Monday, April 9, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Tampa Bay Rays

Okay, I’m sick of fighting with Tiger fans. Time to start pissing off the rest of the league.

Tuesday, the Tigers begin a series with the Tampa Bay Rays. No longer the Devil Rays (because the word “Devil” apparently frightened their elderly fanbase), the Tampa franchise was founded in 1998 where they finished in last place nine of their first ten years in existence. A decade of high draft picks finally made them into quite the decent team since 2007 and they’re one of the favorites to win the AL East this year.

Here’s all you need to know about the Rays.

 Douchetard Evan Longoria
-2008 AL Rookie of the Year

-3 time All-Star

-2 Gold Gloves

-1 Silver Slugger

-Hates talking about Eva Longoria

-On 3/8/11, had his ’67 Corvette stolen in Arizona. On 3/28/11, had his AK-47 rifle stolen in Florida from teammates’ David Price and Reid Brignac’s rental property. Thus, he cannot be trusted with anything valuable.

-Self-taught drummer that has own drum kit at Tropicana Field. I bet he loves Nickelback.

-In February, confirmed he was dating ex-Playboy Playmate Jaime Edmondson.

/does immediate google search


I hate you, Longoria. But well done, sir.


Starting pitching. Shields, Price, Hellickson, Moore, and Niemann might be the best 1-5 group in baseball. Getting to them early is the key to beating Tampa who has a less than stellar group in the bullpen. Fernando Rodney’s their best option right now, for crissakes. Speaking of which…


Fernando Rodney
Kyle Farnsworth (injured)
Carlos Pena
Matt Joyce
Will Rhymes (minors)

Wow. I hated them all when they played for us other than Joyce. Nicely done, Tampa.

Luke Fucking Scott

If you’ve never woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after seeing the evil Luke Scott’s face in your dreams, I envy you. This otherwise unknown journeyman outfielder is a Tiger killer. Here are his career numbers against the Tigers:

-21 games

-.358/.488/.896, 1.384 OPS

-10 HR

-24 RBI

-vs Nate Robertson: 3/3, 2B, 2 RBI, 4 BB

Jesus, Nate…

Luke’s even 4/14 with a homer and 5 RBI against Justin Verlander. Basically, if Scott played all his games against the Tigers, he would be a first ballot Hall of Famer. It boggles the mind.

Also, Scott is a serious firearms enthusiast and critic of President Obama. In the crazy Obama Birth Certificate fiasco of 2010, Scott was quoted as saying “I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go -- within 10 minutes -- to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, 'See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.' The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn't answer anything. And why? Because he's hiding something.”

I would mutilate the Easter Bunny to hear who Luke Scott thinks killed JFK.

-Dick Vitale

-The surviving members of the Greater St. Pete’s Retirement Center

-Around eleven other folks older than Don Zimmer


The Rays starting staff makes them a dangerous team on any given day. But outside of Longoria and Carlos Pena one out of five at bats (and Scott if you’re Detroit), they don’t have much of an offense. The Rays are a flawed team, but they have outstanding leadership under Joe Maddon and will be the Yanks’ toughest challengers in the AL East this year.

Unless they call up Rhymes.


Kevin C. said...

What the heck is that? A Don Zimmer Teddy Bear mix, that is awesome. I forgot about Luke Scott, what the hell does he eat before facing the Tigers.

Russell White said...

Have you ever seen a guy since say 1960 wear a Fedora that you didn't want to immediately set on fire? Me either. 

H2OPoloPunk said...

Looks better on Porcello.

H2OPoloPunk said...

Taco Bell.

schadrock4 said...

Wouldn't it be in the best interest of the Tigers to just sign Luke Scott and just chain him to the Ty Cobb statue for the duration of the deal

Biff Mayhem said...

Beans and rice.

Ndirishrock said...