Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bill Simonson: A New Low in Stupidity

Obviously, the first third of the season has been frustrating for the Tigers and their fans. We all had high expectations for the team coming into 2012 and due to injuries, several players underperforming, some bad umpiring, and a lot of bad luck, the team sits four games under .500 and six games out of first place.

It sucks. And it’s normal to be upset about it. I even went off a bit last week. But most rational fans realize that considering all that’s gone wrong, the Tigers really aren’t that far out of the hunt. Two weeks of good baseball could turn it all around. The toughest part of the schedule is over with. Once the team gets healthy, things can’t help but improve. It’s still way too early to throw in the towel or do something drastic.

Granted, that is the thought process of the rational fan. Bill Simonson is not a rational fan. He is a pest, a moron, and the voice of the irrational poor sports fan. You know that fan. The one that wants to call up Nick Castellanos and put him at second base, despite his inexperience and having never played the position. The one that wants to put all the blame on a single player, whether it be Brandon Inge, Ryan Raburn, or whoever this week’s whipping boy is. And he’s the kind of fan that wants to fire Jim Leyland every other week.

I’ve ignored Simonson recently to help my personal sanity, but I couldn’t help cursing audibly this afternoon while reading his drivel. And with nothing better to write about today, I felt we should revisit the almighty “Troll King” once again and prove wrong everything he says. It’s not too difficult a task, to be honest.
The Detroit Tigers need a kick in the rear.
Yes. Kick them while they’re down. That’s always a good strategy. Just not too hard, Bill. We’ve got enough guys on the DL right now. We’re about two injuries away from Cale Iorg making his MLB debut. No one wants that.

Something must change soon. I never thought we would talk more about Tiger Woods winning in golf again than the Tigers’ inability to win a series.
You’re an idiot. The greatest golfer of all time wins a golf tournament now that his knee feels better. Who woulda seen that coming?*
*Everyone but Simonson

I have blamed manager Jim Leyland for six years.
I know. You’re the laziest of the lazy “sportswriters”. That’s the easy, ill-informed thing to do. And you do it with gusto. I wish a spider would lay eggs in the hole you urinate out of.
I don’t think there is anything else I need to point out about the man as an underachieving manager.
Indeed. He took a team that hadn’t seen the playoffs in 19 years to the World Series his first year in town. Last year, he led the team to their first divisional championship in 24 years. He took the Pirates to three straight NLCS appearances and won a World Series in Florida. He has won the Manager of the Year award three times.
What an underachieving scumbag that Leyland is. We should burn his house down and mutilate his family.

I’m watching Tigers drop like flies with injuries.
The starting left fielder, starting center fielder, both catchers, #2 starter, setup man, and closer have all been hurt in the past couple weeks. Victor Martinez hasn’t seen the field at all due to injury. Obviously, a better manager would have prevented this and won fifteen straight games in May.
Closer Jose Valverde looks like a reincarnation of Todd Jones meets Fernando Rodney.
So lazy. No easy Jason Grilli joke on the tip of your tongue?
Valverde has had back problems this season and I don’t think he’s well yet. If it keeps up, expect him to go on the DL, too.
The bottom of the Tigers’ lineup looks like they are pressing. Their collective lack of run production is beyond words.
Well, let me help you out, you wordless dunce. I’ll do so by borrowing from Josh Worn of Walkoff Woodward with the stat that the Tigers are 15-3 when scoring at least 5 runs. They are 10-26 when scoring less than five. Obviously, they need to score more. A blindfolded Richard Bernstein can see that.

Tigers ace Justin Verlander has lost three in a row. He actually looked uninspired Sunday, a rare sight for one of the hardest-working pitchers the game has seen. If I constantly got the run support Verlander did this season, I would start to lose hope.
On behalf of Tigers fans everywhere, allow me to thank Justin Verlander for not being a selfish, negative quitter like Bill Simonson is.

The Tigers have a defeatist, non-confident look to them outside of Quintin Berry, Miguel Cabrera and Prince Fielder.
Austin Jackson, Andy Dirks, Justin Verlander, Drew Smyly, and Duane Below all may be having good seasons, but they don’t look confident enough for Huge. No more smiling for cameras, boys!
Honestly, in the week he’s been doing his “sparkplug” act in the big leagues, does Quintin Berry really have the EYE OF THE TIGER that Jhonny Peralta is lacking? Of course not. I mean, Jeebus… 
The comedy show called "Second Base Platoon" is laughable. It looks as if Alex Avila and Jhonny Peralta had those career years a year ago. Brennan Boesch seems jumpy at the plate. What else can go wrong with this team?

They are not getting calls from umpires. Nothing is going their way. They bottled a little magic Saturday night against the New York Yankees even though Jose Valverde made a million guys in Michigan watching the game feel as if they were giving birth to a child.

Yes. They’ve had nothing but bad luck as the baseball gods continue to shower the team with their diarrhea on a daily basis. If only someone had a plan to get the team out of this. 
So the question is how do the Tigers turn this thing around? I have a plan.
Oh, good. This ought to be fun.

The good news is the Tigers play in the American League Central. The bad news is the Chicago White Sox look like the Tigers did last year.
Yes! Great plan! Let’s kill the White Sox players! I’ve got dibs on that prick AJ.
/sharpens ice pick

I think, if the Tigers fall to 8-10 games out of first place before the end of June, Leyland and his staff should be fired.
It would be a move with no risk involved. He has no contract beyond this season. If he was as highly thought of by management as some Leyland lovers think, then why wouldn’t he have years left on a deal?
I’m going to ignore you pointless speculative question and counter with a thought of my own. What good would firing Jim Leyland and all the coaches do? If Terry Francona were the Tiger manager would Austin Jackson be healthy? Would Doug Fister be able to throw without pain? Would Brennan Boesch stop swinging at pitches a foot outside of the strike zone? Would Delmon Young be celebrating Yom Kippur and have his head in the game more?
Of course not. You ignorant fucking shitbag.
Thus ends the month or so I’ve gone without cursing on this site. Fuck you, Simonson. You diseased cock dripping. I was doing so well at being a good boy.
You can’t fire a team, but showing Leyland the door might be the move this franchise needs.
Huh? Please explain.
There is no way this is a "We expected to be better next year" situation. No. This is a year filled with World Series expectations. At the end of the day, it is a multi-billion dollar business. If you don’t produce, you are shown the door.
You didn’t explain it. Imagine that. More screaming just to hear your own voice. Firing Leyland is not the answer.

If it can happen to Brandon Inge and Ryan Raburn, it can happen to Leyland. You do this to show the clubhouse they need to be better.
Oh, that’s just brilliant. Does Simonson really think that Young, Boesch, Peralta, and Avila are nine year old children? Delmon’s in a contract year. Peralta’s in an option year. Avila and Boesch are young players closing in on their first real paydays in the show. They know they need to perform. They’re all just unlucky enough to be slumping at the same time.
This has jack and squat to do with Jim Leyland. Good gawd.
Leyland seems halfway out the door anyway with his better-late-than-never comments about revelations about his team’s performance the first two months of the season.
Did you want him to panic and call the season over after two weeks like the idiot bandwagon mouth-breathers our fanbase has seemed to become infested with since the Fielder signing? Of course not.
If Leyland is let go, then Tom Brookens should take over for the rest of the season. He is a respected Tiger who managed well in the minor leagues.

Managed well, huh? Tom Brookens’ minor league managerial record:
2005 Oneonta: 48-27 (second place)
2006 Oneonta: 40-34 (sixth place)
2007 West Michigan: 83-57 (first place)
2008 Erie: 68-74 (eighth place)
2009 Erie: 71-70 (sixth place)
That isn’t exactly Joe Torre’s record with the Yankees, Bill. Be honest. You didn't even look it up, did you?

You let Bull Durham and A.J. Sager come up from Triple-A Toledo as the hitting and pitching coaches.

The Hens are 27-31, have scored 253 runs and allowed 254. Their team batting average is .247 and would be much lower if it weren’t for Brad Eldred killing the baseball. The team ERA isn’t horrible at 3.93, but the staff is walking almost five batters per game. Pitchers called up like Casey Crosby, Luke Putkonen, Adam Wilk, and Thad Weber have looked lost at the MLB level.

Of course you would want Durham and Sager brought up.

Those three know the players and team.

Really? Durham hasn’t coached Jackson, Cabrera, Fielder, Avila, Peralta, Young, Laird, Kelly, or Santiago. Boesch spent all of 15 games as a Mud Hen.

Verlander, Fister, Porcello, Scherzer, Valverde, Benoit, Dotel, and Coke were not products of Sager and the Mud Hens. They’ve only spent the occasional injury rehab start in Toledo, with the exception of Max’s short demotion early last year. Smyly made the jump from Double A.

They do not know these players. You’re talking out of your ass again. Get fucked with a wooden fence post.

It is the wakeup call this team needs if they don’t start playing like a World Series contender this month. The move also is a message to the fans and media the Tigers want to be World Champions again.

No. They need to get healthy. And if the five through nine hitters aren’t producing by July, it’s time to make some moves. Certainly, at least two of the five guys after Fielder in the order will be hitting by then. Delmon and Jhonny have shown signs of life lately. Avila, too, when not hurting.

But sure, you make a move or two at the deadline to improve and see what happens. It’s the AL Central, for crissakes. The White Sox are not the Rangers.

No matter if Leyland stays or goes, a veteran second baseman is needed now.

WHO? Who, you asshole? Name the guy that’s there for the taking. I’m begging you.

Give up what you must from the minor leagues to get an everyday veteran who stabilizes that position.

Castellanos and Turner for Ryan Theriot? DEAL!

A veteran starter and a bat for the bench also is needed. The closer situation has been a concern since opening day. Peralta and Avila must hit again. Boesch must re-discover his swing.

But I thought all these problems would be fixed by firing Leyland? I IZ CONFUZED.

The time is now for this team to pick it up. They must make moves and play with urgency. The Tigers are the most disappointing team in baseball this season.

/conveniently ignores Philadelphia, Boston, New York, and Milwaukee

Apathy from the fans is about a month away if the Tigers fall further behind the White Sox.

If the “fans” give up on the team in early July, they’re as worthless as you are.

Get rid of Leyland, coaches, under-producing players or inconsistent pitchers.

On June 5, 2012, Bill Simonson wants the team to dump their entire coaching staff, their starting right fielder, starting DH, starting shortstop, starting catcher, two-fifths of their starting rotation, all of their second basemen, and their closer. That’s what he just said in that sentence.

Think about that. This man is paid to talk and write about Detroit sports. Holy fucking shit.

I don’t care what or how they do it, but something must be done now to get this team playing the way we expected.

But firing the coaching staff and releasing two-thirds of the roster is something only a mental patient or a completely brain dead dipshit would think of.

Or if you’re Bill Simonson, it’s about par for the course.

(As I am posting this, I see that my friend @PhilCokesBrain has tackled the same Huge article. Stop by and enjoy his rant, too, if you like.)


Perry said...

This guy makes me glad I live in NC and follow the Tigers on extra innings. Check out the comments in the article. There are people that agree with him. I guess this is the kind of stuff web sites want.

kalinecountry said...

Another spot on story, exposing another shithook hack writer, and as Perry says, look at the comments, (I do at every site to get a feel of the fans' mind set), most all the Tigers blogs are all sharp, it is more the Detroit media sites, you get that cross section of society that makes you wonder if some of them breed within their families.

Christian said...

A good rant, but this line goes a bit too far: “A blindfolded Richard Bernstein can see that.”

B Ward said...

It went exactly as far as needed. Bravo Rogo.

Mark in Chicago said...

"Get rid of Leyland, coaches, under-producing players or inconsistent pitchers.

On June 5, 2012, Bill Simonson wants the team to dump their entire coaching staff, their starting right fielder, starting DH, starting shortstop, starting catcher, two-fifths of their starting rotation, all of their second basemen, and their closer. That’s what he just said in that sentence."

And this will somehow make the team better, according to Simonson.  Impeccable logic.

KevOB said...

Not the 1st Bernstien sight joke on this site and I'm sure it won't be the last

Cabfielander said...

 You know, that made so little sense, I think he just said it to piss people off.

PottyMouth said...

Jesus.. Where have I been?? I should have discovered this site years ago.  This has given me a hard-on like a BiBi Jones twitter photo...  Amen, from the guy who despises that "HUGE" resides in his town of Grand Rapids.

Marty Jones said...

Huge (Bill) will sometimes be fair and rational.  However, after a couple of losses he campaigns for Leyland's job on his daily radio program.  It is amazing how he and so many question JL's decisions.  However, they fail to point out all of the good decisions he makes.  Not only that, but I notice Bill approaches every game like it is a one game season ending sudden death playoff game.  He has no sense or feal that a manager must build a sense team unity by playing everyone, manage all of the egos, pull Berry for a couple of games against a tough left hander (i.e. Chris Sale) so he doesn't lose confidence etc ....

Marty Jones said...

Please help me counter some of his comments that he posts on his facebook page.  https://www.facebook.com/hugeshow