Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Boston Red Sox

How is it possible that twice now, I’ve forgotten to do a Know Thy Enemy on the Sawx this year? They’re my favorite team to make fun of. How shameful of me.

Anyway, the Tigers dropped Game One of this series due to the OBVIOUS EVIL UMPIRE CONSPIRACY against Detroit. Jim Leyland is right. I blame Lynn Henning for umpires being terrible. Drew Sharp, too. Those jerks.

But Verlander pitches tonight so all is right in the world. And while all is right, we shall make jokes about Boston and their ridiculous fanbase.

FACE OF THE FRANCHISE

Dustin Pedroia

-Three time All-Star

-2007 AL Rookie of the Year

-2008 AL MVP

-2 time Gold Glove winner

-Drafted by Boston in the second round of the 2004 MLB Draft. This, of course, is the draft where the Tigers selected Justin Verlander with their first round pick. But in the second round, with Pedroia on the board, Detroit took right-handed pitcher Eric Beattie who appeared in 49 games, never above A-ball, was done by 2007, and finished with a career minor league ERA of 8.06. I’m amazed they drafted Verlander at all with such a talent like Beattie there for the taking in the first.

-Perfect for the Boston fans. Above average skills and white. As long as you have those two qualities in Boston, you’ll be a favorite of the fanbase for life. Well, at least the “white” part. They loved Brian Daubach for some reason.

-Has a career batting average of .229 against Detroit, his lowest against any MLB team. However, he does have three career homers against guys currently in the Tigers organization: Scherzer, Dotel, and Oliver.

-Former Keebler elf

-Can really put back the drinks. See? What a WICKED PISSAH!

"Twisted Teas fahh ahhhll!"

-Once called his hometown of Woodland, California a “dump” and a city that never embraced him. What a cry-tit.

TEAM STRENGTH

Hitting. Even while battered with injuries, these guys just punish baseballs from top to bottom in the lineup. Too bad they can’t pitch said baseballs.

OLD FRIENDS

-Andrew Miller

-Cody Ross (injured)

WORST ENEMY

Nick Punto

(Pic found via google search. Whoever made it is awesome.)

Nick Punto is like the paper cut that never heals. He doesn’t do anything too terrible, but he’s just an annoying little prick. He was part of those Twins ballclubs that used to give the Tigers fits for some reason no one could ever figure out.

-Attended Saddleback College. Insert gay cowboy joke here.

-At the end of 2013, will have earned nearly $18 million by playing baseball, despite his career OPS+ of 75. What a world.

-When looking up his career numbers against Detroit, I expected to see Luke Scott/Joe Crede numbers for some reason. However, he’s only hit .250 against the Tigers for his career with 0 homers. He does, however, somehow have 44 walks (14.1% of his career walks) and 25 RBI (11.4% of his career RBI) against them.

-Most of his damage vs. Detroit came against Nate the Patron Saint. Punto hit Robertson to the tune of a .357 average (10 for 28). But to give Nate some credit, he amazingly held the previously mentioned Pedroia to a 2 for 13 clip.

FANBASE

-Denis Leary

-Steven Wright

-Stephen King

-Affleck and Damon

-Jake Gyllenhaal (more gay cowboy jokes)

-Kenny Chesney

-Steven Tyler (who looks more like a bag lady with AIDS every day)

-Dane Cook (big surprise)

-Mark Wahlberg (ditto)

-ESPN

-Every other (white) celebrity that’s not a Yankee fan

-The KKK

-Drunk Massholes that didn’t know the Patriots existed until 2001

-Severe penis envy of Yankee fans

-95% Irish (99.2% white)

-Obligatory trashy-but-not-in-a-good-way girl shot

OVERALL

The Tigers haven’t won in Boston since July of 2010 after losing Monday and dropping both games there in 2011. The winning pitcher that day was Robbie Weinhardt, of all people. Hopefully, Verlander can erase that with another dominating effort tonight.

But nothing is going to go right until they start hitting. And beating up on the dreadful Twins does not even come close to counting. Boston’s pitching isn’t much better, but wins against SAWX NATION somehow always feel better than most others.