Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Great Rogo-nac Returns Once Again

A long time ago, before Jay Leno destroyed any reason to watch, “The Tonight Show” was hosted by one of the most brilliant comic minds in history, a man named Johnny Carson. One of his trademark bits that he performed along with his always laughing sidekick Ed McMahon was that of “Carnac The Magnificent”. It’s been ten months since we at DesigNate Robertson have been dropped in on by our bastardized version of Carnac and it’s high time for another visit.

Since I’m assuming 90% of my readers have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m getting old, here’s a link to an old Carnac on Youtube if you’re having trouble following along. I’d like to apologize to any longtime readers if I recycle any old jokes. Like that’s anything new here…

Hello, boys and girls, and Tigers fans of all ages. Too much time has passed since we’ve been graced with a visit from the Great Stranger from the East. He is truly the seer of all seers, a genius among mortals, and Prince Fielder’s personal trainer. Heaven has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh lumbering one?

I am fine. Let’s hurry up with this before Dombrowski shuffles around the same three Quad-A players between Detroit and Toledo again.

As you wish, great sage of Tigers baseball. I hold in my hand a sizable stack of envelopes. Even a blindfolded Angel Hernandez could see that they have been hermetically sealed and kept in the Detroit scouting reports of Trevor Plouffe, where no man has ever looked. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but Rogo-nac the Tremendous, in his mystical and possibly supernatural way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions written inside. Are you ready, astounding one?

Ready as I’ll ever be. If you're done babbling.

Hermetically sealed!

Yes. They heard you.

In the Tigers Plouffe scouting reports!

A lonely, untouched place. Like Gene Lamont’s privates. Yes. Proceed.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the first envelope!

But first, Rogo-nac needs complete silence from the audience.

Well, sir, Rogo-nac almost always gets nothing BUT complete silence from his audience.

May Delmon Young show up drunk at your bar mitzvah.

Hohohoho…I hand you the first envelope!

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Do not walk.

/opens envelope

What seems to be Delmon’s goal in every at bat?

Hahaha…indeed, sir! The man has zero plate discipline. Ha…the next one.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Dictator.

A dictator? Okay…

/opens envelope

What do you get if you combine Bill Simonson and Jose Valverde?

HIYOOOOO! Hohoho…a dick and a tator. Clever, sir.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Two games under 500.

Sounds familiar, yes…

/opens envelope

How many games would Delmon have to play to draw ten walks?

Hahaha…maybe more than that, sir. Yes.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

A healthy man.

A healthy man? Okay…

/opens envelope

What has Doug Fister been for approximately 20 minutes so far in 2012?

Haha…sad, oh miraculous one. A sad story. Don’t pick on Doug.

May you team’s fanbase think Quintin Berry is the answer in left field.

Yikes…the next envelope, sir.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Lions and Tigers and AJ Pierzynski, oh my!

Hoho…okay. The question?

/opens envelope

Name two types of cat and one pussy, oh my!

ZING! Hahahahaha! No one will ever like AJ…haha.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Catch-22.

Catch…22. Sir…

/opens envelope

What happens if you hit 100 fly balls to Delmon Young?

Heh. Almost positive you’ve used that similarly in the past, oh repetitive one.

May Justin Verlander think you’re speaking to him during a start.

Oh no, sir! I apologize.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Max Scherzer and the average mLive commenter.

/opens envelope

Name a man with guts and a clueless putz.

Hahahahaha…hoho…oh, yes.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Phil Coke and Shamu the whale.

Coke and Shamu?

/opens envelope

Name something that looks like it weighs three tons and also Shamu the whale.

HOHOHOHO…poor Phil. Letting himself go, so quickly after marriage.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

The difference between a Porsche and the third Fox Sports Detroit girl.

Uh oh…

/opens envelope

Rick Porcello doesn’t have a Porsche locked in his garage.

HIYOOOOOOOOOO! Hohohohoho…the LADIES MAN!

Quiet. May Lynn Henning somehow be your team’s most reliable beat reporter. Next.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Magglio Ordonez, Justin Bieber, and Betty White.

/opens envelope

Name three people that would be better in right field than Brennan Boesch.

Heh. That’s actually true. Not even funny. Just true. Proceed, sir.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Delmon Young batting fifth and the hashtag #AustinJacksonStrikesOut.

Interesting…

/opens envelope

Name two things that stopped being funny many months ago.

Hahaha…very true again, oh astonishing one! You speak the truth!

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Austin Jackson, Jose Valverde, and Brennan Boesch.

Uh oh…here we go again…

/opens envelope

Name a stud, a spud, and a dud.

Hohoho…

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Miss Ohio.

MISS OHIO! A lovely lady?

/opens envelope

What won’t you do if you leave the city of Cleveland?

Hahaha…TRUE! The same goes for all Ohio cities, I believe, sir.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

2006.

Two thousand six! Great year.

/opens envelope

Name the last time the Tigers made the World Series and the last time Rogo came up with original material. Hey! How’d this get in here?

HOHOHOHOHO! Just having some fun with you, wonderful one! Hahaha!

May Duane Below go unnoticed in your bullpen for a week.

May Don Kelly be your team’s only healthy player.

May you wake up with Alex Avila’s knees.

Hohoho…I apologize, majestic one. Please continue with the envelopes.

Twit. Okay.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

A loaf of rye, a keg of Budweiser, and Rick Porcello’s latest girlfriend.

This sounds familiar…

/opens envelope

Name three things that contain yeast.

Haha…an oldie, but a goodie.

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

A construction site and Rick Porcello’s latest girlfriend.

Oh no…

/opens envelope

Name two places that it’d be risky to be inside without proper protection.

HAHAHA…HIYOOOOOOO! Oh…

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

Black, white, and smells like tuna.

Oh, geez…

/opens envelope

What are Austin Jackson and Don Kelly after hugging Rick Porcello’s latest girlfriend.

HOHOHOHO…please, oh jealous one. Enough with Porcello. He’s playing well, lately.

May you be forced into a conversation with Shannon Hogan.

Anything but that, wise one. Ladies and gentlemen, we are nearly finished. I hold in my hands the LAST ENVELOPE!

/audience roars

Finally!

May you be forced to type out closed captioning during a Miguel Cabrera interview.

May people you follow on Twitter talk nonstop about what terrible music they’re currently listening to.

May you be forced to listen to an endless loop of the latest Bless You Boys podcast.

May your boss text you “RAYBURN SUX” over and over again.

May a blogger that never blogs bug you constantly about posting more.

ENOUGH, Rogo-nac! The last envelope, please!

/Rogo-nac puts envelope to forehead

The Detroit Tigers.

Yes, the Detroit TIGERS!

/opens envelope

Name a group of guys that will be watching the 2012 playoffs on TV at home if they keep this crap up.

HAHA! Yes! Thank you, amazing Rogo-nac! And thank you all for tuning in! Goodbye! Come back soon!

5 comments:

EightMileCats said...

Glad you're back Rogo...  Hilarious as always.  Well, except the bit about Plouffe's scouting report.  That is sadly true

Oldenglishd said...

Thank you sir!  I know these have a high degree of difficulty, so I appreciate them.  See how nice I am? 

H2OPoloPunk said...

[i]May Delmon Young show up drunk at your bar mitzvah.[/i]

I laughed out loud... and my wife was looking at me like I was a maniac. 

frisbeepilot said...

Budweiser, Rogo-nac, Anderson Cooper.

/opens envelope

A beer, a seer, and... a hell of a good reporter.

Ricklehman said...

Great post Rogo....My favorite Carnac that always reminds me of Johnny was...opens envelope,   Virginia Graham, Billy Graham, and Lester Mattox,  answer...name two Grahams and a cracker.