Monday, January 2, 2012

Catfight: Ryan Raburn vs. Brennan Boesch

As much as I can possibly feel badly for a millionaire paid to play baseball for a living, I feel bad for Ryan Raburn. I have never seen a player crapped on by his own fanbase in Detroit more than The Ryno. Yeah, he makes dumb fielding mistakes. But he’s been put out there everywhere by Detroit. Don Kelly gets made-up stupid awards for that stuff. And don’t tell me because he’s so awesome. I remember the lost ball in the Metrodome and him screwing up a potential JV no-hitter. And sure, Raburn’s a slow starter. But I’ve seen the guy make game-saving diving grabs and carry the team on offense when he’s hot…yet no one ever seems to remember that. Or learn to spell his name.

On the other side of the coin, everyone in Tigerland seems to be in love with Brennan Boesch. I’ve seen people flip out at even the mention of trading him. But why? He has yet to do anything in a second half of a baseball season. He is a defensive liability of his own. He has awful plate discipline. And he hasn’t showered in at least three years.

So why does Boesch get a pass from the Tiger faithful while Raburn gets all their mLove and scorn?

Who can say, for sure…I mean, this is the same fanbase that overlooked Brandon Inge’s lack of offensive skill for over a decade. And it’s the same group that keeps telling me that Don Kelly is a productive Major Leaguer.

As always, I have the answer on telling who exactly is the better player using my EXTENSIVE scientific formula that I refer to as “Catfight”. So sit back and enjoy the battle of Boesch versus Rayburn Raburn! Ten catagories, only one winner.

Brennan Philip Boesch, Age 26, from Santa Monica, California.
Ryan Neil Raburn, Age 30, from Tampa, Florida.

1. Overall Stats (Last Two Years since that’s all BB has)

Boesch: 248 games, .269 Avg, 30 HR, 121 RBI, 2.5 WAR
Raburn: 234 games, .268 Avg, 29 HR, 111 RBI, 2.8 WAR

Advantage: Push. You can’t get much closer than that.

2. Career First Half Numbers

Boesch: 149 games, .321, 24, 93
Raburn: 223 games, .228, 20, 82

Advantage: Boesch. Obviously.

3. Career Second Half Numbers

Boesch: 99 games, .182, 6, 28
Raburn: 277 games, .300, 33, 122

Advantage: Raburn. By a mile.

4. Appearance

Boesch: Sweaty Meathead.
Raburn: Hilljack with tongue hanging out.

Advantage: Push. There are no winners here.

5. Most likely to talk to you about:

Boesch: Surfing.
Raburn: Country Music.

Advantage: Push. Either way you end up dumber.

6. Defense

Boesch: Plays like a puppy whose paws are too big for his body.
Raburn: Plays like the baseball is covered in AIDS.

Advantage: Raburn. Sorry, kids, he’s actually better than Boesch in the outfield, despite what you may hear from folks. As for infield…yikes. We might as well put a mannequin out there.

7. Potential

Boesch: His best is probably yet to come.
Raburn: Thinks “Potential” might be a Hank Williams Jr. song.

Advantage: Boesch.

8. Likelihood of Calling Me “Bro” or “Brah” If We Ever Meet

Boesch: 75%
Raburn: 0%

Advantage: Raburn.

9. Likelihood of Calling Me “Hoss” or “Y’all” If We Ever Meet

Boesch: 0%
Raburn: 108% (probably multiple times)

Advantage: Boesch.

10. Noted Nose Picker?

Boesch: Yup.
Raburn: Probably.

Advantage: Ryno. It’s all in not getting caught. Ask Tiger Woods. Or Kobe.

So by my INDESPUTABLE PROOF, you all owe Ryan Raburn a gigantic apology, as he is the winner 4-3 (3 ties) over Brennan Boesch.

But can’t we just reach a compromise and start Boesch from April to mid-July and Raburn from mid-July-October? Makes sense to me. I don’t know why Leyland and Company make everything so difficult…


JackB said...

I have problem with Raburn in the outfield - he's no superstar, but I think he's OK. I do remember one of those game-saving dives, as I was in the left-field seats pretty close to where he caught it. Just keep him out of the infield!

JackB said...

ARRRG! I have *NO* problem with him in the outfield...

Pawsdeep said...

Love them both and absolutely am dumbfounded by raburn haters, especially if he's playing the outfield. I'm still cautiously tossing out Boesch's second half this year due to the thumb injury. He had hurt it a lot earlier than we were told, and while I am a fucking idiot, I'm fairly certain that the thumb is pretty important when it comes to gripping a baseball bat.

I'd have scored the bout a push; getting caught picking your nose just tells me you don't give a shit and want the job done. Can't fault a man for being goal oriented, but am I the only one who's perplexed at the fact the 'California surfer kid' has the photo of him going knuckle deep for nasal gold, whilst there is not counter evidence of the same behavior from the "Texas huntin hillbilly' who could probably tell you more about Skoal and field dressing deer that he could about basic junior high math?

Brian Florip said...

LOVE the catfights! Great concept, brah!

EightMileCats said...

I like Boesch...  I don't mind Raburn -in the outfield-.  However, the most interesting part in the preview paragraph about people getting mad when Boesch comes up in trade rumors.  
I'm all for trading Boesch in the right deal.  If he can get us something really useful in the right package, pull the trigger.  Lord knows our farm in nothing to gloat about.  We have Turner, Castellanos, Smyly... and nothing else that's a super desirable trade chip.  Sure, you may be able to swing guys live Crosby or Oliver as part of a package, but I dunno that they make a center piece.

Link Murray said...

They will not win next year with Kelly and Inge sharing third base. No doubt in my mind.

Pawsdeep said...

I heard the same banter last year, and don't give me any of that bullshit about how Betemit saved the season; he only started about 20% of the games he was in a tigers uniform for. While 3rd is an issue, an Inge/whoever else is their platoon will be fine for one more year.
I seriously hope your not trolling this site; it would be pretty pointless.

Gerry Heffield said...

I don't see the word "Betemit" in the guys comment at all. And having the choice of 2 virtual automoatic outs in a lineup can never help.  Also, in 3rd grade they usually teach that when you are using a contraction to say YOU ARE that it is typically spelled "YOU'RE".

Pawsdeep said...

Calm down there turbo. First off, eluding to an answer when definates were stated can allow me to bring a third party in to emphasize a point. They DID win with Inge/kelly, and BETEMIT wasn't an answer to fix the problem that he said they couldn't win with; see how that third party can emphasize negation of a point?

And if you want to go get your little red marker and go through grammar on the Internet, then you are a sad little man. If the grammar nazi wants to bust a capillary on me missing an 'e' in a conjunction, then I might recommend staying away from most sites where the general public freely post. YOUR red marker will be out of ink before you know it and the stress may kill you.

Don't get mad, bro. Youz can has a cheezberger to....fucking troll.

Heliosphan said...

I would say they're about even talent wise, with Boesch obviously having more upside. Statistically, Boesch is an odd duck. He hits better against lefties, and he obviously hits much better in the first half. Raburn is a good second half player, with consistent power. Unforunately, he K's in one out of every four at bats.