Sunday, February 12, 2012

More Fun With a Minnesota Writer

Once again, boredom has caused me to dive into the depths of Bleacher Report in search of something to make fun of. And again, it is our South Canadian friends from Minnesota that have caught my ire. If it seems like I had fun with a Twins author just recently, it’s because I did. They really seem to enjoy the Prince Fielder signing up there. I truly believe they are in denial over their team being an abortion at this point.

The headline from this piece is “Minnesota Twins: Small Ball is Key to Beating Detroit Tigers”. I think you can all see how this one is going to pan out. The best part of these BR stories are how short they are. Saves me time and provides me with content. How nice of them.

No one inside the AL Central is a fan of the Prince Fielder signing except for the Detroit Tigers obviously, but maybe Twins fans should be.

Didn’t the other clown say this, too? If Albert Pujols were joining the Twins, Tribe, ChiSox or (ha) Royals, would any of you people be happy about it? Fuck and no, you wouldn’t.

“Hey, everyone. Our top division rivals just signed the best left-handed power hitter in the game, eh? Let’s celebrate with Molsons, ice fishing, and Bryan Adams CD’s!”

Many things would have to go right for the Twins to win the division this year

1. Get Mauer on roids.
2. Miracle cure for brain-dead Morneau.
3. Competent pitching staff falls from Minneapolis sky.
4. Josh Willingham morphs into in-his-prime Harmen Killebrew.
5. Zombie Kirby Puckett.

and now a couple more might have to happen to overcome the seemingly more mighty Tigers.

A couple? I’ve seen the Twinkie roster. Be happy if you only lose 95 games this year.

When Detroit scooped up Fielder, they instantly became the favorite to win the World Series.

Says who? Every national writer I’ve read says that the Tigers are stupid for this move and have too many other holes. Central, yes. World Series, though? I’ve seen Texas, the Angels, Philly, Tampa, and of course, the Yanks and Sawx talked about as favorites. But most of the assbags on ESPN still don’t even know what division the Tigers play in.

You could say the Tigers look to be a dream team of sorts with Fielder, Miguel Cabrera, and Justin Verlander. Do we all remember how well that dream team thing worked out for the Philadelphia Eagles? Yeah, it didn't work.

A backup quarterback with a history of mental instability named Vince Young was the only one that called that so-so Eagles squad a dream team. No sane person in Detroit is calling a team that features Don Kelly, Daniel Schlereth, and Brandon Inge on it such a thing.

The Tigers bolstered their bats with the Fielder signing, but what they gave up was defense. Former third baseman turned first baseman Miguel Cabrera will return to third to accommodate Fielder. What are the Tigers giving up? Defense. They are giving up on the old adage that defense wins championships.

We made a playoff run with Wilson Betemit playing a majority of the time at third down the stretch last year. Cabrera can’t be much worse that him on defense. No one can. And Prince’s offensive production > the three balls that might get by Mig per week that Inge would have caught.

There is some horrible defense on the left half of the diamond, with Miguel Cabrera at third and former Twin Delmon Young out in left.

Despite what DY thinks, I have a feeling he’ll be DHing quite a bit this year. And when he does start in left, expect Kelly or Dirks to be out there by the 7th. It's called the "Magglio Strategy".

How does the Tigers' horrible defense benefit the Twins, though?

Tigers beat the Twins 8-4 instead of 8-2 every night?

The Twins have never out-powered anybody. Harmon Killebrew is the only true power hitter in the team’s history.

1. Kent Hrbek
2. Tom Brunansky
3. Tony Oliva
4. Gary Gaetti
5. Jim Thome
6. Justin Morneau before cartoon birds were circling his head

Yeah…never heard of em. I fondly recall the famous “We’ll see you tomorrow night!” World Series game against the Braves that was won on the walkoff bunt by Puckett.

So over the years the Twins learned how to play small ball and that’s what they need to do to beat the Tigers.

The Twins played their Joe Morgan approved 1970’s style thinking small ball against the Tigers last year. What happened? They went 4-14. Now add Fielder’s pop into the mix and a full year of Doug Fister on the mound.

The only way the Twins turn it around without a complete overhaul of their roster is by blowing up Target Field and going back into the Metrodome where they were the only team that could play 9 innings without wanting to drink gallons of bleach before it was over.

It may take bunts from Denard Span, Ben Revere, and Alexi Casilla right at Cabrera at third.

Yeah, bunt it at him. Miguel has a cannon. And it’s not like he’s never played there. We’re not putting Prince at third. I’m begging you to do nothing but bunt.

It may be doubles in the gaps by Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Danny Valencia, and Josh Willingham.

That’s not smallball. But try it. Austin Jackson may strike out a ton, but the kid covers ground like a guy you might remember named Torii Hunter. Another guy that hit homers for you, by the way.

The Twins just can’t be intimidated by the number of home runs the Tigers hit.

DANNY VALENICA: Hey, Skip. Boesch, Cabrera, Fielder, and that guy that used to play left for us just hit four straight homers off whatever homeless guy we have pitching for us today.

RON GARDENHIRE: Don’t be intimidated, Danny. We’ve got our bunters coming up next inning.


The Tigers are going to hit a lot of home runs and if any team wants to compete with them, the smart thing to do is to not start trading home runs.

Okay, enough. I hate to break it to you, but other than Mig and Prince, there aren’t ANY FUCKING HOME RUN HITTERS ON THE TIGERS. Jackson might hit 8. Boesch, if he ever puts together a healthy season, might touch 18. Delmon, I’ll say the same. Avila and Jhonny might hit 15. Ryno will hit 14 (12 in the second half). Kelly will hit 3 just so people annoy me on twitter.

But this isn’t the ’27 Yankees. We have two big boys and a bunch of (hopefully) line drive hitters around them.

The Tigers will win the home run battle. Small ball is the way to beat the Tigers. Just dink and dunk away.

Okay, for the sake of argument, let’s say the Tigers ARE a home run hitting juggernaut. Please do dink and dunk. I will enjoy your silly sac bunts when you’re down 6-0 in the second inning.

In the Twins case they need more than just small ball.

Change your headline then, dude. It's not like I titled this "More Fun With a Minnesota Writer" and then started making poop jokes at some schmuck from Cleveland.

They need Mauer and Morneau to be healthy all year, they need reliable pitching, maybe even some miracles,

Zombie Puckett’s the key.

but they need to keep playing like they have for years.

(Not last year.)

So get your bunting shoes on everybody. If Nick Punto was still here there would be an overload of head-first slides into first this year.

Indeed. Head first slides into first count for six runs in the minds of mental patients.

I’m happy with Prince Fielder over smallball. Enjoy last place again, dickhead.

Original article found here at BR. My apologies to the author for being a meanie-head.


Russell White said...

Zombie Kirby Puckett, at least he would have an excuse when he abuses women now.

Timothy Joseph Forbes said...


Mr. Sunshine said...

The Valencia/Gardenhire bit made my fall out of my chair laughing.  Thanks. 

Jay Hathaway said...

You can stop your Cespedes watch now.

Damian56xx said...

I noted that the OP apparently didn't bother to mention comparative pitching (SP/RP) between the Twins and Tigers WHATSOEVER, so I guess that only the Twinks' playing their unique brand of "superior defense and small-ball offense" really matters when these two teams play, huh?

But after all, it IS an obviously overly biased homer-fan article from a member of "BR" so I would take his opinions with a grain...hell...a dump-truck-full of roadway rock salt.