Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Who's Your (Non) Tiger?
This may come as a shock to many of you, but I don’t hate everyone in baseball. Just mainly Derek Jeter and anyone on the Red Sox. But that doesn’t mean I’m a fan of everyone, obviously, either. So I set out to make a list of guys that I would love to see somehow transplanted to the D so I could openly support them and not feel like a jackoff.
One rule, though. No guys that used to play for Detroit. I feel it would be cheating to make a list with guys like Granderson, Polanco, and so on.
So here we go. Nothing better to talk about unless you’re an Eric Patterson fan. Well, that, or you think Fernando Rodney and Kyle Farnsworth battling for the Tampa closer job is as funny as I do. Maybe I'll do something on that at a later time...
McCutchen’s probably the best player in baseball that most casual fans don’t know that well. He has speed, power, patience, and defensive skills…a real total package. He’s what I hope that Austin Jackson eventually develops into. It’s just a shame he plays in Pittsburgh. I have a theory that Satan once wiped his ass with the state of Pennsylvania and Pittsburgh was the shit stain left behind. McCutchen also holds the honor of having the best hair in baseball.
2. Michael Young, Texas
Young was my favorite non-Tiger ever since Biggio retired, but I bumped him down here due to my strong hatred of the Rangers after the 2011 Playoffs still lingering on. But Young can do it all, and I look at him as this generation’s Alan Trammell playing alongside the flashier Jeter as Cal Ripken. I would burn down a homeless shelter to get him in Detroit at second, short, or third. In fact, when Alli from Bless You Boys went to the Winter Meetings a few weeks back, I instructed her not to leave until she somehow forced Dombrowski to make a trade for him. She failed and we are no longer friends, as a result.
3. Adam Jones, Baltimore
Amazing range in the outfield. Speed. Power. And by all reports, a good dude, despite sharing the same name as the NFL’s Pacman. Jones, inability to take walks aside, is another young star that’s been overshadowed. Oddly enough, he was originally drafted as a shortstop/pitcher by the Mariners.
4. Hunter Pence, Philadelphia
Another ex-Astro, I’m just a big fan of Pence’s all-around game. I’m also a fan of the name “Hunter”. I feel that if I were to start hanging out with a guy named “Hunter” and a dude named “Brock”, then I might become some sort of badass by association. I’m kind of weird…
5. Clayton Kershaw, LA Dodgers
Speaking of names, this guy has an awful one. “Clayton Kershaw” sounds like a rich, douchebag kid that’s going to try and date rape your sister. But this guy’s an amazing player for the Dodgers and one of the few pitchers in the game that I would go out of my way to watch on TV.
Okay, so those are my top five. Let me toss out another 20 names, in no particular order.
Matt Kemp, LA Dodgers: Another total package.
Andre Ethier, LA Dodgers: Not as good as Kemp, but damn good. Dodger fans are lucky right now. Dodger owner, not so much.
Antonio Bastardo, Philadelphia: He’s a lefty reliever with the Phillies. That’s all I know about him other than him having the most awesome name in MLB.
Jim Thome, Philadelphia: I wish I didn’t like Thome, being that he has spent the majority of his career destroying Tiger pitching. But he’s just too awesome of a guy not to.
Reed Johnson, Chicago Cubs: The ultimate fourth outfielder. Solid bat, can play all three OF positions, and okay glove. Goofy batting stance helps, too.
Zach Greinke, Milwaukee: I feel okay supporting him again now that he’s not with KC anymore. Dude has one of the best curveballs I’ve ever seen. And he’s not right in the head. I can respect that.
Mike MacDougal, Free Agent: A buddy of mine that’s a White Sox fan always used to lose his mind when MacDougal entered games for the ChiSox because he hated him so much. Dude blew Chicago leads like Lindsay Lohan blew strangers for coke. And anyone that pisses off White Sox fans is okay in my book.
Jason Giambi, Colorado: Steroids, blah, blah, blah. Still a beast in his day. And has the most badass tattoo I've ever seen. See?
Justin Masterson, Cleveland: I can’t wait for the Tribe to eventually trade him, like they do with all their good pitchers, so I can enjoy him more. Hell of a young pitcher.
Wily Mo Pena, Fukuoda SoftBank Hawks: The modern day Rob Deer in that he does nothing but strike out or hit tape measure homers. It’s a shame he’s moved on to playing in Japan. Fun to watch.
Roy Halladay, Philadelphia: It’s either him or Verlander that is the standard of excellence in right-handed pitchers. No pitcher in baseball works harder than Doc.
Matt Garza, Chicago Cubs: I admit to being apparently the only guy that was excited to hear Garza-to-Detroit rumors in the past couple weeks. I think the kid’s awesome.
Chad Billingsley, LA Dodgers: Local kid from down the road in Defiance, OH. Gotta support the shithole where I live. Friend of mine who knows him says he’s a cool guy, too, so there you go.
Heath Bell, Miami: He won me over by running in and sliding into the mound in the All-Star Game last year. I enjoy players with personality since most of them are so friggin’ boring.
Chris Young, Free Agent: The pitcher…not the outfielder. Standing 6’10, he’s the second tallest player in MLB history. And being a freak myself, nearly 6’5, I feel the need to support my gigantic brethren.
Jeff Samardzija, Chicago Cubs: GO IRISH!
Roy Oswalt, Houston: Mainly because he played with Bagwell and Biggio and I ended up cheering for him as I rooted for them.
J.D. Drew, Free Agent: Drew makes my list of favorites for one reason. The entire time he played in Boston, I heard Sawx fans do nothing but bitch about him, no matter what he did. And since I think Sawx fans are the devil’s afterbirth, I would like to take this time to personally thank Mr. Drew for pissing them off so much.
Grant Balfour, Oakland: An Australian relief pitcher that does NOT suck. Pay attention, Brad Thomas. He’s the guy I wanted the team to sign instead of Joaquin Benoit. But it worked out okay, I guess. I’d still love to see him in Detroit, though, somehow.
Brandon League, Seattle: 100 mph fastball and the coolest tattoos in baseball. What’s not to like? That's two tattoo mentions in one article. Odd, since I have none. Oh well...
And there ye be. As far as everyone else goes, they can get hit by a bus. Well, unless they end up in Detroit…