Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Minnesota Twins


The Tigers have finally finished their long 342 game road trip with an amazing comeback victory over the White Sox. And exactly who drove in 4 of the Tigers 10 runs and hit a home run along the way? Ryan Raburn, that’s who! I want each and every one of you to silently thank Ryno for being a part of this team, even for just one day. Do it…no one’s looking.

With that out of the way, the team is back at .500 and looking at a stretch where 8 of the next 11 games are against the lowly Twins and Pirates. Today’s 8 run 6th inning might be what it takes to finally get this team playing the way we all expected them to.

But first, we take a look at those small-ball loving, funny-talking, Metrodomeless Twinkies of Minnesota.

FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
Joe Mauer
-4 time All-Star

-3 time Gold Glove winner

-3 time AL batting champion

-2009 AL MVP

-Attended same high school that Paul Molitor went to

-Only struck out once in four years of high school baseball

-First overall pick of 2001 MLB Draft

-Has modeled for Perry Ellis and done commercials for Head & Shoulders, Pepsi, and Gatorade

-His sideburns are rumored to be hypnotic

-Engaged to his longtime girlfriend, Maddie Bisanz…sorry, ladies

-Snap your fingers three times. That's what Joe's knees are beginning to sound like already.

-Owed $23 million per season through 2019, assuring us that the Twins will not be able to afford talent for a while

TEAM STRENGTH

The Twins are pretty much useless, other than their annoying habit of giving the Tigers fits. This trend has gone down quite a bit since the move away from the abortion known as The Metrodome.

OLD FRIENDS

-Lester Oliveros (minors)

-Clete Thomas

WORST ENEMY
Carl Pavano

Pavano, for his career, is 5-4 with a 4.32 ERA against the Tigers. That doesn’t seem like anything to be scared of, but for a while the team just couldn’t hit the guy for some reason. And I’ve never forgiven him for that. Well, that and the stupid mustache he was sporting for a while.

On an unrelated note, the fact that Pavano was the object of a recent extortion attempt by a guy that claimed to be Carl’s lover in high school is hysterical to me because I’m an awful person.

FANBASE

-Great-great-great grandchildren descendants of Viking rape

-Canadian illegal aliens

-Bored hockey fans

-Prince (I assume)

-Zero black people (other than Prince, I assume)

-Kent Hrbek’s family

OVERALL

The Twins are terrible. They are currently 10-25, which is approaching a 2003 Tigers level of being bad at baseball. If you pitch around Josh Willingham, everyone else in the lineup has a good chance of weakly grounding out to shortstop. Carl Pavano has the best ERA of all of their starters at 5.14. They are the worst team in baseball.

So expect us to split with them because the Baseball Gods seem to take a dump on the city of Detroit every other day as of late.

5 comments:

Trout Jefferson said...

They're on pace for 46-116.

Damn, they ARE 2003 level Tigers bad.

H2OPoloPunk said...

If they break the 2003 Tigers' AL recor for futility (and the Mets' MLB record), it would bring much joy to my heart. A) Because then the Tigers wouldn't have that distinction anymore and B) becuase it's the fucking Twins, and I've hated the fucking Twins since 1987. 

ChaunceyD said...

Fuck the Twins and their homer-hankie waving, frostbite having, lutekefish eating Randy Moss coveting fans.  Kirby Puckett was a rapist, and God punished him with eye AIDs.

William Westbrook said...

Upon reflection, I'd take a split.

Damian56xx said...

House Rep and conservative fundie  whackjob Michele Bachmann also hails from frigid Minny, she who apparently suffers from frostbite of the brain, likely as a result of too many sub-zero winters, since it was revealed last year that she occasionally goes into zoned-out brain-lock and must rest and recover for at least  few days as a result.