Hello, friends. Miss me? Didn’t think so.
A while back, I came up with the idea of a “Tigers Roundtable” show to replace the boring, pointless “Tigers Weekly” that FSD features. I thought I’d imagine such a roundtable show today to recap what I missed in my week away from DesigNate Robertson.
Let’s take a look.
RYAN FIELD: Hello everyone and welcome to “Tigers Roundtable”. I’m your host, Ryan Field, and with me to discuss current events surrounding the Detroit Tigers is this week’s panel of experts on everything in Tigers baseball. First up, ex-Tiger outfielder and one of my Fox Sports Detroit co-hosts, Craig Monroe.
CRAIG MONROE: (looks at wrong camera) Hey, Ryan. Glad to panticipate in the programming on this fine day. (stares at Field)
FIELD: Ahh, yes. Glad to have you. Up next, is former Tiger starting pitcher and another key member of the 2006 AL Champion ballclub, Jeremy Bonderman.
JEREMY BONDERMAN: HELLOS. BONDO GOT FREE COFFEE MUG FOR TALK BASEBALL STUFF TODAYS. NEED SIPPY CUP STRAW, THOUGH.
FIELD: And finally, our third member of the roundtable is the always entertaining, always outspoken former Tiger outfielder and DH, Gary Sheffield!
GARY SHEFFIELD: That’s right, Bryan! Sheff’s here to keep (BEEP) real, son! Let’s get this motherf(BEEP)r started!
FIELD: Sigh. Up first this week was yet another injury scare for a team that’s had their share of walking wounded this year. Tiger backstop Alex Avila started the week experiencing some severe knee pain. However, an MRI revealed no fractures and he was diagnosed with tendonitis. Guys, how big of a relief was this to the ballclub and how big of a part of this team is Alex Avila? Craig?
MONROE: (looks at wrong camera) Quite simplicity, Alex Avares is the on-field leader of the Tigers. (looks at correct camera) Losing him would be an oracle that the club would find difference to overcome. If they are going to make a legislature run at the AL Central crown, (looks at wrong camera again) Alex will be an irreplaceable cognitive in the machine. (stares at Field, then smiles)
FIELD: Um, right. Bondo?
FIELD: You thoughts on Alex Avila and his knee?
BONDERMAN: BONDO LIKE FURRY CATCHERMAN. NEVER SIT ON KNEE, THOUGH. FURRY CATCHERMAN SAY HIS LAP NO PLACE FOR BONDO. MADE BONDO SADFACE.
SHEFFIELD: F(BEEP)k Alex Avila! Ni(BEEP)a only here cuz ‘o’ who his Daddy is. He a pu(BEEP)y, son. He no Sheff, you feel me? Rub some dirt on that sh(BEEP) and get on the field. That what Sheff do.
FIELD: Well, Gary, to be fair you had your share of injuries. And Alex takes quite a beating behind the dish on a daily basis. Be fair, here.
SHEFFIELD: What you say to Sheff, Seacrest? F(BEEP) YOU!
FIELD: Right. Now the Tigers have racked up some impressive wins this week, but they always seem to sandwich a tough loss in between them. What does this team have to do to put together a substantial winning streak, guys?
MONROE: Baseball is a funny gay, Ryan. (looks at wrong camera) It’s tough to go out on a date-to-date basis and string together solid pitching and hitting at the same timing. (looks at correct camera) What I see with this players is a bunch of guys pressing too hutch. They need to relax, have some fun, and it will all adventurely come together. (smiles, turns and stares at Field)
FIELD: Sigh, Jeremy?
BONDERMAN: YOU MENTION SANDWICH. WHERE SANDWICH? BONDO WANT PEANUT BUTTER AND BACON. AND CUT CRUSTS OFF PLEASE.
SHEFFIELD: Sheff’ll take that sh(BEEP), too. But change that hog to bananas. You ever have PB and B, Bryan?
FIELD: Can’t say that I have, Gary.
SHEFFIELD: Oh. Then f(BEEP) you.
FIELD: Gary, please. How about it? What can the Tigers do to get it going?
SHEFFIELD: That easy. Trade for my client, Jason Grilli! Best reliever in the game, son! And Sheff’s the best agent in the game! You got an agent, Bryan? How bout you let Sheff handle you next contract? Get some hookers and blow put in there, too, and you and Sheff’ll…
FIELD: The All-Star Game is coming up and Prince Fielder will represent the American League at first base. However, Adrian Beltre beat out or own Miguel Cabrera to be the third base starter. How do you guys feel about that?
MONROE: (has back to camera) It’s a tough voice for the fans, Ryan. (Field turns Monroe’s chair around) Beltre is the better defensive pliers, but Miggy is the best right-handed hitter in the lame. I would have given the nodding to Cabrera. (smiles at ceiling)
FIELD: Jeremy, how about you? Who would you vote for to start at third base for the AL?
FIELD: Excuse me?
BONODERMAN: GILLIGAN MAKE BONDO LAUGH. COCONUT FALL ON HIS HEAD.
SHEFFIELD: F(BEEP) Miguel Cabrera. He owe sheff twenty bucks still, I think.
FIELD: Guys, we’re about out of time. Anything else you’d like to add to conclude our first edition of Tigers Roundtable?
MONROE: I’d just like to remember the fans to not panic. There’s still plenty of timing left in the 2012 season. (turns to wrong camera) And this team is way too talent show to not turn this around. (creepy smile)
BONDERMAN: PANCAKES BETTER WITH SYRUP THAN BBQ SAUCE.
FIELD: Indeed. Finally, Gary.
SHEFFIELD: This show is bull(BEEP). Where the ho’s at? What’d y’all do with that new Fox Detroit girl, Bryan? That bit(BEEP) just disappear. Did Porcello knock her up before Sheff get his shot? F(BEEP)k that, man. And F(BEEP) you, Seacrest. Haha!
FIELD: And thankfully, that concludes our first edition of Tigers Roundtable. Join us next time when we’ll put together a brand new selection of experts and hit ALL the hot topics surrounding the Tigers. See you then. Good night.
BONDERMAN: BYE BYE, INVISIBLE TV FANS.
SHEFFIELD: Shut the f(BEEP)k up, Jimmy!