When Goodbye Goes Wrong

(Thursday night…)

BRANDON INGE:  Golly, twelve years and it’s over.  I can’t believe it.  It just went by so darned fast.  I still remember my rookie year and how nervous I was.  And who could forget 2003?  Wow, that was a rough time.  And 2006 we almost shocked the world, I tell ya.  Gracious, it was fun.  Making the All-Star team in 2009 was an honor, too.  There was Game 163, losing to Texas last year in the ALCS, all the ups and downs.  Golly, I wouldn’t trade it for anything, though.  I got to live my dream, ya know?  Boy, it’s a shame none of the other fellas could make it out tonight to say goodbye.  I can’t thank you enough for meeting me tonight.

Every Ten Games: Twenty Games In

To put it mildly, the second ten games did not go nearly as well as the first ten did for the Tigers.  Poor pitching, idiotic fielding, and woeful offense turned a 7-3 start into the current 10-10 situation.  Obviously, only 20 games into a 162 game season is only just the beginning.  There’s a long way to go.

Here’s a review of what we’ve seen so far.

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 New York Yankees

So the Tigers were neutered by the Mariners in a disappointing three game sweep to drop the team’s record to 10-9 and a three way tie for first in the Central.  The pitching has sucked, the bats have been quiet, and moves are being made.

Brandon Inge was released after Thursday’s game.  While I was never a fan of Brandon the ballplayer, I’ve always admired Brandon the person.  When his playing days are over, I hope he finds a job somewhere with the Tigers as there are few men that have done more for the Detroit community in the past decade.  But don’t feel bad for the guy.  He got to play MLB baseball for nearly 12 years and was paid very, VERY well to do so.  His story is not a sad one.  It didn’t have a happy ending, no, but it doesn’t make it a tragedy.  Good luck, Brandon.  Thanks for all the material over the years.  Godspeed, Special Little Guy.

Speaking of which, I HAVE NO STUPID CHARACTERS LEFT!  Inge, Bondo, Sheff, Brad and Clete Thomas, Casper, Pauley, etc.  They’ve gotten rid of everyone other than Ni, and he’s a Mud Hen.  I need to go back to the drawing board, it seems.  Oh wait...there's Delmon.

Delmon Young got into a drunken altercation last night in New York, pushed a guy down, and supposedly made some anti-Jewish remarks.  In other words, he did what every New Yorker does every night of the week.  DY’s immediate future is up in the air and I’ll refrain from making further comment until we know all the details of the situation.  Well, other than he's a gigantic idiot.

Finally, as I predicted because I’m psycho psychic, Brad Eldred was called up with the Inge release and will get possibly his last shot at the show as a DH for the Tigers.  I’m a sucker for these kind of stories and wish the man well.  Hopefully he doesn’t struggle too much out of the gate and Tiger fans won't immediately make the connection that he’s basically a 6’6 version of Ryan Raburn.

Anyways, up next is a trip to the Bronx for a series with the New York Yankees.  Oh boy, this should be fun. At least all these warning track balls the team keeps hitting will clear tiny Yankee Stadium by 20 rows.

Here’s a look at DA YANKS.

Brad Who?

Who in the blue hell is this Brad Eldred guy?

After 20 games with the Mud Hens, Eldred has video game numbers going. In 90 plate appearances, he’s hitting .388/.444/1.013 with 9 doubles, 1 triple, 13 homers, and 35 RBI. While mostly being a DH, the big guy’s also played some first and right field this year.

The Balla Returns Home

CASPER WELLS: Aww, yeah, M-Dawg. The Balla’s back in the D, yo. This is SICK! Upstate Balla used to OWN this town, bro. Most of my old crew’s gone, but you gotta meet some of my original posse, dude. They gonna love you, bro.

MICHAEL SAUNDERS: I don’t care. Just hurry up. And don't call me "M-Dawg".

WELLS: No prob. No prob. The Tiger clubhouse is right through here, bro. Calm down. There’s one of my O.G. crew! What up, Ry Ry?

RYAN RABURN: Aw, shoot. Y’all back’n stuff, huh? Howza been, Casper?

WELLS: That’s Balla, son. And I’m tight, you know me. Never had a bad day in my life, bro. If I was any better, I’d havta be twins to enjoy it all. Meet my new wingman M-Dawg.

SAUNDERS: I’m not his wingman. Wedge pays me $200 a night to shadow this idiot and keep him away from underage girls. He had three paternity suits in his first month in Seattle from the local high schools.

RABURN: Yup. Sounds like ‘em.

WELLS: Y’all crazy. Where’s my boy B, Ry Ry? I miss the little guy. M-Dawg, Brandon might seem a little lame at first, bro, but he’s a great dude. Chicks flock to him.

SAUNDERS: I keep telling you. I don’t care about your boy B. Or Aussie Brad. Or Clete. Or Fu-Tang Ni or whatever.

RABURN: I dunno if’n it’s a good time, man. Brandon’s be changin’ a bit since you’uns been gone. Shoot…here he comes now. See fer yourself.

Another Huge Tuesday

The King of Trolls is back again this week, basically repeating the same nonsense from last week.  But we’ll get to that in a minute.  First, I would like to take a look at Bill Simonson himself.

Bill is a sports-talk DJ that contributes a column to mLive once a week.  In both of these jobs, his goal is to get as many listeners/readers as possible.  How do you do that?  One of two ways.

First, you can deliver high quality, intelligent, entertaining, logical, thought provoking commentary on your chosen subject.  You can build a reputation as being tough but fair, while giving well-researched analysis to the listeners/readers.

Or you could take the easy way out.  Be a troll.  Be a “shock jock” and criticize everything.  Scream your nonsense loud and long enough until the casual, uninformed masses out there accept your B.S. as fact.

Bill is the second guy and he always has been, from what I’ve seen.  He is trying to piss people off to get ratings and it apparently works.  Good for him.  But it doesn’t make him right.

For example, years ago, he was working as a DJ in Tulsa before being fired for saying that interviewing the then African-American football coach of Oklahoma was “like trying to interview Buckwheat”.  After Tulsa, Bill moved on to Chicago and made news when he got drunk and was beaten up in the area around old Comiskey Park while stumbling around late at night after a game.  Simonson and his friend Ron Bell, discussing their attackers, said that they only approached the gang of guys who eventually attacked them because they were "well-dressed, middle-class, college-age" kids -- had they been "thugs" or "punks", they would have steered clear.  Gee…what do you think the guy who called a black coach “Buckwheat” meant by that?

And, of course, we’ve all been subjected to his ignorant ramblings on Detroit and Michigan sports for a while now, too.  Ideally, if one would ignore the man long enough, he would disappear.  But I have to admit…I just love tearing his ridiculous “insight” apart with juvenile insults.  He is damn good for blog fodder, I give him that much.

And that finally brings us to this week.

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Seattle Mariners

Over the weekend, the Tigers lost three of four to the invincible cyborg army that is the Texas Rangers to drop last place in the AL Central and the worst record in baseball.

Um…wait.  That’s just how people are reacting.  Actually, despite many players struggling, the Tigers are 10-6, still in first place, and have the second best record in the American League.  Normally, this would be encouraging to a fanbase, but for some reason, the Tiger fans I’ve been in contact with this year have the rationality of mental patients.

I’m not sure if it’s the immediate emotional reactions we’re now exposed to with the explosion of social media or it is just people dealing with the humungous expectations this Tiger team has since the Prince signing, but every at bat, ever pitch is being scrutinized like Obama by Fox News in an election year.

My advice?  Calm down.  The Tigers are playing the most difficult part of their schedule now and are doing just fine.  Look at May’s schedule.  KC, Chicago, Seattle, Oakland, Chicago again, Minnesota, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Minnesota again, and Boston.  Better days are ahead.

Speaking of Seattle, they’re next up for the Tigers.  After dealing with the lethal Ranger hitters, the M’s are going to seem like a Double A team.  But they can’t overlook them, either.  If they struggle against Seattle and don’t win at least two of three, the fanbase is liable to sacrifice Brandon Inge to the baseball gods in the most painful ways they can think of.  Not a bad idea, actually…

Individual Tiger Memories

I made fun of a Grantland article last week and occasionally badmouth Bill Simmons due to being sick to death of the constant Ellsbury Nation nonsense in the media. But in his latest piece at Grantland after the 100 years of Fenway celebration, he said something that I thought was quite good. This is Bill remarking about seeing the hundreds of Sawx heroes walking onto the field and talking about it with his father afterward.

We have been having the same conversation about Freddie Lynn since I was 13. He should have stayed. These are the things you think about when your entire life is flashing before your eyes. Football is more popular, basketball is more marketable, hockey is more exciting, soccer means more throughout the world. But baseball has a way of making you think about everything that ever happened to you, every conversation you ever had, every place you ever lived, everything. 

At least with me, that couldn’t be more true. I love football, college and pro, but have never really felt any real attachment to the players of my teams for some reason. My fandom of basketball and hockey comes and goes. But with baseball, my love for the sport has never waned, even with the Tigers being dreadful for the majority of my watching the team. And neither have the attachments and memories that I associate with so many players. I was at Comerica Park for the 1984 Tigers reunion. That was awesome. But if the Tigers were to ever have a celebration of the team’s history like Boston just did…I would do anything to be there for it.

There have been so many Tigers over the years that have left lasting impressions on me. Obviously, with a majority of them, there’s more than one great memory, but most have one clear moment that pops into my mind first. I’d like to take a break from complaining about Inge/Raburn/Valverde/etc for a day and share a few with you, in no particular order.

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Texas Rangers

After a sweep of the Royals, your Tigers return home with a 9-3 record and a 2 ½ game lead in the AL Central. Not too shabby. But stuff’s about to get real this weekend.

The defending AL Champion Texas Rangers are coming to town for a four game series. As difficult as the early schedule has been on Detroit, they haven’t faced anyone like the Rangers yet, as Texas is currently many people’s choice as the best team in baseball. Considering their impressive 10-2 record (with both losses going to closer Joe Nathan), they’re off to a start justifying that distinction. It should be quite a series as the Tigers seek early season revenge for the ALCS last year.

Let’s take a look at the Rangers today.

A Plea To My Readers

Please stop fighting with each other.

It seems that every post here lately turns into people calling each other names in the comments section. I really don't want DNR to be one of "those sites".

If you want to call me names, go ahead. Turnabout is fair play. But if we can end the flame wars between commenters, I would greatly appreciate it.

This site is intended to be fun. Like me or hate me, I'm just trying to provide entertainment for myself and others. Simple as that. No need to turn it into a name calling contest between each other. For those just trying to defend me or explain things to those they feel dont "get it" here, that great of you, but not necessary. Some people just like to start fights on the internet for no reason. And some of it is just people giving their opinion and it comes off as confrontational.

I appreciate anyone that takes the time to read my stuff and leave a comment. But if the nasty b.s. continues, I'm going to ether start deleting the comments as they happen or turn them off completely. My house, my rules.

Again, a million thank you's to anyone reading this site. But act like adults. I'm the childish one here and I prefer to keep it that way.

The Troll King Returns in a Huge Way

Batman has The Joker. Superman has Lex Luthor. Brandon Inge has curveballs in the dirt a foot off the plate. We all have our arch enemies in life.

Mine is Bill Simonson. “Huge”, if you will. He is a sports radio host in Michigan and contributes to mLive where he likes to misinform a large segment of the Tiger fans while constantly criticizing Jim Leyland. He is wrong on nearly everything he says and just does it to get fans riled up and get attention. Consider him the local version of Skip Bayless, but nowhere near as charming.

I dubbed him the “Troll King” last season as that is what he represents. He feeds the trolls with his B.S. and they go off spouting what he says. No matter that he’s almost always wrong, as I proved in this bit right here on all his stuff from last season. Check it out if you’re a newer reader to DNR. Last year, he was clamoring for Ryan Raburn to bat second and start every day at second base. Unlike today.

Unlike every other writer I’ve ever had “fun” with on this site (except maybe Albom), I have zero respect for Huge. I’ve been checking on Mondays at mLive to see when he’d try and infect the fanbase with his nonsense this season. But the sneaky bastard posted his first attack on the franchise on Tuesday this week. Lazy, Bill. Lazy. But some folks passed the link on to me.

I keep wanting to get away from these FJM ripoffs, but Bill makes it so difficult.

But eff it. Here we go.

Every Ten Games: The First Ten

I’m going to try something new this year and give some sort of report on the Tigers after every ten games. Quite frankly, the well is running a little dry on the dumb humor front. So I'll cover the team record, Top Five, Bottom Five, fanbase complaints about Leyland, etc. All the fun stuff.

With any luck, I won’t get bored of this gimmick after thirty games. Let’s give it a shot.

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Kansas City Royals

With Sunday’s win over the White Sox, the Tigers moved to 6-3 on the season and back into first place in the AL Central. People questioned Jim Leyland’s lineup going in, especially the decision to start Brandon Inge at DH, but thanks to Rick Porcello and the offensive beast that was Gerlald Laird, the Tigers prevailed. And since small sample size seemingly means absolutely nothing the most fans nowadays, I’d like to point out that the Tigers are undefeated when Brandon Inge starts. ZOMG!

Up next is a road trip to the peskiest of all AL Central teams, and the host of this year’s All-Star Game, the Kansas City Royals. What can we expect out of this series? Read on.

Attempting to Defend Ryan Raburn

You may have noticed that Ryan Raburn is off to a slow start this year. Judging by the constant death threats I’ve seen him receive online and on talk radio, many of you have. As one of the world’s only Ryan Raburn fans, this disappoints me, as I had been hoping that this would be the year that he finally got that first half monkey off his back. The #YearOfTheRyno.

Today on the suicide inducing local sports talk radio show, the host was yammering on about how Raburn should be released. He said that it’s obvious that Jim Leyland has something against Ramon Santiago and that’s why he hasn’t been playing. Of course, he made no mention of the fact that Santiago’s been sick all week, he has gotten along wonderfully with JL since 2006, and that he’s a career .249 hitter with sneaky zero power. He then claimed that Raburn is one of Leyland’s favorites and that’s the only reason he plays. This is because he’s dumber than Travis Hafner after having an anvil dropped on his head.

Ryan Raburn is not a great player. He talks like Larry The Cable Guy after 10 beers. His tongue hangs out all the time. He oftentimes has the hands of Jim Abbott on defense like in the 9th inning today. He K’s a lot. His walkup music is awful country nonsense. I get all that.

But when he’s on, there are few Tigers better at the plate. He has shown the ability to be amazing with the bat for bursts of time. He even puts together outstanding defensive plays on occasion. And when the alternatives are career utility player, Santiago, and should have retired two years ago, Inge…there’s no better choice than Raburn to be out there right now. Placido Polanco is gone, people.

If two months from now the Ryno is still hitting under .100, then I’ll agree with you and demand he be shown the door. But for now, consider the following.

-Rick Porcello today became the first Tiger starter to earn a win this year.

-Omar Infante has twice as many homers (4) as Prince Fielder (2).

-Gerald Laird has more homers than Albert Pujols. (1-0)

-Don Kelly was hitting .333 (1/3) entering today before striking out looking with two on because he's awful.

-Miguel Cabrera hasn’t had a hit in 18 at bats. Even the best struggle.

It is still very early. There’s plenty of time for Raburn to put it together. Just be patient and grow the eff up. Call me naïve if you want, but I’m not the one calling for someone’s head on April 15th.

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Chicago White Sox

That picture will never get old to me.

Your Detroit Tigers enter their first road trip of the season 5-1 and could very easily be 6-0 if Justin Verlander wouldn’t have had a brain fart in the 9th inning on Wednesday. And if you are like Lynn Henning and blame Miguel Cabrera for the loss, you are grounded from reading DNR for one week and must submit a report to me on the thought process of mLive commenters when they hear Ryan Raburn's name.

Friday brings us our first matchup with an AL Central foe. It’s the dreaded Ozzie-less Chicago White Sox, the bastard little brother of the Cubs in the Second City. The Pale Hose were one of the AL’s eight charter franchises and were originally known as the Chicago White Stockings. However, “Stockings” was too difficult for many Chicagoans to spell, thus the shortening to “Sox”.

Here’s the important things you need to know about the White Sox.

Grantland Author Sickened By Tigers

I received an email today from a reader named Karen:

Can you make fun of this Grantland piece, please? It would be a service to Tigers fans.

I read it and was confused to what the point of it was. To be fair, that would describe the majority of the stuff at Bill Simmons’ website that is love of everything Bawston. But then I read it again and it annoyed me even more the second time. Now I admit to being unfamiliar with the work of Adam Moerder, but since it’s at Grantland, let’s all pretend that he’s a Pedroia Nation Fanboy like Simmons. It’ll make it much more fun to make poop jokes at.

EDIT: He's a Philly supporter, I'm told. Boring. It's funnier with the Red Sox. And that's the point. I'm a joke blog, not social commentary, people. So sorry, Adam. Being annoyed by Simmons for so long overtakes my ambition to edit out the Red Sox jokes with Phillies ones.

Let’s go through this thing together, shall we?

Bad Nickname Ideas

The Tigers lost today. Quit blaming Leyland. As much as he sucks, don’t blame Schlereth. And Valverde’s not at fault, either.

Blame Justin Verlander. At 81 pitches entering the ninth, it was his game to put away. And he didn’t. It just fell apart on him. End of story. As much as we don’t like to believe it, JV is human.

Anyway, I’ve seen quite a few people trying to come up with a nickname for the current group of Detroit Tigers, especially for the duo of Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder. This is the type of thing that white people enjoy doing because we’re lame. Writer Dave Hogg has been pushing for “Thundercats” to be the unofficial nickname. Personaly, I don’t find that very original, but I can get behind it as long as we all agree that Don Kelly is “Snarf”.

But who am I to bag on a name if I don’t have anything better? Let me give it a shot at nicknaming Cabrera and Fielder…

Sesame Street Gets an Unwelcome Visitor

ELMO: Hewwo, boys and girls. Today Elmo is gonna talk about singuwars and pwurals with you. And to help me will be one of Elmo’s bestest friends, Cookie Monster!

COOKIE MONSTER: Hello, Elmo. Me happy to be here. Me love cookie. But me love COOKIES more!

ELMO: And “cookies” is the pwural of “cookie”. Aren’t pwurals fun?

COOKIE MONSTER: Me LOVE plural cookies!

ELMO: But pwurals aren’t just for cookies, boys and girls. Oh, no. If there is more than one twuck, we say there are TWUCKS. If Elmo have more than one penny, Elmo has PENNIES. It’s vewwy simple!

VOICE OFF SCREEN: Not so cotton pickin’ fast, Elmo…

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Tampa Bay Rays

Okay, I’m sick of fighting with Tiger fans. Time to start pissing off the rest of the league.

Tuesday, the Tigers begin a series with the Tampa Bay Rays. No longer the Devil Rays (because the word “Devil” apparently frightened their elderly fanbase), the Tampa franchise was founded in 1998 where they finished in last place nine of their first ten years in existence. A decade of high draft picks finally made them into quite the decent team since 2007 and they’re one of the favorites to win the AL East this year.

Here’s all you need to know about the Rays.

Returning to the Scene of the Crime

On Easter Sunday, the Tigers rose from the dead two different times to defeat the mighty Woodhead Nation BawSawx in eleven innings by the score of 13-12. Max Scherzer got shelled, Austin Jackson collected four more hits, and the combination of Miguel Cabrera and Alex Avila were awesome in the clutch.

But you already knew all of that. What I’m here to tell you is what you didn’t see as I once again braved the wild that is the Tigers fanbase and attended the game at Comerica Park. How was it, you ask? Oh, I’ll tell you.

It was friggin’ awesome.

A Note on Yesterday's Piece

The internet is a funny thing.  And I’m not just talking about the comments section at mLive.  What I mean is, you never know when something silly is going to take on a life of its own.

So I wrote about my trip to Opening Day yesterday.  It was meant as nothing more than a rundown of the happenings of my day.  I was hoping that a few of you would get a laugh out of it.  Nothing more.  Just like anything else I write here.

But it’s really getting around including being reprinted on Deadspin earlier today.  That’s insane to me, since I have massive respect and constantly rip off many of the writers affiliated with them.  I’d like to thank Barry at Deadspin, Craig Calcaterra of Hardball Talk, Matt Sussman, the rest of the BYB crew, Phil Coke’s Brain, and others that found humor in the story and shared it with people. 

Of course, I’m getting quite the backlash, too.  “You’re a pussy, quit whining.”  “It’s Opening Day, what do you expect?”  “Get better seats next time.”  “Stay home, asshole.”  Etc.

Blow me.  You missed the point.  I just thought it all made a fun story. I understand that drunks at Opening Day are not a unique experience, not in Detroit or anywhere else.   I can’t control how folks take things, but being a whiner wasn’t my intention.  If I went crying to the Tigers about the day begging for tickets or a pint of Don Kelly’s blood, then yes, then I would be a whiner and feel the need to beat my own ass with a crowbar.

A Tigers rep did reach out to me, by the way.  But I let him know that I wanted nothing from them and they did nothing wrong.  In fact, every Tigers employee I’ve had the pleasure of dealing with over the years, whether in person or online, has been nothing but amazing.  Mike Ilitch is a class act and his organization seems to be built in his image.  Great folks are working for the Tigers and the real people that should have legit complaints are those that were unfortunate to be working yesterday.

But I wasn’t alone.  I’ve received dozens of emails and messages from people that had similar or worse experiences yesterday.  I’ve heard from families, guys, girls, and even the priest of one of the churches near Comerica.  And I want to thank each of you for your comments on the situation.  There are a lot of great, decent Tigers fans out there.  As someone that attends a dozen or so games a year, I know this for a fact.

So again, as it says at the top right of this site, don’t take everything so serious on here.  Attempting to write a humorous summary of a rough day at the park does not automatically make me a whining crybaby from OHIO daring to bash the entire Tigers fanbase.  You’re doing it wrong.  But if that’s what you think, you’re a gash and can go get fucked with a railroad spike.

Again, thanks to my readers with an IQ higher than their waist size, the other writers out there, and the great people that work for the Tigers. 

Sometimes a silly story is nothing but that…a silly story.

Hopefully my 15 minutes of uncomfortable fame will be done by this weekend and we can back to me making unfair comments about other people’s work again.  Like the way it should be.

The Nightmare That Was Opening Day in Detroit

The Tigers came away victorious today on Opening Day over the dreaded Wes Welkaah Nation Red Sawx, 3-2 on a walkoff single by Austin Jackson in the bottom of the ninth. AJax was awesome today and so were Jhonny Peralta and Justin Verlander. Jose Valverde’s consecutive save streak ended, yet he vultured a win when the Tigers walked off.

But you already knew all of that. What I’m here to tell you about is what you didn’t see today if you stayed home and didn’t attend Comerica Park for the opener like I did. How was it, you ask? Oh, I’ll tell you.

If I could pick one word to describe it, it would be “awful”.

2012 Predictions and Hopeless Optimism

Are you ready, kids?

As I write this, it’s Opening Day Eve. This Tigers team has been hyped up and it’s time to actually play the games. It’s an exciting time to be a fan of the Detroit Tigers and I hope you’re all joining me in being fanboy optimistic and looking forward to the 2012 season.

With that, it’s time for my worthless predictions on the upcoming year. We’ll cover each MLB division, playoffs, awards, and my own silly additions at the end. I’m usually way off on these, so feel free to mock me in a couple months for being wrong about everything. Hooray.

Better Know a Tiger: Brandon Inge

As we are just days away from Opening Day, here at DNR we will take a closer look at some of the key players in the Tigers’ pursuit of championship in 2012. With apologies to Jhonny Peralta, Joaquin Benoit, Austin Jackson, Ryan Raburn, Jose Valverde Phil Coke, and the other Tigers I didn’t get to, I wrap up this little series with a (final?) look at the most polarizing Tiger I have ever seen.

Yes, it’s Jim Leyland’s Special Little Guy himself, Mr. Brandon Inge.

Better Know a Tiger: Max Scherzer

As we slowly inch toward are under a week from the MLB regular season, here at DNR we will take a closer look at some of the key players in the Tigers’ pursuit of championship in 2012. I see that next on the list is inconsistent possible #2 starter in the making, Max Scherzer.