Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Birth of the Super Agent


(A couple months ago…)
NEAL HUNTINGTON: As you know, being the General Manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates makes me a very busy man. With our payroll constrictions, we are constantly scouting young talent and trying to make the most cost efficient deals possible to better our baseball operations. Now you’ve made it clear that you think you can contribute to our team in the 2012 season. But, for the life of me, I just can’t see it happening. Of the thirty professional baseball teams, how many have turned down for a job already for this upcoming season?
JASON GRILLI: Twenty-nine. Plus the Long Island Ducks.

HUNTINGTON: You went to them before us?

GRILLI: Well, yeah. You’re the Pirates, for crying out loud. You haven’t made the playoffs since Barry Bonds was still human.

HUNTINGTON: Well, Jason, as you know we’re a small market team that’s constantly in a youth movement here in Pittsburgh. And according to my notes here, you’re thirty-five years old. Your career ERA is over four and a half. And you have a long history of injury problems. With all due respect, why would we even consider adding you to our Major League roster?

GRILLI: I don’t like your tone, sir.

HUNTINGTON: My tone? Are you serious?

GRILLI: Oh, I am. And I figured this was happened. I think it’s time for our conversation here to go to the next level. You’ve done it now. It’s time for me to unleash my new SUPER AGENT on you!

HUNTINGTON: Oh, Christ. You didn’t hire Scott Boras, did you? If so, you can take your rear end straight out that door and…

GRILLI: Boras? He’s an amateur. I’ve got me the best agent in the world. Excuse me…HEY! He’s playing hardball! I need you in here!

/door explodes open

GARY SHEFFIELD: Neal Huntington, you STUPID mothafucka! You done it now! No more nice talk with “The Cheeseman”. Now yo ass gonna deal with HURRICANE SHEFF! The baddest super agent this game ever seen, son!

HUNTINGTON: You’re his agent, Gary?

SHEFFIELD: Hey! Check it out! This dumb mothafucka can hear, after all! Color Sheff amazed. Cuz you ain’t heard a word Sheff’s boy Jason’s been sayin’ here, from the looks of shit.

HUNTINGTON: On the contrary, Gary, it’s Jason that hasn’t been listening to me. You see, the Pittsburgh Pirates…

SHEFFIELD: Fucking suck! That’s right! You can’t afford NOT to sign Jason Mothafucking Grilli for this season, you feel me? Sheff can’t believe we’re even arguing over this shit!

HUNTINGTON: Gary, he’s a terrible pitcher.


/wads up piece of paper into a ball

/throws it at Huntington

/misses by three feet

SHEFFIELD: Terrible pitcher? We talkin’ bout the same Jason Grilli? “Cheeseman” did all right for your ass last year.

HUNTINGTON: I think we both know that Grilli’s season last year will be nearly impossible to duplicate again, Gary. I’m sorry, but the Pirates just aren’t interested…

SHEFFIELD: You a mothafuckin’ racist, Neal!



SHEFFIELD: Shut the fuck up, Jason. Yeah, Neal. You a racist. That’s why you don’t want “The Cheeseman”.

HUNTINGTON: You’re ridiculous.

SHEFFIELD: No. You don’t like Italians! You sick mothafucker! Some guido fuck your wife, Neal? That it? Got a SITUATION at home? Ha HA!

HUNTINGTON: Stop this, Gary, before I call security.

SHEFFIELD: Oh, SURE! Call security on the big, bad black man! And his GREASY wop dago Italian client, right? Just like the rest of your Klan buddies, huh, Neal? Grilli is a proud Olympian for his home country of Italy…

HUNTINGTON: He was born in Michigan, Gary!

SHEFFIELLD: The Rocky Balboa Godfather mothafucka played in the Olympics for Italy, didn’t he? He’s a hero, Neal! This man once struck out 18 men in a game, Neal!


SHEFFIELD: At Seton Hall, sure, but it still happened! He was a first round pick, number four overall, in 1997, Neal! And he should’ve been number one! “Cheeseman” was drafted ahead of Vernon Wells, Lance Berkman, Jayson Werth, Michael Young, and Tim Hudson, Neal! They all gettin’ paid! Why not Jason? Cuz you RACIST!

HUNTINGTON: Jesus Christ, Gary. You two need to leave.

SHEFFIELD: Oh, sure. Just throw us out. How’s the papers in Pittsburgh, a WORKING CLASS TOWN, gonna like hearin’ how you’s a racist, Neal? Sheff’s gonna tell ‘em how you threw out an Olympic hero, a prominent businessman of Perfect Pitch Marketing, a man that pitched his ASS off for you last year. Just tossed him aside, like a piece of garbage, him and his agent. Even called me a nig…

HUNTINGTON: FINE! How much will it take to shut you the fuck up?

SHEFFIELD: One point one million dollars, Neal.

HUNTINGTON: Great! It’s done. Welcome back to the Pittsburgh Pirates, Jason.

GRILLI: Thank you.

SHEFFIELD: Was that SO HARD, Neal? Shit. Bout time you came to your senses. I’m glad we could come to a deal like gentlemen.

HUNTINGTON: Yeah. You’re a real gentleman, Gary. I’ll have the paperwork sent over to Jason’s house to sign. Are we done here, please?

SHEFFIELD: Now, Neal. You know…I never officially retired. I’m thinking you could use a Hall of Fame pinch hitter to sell some tickets. How bout you give Sheff ten million to join “Cheeseman” here…


SHEFFIELD: Aight. Aight. We gone. Thanks, Neal.

/Huntington slams door behind them

SHEFFIELD: See? Sheff told you that’d be a piece of cake. Sheff be the best super agent alive.

GRILLI: Thanks, Gary. He wasn’t taking my weak shit back there.

SHEFFIELD: Yeah, you quite the bitch, Jason. You lucky, though. You got Sheff on your side. You got Gary Sheffield, SUPER AGENT behind you, son. By the way, most agents take 10% for themselves. That’s stupid. Sheff be takin’ 50%.

GRILLI: What? You can’t be serious!

SHEFFIELD: Sheff always serious about money, son. Don’t worry. After you rock this year, you gonna be a big time free agent next year, Jason. Make a boatload of cash, boy!

GRILLI: You really think I’m gonna have a good year this season, Gary?

SHEFFIELD: Fuck, no! You goddamned terrible, Jason! Shit…Sheff’s gotta go. Gotta get some more clients! This shit’s EASY!
(If you haven’t heard, Gary Sheffield really is Jason Grilli’s agent now. Thanks to a couple of you for the tip, including John Parent of MCB who was the first. Here’s a link to an article on it.)


Biff Mayhem said...

I had a hard time separating the Sheff character from Tracy Morgan on 30 Rock TBQH.

Chuck Chessor said...

Ha....."Banks, for the record, is 4-8 with a 5.66 ERA in parts of four major league seasons". Now I can really see this sitation happening with the crap ballplayers he is representing. Who is next CJ Nitkowski?

Jay Hathaway said...

I want Sheff to be my corporate headhunter.

momotigers said...

Outstanding...this might be your Mona Lisa.