Thursday, February 16, 2012

Meanwhile...Six Weeks From Now

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you all for joining us today. It’s been a heckova Spring, guys. And when we decided to give you all an equal chance to win the second base job, we meant it. Now it wasn’t an easy choice for us to make, but after careful consideration, Jim and I worked together to finally decide on a winner. But before we tell you our decision, I just want to say thank you to each of you for your contributions to the team. Right, Jim?
JIM LEYLAND: That’sright. NowIjustwannasay (lights cigarette) howproudIamofeach (HACK) oneofyouguys. ThefansofDetroitarelucky (WHEEZE) tohaveallofyou…

/breaks down crying

DOMBROWSKI: Exactly. Well, let’s run down each one of you. I guess I’ve got to pick one of you to start with, so I’ll begin with you, Donnie Kelly.

DON KELLY: (mutters something about being thankful for the opportunity and God’s blessings on his life)

DOMBROWSKI: Now, Donnie, you did a fine job the past few weeks. But Jim and I think you’re just too valuable to the team in your utility role. We feel you’re a unique weapon for the Tigers in your ability to play any position on a moment’s notice…even pitcher, if we need you to! Haha…so I hope you understand that we decided to offer the starting second base job to someone else.

KELLY: (softly talks about being thankful to be on a big league roster and trying his best every day)

DOMBROWSKI: Great. Now if you could, Donnie, be a lamb and pick up my dry cleaning from Maple and 8th street. Also, my son needs some new shoes. Take him to the mall and put whatever he wants on the company card. After that, the Benz needs washed and waxed. Two coats. Get to it!

LEYLAND: ThanksDonnie.

/kisses Kelly on forehead as he leaves

DOMBROWSKI: Okay, Ryan, let’s talk about you. We love your potential. You are capable of carrying the team for a week when your bat is hot. But what disturbs Jim and I is your continued struggles on defense.
RYAN RABURN: Aww, shoot. Y’all know I’m a workin’ onnit. Dang, shoot, ya know?

DOMBROWSKI: Indeed. For example, though. Jim, remember yesterday when we hit Ryan three dozen pop ups at second? How many of the thirty-six balls did he drop?

LEYLAND: Thirty-one.

DOMBROWSKI: Thirty-one, Ryan. And that was an improvement from the prior weeks. Point is, we think you’re more valuable splitting time in the outfield and DHing. We hope you understand.

RABURN: Dang, y’all. I’s a just gonna get ‘r’ done, second amendment-style in my Wrangler blue jeans, ya know? Shoot.

/tongue hangs out of mouth

/falls asleep until August 1st

DOMBROWSKI: Okay, next is you, Ramon. Fine job this Spring, sir. We’re thrilled that you chose to re-sign with the Tigers this offseason.
RAMON SANTIAGO: Gracias, Senor Dombrowski. I glad to be here.

DOMBROWSKI: Well, all you did this March was hit a solid .270, had three walkoff hits for us, and played impeccable defense. Impressive work. Better than anyone here, quite frankly.

SANTIAGO: I do my best. I get job?


DOMBROWSKI: While you outperformed everyone, we just don’t see you in an everyday role with the team. Sorry. Keep up the good work, though.

SANTIAGO: (curses in Spanish while leaving room)

DOMBROWSKI: So, I guess you know what that means. The winner of the starting second base job for this year is you, Brandon.
BRANDON INGE: Yessssssssss! Oh, golly, fellas! I’m pleased as punch, I tell you! What a great day! Shani and the boys are gonna be so happy!

LEYLAND: ShaddupBrandon.

INGE: Sorry, Skipper.

DOMBROWSKI: Brandon, you went 2 for 42 this Spring with 34 strikeouts. You sulked to the press every time they asked you if you were impressed with how well Miguel is looking at third. And we know it’s you that’s been prank calling Prince’s room saying that his Dad is on his way up with a knife.

INGE: I’m…I’m…I think it was Scherzer. He has shifty eyes.

DOMBROWSKI: Can it, Brandon. Fact is, we owe you $5.5 million this year whether you play or not. You still have a decent glove and the city of Detroit adores you. You’ve got the job and we hope that you can settle in to the position and your bat will finally start to wake up.

INGE: Well, shucks, fellas. I’m sure gonna go out there and do my best every day! I tell ya, you guys aren’t gonna regret this at all! I’m gonna be the best second baseman you ever saw! I bet I even make the All-Star team!
PRINCE FIELDER: Hey, hey, HEY! Did y’all hear the big news?
PHIL COKE: About Fu-Te Ni shooting Jeremy Lin to death over Lin being voted as Taiwan’s new favorite athlete in America of Taiwanese descent? Yeah, we should have all seen that coming. Especially after us hearing the news and Fu running around in here yelling, “I kirr Jelemy Rin! I need roaded lifle!” I mean, we never take him serious, dude.

FIELDER: No, not that, man. They just announced that we traded Turner and prospects for Brandon Phillips! We’ve got an All-Star quality second baseman now!

COKE: Uh oh. Did Brandon get the news yet?

/clubhouse door shoots open
INGE: Woe is me and the downward spiral that is my pitiful life. We are all dead. Some of us just haven’t realized it yet. The rising tides of the sea of sorrow will claim you all. I have foreseen it. You are all doomed.

FIELDER: What a weird team y’all have here, man.

COKE: You get used to it after a while.


JacksTigers said...


Drew Houston said...

fucking brilliant.

Kevin C. said...

Inge is a great teammate, he is doing what he can to help the team. That is what makes him more popular to the fairweather fans than the slugging latin's. I personally like the slugging latins.

Russell White said...

Emo Inge will haunt my dreams forever 

H2OPoloPunk said...

I've been known to love racist humor. Especially against orientals. Well done.

Spockmaster said...

I cant stop laughing at the Fu-Te Ni bit.

Dan said...

So since Nate is no longer with the team, I'd have to guess Ni got the Rifle from Rayburn. :)

H2OPoloPunk said...

I hope the 'y' was written with irony in mind.

Patbrowning5 said...

Sadly, this is probably close to the truth.

Kyle M said...

Fly on the wall truth...good shit!

JimWalewander said...

I hated Pete Hoekstra's commercial, but your Ni business cracks me up everytime.  Comedy gold!

DebbieSpenditnow said...