Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Keeping Score: Indians @ Tigers 6/6/12


Keeping Score, for those of you new to this site, is simply a running dialogue of the inside of my mind during a baseball game. Batter by batter we’ll go until the end. Sometimes it’s a train wreck, I admit. But occasionally, it turns out well. We’ll see how this one goes.

I can’t believe it’s June and I haven’t done one of these yet this season. Oh well. It’s what’s left of the injury ravaged Detroit Tigers versus the brutal savage Indians of Cleveland.

FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. Or something.

TOP OF THE FIRST

-Max Scherzer is the Tiger pitcher tonight. The team’s won his last five starts as he seems to be the only pitcher they want to score runs for this season. Lesson to JV, Kid Rick, Big Nostril Drew, and whatever Seawolf is the other pitcher this week: Wear one colored contact lens. They’re dumb. They won’t know the difference.

-Shin-Soo Choo leads off for the Tribe. He takes an 0-2 pitch to right for a single. There goes the no-hitter. Yes, Max. Leave the 0-2 pitch over the middle. This may be a long game…

-Asdrubal Cabrera pops out on the first pitch. I’m sure he’ll find something to complain about on the way back to the dugout.

-Jason Kipnis is next. Oooh, nice. Max showcases the worst pickoff move in baseball to keep Choo close a couple times before Berry makes a nice running catch on a 410 foot drive to center. Two down.

-And that brings up the cleanup man, Carlos Santana. No sign of Rob Thomas, thank goodness. Easy fly ball to right AND BOESCH DROPS IT! Good gawd, I hate him more than Don Kelly. Error on Brennan and it’s first and third now. Someone stab that worthless shit in the balls with a lawn dart. Christ…

-First pitch to Brantley and it’s a three run homer. You’ve gotta be fist-fucking me. FUCK YOU BOESCH. First home run of the year for Michael Brantley.

INDIANS: 3, TIGERS 0

-Johnny Damon comes up now. He grounds out to first because it’s not 2004 anymore and the inning ends. I hope Boesch gets AIDS from one of the idiot fangirls that have been stinking up Comerica wearing his shirseys.

BOTTOM OF THE FIRST

-Jeanmar Gomez is the Indians starter. I know little about him, but Rob from Detroit 4 Lyfe, Bless You Boys, Walkoff Woodward, and every other Detroit site that isn’t mine says he’s pretty good. I trust Rob.

-Quintin Berry leads off for the (sort of) Tigers and quickly grounds out because he’s awful. I like Berry for pinch running and the occasional start, but no team should be having him lead off every day except for maybe the Pirates.

-Ramon Santiago is next. He is quickly retired with a sneaky fly out.

-Two down for Miguel Cabrera, who by now is probably wishing he was on the DL, too. He grounds out to that little weasel Kipnis. Inning over.

TOP OF THE SECOND

-Casey Kotchman leads off for Cleveland. Luckily, he’s terrible and pops up to third. Of course, Miguel and Peralta almost run into each other, but Big Mig makes the play.

-Matt LaPorta is back in the bigs for a week or two and he steps in as the Indians’ only right handed batter in the lineup. Line drive…STABBED by Cabrera! Wow. The experts underestimated Young MC in the field. He’s no Gold Glover, but he’s decent.

-Lonnie Chisenhall is up with two down and features the mustache of a child rapist. He grounds out to first and Prince manages to not make an error. I’m claiming a moral victory there.

BOTTOM OF THE SECOND

-Prince Fielder leads off for Detroit and takes it DEEP…COME ON. Johnny Damon robs him of a homer. Yes, THAT Johnny Damon. That can’t field, supposedly.

-Delmon Young weakly grounds to short…barehanded by Cabrera…OUT! Two great plays for Cleveland because God hates Detroit.

-.226 hitting lady killer Boesch is up next. He easily pops out to third. Because he’s an abortion of a baseball player.

TOP OF THE THIRD

-Choo leads off as I Google how to tie a noose properly. He’s now hitting .600 in his career against Max. With a full count, Max gets him looking on a pitch that may have been low. Wow. A call went Detroit’s way.

-Ass Dribble is next. Another full count and Cabrera goes down swinging. Two outs.

-Kipnis is up and walks on four pitches. It’s never easy for the Tigers this year.

-Santana steps in and grounds out to Wee Ramon. Inning over.

BOTTOM OF THE THIRD

-David Chadd, the VP of scouting for Detroit, is in the booth now to talk about how they managed to screw up this year’s draft. Ooh. 22 of the 39 picks were pitchers. Hooray. That’ll help our lack of position players that aren’t dreadful in the minors.

-Jhonny Peralta grounds out to short. One down.

-MLB starting left fielder Don Kelly is next. At least Donnie has some plate discipline to work the count full…AND HITS A HOME RUN. Go figure. We’re a week into June and that’s Kelly’s first extra base hit.

INDIANS: 3, TIGERS: 1

-The new catcher, Holaday, grounds out before I can learn how to spell his name. Two outs.

-Berry weakly grounds out. It’s midnight, Cinderella. But I still prefer him to Boesch when AJax returns.

TOP OF THE FOURTH

-Michael Brantley leads it off. What a coincidence. His home run ball just finally landed. He grounds out to Peralta.

-That brings up defensive whiz, Johnny Damon. Johnny’s clean shaven tonight, but is showing off his 90210 sideburns. Full count and he walks.

-Kotchman is next as Max has been in a three ball count to five of the last six hitters and is at 58 pitches. Johnny takes off and steals second. Has Detroit thrown out a runner stealing YET this year? Full count to Casey and he hits the Belle Tire canopy in right for a homer. Sigh.

INDIANS: 5, TIGERS: 1

-LaPorta flies out to right where Boesch manages not to drop it. Crowd gives a sarcastic cheer as I plot his murder.

-Two down for Chisenhall who grounds out to Ramon.

BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH

-Sole survivor of the dreadful 2003 team, Ramon Santiago, leads off by grounding out sneakily to Kotchman.

-Hey, Austin Jackson is making a rehab start for the Hens tomorrow. Finally, good news. Granted, he’ll probably somehow have an anvil dropped on his head and miss the rest of the year.

-Miggy Poco swings at a pitch a foot off the plate…AND HITS IT OUT TO RIGHT! Only Cabrera.

INDIANS: 5, TIGERS: 2

-Detroit now has two hits. Both homers. Prince is up and draws a walk. RALLY TIME.

-Scratch that thought, Delmon’s up. 35 of the 54 Tiger homers this year have been solo ones, including their last NINE. That’s depressing. Anyway, Delmon swings at a 2-0 pitch because he’s a cocksucker and narrowly avoids a double play. Fielder’s choice makes it two outs.

-Boesch is up and taps out to the catcher. It landed about an inch from home plate. Good lord, how is that even possible?

TOP OF THE FIFTH

-Choo leads off as my rittle bit lacist mind wonders if he’s ever eaten a dog. Another full count by Max and Choo singles up the middle. He just owns Scherzer.

-Asdrubal is next and laces a single to right. First and third, no outs. Where’s the Advil?

-Infield hit and an RBI for Kipnis. I think we got hosed again on the call. It was very close.

INDIANS: 6, TIGERS: 2

-First and second for Carlos Santana. Duane Below and Luis Marte are up in the bullpen. Santana taps to Max WHO BOBBLES IT and gets the out at fist. Runners move up.

-One down, second and third, and Brantley comes up to be intentionally walked. Yes, Michael Brantley gets walked on purpose. Only in 2012.

-Loaded for Damon who is batting .178. I expect a grand slam. Is that wrong? Base hit to left, two runs score, and Damon takes second when Kelly throws to the wrong base. Fuck, this team is awful in every way. This is inexcusable.

INDIANS: 8, TIGERS: 2

-Duane Below comes in to face Kotchman. Casey fouls out. Two down.

-Below has been outstanding this year. It makes sense to put him into the rotation, so of course they won’t do it.

-LaPorta grounds out to third. End of inning.

BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH

-Before I can think of a way to make fun of him, Jhonny Peralta doubles to right. Good for him.

-Noted Tiger slugger Don Kelly is next and quickly pops out to the catcher. One down.

-Bryan Holaday is next. So THAT’S how you spell it. He lines a single to left. Good for him. And WOW, he’s hitting .500!

-First and third for Berry…FAIR BALL down the line! RBI double for Q!

INDIANS: 8, TIGERS: 3

-Second and third, one out for Little Ramon. Sneaky groundout to short and the runner at third scores. Two down.

INDIANS: 8, TIGERS: 4

-Miguel comes up with Berry at second. Mig swings and FAIR BALL, a double to right! Berry scores!

INDIANS: 8, TIGERS: 5

-C’mon, Prince, you magnificent fat bastard! BASE HIT TO LEFT! Cabrera scores! Hooray for false hope!

INDIANS: 8, TIGERS: 6

-Gomez was trying to pitch around Prince and the big dude went WAY out of the zone to hit that. Outstanding.

-Delmon lines out on the fist pitch because he’d a dickbag. Inning over.

TOP OF THE SIXTH

-Luis Marte is the new pitcher for Detroit since Below was looking WAY too good out there. We can’t have that. Chisenhall leads off for Cleveland and pops out on the first pitch to the catcher. One down.

-Double to left for Choo as Kelly couldn’t cut it off quick enough. Gotta give credit to Choo for hustling on that, though. 8 hits for the Tribe so far.

-Phil Coke’s up in the pen as Asdrubal steps in. Base hit to right. Run scores. Good thing we took Below out after two batters.

INDIANS: 9, TIGERS: 6

-Kipnis is up and Rod compares his stance to Mickey Tettleton. I hate you, Rod. Never insult The Mick like that. Kipnis strikes out.

-Santana grounds out to Marte.

BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH

-Boesch leads off as Rod shows us how his swing is messed up as compared to last year. Good thing it’s taken a third of the season for someone to notice. And Tony Sipp has taken over as the Cleveland pitcher, like it matters. My 8 year old could get Boesch out right now. Brennan grounds out to Sipp. Someone please shoot him.

-Peralta’s next and he K’s on four pitches.

-Oh good, Kelly’s up. He flies out to left.

TOP OF THE SEVENTH

-Phil Coke is the new pitcher. I had the pleasure of meeting his Brain on Sunday. Nice guy. Michael Brantley greets Phil by striking out.

-Johnny Damon is next and I can’t help but wonder how cosmopolitan his wife is finding Cleveland so far. Damon walks on a full count.

-Kotchman follows the walk with another strikeout. Two down. Fans are doing the wave at Comerica because they are an embarrassment.

-That brings up Matt LaPorta, which in Spanish means “The Porta”. The More You Know, brought to you by DesigNate Robertson. Meanwhile, Coke has made more pickoff attempts at Damon than he has pitches to the plate, I believe. LaPorta finally strikes out. Three K’s for Coke.

BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH

-Sidearm pitcher Joe Smith has taken over for the Tribe to face Holaday. Aaron Cunningham has taken over in left for Damon. Poor Johnny gets no respect after making the biggest defensive play of the game, I see. Holaday grounds out to the pitcher…nice play by Smith to snag it.

-Back to the top of the order and Quintin Berry. He quickly strikes out. Ugh.

-Santiago swings at ball four to hit another sneaky groundout to second. I hate this team.

TOP OF THE EIGHTH

-Joaquin Benoit is the new Tiger pitcher as Leyland attempts to burn through the entire bullpen tonight. Guess that’s why Ortega was called up. Lonnie Chisenhall is the first hitter and he pops out to Jhonny.

-Coo Coo Ca Choo strikes out as I am beginning to lose steam here. (Beginning to?)

-AsCab pops out on the first pitch to center. Good job by the pen tonight after Max’s terrible effort.

BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH

-Big Mig leads off against new Indians pitcher Vinnie Pestano. He swings at a terrible pitch and pops out to Asdrubal.

-Prince flies out to center on the first pitch. Not good.

-And it’s up to Delmon Young. (shudders) He flies out to right. Keep batting him fifth, Jim.

TOP OF THE NINTH

-Jose Valverde is in for Detroit.

/jumps out window

-I survived. Kipnis is the leadoff man and he grounds out to Little Ramon.

-Carlos Santana is next as I notice Valverde shaved off his blonde goutee thing. He did leave the blonde soul patch. Classy. Santana grounds out to Prince for the second out. Is this really Valverde pitching?

-Brantly hits one in the gap…BERRY LAYS OUT FOR IT! HOLY SHIT WHAT A CATCH! Inning over!

BOTTOM OF THE NINTH

-Boesch leads off against closer Chris Perez by grounding out to short. DFA him plz.

-Peralta hits one in the gap that is misplayed by Brantley and Jhonny ends up on third with a triple! Hooray for false hope!

-Kelly strikes out looking on three pitches. Sigh. And you all LOVE him.

-Two down for Holaday. Of course, he fouls out to the catcher. Game, set, fuck, match.

FINAL SCORE: INDIANS: 9, TIGERS: 6

Anyone else feel like we're sinking on The Titanic? Nothing is going right for this team. And no relief is in sight.

On that note, HAVE A NICE DAY! 

/drinks entire bottle of Bacardi

5 comments:

JD Crimson said...

Oh my god.  I died laughing.  This has to be the best thing I've read in years.

Jason Eakins said...

I have to say I absolutely love this site.  One bright light in the utter abysmal sea of horseshit that is tiger baseball this year.  Keep up the good work.

Sammy McLean said...

Scott you gotta keep doing this I genuinely laughed out loud at this shit. Quality stuff buddy.

Lori said...

I was at that game and you absolutely nailed it.  Exactly.  Bravo.

Andrew P said...

I just discovered your site a few weeks ago and you are making this miserable season just a little bit better.  Thanks for the commentary.  If only DD were listening to you.  Any chance he might make an appearance on the site to answer some of our questions about this painful season?