Saturday, June 23, 2012

I'm Listed As Day-To-Day

For those of you that stop by often for your daily dose of stupidity on my part, I wanted to give you a heads up that I'm taking the next week or so off from the site. I'll be spending the majority of the time moving DNR Headquarters once again as I try to break Octavio Dotel's record for most moves in a ten year span. Has to be done.

So enjoy the team playing like champions one day and chumps the next. Enjoy whoever decides to get hurt on a stupid play this week. Enjoy crazy people wanting to trade Nick Castellanos to Seattle for Dustin Ackley, as I read on another site the other day. Yeah..enjoy all that.

I should be back around by next weekend with something. As always, I'll be around on twitter complaining about everything if you need me.

Take care of each other.

And Max Scherzer, bless you, man. Give 'em hell.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Team Meeting: Dirtbags and A-holes


DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the park early today for this meeting. For starters, let me say how happy Jim, Mr. Ilitch, and I have been with your play lately. You’ve shown remarkable poise after a rough start and have responded like the star players we think you can be. However, Jim and I have talked and we just feel like something’s missing. And that’s what I’d like to speak to you about today. Jim would do the majority of the talking, but as I understand it, many of you can’t understand a word he says.
JIM LEYLAND: (mumble) Bunchofcrapyoumorons. (spits food everywhere)

DOMBROWSKI: Ahem. As I was saying, there are a couple of qualities we feel some of you are lacking. Here. Let me hold up a picture. Tell me what you see.
DOMBROWSKI: Garden gnome? No…Lucky Charms mascot? Nice guess, but again, no. No, this is a dirtbag. Notice how undersized he is. The grit. The scrappiness. The hustle that exudes from him. I know many of you mistook him for the bat boy when he was here, but believe it or not, he played some second base. He is Will Rhymes and he had heart. He was a sparkplug. Sure, he wasn’t very good…

LEYLAND: (cough) Betterthanthesecondbasemenwehavenow… (wheeze)

DOMBROWSKI: But he made up for it with how bad he wanted it. Now many of you have talent, but you don’t show it on every play out there. That’s what we want out of you as “dirtbags”. Now there’s another quality we’re looking for. Let me show you another picture and you tell me what you see.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 St. Louis Cardinals

When I think of the 2006 season, I’m flooded with great memories. Kenny Rogers dominating the playoffs. Placido Polanco going off in the ALDS and ALCS. Justin Verlander coming into our lives. Joel Zumaya blowing away the competition. And of course, Magglio taking Huston Street deep.

But what my subconscious seems to always try to block out was how bad the team performed in the World Series. With the exception of Rogers and Sean Casey, the team went to hell and lost the Series in 5 games. And they lost to an inferior Cardinals team that had only won 83 games during the regular season.

So yes, I do not like the Cardinals. And they are next up on the schedule for the Tigers, looking as pedestrian as they did in ’06 at 34-33. Here’s a look at them.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Shades of Gray (Not the Dirty Book)


I try to avoid talking politics with others. The reason is most people tend to lose all sense of reason when they get into such discussions. Democrat or Republican, Liberal or Conservative, Limbaugh or Olbermann…it’s all either black or white with a great deal of folks. I subscribe to the “common sense” or “shades of gray” point of view. I agree with many liberal views and I also believe in several ideas normally associated with the conservative way of thinking. But I refuse to back a viewpoint just because it’s my so-called “party line”.

And I’m the same way with baseball. I enjoy using what I watch at the park or on my TV to evaluate a player. And I often get a kick out of digging into numbers on baseball-reference to enhance or even modify those views. But I get annoyed with those that insist on only doing so one way or the other.

That brings me to seemingly everyone’s topic of choice lately, a Mister Quintin Berry, 27 year old rookie outfielder on your Detroit Tigers. Kurt at Bless You Boys touched on this earlier, as has nearly every other Tiger blog. But I want to go a bit further and get into our silly fanbase for a second. I must warn you, though, it's not going to be pretty.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Colorado Rockies

I’m a day late on this. My bad. Detroit lost Game One of this series in embarrassing fashion, giving up eight runs in the top of the tenth inning. Considering that the Rockies came into the series struggling like few other teams in baseball, this is a depressing thing. Every time people feel like the Tigers are “turning the corner”, they wind up running right into a brick wall.

Here’s my warped look at the Rockies.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

20 Best Names in the Tigers Organization


The man in that picture is “The Upstate Baller” himself, Casper Wells. And though I don’t consider him much of a ballplayer (and kind of a goof), I was sad to see him and Charlie Furbush leave the organization. Why? Because I admit, I’m a fan of guys with goofy names in the Tigers system. It’s why I always make sure to have Lastings Milledge and Reggie Abercrombie on my MLB: The Show minor league teams.

So today, I thought I’d take a look at the top twenty names we’ve got floating around on the rosters from Detroit, Toledo, Erie, Lakeland, West Michigan, and even the new guys from the 2012 Draft. They don’t need sound kind of dirty to my 13 year old mind, but it’ll probably help. Long live Furbush.

Here’s the list.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Answering the Questions of the Troll King


Thanks to everyone for the mostly positive feedback to yesterday’s Tiger Fan Quiz. I appreciate it and am glad to see so many people willing to not always take this game so seriously.

And due to the quiz, I had to wait a day before getting into our weekly visits with Bill Simonson’s work at mLive. This week, “The King of Trolls” has questions for several Detroit and Michigan sports figures (plus Tiger Woods?). With these men being way too important and/or classy to indulge our favorite local idiot, I am happy to do so since I am neither important and/or classy.

So pull out your Tums and get your facepalms ready. It’s HUGE time.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The "Are You A Good Tigers Fan?" Test


As you may have noticed, especially if you read the “Know Thy Enemy” posts, I like to make fun of other teams’ fanbases. It’s all meant in good fun. In reality, fans are fans. Every team has “good” fans and “bad” ones. Not every Red Sox fan is a racist douchebag. Not every Dodgers fan leaves the game in the sixth inning. And not every Yankee fan is a date rapist. (Yes they are.)

But the same applies to us Tiger fans. We have our good ones and yes, we have some annoying fans, too. If you don’t believe me, you’ve never seen people doing the wave in the ninth inning of a tied game at Comerica or read comments from people that agree with Bill Simonson’s ramblings.

But how can you tell what kind of fan YOU are? If you think about it, no one ever thinks they’re a bad fan. They’re oblivious and you yourself reading this might be one of them. Oh noes!

What I have done is come up with a simple twenty question multiple choice test that will help you realize what kind of fan you, in fact, are. Thank me later. So get a piece of paper, a Number 2 pencil, and get ready. There is no time limit, but I do ask that you answer honestly and choose the best answer possible.

Eyes on your own work! Let’s begin.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Chicago Cubs


After Sunday’s miracle comeback against ESPN’s newest dreamboat, Aroldis Chapman, the hobbled Tigers of Detroit have now won TWO games in a row. A victory on Tuesday would qualify for an honest to goodness winning streak. Someone hold me, I’m frightened.

And next on the schedule are the Chicago Cubs, who are competing with the Padres to be the worst team in baseball right now. The Tigers NEED to win two of three against the hapless Cubbies, and a sweep would be even better. This is a fantastic opportunity to close the gap in the Central before we get into the heavy rotation of Central foes coming up late in the year.

Here’s a look at the franchise that last won a World Series in 1908, the longest championship drought in American professional sports.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Extinct Tigers: Brad Ausmus

With little to add to any current discussion about our struggling baseball team, I thought I’d resurrect one of my old gimmicks on the site and take a look at a forgotten hero from the past. Previous “Extinct Tigers” pieces have looked at “legends” like Skeeter Barnes and Paul Bako.

But with many talking about possible trades and actual trade deadline looming next month, I can’t help but reflect on a favorite of mine that was always nervous around trade time. That’s because Detroit traded him or traded for him multiple times. I’m of course speaking of ex-Tiger catcher, Brad Ausmus.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Cincinnati Reds


Thursday afternoon, the Tigers did something odd. They won a baseball game. Derek Lowe, despite the sinking action, throws mainly fastballs in the strike zone. That’s there perfect kind of starter for the impatient Tiger hitters to feast on, and they did. Notice that once the Tribe went to the pen, the bats went silent again. This is not good.

Maybe some interleague is what the wounded warriors of Detroit need to get back to .500. Friday, they make their first visit to a National League park with a trip to Cincinnati. Here’s my uneducated look at the Reds.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Keeping Score: Indians @ Tigers 6/6/12


Keeping Score, for those of you new to this site, is simply a running dialogue of the inside of my mind during a baseball game. Batter by batter we’ll go until the end. Sometimes it’s a train wreck, I admit. But occasionally, it turns out well. We’ll see how this one goes.

I can’t believe it’s June and I haven’t done one of these yet this season. Oh well. It’s what’s left of the injury ravaged Detroit Tigers versus the brutal savage Indians of Cleveland.

FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. Or something.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bill Simonson: A New Low in Stupidity

Obviously, the first third of the season has been frustrating for the Tigers and their fans. We all had high expectations for the team coming into 2012 and due to injuries, several players underperforming, some bad umpiring, and a lot of bad luck, the team sits four games under .500 and six games out of first place.

It sucks. And it’s normal to be upset about it. I even went off a bit last week. But most rational fans realize that considering all that’s gone wrong, the Tigers really aren’t that far out of the hunt. Two weeks of good baseball could turn it all around. The toughest part of the schedule is over with. Once the team gets healthy, things can’t help but improve. It’s still way too early to throw in the towel or do something drastic.

Granted, that is the thought process of the rational fan. Bill Simonson is not a rational fan. He is a pest, a moron, and the voice of the irrational poor sports fan. You know that fan. The one that wants to call up Nick Castellanos and put him at second base, despite his inexperience and having never played the position. The one that wants to put all the blame on a single player, whether it be Brandon Inge, Ryan Raburn, or whoever this week’s whipping boy is. And he’s the kind of fan that wants to fire Jim Leyland every other week.

I’ve ignored Simonson recently to help my personal sanity, but I couldn’t help cursing audibly this afternoon while reading his drivel. And with nothing better to write about today, I felt we should revisit the almighty “Troll King” once again and prove wrong everything he says. It’s not too difficult a task, to be honest.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Magglio at the Bat

Sunday, the Tigers will have a ceremony to announce the retirement of the great Magglio Ordonez. Maggs, as many of you know, has been my favorite player every since Higginson's retirement and is in my top three ever. His skills, class, and leadership will be greatly missed. I look forward to being in attendance tomorrow to say goodbye to a man who's given us so much on the field.

As a dumb tribute, I reworked the old "Casey at the Bat" poem into one for Magglio's magical night in the 2006 ALCS. Here it is.