Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Birth of the Super Agent

PARENTAL DISGRESSION ADVISED

(A couple months ago…)
NEAL HUNTINGTON: As you know, being the General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates makes me a very busy man. With our payroll constrictions, we are constantly scouting young talent and trying to make the most cost efficient deals possible to better our baseball operations. Now you’ve made it clear that you think you can contribute to our team in the 2012 season. But, for the life of me, I just can’t see it happening. Of the thirty professional baseball teams, how many have turned down for a job already for this upcoming season?
JASON GRILLI: Twenty-nine. Plus the Long Island Ducks.

HUNTINGTON: You went to them before us?

GRILLI: Well, yeah. You’re the Pirates, for crying out loud. You haven’t made the playoffs since Barry Bonds was still human.

HUNTINGTON: Well, Jason, as you know we’re a small market team that’s constantly in a youth movement here in Pittsburgh. And according to my notes here, you’re thirty-five years old. Your career ERA is over four and a half. And you have a long history of injury problems. With all due respect, why would we even consider adding you to our Major League roster?

GRILLI: I don’t like your tone, sir.

HUNTINGTON: My tone? Are you serious?

GRILLI: Oh, I am. And I figured this was happened. I think it’s time for our conversation here to go to the next level. You’ve done it now. It’s time for me to unleash my new SUPER AGENT on you!

HUNTINGTON: Oh, Christ. You didn’t hire Scott Boras, did you? If so, you can take your rear end straight out that door and…

GRILLI: Boras? He’s an amateur. I’ve got me the best agent in the world. Excuse me…HEY! He’s playing hardball! I need you in here!

/door explodes open

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Do Not Believe the Lies Being Spread at Yahoo

Unless this is your first trip to the dark, seedy corner of the Tigers Blogosphere known as DesigNate Robertson, you know that I try to offer a humorous take on my baseball team here. I tried the “serious coverage” route when I first began this site, but quickly realized that it wouldn’t last that way for two reasons. One, I hated writing what every other Tiger site was writing. And two, it bored me to tears.

Yet these serious sites are necessary, otherwise we wouldn’t know what’s going on, and wouldn’t have talking points to argue about and/or make fun of. So I respect the hell out of those that cover the team in a serious way, as long as they know what they’re talking about.

That’s what upsets me about the following article I found on Yahoo today. How a site as big and widely read as Yahoo allows such nonsense to be printed blows me away. In fact, the author of this piece just decided to make stuff up off the top of his head. Am I beating a dead horse by doing these things all the time? Probably, but just bear with me. Your regularly scheduled yuck-yucks will resume in the next day or two.

But for now, I must vent.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Scenes From Spring Training in Lakeland

JUSTIN VERLANDER:  I just don't know. My form doesn't feel right. I can't get the ball to go where I want it today. My follow-through felt right, but something is just off. Seriously, if my game continues to suffer like this, I don't know what I'll do. This is important to me. This is my life. If I don't figure out what's wrong, and fast, I could be in some serious trouble. What do you think?

Friday, February 24, 2012

Damn Brandon Inge for Being Merely On Time

Tom Gage of the News ruined my day. His piece criticizing Brandon Inge for merely showing up on time for Spring Training instead of being early did the worst thing someone could do to me. He made me feel bad for Brandon Inge.

Gage can eat a box of diseased rabbit turds. The baseball season is incredibly long. Spring Training is weeks of pointlessness that could be accomplished in two. Switching from third base to second base for a guy that’s been in the Majors for over a decade isn’t rocket science. Lighten up, you putz.

Look for Gage to follow up on this soon as he brings Inge to task for these other crimes against baseball and/or humanity:

-Brandon Inge disrespects team by taking the last donut from the team’s breakfast spread without asking if anyone else wants it.

-Inge admits to have cried at the end of “Field of Dreams” the first time he saw it. Is he too sensitive for the game?

-Inge says he’s not a fan of rice and beans. Thus, is a racist not seen since the days of Rod Allen.

-Brandon drops to #2 in friendliness to reporters behind Don Kelly. Is this a sign of the money going to his head?

-Inge heard bragging that he CAN believe it’s not butter. Is he too cocky for his own good?

-Delmon Young sneezed today. Inge didn’t say “God bless you” afterwards. Why does he hate black people so much? Or is it GOD that he hates?

-Inge quoted as saying he doesn’t watch “Jersey Shore”. Is he too out of touch for today’s game?

Point is, between his lack of hitting and the silly things that come out of his mouth, Inge has enough working against him. You don’t have to go around making up new things for the ignorant masses to get all over the guy about, Tom.

You’re better than this.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Fun With White Sox Writers

With the always entertaining Ozzie Guillen now cursing out the Miami media, I thought this year might be boring in regards to the White Sox. Luckily, the media covering the ChiSox is trying to pick up the slack with some written nonsense on the team in regards to them challenging the Tigers for the AL Central crown this year.

Here’s a bit from two such articles that made me chuckle this afternoon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Ranking the AL Central, Position By Position

With the signing of Prince Fielder, everyone is talking about Detroit making a deep playoff run and possibly winning the World Series in 2012. Yeah, that sounds nice over here. But before we can worry about that, the team needs to win their second straight AL Central title first. Something tells me the Wild Card won’t be coming from the Central this year.

Today, I thought I’d see how the Tigers stack up, position by position, around the AL Central. Think of it as an early “Know Thy Enemy” piece on the whole division. Keep in mind that there are still a lot of free agents out there, so these things could change. Of course, that would require the ChiSox and Twins adding to their already bloated payrolls and/or the Indians and Royals actually spending money on their baseball teams.

Perish the thought.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

The DNR Preseason Top 40

With pitchers and catchers reporting, Spring Training is finally upon us. And I figure that a good place for us to start this year is with a look at the 40 man roster in the order of my favorite player down to my least favorite. I haven’t done one of these since August and in that time there are 13 different players on the 40 man roster that weren’t there before.

So many questions. Who will replace Magglio as my favorite Tiger? With Brad Thomas gone, who now gets the honor of the most hated? Will Don Kelly continue to climb from the Bottom Ten? Who the hell is Avisail Garcia?

All of these questions and more are answered after the jump. Players are listed in order based on nothing by my personal preferences, along with where they were ranked the last time I did this.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Meanwhile...Six Weeks From Now

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you all for joining us today. It’s been a heckova Spring, guys. And when we decided to give you all an equal chance to win the second base job, we meant it. Now it wasn’t an easy choice for us to make, but after careful consideration, Jim and I worked together to finally decide on a winner. But before we tell you our decision, I just want to say thank you to each of you for your contributions to the team. Right, Jim?
JIM LEYLAND: That’sright. NowIjustwannasay (lights cigarette) howproudIamofeach (HACK) oneofyouguys. ThefansofDetroitarelucky (WHEEZE) tohaveallofyou…

/breaks down crying

DOMBROWSKI: Exactly. Well, let’s run down each one of you. I guess I’ve got to pick one of you to start with, so I’ll begin with you, Donnie Kelly.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

20 More Great Things About Being a Tiger Fan

Friend of DNR, “Uncle” Ian Casselberry did a nice piece over at Big League Stew on the 10 best things about being a Tigers fan. I urge you all to check it out as it’s a fun list that should make you smile a bit.

And yes, there are bad things about being a Tigers fan, too. There’s the annoying opera singing vendor, the little stand down the third base line where they try to charge you $60 for a foul ball that Ramon Santiago hit two years ago, the fact that the Lions also play in Detroit, and of course, Don Kelly’s continued existence. But Ian’s list got me thinking and there’s just so much more that’s great about being a Tigers fan.

So here’s another 20 things that I came up with off the top of my head that are sweet about supporting the Old English D. Feel free to add more, if you like, in the comments section.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

More Fun With a Minnesota Writer

Once again, boredom has caused me to dive into the depths of Bleacher Report in search of something to make fun of. And again, it is our South Canadian friends from Minnesota that have caught my ire. If it seems like I had fun with a Twins author just recently, it’s because I did. They really seem to enjoy the Prince Fielder signing up there. I truly believe they are in denial over their team being an abortion at this point.

The headline from this piece is “Minnesota Twins: Small Ball is Key to Beating Detroit Tigers”. I think you can all see how this one is going to pan out. The best part of these BR stories are how short they are. Saves me time and provides me with content. How nice of them.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Miguel Cabrera's Getting Buff

This picture was posted on twitter by @440Fitness earlier today of the man-beast known as Miguel Cabrera, along with his happy sidekick and (sniffle) ex-teammate Magglio Ordonez.  Both are looking good and Mig's said to have lost 20-25 lbs this offseason and will be reporting to Spring Training early to begin working at third base.

I know I've said before that Spring Training is boring and all...but I have to admit, this has me getting excited for the upcoming season.  The only way I could get more pumped is if someone posts a pic of Don Kelly getting eaten alive by a shark.  A shark with a laser on it's head.  I can dream...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Tiger Droppings: I Need a New TV Edition

If you haven’t heard, we’re less than two weeks away from pitchers and catchers reporting. Awesome, right? Wrong. What everyone seems to forget is that Spring Training is exciting as a Joe Buck home run call. Sure, bad baseball is better than no baseball. But I’m not getting all worked up to watch Patrick Leyland play catch with Jose Ortega like most people are. Maybe it’s just me.

I got my federal taxes back the other day and left work early this afternoon to check out some TV’s since mine is going to hell and is, I believe, from sometime when Barbaro Garbey was still playing. Your Party Host wants to see Prince Fielder’s robust gut in HD this year, you see. So I fell in love with a 42” one and told the sales schmuck that I wanted it. He said they were out of stock. There was another 42” next to it for $40 more. So, I inquired about that. He said those were out of stock, too. I may have uttered a naughty word or two and wanted to burn the place down and kill everyone in a three block area. Instead, I just left with no TV and came home to yell at the cat.

Thus, I’m fussy and can’t decide what to write about today. So I figured I’d hit on a couple topics I’ve had rattling around in my tiny brain that probably don’t warrant a full blog entry. So suffer through my thoughts on the 5th spot in the rotation, Justin Verlander being a slacker, the everyday lineup, and more.

Monday, February 6, 2012

2001 Tigers Video Breakdown

So I was at a bar in Dundee, MI at 10:00 Monday morning (don’t ask), and the bartender there was the third person to ask if I had seen the Clint Eastwood/Detroit commercial during the Super Bowl. No, I hadn’t. I didn’t pay much attention to the Football Yanks vs. Football Sawx game until the 4th quarter, but I watched it when I got home in the afternoon on Youtube.

It was okay, I guess. Eastwood’s in that category with people like Paul McCartney and Bob Dylan where if they come out and fart into a microphone, everyone will fall over themselves to tell you how great it is. Whatever. Personally, the entire time of the ad I was wondering if I was hearing Clint’s voice or that of Christian Bale’s Batman.

But while I was messing around on Youtube, I came across an eight minute video featuring the 2001 Detroit Tigers, as they were in town to play an exhibition against the Erie Seawolves. After the jump, take a look at it and afterwards, I’ll share my running thoughts on it.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Meanwhile...in Texas

VOICEOVER: When storage units are abandoned in the great state of Texas, the treasures within are put up for auction.

(Dallas, TX)
VICTOR: Heeey. I’m from New Yawk. I’m beddah than deez rednecks. Badda bing, badda boom. Fowgeddaboutit!
JERRY: As the only likable person on this horrible spinoff, I’m asking you viewers to please help me. I don’t belong here. Someone, ANYONE, send a brotha a bus ticket out of this racist hellhole!
WALT: Okay, folks. You know the rules. We’re gonna open the locker and you all get five minutes to look inside. You can’t enter the locker and you may not touch anything. Whoever has the most cash in their pockets can walk away with it. Yeehaw, let’s get to it! There’s only one locker up for auction today so let’s open her up and see what’s inside!

/locker door ripped open

Thursday, February 2, 2012

My Groundhog Day

Welcome to my Groundhog Day.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Top Ten Black Tiger Players of All Time

In 1995, the percentage of African-American players in MLB was 19%. Last season, that number had dropped to 8.5%. Whether it’s due to the rising number of Latino and Asian ballplayers, the increasing popularity of the NFL and NBA in black communities, or something else, baseball seems to be struggling to market itself to the black athlete.

This is another in a long list of reasons why I think the Prince Fielder signing is great for the city of Detroit. The past several seasons I’ve joked that the Tigers had something against black ballplayers that couldn’t play center field. A friend of mine from the Detroit area who is raising a black child told me a while back that her son wasn’t very interested in baseball since none of the players he saw on TV were African-American. And in a city where 82% of the residents are black (according to the 2010 Census), having a black superstar player can be nothing but a good thing for the community.

As a supposedly politically correct society, race is not supposed to matter. But how many black folks do you see wearing Brandon Inge jerseys? Hopefully the presence of a star of the magnitude of Fielder will start making the black youth of Detroit start appreciating baseball again. Because the landscape of the game today would not be the same without the contributions of the black players of yesterday.

I know that DNR doesn’t seem like the place you’d expect to read a serious piece on Black History Month. After all, I’m rarely serious, I’m far from black, and I’m not much of a history buff. But today, in honor of the month and the Fielder signing, I thought I’d take a look at the top ten African-American players in Tigers history since Larry Doby broke the Detroit color barrier with 18 appearances for the Tigers in 1959. These ratings are subjective and I’m doing them in a combination of the player’s talent and his significance to Tigers history.