Friday, April 27, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 New York Yankees


So the Tigers were neutered by the Mariners in a disappointing three game sweep to drop the team’s record to 10-9 and a three way tie for first in the Central.  The pitching has sucked, the bats have been quiet, and moves are being made.

Brandon Inge was released after Thursday’s game.  While I was never a fan of Brandon the ballplayer, I’ve always admired Brandon the person.  When his playing days are over, I hope he finds a job somewhere with the Tigers as there are few men that have done more for the Detroit community in the past decade.  But don’t feel bad for the guy.  He got to play MLB baseball for nearly 12 years and was paid very, VERY well to do so.  His story is not a sad one.  It didn’t have a happy ending, no, but it doesn’t make it a tragedy.  Good luck, Brandon.  Thanks for all the material over the years.  Godspeed, Special Little Guy.

Speaking of which, I HAVE NO STUPID CHARACTERS LEFT!  Inge, Bondo, Sheff, Brad and Clete Thomas, Casper, Pauley, etc.  They’ve gotten rid of everyone other than Ni, and he’s a Mud Hen.  I need to go back to the drawing board, it seems.  Oh wait...there's Delmon.

Delmon Young got into a drunken altercation last night in New York, pushed a guy down, and supposedly made some anti-Jewish remarks.  In other words, he did what every New Yorker does every night of the week.  DY’s immediate future is up in the air and I’ll refrain from making further comment until we know all the details of the situation.  Well, other than he's a gigantic idiot.

Finally, as I predicted because I’m psycho psychic, Brad Eldred was called up with the Inge release and will get possibly his last shot at the show as a DH for the Tigers.  I’m a sucker for these kind of stories and wish the man well.  Hopefully he doesn’t struggle too much out of the gate and Tiger fans won't immediately make the connection that he’s basically a 6’6 version of Ryan Raburn.

Anyways, up next is a trip to the Bronx for a series with the New York Yankees.  Oh boy, this should be fun. At least all these warning track balls the team keeps hitting will clear tiny Yankee Stadium by 20 rows.

Here’s a look at DA YANKS.

FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
 Lord Derek Jeter

-12 time All-Star

-5 time World Series champion

-5 time Gold Glove winner (makes jerking off motion with hand)

-4 time Silver Slugger winner

-1996 AL Rookie of the Year

-2000 World Series MVP

-3100+ career hits

-1200+ abortions paid for (may not be true)

-Astros scout quit job over the team passing on Jeter in the 1992 Draft in favor of Phil Nevin as the #1 pick.

-Famous “love” interests include Mariah Carey, Miss Universe Lara Dutta, Joy Enriquez, Jordana Brewster, Vanessa Milano, Jessica Biel, Minka Kelly, and hundreds of New York girls given hush money and death threats to keep quiet.

-In addition to his love for whores, is in fact one himself.  Had endorsed Nike, Gatorade, Fleet Bank, Discover Card, Gillette, Visa, XM Radio, and several other products.

-May have a vault a la Scrooge McDuck so he can go swimming in all his money

TEAM STRENGTH

Brute force.  The Yankees once again feature one of the most star-studded lineups in the game and they are going to score tons of runs.  Without a weak spot in the lineup and playing half their games in a bandbox, the Yanks are a high-scoring machine.

OLD FRIENDS

-Curtis Granderson

-Freddy Garcia

-Clay Rapada

WORST ENEMY
 Alex Rodriguez

While I personally dislike Mariano Rivera, Mark Teixeira, or Nick Swisher more, I wager it is much more difficult to find a fan of A-Rod among the Tiger fanbase.

-14 time All-Star

-3 time AL MVP

-10 time Silver Slugger winner

-2 time Gold Glove winner

-Mets fan as a child…no idea who he roots for now

-Called “A-Fraud” behind his back by teammates and clubhouse employees due to his attitude, according to Joe Torre

-Enjoys prostitutes, according to the NY Daily News.  Well, duh.

-Famous flings include Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, and most recently former WWE Diva and Playboy model Torrie Wilson.  Take a look.
I hate you, Alex.

FANBASE
-Rudy Guiliani

-Lebron James

-Tiger Woods

-Denzel Washington

-Adam Sandler

-Spike Lee

-Jay-Z

-Billy Crystal

-Every other celebrity

-Every ESPN employee (other than Bill Simmons)

-Every bandwagon assbag you’ve ever met

-Thousands of sweaty Italians named “Vinny”

OVERALL

Like so many times before for our team, it’s up to Justin Verlander to stop the bleeding.  But other than that, our group of underdog rebels may be in over their head against the Evil NY Empire this weekend.  There’s just so much negative stuff going on with the Tigers, it’s going to be an interesting couple weeks as they try to right the ship.

Luckily, after the Yanks series, the schedule is much, much easier for the month of May. And even know it’s still very early, Jim Leyland, Dave Dombrowski, and everyone needs to get their act together and get this team playing like we all know they can.

Um...they can, right?

4 comments:

ChaunceyD said...

I don't hate the actual Yankees as much as I hate their donkey-raping fans.  You are right, every idiot bandwagon-jumper is a Yankees fan.  As for Jeter, he is a god.  Not one misstep in all these years, and that all-star list of cooze he has dated...WOW.

Kevin C. said...

You forgot Mick Kelleher.

Jay Hathaway said...

 I agree, I really can't hate the man.  Plus, Sith Lords are cool.

Supersheap said...

He's also a michigander.  So there's that...