Thursday, January 5, 2012

Meanwhile...in Tampa

JOE MADDON: Well, it sounds like we have a deal, my friend. Welcome to the Tampa Bay Rays family! Guess we gotta find you a new hat to wear.
FERNANDO RODNEY: Gracias, Señor Maddon.

MADDON: Great to have you. Ya know, we almost didn’t get this done. For some reason, our GM wanted Todd Jones, but he’s happily retired. Then he had his sights set on Jason Grilli. I thought he was dead, but turns out he’s with the Pirates now. Can you believe that?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Yessir. Say, you don’t happen to know what Bobby Seay’s up to, do you?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Ahh, never mind.

/loud crash heard in hallway

MADDON: Ahh, crap. Cover your ears for his theme music.

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

/loud music cranks up




KYLE FARNSWORTH: What’s the meaning of all of this, BROTHER?

MADDON: Hey, Kyle. Settle down. This has nothing to do with you and…

FARNSWORTH: Lemmie tell ya something, Mean Joe! This has EVERYTHING to do with the Farnster, BROTHER! Ya see, me and my little Farns-a-maniacs, brother. We are immortal in Tampa Bay, man. And when the Trop is packed with fifteen hundred screaming Farns-a-maniacs, we are unstoppable! What I wanna know, brother, is what is HE doing here, DUDE?

MADDON: A little competition for the closer job is good for the team, Kyle. We’re a team. Remember that.

FARNSWORTH: A team, huh? Well, lemmie tell ya, Mean Joe, the Farnster’s tried the team thing, brother. Farns-a-mania was runnin’ wild in Chicago, man, and they turned on me and piledrove me right through Wrigley Field, DUDE. The Yankees Pearl Harbored the Farnster and left me layin’ in my own blood, brother! Twice with the Tigers, twice with the Braves, gimmie ONE GOOD REASON why me and my little Farnsters should trust YOU, BROTHER!

MADDON: Christ, I don’t have time for this today, Kyle. Fine.

/puts on silly sunglasses and sequence covered cowboy hat

MADDON: Ahem. Ooooh, yeeeeah! Farnster! I can see the mistrust in your eyes, brother. But you and the Macho Maddon got two things in common, yeah. ONE. We’re the best at what we do, DIG IT? And TWO. We both wanna be World Champions, uh huh. So look me in the eyes, YEAH, and shake my hand, brother. Cause together, the Farnster and the Macho Maddon can rule the baseball world! Oh yeah, DIG IT!

FARNSWORTH: Now you’re speakin’ my language, BROTHER!

/does ridiculous drawn out handshake with Maddon

MADDON: Sigh…

FARNSWORTH: What about you, DUDE?

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

FARNSWORTH: Now I know I’ve got the Macho Maddon in my corner and all the little 80 year old Tampa Farns-a-maniacs. But what about you? I remember you from Detroit, dude. You’ve seen The Farns in action, man. Remember what I did to Jeremy Affeldt, brother? Ask Paul Wilson what happens when you cross the Farns-a-maniacs! Do you see this right here?

/points to stupid barbed wire tattoo on arm

FARNSWORTH: That’s where the power lies, BROTHER! Every day the Farnster’s out ther hangin’ and bangin’ in the Channel District, man! The Farnster is training, sayin’ his prayers, and eatin’ his vitamins, DUDE! And if you EVER decide to cross the Farnster or his fifteen hundred screamin’ Rays fans…

/rips off jersey

/puffs cheeks and points at Rodney
FARNSWORTH: Then WHATCHA GONNA DO, when Farns-a-mania and the largest arm in the Tampa bullpen, runs wild on YOU!

/flexes for ten minutes

RODNEY: ¿Qué?

MADDON: Never mind, Fernando. C’mon. Let’s get out of here before he asks us to oil him up.

RODNEY: Lo odio aquí...

3 comments:

Mike F.M. said...

Fernando Rodney = Manuel from Fawlty Towers?

Jay Hathaway said...

That Hulk video is the greatest thing I have ever seen.  Hehe, Macho Maddon.

Matthew Rouser said...

Ohhh Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah!