Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How To Vastly Improve "Tigers Weekly"

I may have a serious obsession with Tigers baseball. I’m not sure if it’s healthy or not.

For a couple years now, I’ve written on this silly blog 3-7 times per week about Detroit baseball. I spend way more time than is probably normal thinking about the stupid team throughout the day (What’s wrong with the lineup, who can contribute from Toledo, can I get away with murdering Boesch, etc). Even today, when my boss used the words “mute point”, I immediately decided this is how it must feel to work for Rod Allen.

So you’d think that a show called “Tigers Weekly” would appeal to me. I mean, it’s a weekly show about the Tigers on FSD. But you’d be wrong. I can’t stomach five minutes of it without wanting to stab out my eyes with a steak knife. It’s boring, it’s unwatchable, and it’s usually an insult to the viewer’s intelligence.

Fluff piece after fluff piece. Crap that has nothing to do with the Tigers. At least they finally quit showing the Prince Fielder/Miguel Cabrera interview after 1000 viewings. But does anyone watching a show called “Tigers Weekly” really care about say, some little league team in a Detroit suburb? No. We want to know why Delmon Young can’t take a goddamn pitch. We want to know how Andy Dirks’ neck got so freakishly big. We want to know why Luke Putkonen still exists on the ballclub.

I feel they could easily improve the show with minimal effort. Why not turn “Tigers Weekly” into a once a week roundtable discussing the past week of Tigers baseball? Would that be too much to ask? You’d have a host, a panel of 3-4 ex-Tigers, and a list of topics. Simple.

But who should host? I have a list of candidates.

1. Dan Dickerson-Knowledgeable, great voice, watches every game and notices everything. Seriously, I think I could be entertained by listening to Dan read a phonebook.

2. Mario Impemba-Like Dan, but not so much in each category.

3. Ryan Field (or Keating, York, etc)-Like Mario, but not so much in each category.

4. ME! That’s right, FSD. Hire me to host this show. I know baseball, I work cheap, I find myself HYSTERICAL, and I’ll ask the tough questions. (Seriously, guys. Why in the name of Gary Sheffield’s shriveled testicles would Leyland bat Kelly leadoff? DISCUSS!)

5. The FSD girls. I’m sure they’re qualified for the job. Why else would they have been hired?

Whatever. Get a weekly host and surround him with retired Tigers. And I’m not talking about brain-dead morons like Bondo (though that might be funny in a sick way). I’m talking about smart guys that may be even still involved with the team. Al Kaline and Willie Horton come to mind. Fly Todd Jones in once a week. He’s intelligent, funny, and still loves Detroit. Bring in Kenny Rogers a couple times. Offer Higginson a hooker (or a FSD girl) to make an appearance. Even have Lynn Henning come in and let the ex-players call him names. There’s an endless selection of guys that would work. And if they’re not available, bring in Craig Monroe, Jim Price, and Rod Allen to talk into the wrong camera while answering questions incorrectly.

My point is, anything is better than the current incarnation of “Tigers Weekly”. I’d even settle for a cooking show starring Gene Lamont and Lloyd McClendon.

Make this happen, FSD. It’s not like the actual ballclub’s been very entertaining thus far.


Phil Coke's Brain said...

If you host, I wanna co-host.

SRogo said...

Of course.

skitchbeatz said...

That cooking show sounds particularly interesting.

Jordan Chambers said...

Hey Longtime reader, you're the man. I am going to be the summer intern at FSD starting in about two weeks. I will suggest these ideas to my supervisors! More of the FSD girls can only help. haha. 

Paulbakosnumberonefan said...

I'd buy that for a dollar.

H2OPoloPunk said...

My suggestion: "Gum Time" hosted by none other than Nate Robertson. 

eFritz said...

Good take on possible solutions, but PLEASE no more Craig Monroe!

Biff Mayhem said...

 I don't think that's a good idea. When the floor director points at the correct camera, you'd just end up pointing up.

Tracy Babb said...

I always love reading these posts that pertain to FSD.  I don't live in the Detroit area and I get the games on MLB.TV so I don't actually get to see any of the things that happen outside the games, like the Fielder/Cabrera interview or the Rod Allen commercial.  I just get to read your posts about them and laugh.

Ghost of 2009 ALC Tie-Breaker said...

"Even though it was 'just' a one-hitter".....I was hoping that after JV turned his head to scoff at her that he was going to walk away and not finish the interview. 

My blood pressure might actually be higher during the Q & A portion of broadcasts than when I'm watching nervously for who is getting sent to warmup in the bullpen.

I don't mind Monroe so much; he's likeable enough and loves Detroit; I think he'll adjust to it and do well.  I bet HE wouldn't use the phrase "just a one-hitter".

Jay Hathaway said...

 What type of internship, if you don't mind me asking?  I'm looking for a fall internship for PR.

Jay Hathaway said...

Not Keating, please.  That guy is like the bastard love-child of Kathy Lee Gifford and a used car salesman, raised by a drunken news anchor/hairspray enthusiast.