Tuesday, the Tigers begin a series with the Tampa Bay Rays. No longer the Devil Rays (because the word “Devil” apparently frightened their elderly fanbase), the Tampa franchise was founded in 1998 where they finished in last place nine of their first ten years in existence. A decade of high draft picks finally made them into quite the decent team since 2007 and they’re one of the favorites to win the AL East this year.
Here’s all you need to know about the Rays.
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
-3 time All-Star
-2 Gold Gloves
-1 Silver Slugger
-Hates talking about Eva Longoria
-On 3/8/11, had his ’67 Corvette stolen in Arizona. On 3/28/11, had his AK-47 rifle stolen in Florida from teammates’ David Price and Reid Brignac’s rental property. Thus, he cannot be trusted with anything valuable.
-Self-taught drummer that has own drum kit at Tropicana Field. I bet he loves Nickelback.
-In February, confirmed he was dating ex-Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson.
/does immediate google search
I hate you, Longoria. But well done, sir.
Starting pitching. Shields, Price, Hellickson, Moore, and Niemann might be the best 1-5 group in baseball. Getting to them early is the key to beating Tampa who has a less than stellar group in the bullpen. Fernando Rodney’s their best option right now, for crissakes. Speaking of which…
Kyle Farnsworth (injured)
Will Rhymes (minors)
Wow. I hated them all when they played for us other than Joyce. Nicely done, Tampa.
Luke Fucking Scott
If you’ve never woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after seeing the evil Luke Scott’s face in your dreams, I envy you. This otherwise unknown journeyman outfielder is a Tiger killer. Here are his career numbers against the Tigers:
-.358/.488/.896, 1.384 OPS
-vs Nate Robertson: 3/3, 2B, 2 RBI, 4 BB
Luke’s even 4/14 with a homer and 5 RBI against Justin Verlander. Basically, if Scott played all his games against the Tigers, he would be a first ballot Hall of Famer. It boggles the mind.
Also, Scott is a serious firearms enthusiast and critic of President Obama. In the crazy Obama Birth Certificate fiasco of 2010, Scott was quoted as saying “I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go -- within 10 minutes -- to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, 'See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.' The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn't answer anything. And why? Because he's hiding something.”
I would mutilate the Easter Bunny to hear who Luke Scott thinks killed JFK.
-The surviving members of the Greater St. Pete’s Retirement Center
-Around eleven other folks older than Don Zimmer
The Rays starting staff makes them a dangerous team on any given day. But outside of Longoria and Carlos Pena one out of five at bats (and Scott if you’re Detroit), they don’t have much of an offense. The Rays are a flawed team, but they have outstanding leadership under Joe Maddon and will be the Yanks’ toughest challengers in the AL East this year.
Unless they call up Rhymes.