Monday, January 30, 2012

Twins Fans Only Fear Vegetables

I hate the Minnesota Twins. There are so many reasons why. 1987 is one. The memories of the abortion that was the Metrodome is another. I still wake up screaming at night over Game 163. The fact that their fans cheered for Nick Punto still puzzles me. I don’t like them or their fat, hunter/gatherer fans.

So when I was looking around on Yahoo for something to make fun of and I came across an article titled “Fan’s Take: Twins Shouldn’t Be Worried About the Tigers’ Big Signing”, you can imagine that I giggled with glee and immediately went through my list of nasty words to insult the author with.

I’ll try to keep it clean. But no promises.

As a Minnesota Twins fan,

-I have never actually spoken to a black person.

-My bloodstream is 35% gravy.

-I own a Brett Favre jersey, but never admit it.

-I always faintly smell of cheese.

-I’d rather be watching hockey.

-I’ve only had sex with one woman and she outweighs me by twenty pounds.

-I wish that I could one day get down to Kent Hrbek’s playing weight.

-I had my first beer at the age of 3.

-I clam up and refuse to talk when people bring up Kirby Puckett cheating on his wife and abusing multiple women.

-Sideburns make me horny.

I welcome Prince Fielder to the Detroit Tigers and American League Central. Fielder, because of his talent and girth

Fat Remark #1. Remember that.

will bring a little more attention to a division that gets overlooked despite being one of the League's best.

Yes, the AL Central is quite a juggernaut. The Tigers were the only team to finish over .500 in 2011. Two teams lost over 90 games (with the Twins losing 99). And in 2012, Chicago and Minnesota have gotten even worse. Even Buster Olney would have trouble naming three players from either Cleveland or Kansas City.

Gee. I can’t imagine why people aren’t paying more attention to the black hole of suck that is the AL Central.

I suppose as a fan of the team that will to face Fielder 20 times this season, I should be scared of the prospects of him hitting the ball all over Target Field when the Tigers come to town. But to be honest, Fielder's move to Detroit makes me happy.

Yeah. If I were a White Sox, Indians, Royals, or Twins fan and the Tigers, preseason favorite to win the division already, added a guy who has finished in the top five of the NL MVP voting three of the past five years…I would be ecstatic.

If I were retarded.

I personally think the Tigers overpaid for a guy who hits a ton, but isn't the most fleet a foot or in shape.

Indeed. Juan Pierre > Prince Fielder.

By the way, that’s the second comment related to Fielder’s size.

Sure, Fielder's father, Cecil had some of his best years in the Motor City, but in reality the Tigers paid too much for what they are going to get in return.

What do Cecil’s accomplishments have to do with anything? And what does it matter to the Twins what the Tigers paid? They’re getting a consistent .280/35/110 force added to a lineup that already has guys like Miguel Cabrera, Alex Avila, Jhonny Peralta, Brennan Boesch, and a certain guy that the Twins let go for peanuts in Delmon Young.

And considering that the Twinkie rotation currently consists of some misfit combo of Carl Pavano, Francisco Liriano, Scott Baker, Nick Blackburn, Brian Duensing, and Jason Marquis, I’d be making a twin cities in my long johns if I were you.

The Twins have played in 38 games against Fielder. In those games, Fielder is hitting a paltry .261 and has just eight homeruns and 14 extra base hits during that span.

That’s kind of misleading. It’s true that Prince is only 1/16 against Francisco Liriano in his career. But take a look at Prince against the rest of the Twins’ starters.

Carl Pavano: 5/11 (.455), 2 2B, 1 HR
Scott Baker: 8/21 (.381), 3 2B, 2 HR
Jason Marquis: 5/20 (.250), 4 2B, 1 HR
Nick Blackburn: 2/13 (.154), 1 HR
Brian Duensing: 0/2 (.000)

I tend to think that Fielder might be able to solve the mighty duo of Blackburn and Duensing with more looks at them.

While Fielder, like any other decent player will get his licks on the Twins, the fact the Tigers used so much money for a guy without much more of an upside,

No upside? The guy’s only 27 years old and he’s one of the top three sluggers in the game! And again with the money…stop. They’re paying him what they paid Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen combined to sit on the DL last season!

Meanwhile you’re paying Joe Mauer (who is a year older than Prince) $23 million a year through 2018. And Dreamboat Joe’s knees are already shot along with any power he once had in his bat.

You’re paying Justin Morneau $14 million a year the next two seasons and he’s still so loopy from concussions that he thinks that he’s in Saskatoon half the time while sucking it up at the plate.

What I’m trying to say is fuck you, you gigantic goddamned moron.

So much for keeping it clean.

bodes well for a team like the Twins who have lowered their payroll and are banking on younger talent.

Like Jamey Carroll, your new starting shortstop? That’s your new young talent?

Trevor Plouffe is currently the Twins starting DH. He might be young, but I’d hardly call him a talent. If he were my DH, I’d go drown myself in one of your lovely thousand lakes if I were you, pal.

Losing guys like Michael Cuddyer and Jason Kubel and getting only 32 year old inconsistent Josh Willingham (for $7 million a year) doesn’t bother Twins fans? God bless their fat, fish eating hearts. I can’t wait until they lose 105 games this year.

Seriously, read his last "point" one more time. It bodes well for the Twins that the Tigers added Prince Fielder while the Twins got worse. My asshole makes more logical points while shitting out an evening of Taco Bell and draft beer than this guy.

Fielder should be a decent addition to the Tigers, but I highly doubt he will be a difference maker in getting them from being an above average team to a champion.

Why would adding a guy that hit 38 homers and 120 RBI last year be a difference maker? Now how about that BEN REVERE! He sure is FLEET OF FOOT and IN SHAPE.

Fielder singlehandedly will keep some restaurants in Detroit open with his massive appetite,

And there is the third remark about Fielder’s weight. The author of this Yahoo piece, Blair Reynolds, has a thing you can click to see his profile picture. Here it is.
Yes, dear readers, this man is making fat jokes. I bet he hasn’t seen his penis in a decade.

but the prospect of him being the team's savior has a fat chance of happening.

Hohoho…FAT chance, he says. How quickly the Twins fan forgets that the best player in his team's history (when not forcing himself upon women he didn't know) was shaped like a bowling ball. RIP, KP. Always a Tiger Mud Hen.

Look, tubby. The Twins are awful. Your best players can’t stay on the field and when they are, they’re shadows of their former selves. The only thing your bullshit, playoff-choking, smallball worshipping, fraud of a fucking team ever had over the rest of the league was that gloomy, concrete ground, hellhole Metrodome. And notice now that that’s gone, so are the winning seasons of the Twins.

You don’t want to be concerned about Prince Fielder? Fine. Keep licking the BBQ sauce off your fingers and jerking off to old footage of Tom Brunansky.

Because adding a bat the likes of Prince Fucking Fielder to a team that went 50-22 against the AL Central WITHOUT him last year (and 14-4 against the Twins) makes me very, very confident about 2012.

You’re not worried? You should be shitting your size 48 waist pants.


Walter Partlo said...

As a Tigers fan living in the twin cities for grad school, I approve this message.

Josh said...

105? I'd be much happier with 120.

Bob said...

LMAO.... Holy crap you are one funny writer

Dustin said...

""Blair Reynolds is a lifelong Minnesota Twins fan who once, on a dare, ate a dome dog for every run the Twins scored in an 11-2 rout of the Kansas City Royals.""And this is coming from the article itself. Way to call someone fat without looking in the mirror. This is why I hate the Twins. . . . dirty hypocrites 

Bryan T. said...

You think his mom named him after Blair from the "The Facts of Life"?

kalinecountry said...

As usual, I am LMAO.
Who does this wideload think he is talking about Prince's size?
Blair has needed a mirror to see his peppy since the 3rd grade.
Hey Blair, are you taller standing up or lieing on your back.
If my dog had a face like that, I would shave his rear end and walk him backwards.
Some real f'n goofs in minnesota.

H2OPoloPunk said...

"I’d be making a twin cities in my long johns if I were you."


Robeartoe said...

allways like shittin draft beer and taco bell

JacksTigers said...

About lost it when I saw his picture.

David Tokarz said...

"As a Minnesota Twins fan, I have never actually spoken to a black person."
He might have met Prince. You don't know.

H2OPoloPunk said...

Maybe it's kinda like people of the same race/ethnicity have a license to use a mutually insulting pejorative?

Guest said...

Circle that, Bert.

Kevin C. said...

He looks like Buddy Holly with Elephantitis.

kalinecountry said...

The title of this article also reminded me of a song by the late great Frank Zappa...

Bpzarb said...

This is my new favorite tigers blog.

rea said...

sounds Verlander-like.