As you may have noticed, especially if you read the “Know Thy Enemy” posts, I like to make fun of other teams’ fanbases. It’s all meant in good fun. In reality, fans are fans. Every team has “good” fans and “bad” ones. Not every Red Sox fan is a racist douchebag. Not every Dodgers fan leaves the game in the sixth inning. And not every Yankee fan is a date rapist. (Yes they are.)
But the same applies to us Tiger fans. We have our good ones and yes, we have some annoying fans, too. If you don’t believe me, you’ve never seen people doing the wave in the ninth inning of a tied game at Comerica or read comments from people that agree with Bill Simonson’s ramblings.
But how can you tell what kind of fan YOU are? If you think about it, no one ever thinks they’re a bad fan. They’re oblivious and you yourself reading this might be one of them. Oh noes!
What I have done is come up with a simple twenty question multiple choice test that will help you realize what kind of fan you, in fact, are. Thank me later. So get a piece of paper, a Number 2 pencil, and get ready. There is no time limit, but I do ask that you answer honestly and choose the best answer possible.
Eyes on your own work! Let’s begin.
1. My favorite Detroit Tiger of all time is:
A) Bobby Higginson, Magglio Ordonez, Alan Trammell, Miguel Cabrera, Kirk Gibson, or Al Kaline
B) Don Kelly, Brandon Inge, or Will Rhymes
C) Another Tiger not mentioned
D) Don’t have one…they all suck! Especially Rayburn!
2. Use four words or less to describe Prince Fielder:
A) Great hitter, poor fielder
B) Fat, fat, fatty, fat
C) Good, but miss Victor
D) Overpaid! Fire DUMBrowski!
3. When I say the name “Randy Smith”, you:
A) Feel ill
B) Have no idea who I’m talking about
C) Think about some sad days in Detroit
D) Think he’d be better than DUMBrowski
4. The Wave:
A) May be the dumbest and most annoying thing in sports
B) Is awesome! I do it every game I go to!
C) Is fun for kids, I guess
D) Is what Rayburn does when he swings the bat lol
5. When I say Justin Verlander’s name, you think of:
A) The greatest Tiger pitcher you’ve ever seen
B) How it’s going to suck when he’s a Yankee
C) Strikeouts and no-hitters
D) How every other Tiger pitcher SUCKS and we should get a new pitching coach
6. My dream baseball commentary team is:
A) Kell and Kaline
B) Buck and McCarver
C) Harwell and Dickerson
D) Simonson and Sharp
7. My favorite Twitter account to follow is:
A) @suss2hyphens, @PhilCokesBrain, or maybe @DNR_Rogo
C) @matthewbmowery, @Stareagle, or @Chris_Iott
D) @Lynn_Henning or @TerryFoster971
8. If you had your way, the current Tigers manager would be:
A) Jim Leyland
B) Terry Francona
C) Alan Trammell
D) Anyone but SMOKEY
9. When you see this guy, you think:
A) Of a guy that can’t hit but can still play some late inning defense for you
B) Leadoff man
C) Decent utility guy
D) He’s better than Rayburn
10. Luke Scott and Joe Crede:
A) Haunt my dreams
B) Are good baseball players
C) Are mediocre players who have killed Detroit pitching
D) Are guys we should consider trading Turner for
11. Miguel Cabrera is:
A) The best Tiger hitter since Ty Cobb
B) A drunk
D) Okay but Dumbrowski got suckered into taking Dontrelle, too
12. Who, if anyone, from the ’84 team belongs in the Hall of Fame?
A) All are iffy, but I’ll say Darrell Evans
B) 1984? Was Kaline on that team?
C) Trammell, Whitaker, and/or Morris
D) They were all overrated. Just like today’s bums!
13. My favorite Tigers closer of all time was:
A) Henneman, Jones, or Valverde
C) Hernandez or Hiller
D) Trick question. They’ve never had a good one!
14. Quintin Berry:
A) Is a nice surprise that could be useful as a pinch runner and spare outfielder
B) Is better than strikeout machine Jackson!
C) Is fast. I like him.
D) Should be our everyday leadoff guy. And isn’t it Quentin?
15. Nick Castellanos should be:
A) A very good addition to the 2014 lineup if all goes well
B) Our second baseman right now
C) Kept in the minors until we’re sure he’s ready
D) Traded for a second baseman
16. Which ex-Tiger do you feel didn’t get a fair shake in Detroit?
A) Scott Sizemore
B) Brandon Inge
C) David Pauley
D) Will Rhymes
17. Who is your least favorite Tiger?
A) Daniel Schlereth
B) Miguel Cabrera
C) Delmon Young
18. Jennifer walks into the Tigers team store and ten minutes later walks out wearing a shirsey with BOESCH on the back. What can we infer about Jennifer?
A) She is overweight, has low self-esteem, and/or doesn’t know anything about baseball
B) She has good taste in players
C) She likes Brennan Boesch
D) She is Smokey Leyland’s daughter lol
19. This is Austin Jackson. He makes you:
A) Excited about the present and future of Tigers baseball
B) Want to puke with all his strikeouts
C) Proud to have him on the Tigers
D) Miss Curtis Granderson. WORST TRADE EVER
20. Ryan Raburn is:
A) A flawed player that is prone to extremely hot and cold streaks
B) The worst player ever!
C) Not very good.
D) Spelled wrong? I thought it was Rayburn. He sucks.
So…how did you do? Take a look at your answers.
If the majority of your answers are “A”, you are AWESOME. Get a hold of me and we can watch a game together sometime. Also, if you’re female, I would like to buy you shiny things and
awkwardly grope you get to know you better. But if you own a pink jersey of any kind, forget about it. I’m not interested in catching herpes.
If the majority of your answers are “B”, you are the worst and are currently in the wrong place. Stick to Yahoo or the newspaper sites because I don’t think we will get along. Better yet, go to the store, buy a gallon of bleach, and drink it as quickly as possible. Also, please stop doing the wave.
If the majority of your answers are “C”, you’re a good, decent fan and I’m happy to have you as a reader at DesigNate Robertson. High five. Enjoy the rest of the season and hopefully we can still salvage things, right?
If the majority of your answers are “D”, do not pass “Go”, do not collect $200, just stick to this site linked here. They would love to hear from you in the comments section. Tell Chris, James, and everyone I said hello while you’re misspelling players names and driving them crazy while spewing your nonsense. You may also want to seek professional help.
Thank you for taking the time to take this test. If you’re upset at the results, I suggest you lighten up or possibly become a Yankee fan. You’ll probably be more comfortable around your own kind anyway.