A long time ago, before Jay Leno destroyed any reason to
watch, “The Tonight Show” was hosted by one of the most brilliant comic minds
in history, a man named Johnny Carson. One of his trademark bits that he
performed along with his always laughing sidekick Ed McMahon was that of “Carnac
The Magnificent”. It’s been ten months since we at DesigNate Robertson have
been dropped in on by our bastardized version of Carnac and it’s high time for
another visit.
Since I’m assuming 90% of my readers have no idea what I’m
talking about because I’m getting old, here’s a link to an old Carnac on
Youtube if you’re having trouble following along. I’d like to apologize to any longtime
readers if I recycle any old jokes. Like that’s anything new here…
Hello, boys and girls, and Tigers fans of all ages. Too much
time has passed since we’ve been graced with a visit from the Great Stranger
from the East. He is truly the seer of all seers, a genius among mortals, and Prince
Fielder’s personal trainer. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the
Tremendous!
/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage
Are you okay, oh lumbering one?
I am fine. Let’s hurry up with this before Dombrowski
shuffles around the same three Quad-A players between Detroit and Toledo again.
As you wish, great sage of Tigers baseball. I hold in my
hand a sizable stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Angel Hernandez could see
that they have been hermetically sealed and kept in the Detroit scouting
reports of Trevor Plouffe, where no man has ever looked. No one knows the
contents of these envelopes, but Rogo-nac the Tremendous, in his mystical and
possibly supernatural way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen
the questions written inside. Are you ready, astounding one?
Ready as I’ll ever be. If you're done babbling.
Hermetically sealed!
Yes. They heard you.
In the Tigers Plouffe scouting reports!
A lonely, untouched place. Like Gene Lamont’s privates. Yes.
Proceed.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first envelope!
But first, Rogo-nac needs complete silence from the audience.
Well, sir, Rogo-nac almost always gets nothing BUT complete
silence from his audience.
May Delmon Young show up drunk at your bar mitzvah.
Hohohoho…I hand you the first envelope!
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Do not walk.
/opens envelope
What seems to be Delmon’s goal in every at bat?
Hahaha…indeed, sir! The man has zero plate discipline. Ha…the
next one.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Dictator.
A dictator? Okay…
/opens envelope
What do you get if you combine Bill Simonson and Jose
Valverde?
HIYOOOOO! Hohoho…a dick and a tator. Clever, sir.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Two games under 500.
Sounds familiar, yes…
/opens envelope
How many games would Delmon have to play to draw ten walks?
Hahaha…maybe more than that, sir. Yes.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
A healthy man.
A healthy man? Okay…
/opens envelope
What has Doug Fister been for approximately 20 minutes so
far in 2012?
Haha…sad, oh miraculous one. A sad story. Don’t pick on
Doug.
May you team’s fanbase think Quintin Berry is the answer in
left field.
Yikes…the next envelope, sir.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Lions and Tigers and AJ Pierzynski, oh my!
Hoho…okay. The question?
/opens envelope
Name two types of cat and one pussy, oh my!
ZING! Hahahahaha! No one will ever like AJ…haha.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Catch-22.
Catch…22. Sir…
/opens envelope
What happens if you hit 100 fly balls to Delmon Young?
Heh. Almost positive you’ve used that similarly in the past,
oh repetitive one.
May Justin Verlander think you’re speaking to him during a
start.
Oh no, sir! I apologize.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Max Scherzer and the average mLive commenter.
/opens envelope
Name a man with guts and a clueless putz.
Hahahahaha…hoho…oh, yes.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Phil Coke and Shamu the whale.
Coke and Shamu?
/opens envelope
Name something that looks like it weighs three tons and also
Shamu the whale.
HOHOHOHO…poor Phil. Letting himself go, so quickly after
marriage.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
The difference between a Porsche and the third Fox Sports
Detroit girl.
Uh oh…
/opens envelope
Rick Porcello doesn’t have a Porsche locked in his garage.
HIYOOOOOOOOOO! Hohohohoho…the LADIES MAN!
Quiet. May Lynn Henning somehow be your team’s most reliable
beat reporter. Next.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Magglio Ordonez, Justin Bieber, and Betty White.
/opens envelope
Name three people that would be better in right field than
Brennan Boesch.
Heh. That’s actually true. Not even funny. Just true. Proceed, sir.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Delmon Young batting fifth and the hashtag #AustinJacksonStrikesOut.
Interesting…
/opens envelope
Name two things that stopped being funny many months ago.
Hahaha…very true again, oh astonishing one! You speak the
truth!
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Austin Jackson, Jose Valverde, and Brennan Boesch.
Uh oh…here we go again…
/opens envelope
Name a stud, a spud, and a dud.
Hohoho…
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Miss Ohio.
MISS OHIO! A lovely lady?
/opens envelope
What won’t you do if you leave the city of Cleveland?
Hahaha…TRUE! The same goes for all Ohio cities, I believe,
sir.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
2006.
Two thousand six! Great year.
/opens envelope
Name the last time the Tigers made the World Series and the
last time Rogo came up with original material. Hey! How’d this get in here?
HOHOHOHOHO! Just having some fun with you, wonderful one!
Hahaha!
May Duane Below go unnoticed in your bullpen for a week.
May Don Kelly be your team’s only healthy player.
May you wake up with Alex Avila’s knees.
Hohoho…I apologize, majestic one. Please continue with the
envelopes.
Twit. Okay.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
A loaf of rye, a keg of Budweiser, and Rick Porcello’s
latest girlfriend.
This sounds familiar…
/opens envelope
Name three things that contain yeast.
Haha…an oldie, but a goodie.
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
A construction site and Rick Porcello’s latest girlfriend.
Oh no…
/opens envelope
Name two places that it’d be risky to be inside without
proper protection.
HAHAHA…HIYOOOOOOO! Oh…
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
Black, white, and smells like tuna.
Oh, geez…
/opens envelope
What are Austin Jackson and Don Kelly after hugging Rick
Porcello’s latest girlfriend.
HOHOHOHO…please, oh jealous one. Enough with Porcello. He’s
playing well, lately.
May you be forced into a conversation with Shannon Hogan.
Anything but that, wise one. Ladies and gentlemen, we are
nearly finished. I hold in my hands the LAST ENVELOPE!
/audience roars
Finally!
May you be forced to type out closed captioning during a
Miguel Cabrera interview.
May people you follow on Twitter talk nonstop about what
terrible music they’re currently listening to.
May you be forced to listen to an endless loop of the latest
Bless You Boys podcast.
May your boss text you “RAYBURN SUX” over and over again.
May a blogger that never blogs bug you constantly about
posting more.
ENOUGH, Rogo-nac! The last envelope, please!
/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead
The Detroit Tigers.
Yes, the Detroit TIGERS!
/opens envelope
Name a group of guys that will be watching the 2012 playoffs
on TV at home if they keep this crap up.
HAHA! Yes! Thank you, amazing Rogo-nac! And thank you all
for tuning in! Goodbye! Come back soon!
5 comments:
Glad you're back Rogo... Hilarious as always. Well, except the bit about Plouffe's scouting report. That is sadly true
Thank you sir! I know these have a high degree of difficulty, so I appreciate them. See how nice I am?
[i]May Delmon Young show up drunk at your bar mitzvah.[/i]
I laughed out loud... and my wife was looking at me like I was a maniac.
Budweiser, Rogo-nac, Anderson Cooper.
/opens envelope
A beer, a seer, and... a hell of a good reporter.
Great post Rogo....My favorite Carnac that always reminds me of Johnny was...opens envelope, Virginia Graham, Billy Graham, and Lester Mattox, answer...name two Grahams and a cracker.
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