Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Cleveland Indians

It seems as long as the Tigers can count on the starting pitchers to throw a one-hitter or a 15 strikeout game, they have a good chance at winning. That shouldn’t be too hard to keep up.

In reality, for all the DOOM and GLOOM surrounding the team thus far, they remain only 3 games out of first place in the AL Central. And wouldn’t you know it, Tuesday they start a 3 game series with the division leading Indians.

If you were going to give the United States an enema, you would stick the hose into Cleveland. So let’s take a look at the Tribe very, very carefully, okay?

FACE OF THE FRANCHISE

Grady Sizemore

Sure, Carlos Santana, Asdrubal Cabrera, Justin Masterson, Shin-Soo Choo, and a healthy Travis Hafner are all better players at this point. But Cleveland is still the town of Grady’s Ladies, despite Sizemore not having a good season since 2008 due to injury and/or falling in love with the long ball. He has yet to play this season and began the year on the 60 day disabled list. Everyone in the world saw this coming, except the Indians who gave Grady yet another $5 million this year to not play.

-3 time All-Star

-2 time Gold Glove winner

-2008 Silver Slugger (30/30 man that year, too)

-Drafted in 3^rd round of the 2000 MLB Draft by Montreal. That was the draft where the Tigers used their #8 overall pick on future pitching legend Matt Wheatland. Amazing how that didn’t work out.

-Was traded in 2002 by the Expos with Cliff Lee, Brandon Phillips, and Lee Stevens for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew in the dumbest trade ever. Way to go, Expos.

-Enjoys taking nude pics of himself with his cell phone. See here if you’re into that sort of thing.

-Despite not playing in a game yet this season, still leads the league in date rape. *

*This may not be true.

TEAM STRENGTH

Bullpen. The Racist Logos sport in impressive group of guys they can throw at you once you knock one of their questionable starters out of the game. Chris Perez, Tony Sipp, Joe Smith, Vinnie Pestano, and Rafael Perez are all quality arms. Plus, veterans Jeremy Accardo and Dan Wheeler, while not pitching well currently, have all enjoyed success in the past.

So if the Tigers want to maximize their chances at winning, they need to score early and often.

OLD FRIENDS

-Jack Hannahan

-Johnny Damon (and his wife)

-Bruce Fields (hitting coach, played for Tigers in ’86)

WORST ENEMY

Jason Kipnis

Why is a guy with only 77 career MLB games under his belt the worst enemy? Easy. He’s an annoying little turd. Kipnis, in 7 games against Detroit, is hitting .300 with a homer and 6 runs scored. Sure, Asdrubal Cabrera is a whiner and probably belongs here more, but the SCRAPPY Kipnis annoys me to death.

-Second round pick of Cleveland in the 2009 MLB Draft

-2010 Indians Minor League Player of the Year

-Attended University of Kentucky. Thus, a douchebag.

-First career hit was a walkoff single against the Angels.

-Only Indian second baseman in history to homer in four straight games

-Nickname is “Dirtbag” due to his uniform getting dirty all the time. SCRAPPY, A GAMER, GRITTY, A THROWBACK, WILL RHYMES’ LONG-LOST BROTHER, ETC…

-Ugh.

FANBASE (Trust me, I live in Ohio.)

-Bandwagon jerks. Just ask Chris Perez. He’ll tell you.

-Whiners

-Fat

-Alcoholics

-Only fans in baseball that hate Edgar Renteria more than Tigers fans 

 

-All own at least one Tim Couch jersey they’re too lazy to throw out

-No confidence in team. Always expect the worst. Randy Quaid’s character in Major League II was amazingly accurate.

-Drew Carey

-Jerry “The King” Lawler

-That idiot beating the drum in the outfield

OVERALL

The Indians are frauds. I know it. You know it. Their idiot fans know it.

Now would be a perfect time for the Tigers to wake up and show that they know it, too.

I feel I may have been a bit harsh on the Tribe here due to my undying hatred of their ballclub. I have to admit, though, Jacobs Field Progressive Field is my favorite MLB stadium that I’ve had the pleasure of visiting. No sarcasm there, it's a wonderful place. Here’s a picture of me and my idiot Tribe friend Brian in the snow at Opening Day there a few years ago.

See? I can be nice. Great stadium.

Wasted on a team of failures and their awful, awful fanbase.

Well, I tried…