DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the park early today for this meeting. For starters, let me say how happy Jim, Mr. Ilitch, and I have been with your play lately. You’ve shown remarkable poise after a rough start and have responded like the star players we think you can be. However, Jim and I have talked and we just feel like something’s missing. And that’s what I’d like to speak to you about today. Jim would do the majority of the talking, but as I understand it, many of you can’t understand a word he says.
JIM LEYLAND: (mumble) Bunchofcrapyoumorons. (spits food everywhere)
DOMBROWSKI: Ahem. As I was saying, there are a couple of qualities we feel some of you are lacking. Here. Let me hold up a picture. Tell me what you see.
DOMBROWSKI: Garden gnome? No…Lucky Charms mascot? Nice guess, but again, no. No, this is a dirtbag. Notice how undersized he is. The grit. The scrappiness. The hustle that exudes from him. I know many of you mistook him for the bat boy when he was here, but believe it or not, he played some second base. He is Will Rhymes and he had heart. He was a sparkplug. Sure, he wasn’t very good…
LEYLAND: (cough) Betterthanthesecondbasemenwehavenow… (wheeze)
DOMBROWSKI: But he made up for it with how bad he wanted it. Now many of you have talent, but you don’t show it on every play out there. That’s what we want out of you as “dirtbags”. Now there’s another quality we’re looking for. Let me show you another picture and you tell me what you see.
/Danny Worth screams and runs out of the room
DOMBROWSKI: This is Gary Sheffield. And he was an asshole. He didn’t care what he had to do or who he had to upset, as long as he got results. And that’s what we want to see in you players. We want to see a killer instinct. If we’ve got a four run lead, try to make it six. Step on some throats, so to speak.
LEYLAND: (hack) Quitbeingabunchofpussies. (spits up lung fragment)
DOMBROWSKI: Dirtbags and assholes. Every winning team has their share of them. Now here’s what they look like when you combine them.
DOMBROWSKI: See? That’s a champion. Ryan. Come up here please. How you feeling today?
RYAN RABURN: Shoot. I’m happier ‘n’ a puppey wit’ two peters to be back, y’all.
DOMBROWSKI: Good to hear. Now show me your best intense, dirtbag face.
RABURN: M’kay. Dere go.
DOMBROWSKI: Um, not show me your best asshole face.
DOMBROWSKI: Sit down, Ryan. You guys aren’t getting it. Is there anyone in here that’s been told they’re an asshole?
DELMON YOUNG: Sup? Whatchall want?
DOMBROWSKI: Delmon. Why do you think you meet the “asshole” qualification?
YOUNG: Fuck da jews, son. Dat’s bout it.
DOMBROWSKI: No. Please stop that. Look. Maybe we’re not making ourselves clear. You all need to go out there an play like we know you can. Be intense. Act like the game is on the line in every play. Be animals out there! Doesn’t anyone get it?
/shower door explodes open
PHIL COKE: Who the FUCK took my rubber ducky? You assholes KNOW I need my rubber fucking ducky or I can’t fucking shower! Where IS HE?
DOMBROWSKI: THAT’S what we’re looking for! That’s some fire! That’s a dirtbag asshole! Um, Phil, do you always shower with your uniform on?
COKE: (shrugs) Yes. You all having a meeting? Oh well. I’m only going to say this once. Give me Mr. Quackers or you all die where you stand.
YOUNG: Sorry. Thought it was mine.
/hands over ducky
COKE: Your duck is the blue one. Dickhead.
/storms back into shower
DOMBROWSKI: Good. Take lessons from Phil Coke, men. Now go out and play like champions today. Dirtbag asshole champions. Thank you very much.
/room breaks up
DOMBROWSKI: Think we made any headway?
LEYLAND: (choke) Noyou’reanidiot. (hack)
DOMBROWSKI: Fine. Win or you’re fired.