sweaty, shirtless dudes laying on each other for WAY too long until one lands a lucky punch isn’t my cup of tea, I guess. I respect the hell out of the guys and wouldn’t want to accidently spill my drink on Chuck Liddell’s Affliction shirt, but it’s just not my thing. Plus, the hardcore UFC fans all look like roided up date rapists.

I Root For: Brock Lesnar

Brock’s a beast and he uses some of his ex-WWE personality to rile up the fans. I enjoy that. Personality goes a long way with me in my athletes since most of them in every sport are so boring. That’s why I root for Phil Coke despite him not being very good. The guy makes me laugh. And Brock Lesnar makes me laugh either by taunting the UFC crowds or beating some poor dude to death in 30 seconds.

Pro Wrestling

“Durrr, it’s FAKE!” No shit. But anyone that doesn’t think that the majority of pro wrestlers aren’t talented as hell athletes is an ignorant ass. But the WWE of today isn’t the same as the glory days of the late ‘90’s with The Rock, Steve Austin, and the Attitude Era. No, it’s more geared to kids now and written by mostly ex-soap opera writers creating a boring, predictable, stale product.

I enjoyed Hulk Hogan as a kid. I got into the storylines and crazy spots of the late 90’s. But today, I’d rather watch a dog lick his balls than watch John Cena badly act his way through a promo written by an ex “Days of Our Lives” writer. It's not a good sign when one of the only tolerable active wrestlers is The Miz, a guy that's most famous for being on "The Real World".

I Root For: I don’t watch as much anymore, but when I do, I get into CM Punk. He’s a lifetime fan of pro wrestling and wants to change how the business is presented. Sadly, as long as Vince McMahon is in charge, it’s going to remain a silly circus product geared toward the booger-eaters of our society. Don’t believe me? Go to a WWE event. Eighty percent of the crowd looks like they starred in “Deliverance”.

NASCAR

Speaking of “Deliverance”…

I hate NASCAR. Forty rednecks driving 500 miles in a circle while thousands of racist hillbillies in the crowd get wasted and not pay attention? Sorry. They make the WWE crowd look like the Princeton debate team.

I Root For: The end of the sport. I just don’t get it.

Soccer

Do they play in winter? Is the MLS still around? MLS is up there with the WNBA in the running for the professional sports organization that the least amount of people give a shit about. Soccer is a boring sport that is only liked by kids under ten, hairy Europeans, and Kurt Mensching.

I Root For: Riots.

So yeah. Nothing competes with baseball to Your Party Host. It’s going to be a long, cold winter as I wait for JV, Big Mig, and the boys to return from their time away from the game.

I guess I could spend more time reading books or spending time with my family.

Ha…right. Football it is, I guess.

Always a Tiger: End of 2011 Edition

2011-10-17T18:19:00.000-04:00

Booooooo! New shirt!

Yeah, that's really never been my style. I try to keep tabs on ex-Tigers in their new surroundings and see how they're doing. Guess I really bought into the whole "Always a Tiger" thing...well, except for Jason Grilli. Eff him.

So, if you're interested, here's the final stats of all the ex-Tigers I could think of that played this year. First will be major league stats, followed by Triple-A stats. Take a look...you'll probably come across some guys you forgot all about. In one case, I found a guy that I thought retired YEARS ago.

MLB POSITION PLAYERS

Position, Player, Team, Avg/OBP/SLG, HR, RBI

C Matt Treanor, Tex, .214/.338/.291, 3, 22
C Ivan Rodriguez, Was, .218/.281/.323, 2, 19
C Gerald Laird, StL, .232/.301/.358, 1, 12
C Dane Sardinha, Phi, .219/.419/.250, 0, 1
C Mike Rivera, Mil, .333/.333/.333, 0, 0

1B Aubrey Huff, SF, .246/.306/.370, 12, 59
1B Carlos Pena,ChC, .225/.357/.462, 28, 80
1B Matt Stairs, Was, .154/.257/.169, 0, 2

2B Omar Infante, Fla, .276/.315/.382, 7, 49
2B Scott Sizemore, Oak, .245/.342/.399, 11, 56

3B Placido Polanco, Phi, .277/.335/.339, 5, 50
3B Jack Hannahan, Cle, .250/.331/.388, 8, 40
3B Adam Everett, Cle, .217/.277/.233, 0, 1

SS Edgar Renteria, Cin, .251/.306/.348, 5, 36
SS John McDonald, Arz, .229/.269/.308, 2, 22

OF Curtis Granderson, NYY, .262/.364/.552, 41, 119
OF Johnny Damon, TB, .261/.326/.418, 16, 73
OF Cameron Maybin, SD, .264/.323/.393, 9, 40
OF Matt Joyce, TB, .277/.347/.478, 19, 75
OF Cody Ross, SF, .240/.325/.405, 14, 52
OF Andres Torres, SF, .221/.312/.330, 4, 19
OF Casper Wells, Sea, .237/.317/.442, 11, 27
OF Marcus Thames, LAD, .197/.243/.333, 2, 7
OF Wilkin Ramirez, Atl, .231/.333/.308, 0, 2

MLB PITCHERS

SP/RP, Player, Team, W-L, ERA, WHIP (Saves/Save Opp)

SP Colby Lewis, Tex, 14-10, 4.40, 1.21
SP Edwin Jackson, StL, 12-9, 3.79, 1.44
SP Jair Jurrjens, Atl, 13-6, 2.96, 1.22
SP Freddy Garcia, NYY, 12-8, 3.62, 1.34
SP Charlie Furbush, Sea, 4-10, 5.48, 1.49
SP Dontrelle Willis, Cin, 1-6, 5.00, 1.52
SP Andrew Miller, Bos, 6-3, 5.54, 1.82
SP Armando Galarraga, Arz, 3-4, 5.91, 1.62

RP Francisco Cordero, Cin, 5-3, 2.45, 1.02 (37/43)
RP Kyle Farnsworth, TB, 5-1, 2.18, 0.99 (25/31)
RP Fernando Rodney LAA, 3-5, 4.50, 1.69 (3/7)
RP Chad Durbin, Cle, 2-2, 5.53, 1.64 (0/1)
RP Jason Grilli, Pit, 2-1, 2.48, 1.19 (1/1)
RP Tim Byrdak, NYM, 2-2, 3.82, 1.41 (1/4)
RP Trever Miller, Bos, 0-1, 3.80, 1.73 (1/4)
RP Lester Oliveros, Min, 0-0, 4.64, 1.50
RP Chance Ruffin, Sea, 1-0, 4.08, 1.53
RP Clay Rapada, Bal, 2-0, 6.06, 1.29
RP Brandon Lyon, Hou, 3-3, 11.48, 2.40 (4/8)
RP Wil Ledezma, Tor, 0-0, 15.00, 3.00

TRIPLE A POSITION PLAYERS (IL, PCL, Mexican)

C Mike Rivera, Nas, .238/.315/.399, 7, 31
C Dane Sardinha, LhV, .140/.238/.172, 0, 1
C Dusty Ryan, Buf, .185/.241/.222, 0, 0

1B Jeff Larish, LhV, .240/.330/.449, 13, 37

2B Scott Sizemore, Sac, .267/.465/.433, 3, 13

SS Brent Dlugach, Paw, .222/.284/.343, 6, 25
SS Mike Hollimon, Roc, .257/.375/.455, 2, 10

OF Hiram Bocachica, Min, .254/.394/.500, 12, 34
OF Karim Garcia, Mty, .322/.432/.528, 7, 53
OF Jeff Frazier, Syr, .226/.295/.364, 10, 46
OF Wilkin Ramirez, Gwn, .267/.307/.458, 11, 36
OF Brent Clevlen, Lou, .247/.302/.393, 3, 10
OF Andres Torres, Fre, .273/.355/.600, 4, 11

TRIPLE A PITCHERS

SP Shane Loux, Fre, 8-12, 4.67, 1.36
SP Luke French, Tac, 9-9, 6.27, 1.76
SP Andy Van Hekken, OkC, 9-6, 3.40, 1.53
SP Nate Robertson, Tac, 6-7, 7.14, 1.85
SP Freddy Dolsi, Cha, 3-7, 6.87, 1.54
SP Dontrelle Willis, Lou, 5-2, 2.63, 1.21
SP Juan Acevedo, Ver, 9-5, 3.68, 1.42 (Yes, THAT Acevedo.)
SP Esteban Yan, 3-3, 5.65, 1.50
SP Andrew Miller, Paw, 3-3, 2.47, 1.17
SP Eddie Bonine, LhV, 3-4, 5.16, 1.46
SP Casey Fossum, Buf, 0-4, 6.56, 1.74
SP Armando Galarraga, 1-2, 9.26, 2.01

RP Jason Grilli, LhV, 4-1, 1.93, 1.16
RP Lester Oliveros, Roc, 1-3, 6.10, 1.81
RP Wil Ledezma, LAS, 1-1, 4.50, 1.42
RP Casey Fien, OkC, 2-2, 4.81, 1.48
RP Clay Rapada, Nor, 0-1, 3.92, 1.35
RP Zach Miner, Oma, 2-1, 1.59, 1.15

I'm blown away that not only is the 41 year old former Tiger closer Acevedo still pitching, but he's a starter in the Mexican League. Learn something new every day, I guess.

Also...Nate...sigh. It's over, Patron Saint. It's over.

A Scapegoat We Can All Hate Together

2011-10-16T14:51:00.000-04:00

Good news, everyone! Thanks to a tip from my friend, Keith, I have found someone to blame for the Tigers loss to the Rangers in the ALCS. Someone that we can ALL get behind in our blind hatred.

Much like 99% of things that have gone wrong in my life, I can now easily blame this season's postseason woes on one man...Randy Smith. Yes, THAT Randy Smith. Rat commie bastard...

How so? Remember 1999's big trade that brought Juan Gonzalez to Detroit? Who could forget? Well, one of the young players Randy Smith dealt to Texas to get his prized slugger JuanGone was Francisco Cordero. In 2006, Cordero was then dealt to Milwaukee with two other players for Carlos Lee and...NELSON CRUZ! The same ~~shaved gorilla~~ man that just slaughtered us in the playoffs!

The Ghost of Randy Smith continues to HAUNT US ALL years later! Someone kill him with fire...

Tip 'o' the cap to the article Keith pointed out to me by Evan Grant.

Game Over. Season Over.

2011-10-15T23:41:00.000-04:00

So yeah…it’s over.

You can blame bad weather, if you want. Maybe crap all over the poor umpiring that always seemed to go against the Tigers…there was plenty of that. Perhaps you want to blame the dreaded injury bug. And many will turn their least favorite Tiger into a scapegoat. Go right ahead.

But don’t do it here. Please take that to other blogs.

Quite simply, the Texas Rangers were the better team. Better hitters, better defense, better speed, and much better bullpen. The Tigers showed guts taking this to six games. They’re a tough bunch and no one can dispute that. They gave us quite the show this year. But that doesn’t make this hurt any less.

This is my 26th season watching Tigers baseball. And this one hurts the most. ’87 ended on a downer, but I was just a kid. ’03 was comically bad, but there were no expectations. ’06 was fun and came out of nowhere, so I wasn’t devastated by the World Series outcome. And ’09 was a heartbreaker with Game 163 and all.

But this year? Probably due to my increased activity with this blog, I’ve never been more obsessed with a baseball season. I think “obsessed” is the word I want there. Living and dying with the Tigers score, over-analyzing every move, constantly thinking about the game…I’ve done all that more this year than any other. So yeah, this sucks. It sounds stupid, but I kind of feel like someone close to me died. Maybe I’m just a baby. Bite me.

But the future is bright, my friends. Verlander, Fister, Cabrera, Avila, V-Mart and the rest aren’t going anywhere. Dave Dombrowski will make moves to improve the team. There will be baseball in Detroit in 2012. And we have a lot to be excited about. Most fanbases would kill to be where we are as a franchise right now. And hey, I can finally shave my stupid playoff beard! These damn squirrels will just have to find somewhere else to live.

So, as I sit here typing this up, still sad and pissed at the same time, I feel the need to dish out a couple bits ‘o’ thanks for the ’11 season.

Thank you to Justin Verlander for being a cyborg and becoming the best pitcher in all of baseball. At least during the regular season. Heh…

Thank you to Miguel Cabrera for silencing his critics with another borderline MVP season at the plate. I am honored to have you on my team, Big Mig.

Thanks to Victor Martinez for choosing to come to Detroit and showing us all what a real professional hitter looks like. Boomstick…shop smart. Shop V-Mart.

Thank you to Doug Fister for teaching me to respect The Dougie. And Fisting.

Thanks to David Dombrowski for bringing us Doug Fister.

Thank you to Don Kelly for being such a great comic foil for this blog. As I’ve said before, I have nothing but respect for Donnie as there’s no one in baseball that gives maximum effort on every play like he seems to do. My only problems with Kelly have been in how Jim Leyland uses him. Deep down, I enjoy having Kelly on the team. Don’t tell anyone I said that…

Thanks to Jose Valverde for teaching us all how to laugh, to dance, and how to be perfect in saving games.

Thank you to Brandon Inge for showing more class than he needed to this year, but still did. Of all seasons, the one where Inge pulls a Mendoza and gets DFA’d…I finally became a bit of a fan of his. I’m sure that will quickly change in 2012, but oh well.

There’s not enough thanks in the world for Alex Avila and the amount of pain he went through this year trying to help the team win. Titanium catcher, indeed.

Thanks to my favorite Tiger, Magglio Ordonez, for giving us one more year when it was clear that he was hurting most of the time. It was sad to see it end the way it did.

And thanks to Jim Leyland for making me love him to death, or hate him with the heat of a thousand suns, depending on the day.

Thanks to all of the Detroit Tigers for giving it everything they had this season. I’m proud to be a Tiger fan and am counting the days until Spring Training. And no…I will not be watching the World Series this year. But, go Cards/Brewers.

…

Oh yeah…

Thanks to each one of you reading this blog. Like me, love me, hate me, whatever. Seriously, I appreciate it.

This little poop joke blog that was started to amuse myself and a few of my friends grew a lot this year. I’m amazed at the amount of reaction DNR has received this season. Whether it’s through my friends at Bless You Boys, mLive, or other Tiger blogs…if it’s through word of mouth from people that somehow stumbled across DNR…or if it’s through the Twitter account I started this year (kicking and screaming)...WHATEVER the reason, I’m happy you all joined me on this goofy ride through the 2011 Detroit Tigers season. It’s truly been a pleasure reading your comments on my stuff, making friends with some of you, and even hearing from some in the Tigers organization. It’s been a blast this year to attempt to entertain you.

And I hope you keep stopping by in the offseason. I know that’s the time when many of you go back to using the internet for its intended purpose…porn. But after you’re done wanking it to the amputee midget fisting pics, stop by and say hi to your old buddy Rogo. It won’t be every day like it has been the past few months, but I plan on updating this site through the offseason 3-4 times a week. After all, there’s ALWAYS something to make fun of when it concerns the Tigers. And I anticipate there were be PLENTY of poor stuff written about the Tigers in the next week or two for me to make dick jokes at. Simonson, I’m looking at you, you twit. Don’t disappoint me.

Again, I thank you and wish you all well this winter. Hold your heads high, Tiger fans. It could be worse.

We could be Indians fans.

/shudders

Take care. I’m gonna go drink until I don’t feel feelings anymore.

Brain Farts from @PhilCokesBrain, Vol 4: Playoff Edition

2011-10-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

How can last night's victory over Texas get better? Easy...a submission from everyone's favorite Twitter portal into the mind of last night's closing pitcher, @PhilCokesBrain.

Be sure to follow @Phil, but don't ask him for autographs. He's a very busy brain.

Wow, what a big night for your favorite ginger! With Joaquin and Jose completely spent we all knew who was going to get the call. That's right, Justin for about 150 pitches.

Well, Skip defied wisdom and called on yours truly. For some reason the first couple outs came super easy. After that they seemed to take some time. For two batters things were shittier than a Brian Wilson taco commercial.

I thought maybe it's because I'm over thinking the situation, then I thought I was over thinking my thinking about over thinking the...wait...I have no idea what's going on. Anyway, I closed out the game LIKE A BOSS. I even fielded some dribblers without twisting my ankle or wrecking my extra foot bone.

After the game I was interviewed by Yogi's little friend Boo-Boo. All in all it was almost as good as that day I found those Ding-Dongs I had forgotten in my coat pocket.

Some other stuff happened in the game too!

-Victor hit a triple without a pinch runner proving just how large Comerica Park really is.

-Delmon hit NOT ONE but TWO doses of anti-inflammatory. Does Magglio win the MVP of this series? We definitely caught a break with his situation.

-Alex caught another fantastic game and hit a home run! He's married so he's used to dealing with nagging problems.

-Cabrera smacked the third base bag with a hit for a double. It was payback for the bag tying weights to his ankles before last night's tag play

-Brad Penny warmed up for about 15 minutes next to me in the bullpen. I'm sure those 3 pitches weren't that taxing for him though.

-Playoff Hero Ryan Raburn hit a home run after being inspired by the plight of Hank Williams Jr.

-Austin struck out four times but, to be fair, it was only because he got four at bats.

Well, now we are heading back to Texas, man. We are going to fight and claw and scratch and passive-aggressively back bite until we get the job done or we have no more functioning obliques.

Later man,

@PhilCokesBrain

Still Alive: Tired Notes from ALCS Game Five

2011-10-13T22:51:00.002-04:00

Just breathe. We're not dead yet.

I safely returned from tonight's Game Five between Detroit and Texas without harming anyone or myself. It was a slow-arriving crowd that seemed ready for the worst. Luckily, the Tigers had other plans.

One thing I'll always remember about the 2011 Tigers, no matter what happens, is how tough these bastards are. Delmon Young hit two more homers today, even though he probably shouldn't even be playing. Victor Martinez is busted up even worse, yet he hit a key TRIPLE in today's ballgame. Justin Verlander threw, I believe, 482 pitches today to take one for the team and save the tired/crappy bullpen. Miguel Cabrera is still a monster. And poor Alex Avila, who some might say is clinically dead, muscled out a homer off of CJ Wilson. Amazing day.

Quote of the day belonged to the 50+ year old woman next to me at the game. After hearing the loud ovation that Brandon Inge received from the CoPa crowd today, she muttered, "I must be the only person in this place that doesn't think this guy's very good." I laughed and asked her to adopt me.

The season is now in the hands of Mr. Max Scherzer. If Good Max shows up on Saturday and we get it to Fister on Sunday, I think this bad boy is ours. Our walking wounded pack of Tigers can still pull this off, kids. Step one...complete. Keep the faith.

Oh my...almost forgot. Mega props to the ULEASHED BEAST in the form of #PlayoffHeroRyanRaburn.

The Ryno hit a single and homer today and upped his postseason average to .316. Who was it that never lost faith in him again? Um...oh yeah. ME, ME, AND ONLY ME! The Ryno's my boy.

Well deserved day off on Friday for the Tigers and their fans. One more time, everyone, we can still do this. It's not over until the ~~Brandon Inge fan~~ fat lady sings.

Note: The Tigers are now 3-0 in playoff games where I am in attendance including 2-0 this year. Someone buy me airfare and tickets to Texas, NOW.

Photos via The Freep.