Friday, January 27, 2012

The Unhappy Camper Embraces His Despair

ZEPHYR: Hello, Chrysanthum, dark angel of the abyss. I see you’ve arrived early for our weekly meeting of the dark children of evil. Welcome to my lair.
CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. The moon is full and my despair has reached unfathomable levels. Also, your mom said to be sure we’re done down here by ten before her bridge club arrives.

ZEPHYR: Oh, that foul woman. How she tortures me so. I long for the day when our dark lord arrives to strike her and her wicked ways down and deliver us to our destinies. Oh. I see you’ve brought someone with you this enchanted evening.

CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. We met at the 7-11 buying Slurpees. His sorrow matches and possibly surpasses even yours, I feel. He wishes to share his pain with us.

ZEPHYR: Oh my. I’ve longed for another to share despair on my level. And what is your name, child of the night?

BRANDON INGE: Hey there. I’m Brandon. Swell basement your mom has here.

ZEPHYR: Please stop seeing with your eyes and begin exploring with your damaged soul. This is no basement. This is our Lair of Sadness. Where us discarded children of the damned gather to express our pain without fear of ridicule from those that are a disease to the planet.

INGE: Oh. Sorry. Well, I sure as heck appreciate you letting me sit in tonight. Is it just the three of us?

CHRYSANTHUM: There is a Cure tribute band playing in town. Our brothers and sisters will have gathered there this eve. Sadly Zephyr is grounded from venturing out due to getting a D in history class.

ZEPHYR: Yes. My mother insists on keeping me imprisoned in this forsaken place. But there will be at least one more of our brothers arriving tonight, I believe. Tell me your tale of pain, Brandon. But first, we should remove your name given by the light. Embrace the darkness, my brother. And arise as, um, Salem!

INGE: Salem? Golly. That’s a good one. Well, here’s the deal. I’ve been at my job for over a decade. And sure, I’m not the biggest or the best. But I sure try hard! And the fans LOVE me. But they keep trying to replace me. First Pudge, then Miguel, and now Prince.

ZEPHYR: A prince of darkness?

INGE: Sure, he’s kinda dark, but I don’t think that should matter what color he is. Point is, I’m not a happy camper and I let the Skipper know that! Sure my knees are shot. And I had mono. And I can’t hit anymore. But I’m lifting weights! I should get another shot!

CHRYSANTHUM: You poor angel of suffering.

ZEPHYR: Sadly, Salem, you are not alone. All of us are connected by our misery. The world picks at our internal scars with their cruelty. The minute we were born, we began to die. But together, we are strong. Our goal is to ultimately die holding hands with each other. And we will emerge in a world where we will no longer be in pain. Or be alone anymore.

INGE: Well, I’m not exactly in pain or alone. I’ve got Shani. And the kids. And millions of dollars.

ZEPHYR: What exactly do you do, Salem?

INGE: I’m a baseball player. With the Tigers here in Detroit.

CHRYSANTHUM: He must know Dragonheartless.

INGE: Dragonheartless?

ZEPHYR: Sigh. Yes. Another of YOUR kind that came to us in need.

INGE: Where is this Dragonheartless?

/door shoots open
FU-TE NI: Herro, Blandon! You rast pelson Fu expect to see in Basement of Sollow!

INGE: Fu? Is that you?

NI: I am Dlagonhealtress now, Blandon. Prease show lespect.

ZEPHYR: He is no longer Brandon. He has risen as Lord Salem.

NI: Oh. Sarem. It’s stirr nice to see you.

INGE: Fu…I mean, Dragonheartless, I don’t think we really belong here. This might be a mistake. And are those whiskers?

CHRYSANTHUM: See? I told you that looks stupid, Dragonheartless.

NI: I rike them. And I no reave, Sarem! These all my fliends! Filst Upstate Barrel tladed to Seattre. Blad Thomas go back home in Austlaria. Then Wirr Lhymes get filed and go to Lays. Ni have no fliends reft in Toredo. And Tigels lefuse to carr Ni back up! Danier Schreleth is tellibre! Woe is Ni. I mean Dlagonhealtress.

INGE: What about Clete?

NI: Crete is asshore. I play to Dalk Rold Satan to stlike him down.

INGE: Well, c’mon, buddy. I’m still your friend. This place is messing up your head. Tell you what, pal. You and I are gonna do our best to make the team this year! I’m not afraid of some competition. I think I can beat Cabby out for the job! What do you think?

NI: I think you clazy, Sarem.

INGE: My name is Brandon Inge! And I believe in myself! I’m gonna give the team a dickens of a decision to make this April, buddy! Let’s go.

NI: Okay. Solly, Zephyr and Chlysanthum. We go to face our plobrems HEAD ON! No more hiding! Pelhaps you shourd do same. Goodbye!

INGE: Seeya, kids. You guys might want to quit blaming others for everything and start taking responsibility for your own lives. That's what I learned tonight.

ZEPHYR: Sure. Leave us. Like society did before you! Like our hopes and dreams, raped from us before they had a chance to blossom! Like our…

INGE: Whatever. Seeya.

NI: Rater!


ZEPHYR: Sigh. Wanna play the Wii?

CHRYSANTHUM: Okay. But I get to be Mario this time…
I...I apologize. It was funnier in my head...


DJ said...

No apology needed, I laughed out loud at the whole thing...or at least the pictures. It was probably the pictures. 

Justin said...

Oh. my. god. That picture of Inge is easily the best thing I have ever seen.

Jj said...

This is probably the nicest you've ever been to Inge.

H2OPoloPunk said...

I hear The Smiths playing in the background. Wait, there;s some Joy Division too! ::ahhhhhhhhhh::

Bob said...

The Picture of  Salem is worth it.. Every time I come to your site I find something that makes me laugh, and the article had some good stuff too...
Keep up the great work...

Timothy Joseph Forbes said...


KO_Stradivarius said...

Woe is Ni.  Crete is asshore.  LOL

NCDee said...

Clicked on the main page to "read more" and even though I KNEW what was coming in the text, that picture of Inge made me spit out my coffee.  And I'm sure it will haunt my dreams for weeks to come.