Lord Jeter, former Tiger hero Curtis Granderson, and the rest of the Evil Empire are in Detroit. That seems like good enough reason to do a running blog of a game. And tonight it’s Anibal Sanchez against CC Sabathia. It’s the Detroit debut of Jeff Baker. And it’s a day the Tigers have an opportunity to move back into first place in the AL Central. Can they make it seven straight wins?
The game’s about to start so let’s begin Keeping Score. Warning, there will be cursing. It is a Yankees game, after all.
TOP OF THE FIRST
-His Holiness swings at the first pitch and grounds out to short before Rod Allen can begin to verbally suck him off. Thank goodness.
-Rod just called Sanchez “Sandoval” already. It’s gonna be a long game.
-Nick Swisher is second. At one of the playoff games I went to last year, the right field fans were taunting Swisher pretty hardcore. He responded by laughing at their jokes and shaking his ass at them. It was funny and I don’t hate him as much as I used to.
-Swisher draws a walk. What an asshole. I hate him again.
-Kansas City’s favorite Yankee, Robinson Cano, is next. They tell us the Tigers have passed two million in attendance this year already. Meanwhile, Cleveland is hoping to hit 100,000 for the year by next weekend. Good luck, Tribe!
-Cano taps back to the mound. Swisher advances to second. Two down.
-Mark Teixeira’s ugly ass is next. Sanchez apparently agrees that Mark’s not handsome and beans him on the elbow. I hope he hits Jeter later, too.
-First and second for what’s left of Eric Chavez. I used to like Chavez until I found out he was best buddies with Eric Munson. So fuck him.
-Aww, dammit. Twins-like bloop single to center and Swisher scores. Eat a diseased cock, Chavez.
YANKEES: 1, TIGERS: 0
-Granderson is next with runners at the corners. He quickly singles to right because Sanchez is awful and another run scores.
YANKEES: 2, TIGERS: 0
-Russell Martin and his .194 average is next. I’m sure he’ll go 4-4 today. Nope, he K’s. He’ll have to settle for 3-4. Inning over.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-Austin Jackson stands in against CC Sabathia to begin the Tigers’ first. CC obviously doesn’t stand for “counting calories”. After a few foul balls, Austin Jackson strikes out. Oops…forgot the hashtag.
-Omar Infante grounds out to Cano on the first pitch. Plate discipline is not his forte.
-Two down for Miguel Cabrera. I commented on twitter yesterday that I hope everyone appreciates Cabrera and that none of us are likely to ever see anyone as good as him again. Most seemed to like that, but a guy disagreed saying Cabrera’s not a leader. I don’t know what more people want from the guy…
-Cabrera walks. Obviously the at bat of a follower. Or something.
-Prince Fielder is next. CC vs Prince SUMO MATCH…Prince is hit on the first pitch. Eff yew, CC.
-First and second, two down, and Delmon Young and his ridiculous mustache steps in. After a walk and a hit batter, a good player would take some pitches here. Alas, it’s Delmon. If this at bat lasts more than four pitches, I owe you all a Coke.
-He flies out on the third pitch.
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Ichiro Suzuki is first for the Yanks. He bounces out to second. Nice job by Infante as it was close.
-Casey McGehee comes up to the dish now. He is A-Rod’s latest scab and he fouls out to Laird. Two down.
-I received an email today from someone that told me to watch Laird. He adjusts his cup after every pitch. I never noticed this before. It’s fascinating. I need one of the beat reporters to find out why G-Money’s nuts itch so bad.
-Dark Lord Jeter bounces one and Omar makes another fine play. If Raburn were in this game, the Yanks would have two on with one out. Sorry, Ryno.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Hey, it’s the Tigers debut of Jeff Baker! They tell us he was born in Germany. Good to know that Delmon has a buddy, now.
-Baker strikes out. He’s fitting in already. And he can K in every at bat and I’ll be fine with it. Baker’s the man that made Don Kelly disappear. Bless this man.
-That brings up Fuckstain Boesch. The second pitch is a foot inside, so of course he swings. Then he strikes out looking. Because he’s the worst. Keep benching Dirks for this asshole, Jim.
-Two outs for Laird and his itchy balls. Base hit to left on the first pitch. He’s now 10-22 against Sabathia in his career. Go figure.
-Ramon Santiago grounds out to Cano.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-Swisher leads off for the Bombers against Anna Belle. He strikes out looking. Nice pitch by Sanchez.
-That brings Cano back up. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Hahaha…Sanchez beans him on the first pitch. Obviously in retaliation for the Fielder one. Warnings are given out. Oh, I hope there’s a fight. I wanna see Austin beat up Granderson. You know he wants to.
-Tex is up again. He takes one to the right field warning track and Boesch manages not to drop it. Two down.
-Chavez is next. Give him credit. He’s managed to walk to the plate tonight twice without hurting himself.
-The runner steals second on the Tigers catcher. This is a recording.
-Full count to Chavez before Sanchez walks him. Goodie. More baserunners on for Granderson. This won’t end well.
-And predictably, Granderson unloads with a three run homer.
YANKEES: 5, TIGERS: 0
-Base hit for Martin. Sigh.
-Meanwhile, yesterday Jacob Turner went six scoreless for the Marlins Triple-A team. He’s now 2-0 for them in 3 starts with a 2.65 ERA. I just thought I’d mention that because I’m a dick.
-Ichiro grounds out.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-AJax leads off by lining out to right on the second pitch. One down.
-Infante K’s on three pitches. Suddenly, I think I may have chosen the wrong game to do this. Again.
-And that brings up Big Mig. He lines out to Swisher just like Jackson did. Also on two pitches. Tigers are down on seven pitches. Shit, fuck, cock.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-McGehee doubles on the first pitch. Ugh.
-Captain Hustle ’n’ Grit is up again. Joy. Rod is saying something about Jeter, but I can’t understand it with all the slurping noises.
-Single to center and the runner stops at third. NICE JOB BY JETER, Rod tells us. Die, die, die…
-First and third, no outs, and Swisher’s up. Duane Below’s throwing in the pen. Nice of Leyland to remember he’s alive.
-Base hit to right. Shit.
YANKEES: 6, TIGERS: 0
-First and second, no outs, and Leyland’s bringing the hook for Sanchez. He was dreadful today.
-Below is in to face Cano. He flies out to center and Jeter takes third. Rod acts like this is the greatest baserunning of all time.
-Horseface Mark steps in and lifts a sac fly to center. CAPTAIN FANTASTIC scores.
YANKEES: 7, TIGERS: 0
-Two down for Chavez while Rod starts campaigning for Jeter to be in the Hall of Fame. He singles to left. Assbag.
-Thankfully, Granderson grounds out to Cabrera before it can get worse.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Prince leads off and singles to center on the first pitch.
-But don’t worry, Delmon quickly hits into a double play. Because that’s what Delmon does. That’s why he bats fifth so much. To give me brain cancer.
-Jeff Baker gets his first Tigers hit with a double to right. Sadly, he doesn’t clap his hands afterward, so Detroit fans will immediately forget about it.
-Time for Boesch to end the rally attempt, it seems. Well, I’ll be damned. Boesch singles past a diving old shortstop with no range that everyone worships and the Tigers have a run.
YANKEES: 7, TIGERS: 1
-Rod gushes about Jeter diving with a seven run lead. Fuck and you, Rod. Stop. Now.
-Laird grounds out to Jeter. Amazingly, Rod doesn’t orgasm on the easy putout at second. At least, not that I could hear.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Russell the Love Muscle leads off by grounding out to third.
-Ichiro’s corpse grounds out to Prince. Two quick outs for Below.
-McGehee grounds out to Lindy Infante and the inning is over.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Wee Ramon leads off. You’d think the Tigers would expect nothing but disaster starting Ramon and Infante in the infield together. 2003 wasn’t THAT long ago. Santiago flies out to Swisher.
-Jackson is next and he K’s again. It’s not our night.
-Two down for Infante. He taps out to Cano.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-I want a baseball bat with a bunch of nails sticking out of it. Then, I want to use it to savagely beat the hell out of whoever came up with the idea for the “WOO!” Little Caesars commercial.
-Rod’s Lord and Savior leads off and the dick sucking begins again as Rod and Mario marvel over how amazing Jeter is and speculate over him beating Pete Rose’s hits record. Look. Jeter has had an amazing career. He has been an outstanding talent. But c’mon. And with that, Jeter grounds out. WITH GRIT.
-Swisher then draws a walk.
-At least the White Sox are losing to Kansas City in the 2nd, 1-0. I’m sure the Sox will win 33-1, but let me have my moment, dammit.
-Cano is next, but before he can homer, Swisher gets picked off at first by Below. Running with a six run lead in the sixth, Nick? Asshole.
-Cano singles to right to bring up Teixeira with two outs.
-Tex singles to left.
-That brings up certain Hall of Famer if he always played against Detroit, Eric Chavez. Coming into this at bat, he’s 7 for his last 10 against the Tigers. Wow! He grounds out to first. I’m in shock.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Cabrera bounces one back to Tubby for the first out.
-Rod namedrops Drew Sharp. Between that the and Jeter love fest, it’s almost like he WANTS me to burn down his house.
-Prince beats out an infield single to short. PRINCE FIELDER. INFIELD SINGLE. Yeah, Rod. Jeter is the greatest.
-Oh fuck, Delmon’s up. Holy hell, it’s down the line! Ground rule double for Delmon! Second and third, one out.
-BASE HIT FOR JEFF BAKER! Two runs score! DON KELLY NEVER, JEFF BAKER FOREVER!
-Just dawned on me. With me running out of stupid characters and Baker being born in Germany…
/mouse running on wheel in my head runs faster
YANKEES: 7, TIGERS: 3
-Captain Worthless, Brennan Boesch is next. Double play ball to Cano…BOBBLED! Everyone is safe!
-Laird flies one to center. Baker moves to third on the play. BUT WHAT? I thought only JETER makes it third on a fly ball to deep center? I’m so confused!
-First and third for Santiago. He strikes out because he’s fucking terrible.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-Below remains out there to face Granderson. This is poor strategy as Grandy doubles to left-center.
-Someone wakes Leyland up and he stumbles out to get Below. We’ll now get a Darin Downs appearance. Could be worse. Luke Pokemon could still be on the team.
-Martin grounds out to short and Granderson moves to third. One down.
-Infield in for Ichiro. Slow chopper to Prince, but he’s too fat to do anything. Run scores and Ichiro is safe. Jeebus…
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 3
-McGehee and his stupidly spelled last name steps in. Ha…Ichiro takes off and is picked off by Downs. Greedy fuckers keep giving away outs. Good. We need the help.
-McGehee grounds out to Mig.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-Top of the order for Detroit. They need some runs here if they want a chance. Jackson leads off and Austin 3:16 says I just singled off your ass! Base hit to center.
-Infante strikes out. You need to be patient to be successful against CC. Omar is not.
-Base hit by Miggy the MVP! Austin moves to third!
-First and third for Prince. Oh. They ruled Miggy’s hit an error on the third baseman. That’s shitty. Either way, the Yankee bullpen heats up as Prince waits on CC’s stalling. Bouncer to Tex brings in a run. Two down.
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 4
-Cabrera’s at second for Delmon. And CC is done for the day. Right-hander coming in. If I were Leyland, I’d send Dirks up to hit for Young here. I would also have difficulty breathing, my manners would be poor, and my breath would be awful.
-David Robertson is the new pitcher. And Delmon will face him because Leyland is more loyal than smart. He hits a weak grounder to first…BOTCHED by Tex! Ha. Runners are safe all around!
-Oh. HERE is Dirks, batting for Baker who was apparently too successful tonight. BASE HIT! Mig scores, Delmon to third! If Dirks keeps this up…wow. Prime Higgy 2.0.
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 5
-First and third for…oh suck me sideways. It’s Boesch. Weak bouncer…NO ONE CAN GET TO IT! Run scores! Holy shit the Yanks are giving this away.
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 6
-First and second for Laird. He had BETTER NOT HIT. Okay, here comes Avila to bat for him and yes, Alex is the go-ahead run at the plate. BASE HIT! Dirks scores!
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 7
-Remember when it was 7-0 Yanks?
-Tying run is at second for Santiago. LET JHONNY BAT! Nope, they’re letting Ramon hit. And one sneaky rally-killing grounder to second later, the inning is over. But it was fun.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Phil Coke is the new Tiger pitcher. Did Villarreal, Dotel, and Benoit die? Coke’s been incredibly shitty lately. Hopefully that changes.
-Jeter leads off. How many hooker abortions do you think Jeter has secretly paid for over the years? Gotta be at least a baker’s dozen, I’d wager. He grounds out to third before Rod can talk about how pretty his eyes are.
-Nick Swisher bloops one to center but Austin Jackson dives for no one. One out single for Swish.
-And now a single for Cano. C’mon, Phil. Knock this shit off. Oh, NOW Villarreal is warming up.
-Teixeira comes up and I’d strangle an orphan for a double play ball here. Nope. Base hit to left, run scores. Fuck you, Coke.
YANKEES: 9, TIGERS: 7
-Chavez is next. After fouling off approximately 47 pitches, he grounds to Infante, but the run scores. Two down.
YANKEES: 10, TIGERS: 7
-With a runner at third, it’s Granderson again. And he strikes out. That’s the Curtis I know and love to see.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-Robertson is still pitching for the Yanks. Whatever you say, Mr. Girardi. And Jayson Nix is the new third baseman.
-Jackson strikes out looking to start the inning. Many fucks were yelled in the Rogo household after that.
-Omar’s up and LONG DRIVE…GONE! Solo shot for Infante! Hooray for false hope!
YANKEES: 10, TIGERS: 8
-And here’s Mig. The count draws full and Cabrera gets under it too much. Fly out to center. Two down and Girardi’s bringing in Boone Logan to face Fielder.
-Grounder to Cano…inning over.
TOP OF THE NINTH
-One inning too late, Brayan Villarreal is the new pitcher, facing Martin. And he strikes him out.
-That brings up Elderly Ichiro again. He grounds to Santiago and that's two out. This would have been so nice last inning instead of Coke's nonsense.
-And now Nix gets his first at bat. He wastes no time singling past a diving Fielder. 911 is called dozens of times in Detroit due to people thinking there's an earthquake happening.
-Mr. Intangibles gets another shot now. And Lord Jeter singles to right. Rod has to change his pants as New York has runners at first and third now.
-KC's still up 2-0 over Chicago in the 8th. If they blow it, I'm going to kill you all.
-Oh, FUCK. Villarreal balks. Nix scores. Forget what I said. DEATH TO ANYONE NAMED BRAYAN!
YANKEES: 11, TIGERS: 8
-Swisher walks now. Villarreal looks like a deer in headlights now. Someone please go get him.
-And now Cano singles, Dirks bobbles it, and Jeter scores.
YANKEES: 12, TIGERS: 8
-Teixeira steps in as my cat is now walking with a limp. He flies one to left, but Dirks makes a nice running catch. Last chance coming up.
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
-Rafael Soriano is the new pitcher to face Delmon. He flies out on the very first pitch because he is Delmon Young.
-Dirks is next. But this time he looks like 2006 Higginson and strikes out. Two down.
-And fittingly, it's Boesch. And he strikes out. Yup. Game.
FINAL SCORE: YANKEES: 12, TIGERS: 8
Can't win 'em all. Thanks for reading.