Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Answering the Questions of the Troll King

Thanks to everyone for the mostly positive feedback to yesterday’s Tiger Fan Quiz. I appreciate it and am glad to see so many people willing to not always take this game so seriously.

And due to the quiz, I had to wait a day before getting into our weekly visits with Bill Simonson’s work at mLive. This week, “The King of Trolls” has questions for several Detroit and Michigan sports figures (plus Tiger Woods?). With these men being way too important and/or classy to indulge our favorite local idiot, I am happy to do so since I am neither important and/or classy.

So pull out your Tums and get your facepalms ready. It’s HUGE time.

With summer fast approaching, I have put together my summer of 2012 bucket list on things I need to get done:

Stop the press. As I understand it, a “bucket list” is a list of things you want to do before you die or “kick the bucket”. Did Huge finally get the deadly Mongolian testicle AIDS I’ve been wishing on him?

Oh, thank you Jesus, Allah, Buddah, Satan, Mohammad, Shiva, Ra, Zeus, Higgy, or whatever mystical granter of wishes finally listened to me! I owe you a Coke.

1. I want to set up a lunch with Jim Leyland.

As the man in charge of multiple restaurant/bar type places in Southeast Michigan/Northwest Ohio, I would like to immediately offer up one of my establishments for this luncheon. I will even take care of the tab. I just want to be there when Jim puts a lit cigarette out in your eye, Bill.

I need to tell him to please stop using just called up minor league players in game changing situations.

Yeah. Use one of the injured players. Or the guy who has thrown three days in a row. Better to get him hurt, too, than use a fresh arm.

If Leyland could plan it out in advance, don’t you think he’d rather use Jose Ortega in a 12-1 blowout than in a tight situation? I admit, I was grumpy about it at the time, too, but I didn’t know that Old Man Dotel’s arm had fallen off yet. The options were quite limited, other than bringing in Valverde much earlier than anyone would like to see. Injuries and bullpen usage are a bitch.

I will also ask Jimbo why he loves to just throw away 10-15 games a year because of some of his idiotic late game pitching and player moves.

I will throw in ten free alcoholic beverages of your choice to see Leyland’s response to this.

10-15 games, huh? Is this a stat on that I’ve somehow missed? Try listing examples of “throwing away games” with explanations of what should have been done instead. Just once.

I may also ask him why he takes out hitters like Boesch late in the game who have homered and are 3-4 in the game when the game is still on the line.

Boesch. You mean the guy who was 2 for 38 coming into June 7th’s game? Boesch. The guy so terrible on defense that he makes Delmon Young look like Austin Jackson? Boesch. The guy that always gets lifted for a defensive replacement when the Tigers lead late in games due to being so dreadful in the field?

He takes him out because it gives the team the best chance to win. A dead chipmunk knows this.

I have a whole bucket, and then some, full of huge opinions for old Jimbo.

Yes. And they are all asinine. And you share them nearly every week. Come up with something new or something that is actually a logical point and we can finally stop having these little talks.

From here, Bill moves on to Michigan football, the Red Wings, the Lions, and then Tiger Woods for some reason. As a Notre Dame fan, a non-hockey guy, a Bears fan, and a Mickelson supporter, I’ll do my best here for poops and giggles. My apologies if I get anything wrong.

2. Go bowl a couple of games with Brady Hoke.

I kind of like the idea of Leyland bowling better for some reason. Oh well.

I need to educate him on how the MSU football game is now bigger to Wolverine football than the Ohio State game.

As someone that has worked in sports bars in both Ohio and Michigan for over a decade, I know this statement to be more idiotic than Snooki giving a speech on health care reform. Michigan fans want to beat and humiliate the Buckeyes more than they want oxygen. Ohio State fans are the same way, except they can’t spell “humiliate”. If Michigan beats MSU and then falls to OSU, the fans I’ve met would consider the season a failure. Michigan could lose all their games before beating the Bucks and many of the same fans would be happy.

Sadly, as an Irish fan, I know nothing about what winning a big game feels like. So I could be wrong here.

It used to be the path to the Rose Bowl went through the Buckeyes. Now if you don’t beat the Spartans in your own division chances are you’re not getting to the Big Ten Championship game, which means Brady isn’t smelling Roses.

Alabama lost to LSU last year in the SEC before getting their revenge and a National Championship at the end of the year. If Michigan loses to the Spartans, but wins all their other games, I find it unlikely that MSU runs the table and plays in the Rose Bowl while Hoke and company get stuck playing a MAC team in Wichita. Of course MSU is going to be important every year with the new setup, but more important than beating the Buckeyes?

Also, did I miss something? Did Hoke make an announcement that he only cares about the OSU game? Is this coming from somewhere other than Huge’s giant, confused head? And does Bill realize that shady-ass Urban Meyer is going to have OSU back in the top five of the NCAA in no time?

I will say it’s Michigan’s biggest rivalry game but not the most important game on the schedule. I will also tell Brady that the only way he beats Alabama in the opener is to let Robinson run wild.

The only way Michigan beats Alabama is if the Tide’s plane crashes into a mountain on the way to Dallas. And of course Robinson running wild will be the strategy. It’s Michigan’s strategy every game.

I hope Brady Hoke agrees to go bowling with you. And you’re standing outside the alley waiting. And waiting. And he never shows. And you don’t give up waiting for hours. And the sad “Incredible Hulk” music plays as you slowly walk to your car. It would make my cold, black heart beat again for the first time in a while.

3. I may buy my own plane ticket to Sweden just to tell Nick Lidstrom how classy he was and is.

Christ. Just send him an email. Stalker.

It just starting to settle in that this guy is done with the Wings. He is to hockey what Jeter is to baseball.

The most overrated player in the history of the sport? Sexual conqueror of the city’s attention starved tramp stamp clan? That’s not nice. Lidstrom doesn’t deserve that.

The full page ad the captain took out in the Detroit papers to say goodbye was as about as classy of a move I’ve ever seen from an athlete.

Bobby Higginson did the same thing years ago. Don’t act like Nick just donated a kidney to an anonymous Wings fan.

With the new look NHL salary cap era we will never again see a Wing in the same jersey for 21 straight years. To have Stevie Y and Lidstrom together in our generation is truly a blessing from the sports Gods on the good people of Michigan.

While you’re kissing the ass of the sports Gods, can you do me a favor and tell them to eat shit and die for the 2012 Tigers season so far? And 2003, 2008, Game 163, Joel Zumaya’s arm, and so many more things? And Lions football, I guess. And why don’t they love the Eastern Michigan Eagles more?

4. I need to confirm a golf date at Oakland Hills with Jim Schwartz.

I’m surprised you don’t want to go to go bowling with him. Does Schwartz have an obscene bowling handicap or something?

I love this guy.

Until the Lions lose a couple games. Then you’ll be wanting to have one of your mean lunches with him.

When he wins he’ll be the Tom Izzo of pro football.

I don’t know what this means. Will the Lions be good at teaching rebounding? If I were a Lions fan, I’d want Schwartz to develop into a Belichick or a Parcells.

Schwartz continues to grow into his role as one of the saviors of the Lions franchise.

I tend to give more credit to Stafford, Megatron, and Suh…but whatever. Yay, guy with clipboard!

His leadership and people skills are real.

Just ask Jim Harbaugh! And Nick Fairley seems to be doing well with Jim’s leadership.

He is already the most popular coach with the fan base the Lions have ever had.

That’s like being the most popular of Hitler’s commanding officers. Hail Fontes!

I have no doubt he will help get the Lions a Super Bowl trophy within three years if not this year.

/spit take

This year?

Yes, I said this year.

Oh. Yikes.

With the best offense in pro football

Did the previously mentioned sports Gods give the Lions a running game when I was taking a dump this morning? Did the Saints get contracted? Damn you, Goodell.

the defense will just need to get some stops for the Lions to win it all.

That’s it, huh? So simple! That’s some hard-hitting logic and analysis, Bill. You’ve got me convinced.

/bets life savings on Lions not winning Super Bowl in 2013

5. I need to call Tiger Woods. I think I still have his number. I want to thank him for making me watch the PGA Tour again. I also will sit down with him and let him know that if he can win a major this summer most fans will be back on his bandwagon again.
The moral high ground most took is full of hypocrites who hide behind their religious beliefs that are based on forgiveness.
I have always felt what Tigers Woods did was his personal business. He isn’t a crook or felon. He still loves his children. Sure, he may be a tough interview or autograph, but who isn’t when they’re that big?

90% of athletes including Lidstrom. As long as you're nice about it. Oh, sorry. Go on.

He was hated because some of you hate your lives and seized the moment to bury Tiger’s golf career and life for good.

Hear that, folks? Tiger Woods wasn’t hated for cheating on his wife with every set of tits he happened to meet. He wasn’t hated for seeming like such a phony every time he opened his mouth. He was hated by you because you hate your lives.

Good gawd. People don't hate Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens because they hate their lives. They hate them because they're liars and jerks. Same as Tiger, by many accounts.

But whatever. Maybe Bill is right.

You all should be ashamed.

His swagger is back. If his putter and driver stabilize the rest of the summer Tiger will dominate again.

Yeah, putting and driving are kind of important. A decent chip shot, too. But the key to professional golf is swagger. Surprised you didn’t know that. Probably too busy hating yourselves.

I’ll end this a bit early because Huge takes up the rest of the column talking about his five kids and what a great dad he is. Make your own jokes here, if you wish, but I’m not going to attack the man’s family.

But I’ll continue to attack him. Until he stops or decides to make an intelligent point for once.


H2OPoloPunk said...

"Michigan fans want to beat and humiliate the Buckeyes more than they want oxygen."

You just described the UF vs UGA rivalry, in contrast to FSU, perfectly. We don't give a shit about that former women's school -- any true Gator wants to kill the Bulldogs every.single.year.

Another good piece Rogo. 

cj said...

You can never beat stupid. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. 

Russell White said...

I believe the Jim Leyland losing 10-15 games a year comes from the little known Also included is some "Rayburn" who has never had a hit, and every time he swings he kills multiple homeless children.

Anonymous said...

+1 cj

Ryan Healy said...

In letter, you're correct. But remember, the dude's sandbox is MLive.

For troll-hunting the reward is not in the certainty of the kill, but the thrill of the pursuit.  There is much bigger game out there.

FreezyCT said...

no offense to you rogo, but bobby higginson and nick lidstrom are on two completely different levels...both on and off their respective playing grounds

Cabfielander said...

LOL Never get tired of these!

Ricklehman said...

Rogo, as I've stated before, Huge emulates Skip Bayless.  Both phonies.  As far as you being a Notre Dame you feel sorry for Jerry Sandusky?

PottyMouth said...

You literally just made me stand up at my computer and clap... Simonson is the most uneducated goatee to ever use a keyboard and press send