Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Sesame Street Gets an Unwelcome Visitor
ELMO: And “cookies” is the pwural of “cookie”. Aren’t pwurals fun?
COOKIE MONSTER: Me LOVE plural cookies!
ELMO: But pwurals aren’t just for cookies, boys and girls. Oh, no. If there is more than one twuck, we say there are TWUCKS. If Elmo have more than one penny, Elmo has PENNIES. It’s vewwy simple!
VOICE OFF SCREEN: Not so cotton pickin’ fast, Elmo…
ELMO: Look, boys and girls. It’s Wynn Henning of the Detwoit News!
COOKIE MONSTER: Me no like Lynn Henning. Lynn a girl’s name.
HENNING: And you eat too much. Like Prince Fielder. Fatty. Eat a salad, pal. Now Elmo, I heard you talking about plurals to the kids at home.
ELMO: That’s right, Wynn.
HENNING: Well, in my line of work it’s not as simple as that. Take the baseball stat concerning “Runs Batted In”. How would you abbreviate that?
ELMO: That easy. RBI.
HENNING: Well, you’re wrong. If I say Don Kelly had two RBI in the game today, that would be wrong.
ELMO: Because Don Kelly is tewwible?
HENNING: No. Because we should say RBI’s. Not RBI. It drives me nuts.
ELMO: But Wynn, that makes no sense. We don’t say Runs Batted Ins. Why would we say RBI’s?
HENNING: Well using “RBI” as a plural is just wrong. It’s like saying Babe Ruth hit 60 “homer” in 1927.
ELMO: No it not. That like comparing apples and oranges. Even Cookie Monster knows that.
COOKIE MONSTER: That true. I retarded and even I know that.
HENNING: If you’re being spawned by a quest to be technically correct, then fine. Then say RsBI. The plural CANNOT be implied!
ELMO: No one says RsBI. That’s silly talk. But what about wins and losses? They are abbreviated by “W” and “L”. Wuns are “R”. Hits are “H”. Pwease don’t confuse Elmo and the boys and girls, Wynn.
HENNING: Well, you’re wrong. And nothing you will say will convince me that you’re right.
/sticks out tongue at Elmo
ELMO: Why you here, Wynn? You make Elmo and the boys and girls sad.
HENNING: Then my job is done. THAT is my job.
COOKIE MONSTER: Go away. Unless you have cookies?
HENNING: I’m leaving, I’m leaving. I have a column to write. Perhaps today I’ll remind the Tiger fans that despite being 4-0, they have ZERO wins against their AL Central counterparts! That’ll show em!
ELMO: But they no play the AL Central yet.
HENNING: Quiet! My job is done here. Farewell!
COOKIE MONSTER: Me no like him at all. How we abbreviate Lynn Henning?
ELMO: D.I.C.K. Can you say that, boys and girls?