Monday, January 30, 2012

Twins Fans Only Fear Vegetables

I hate the Minnesota Twins. There are so many reasons why. 1987 is one. The memories of the abortion that was the Metrodome is another. I still wake up screaming at night over Game 163. The fact that their fans cheered for Nick Punto still puzzles me. I don’t like them or their fat, hunter/gatherer fans.

So when I was looking around on Yahoo for something to make fun of and I came across an article titled “Fan’s Take: Twins Shouldn’t Be Worried About the Tigers’ Big Signing”, you can imagine that I giggled with glee and immediately went through my list of nasty words to insult the author with.

I’ll try to keep it clean. But no promises.

Friday, January 27, 2012

The Unhappy Camper Embraces His Despair

ZEPHYR: Hello, Chrysanthum, dark angel of the abyss. I see you’ve arrived early for our weekly meeting of the dark children of evil. Welcome to my lair.
CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. The moon is full and my despair has reached unfathomable levels. Also, your mom said to be sure we’re done down here by ten before her bridge club arrives.

ZEPHYR: Oh, that foul woman. How she tortures me so. I long for the day when our dark lord arrives to strike her and her wicked ways down and deliver us to our destinies. Oh. I see you’ve brought someone with you this enchanted evening.

CHRYSANTHUM: Yes, Zephyr. We met at the 7-11 buying Slurpees. His sorrow matches and possibly surpasses even yours, I feel. He wishes to share his pain with us.

ZEPHYR: Oh my. I’ve longed for another to share despair on my level. And what is your name, child of the night?

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Prince Charming or Prince of Thieves?

Oh, what a witty headline. I should write for a major newspaper, I tell you.

To be honest, I don't know what else to say about the Prince Fielder signing. Well, other than maybe typing "YIPPIE" over and over a thousand times. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Sure, it puts Miguel Cabrera out of position. But it's not our money. And Big Mig is such a pro that I can see him using the next year to get himself into much better shape and work hard on improving his 3B skills. I think he'll be better at third than most people realize.

But there's plenty of other good (and bad) stories to read on the Prince signing. Here's a few that stood out to me.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Of Course, Drew Sharp is Playing Debbie Downer

The Prince Fielder signing has everyone in Tigertown doing cartwheels down the street. Well, everyone except for Drew Sharp of the Free Press. I know many of you have got to be exhausted from reading about Prince right now, but here’s a couple of “points” from Drew’s piece crapping on our parade that has me shaking my head.

How the Prince Fielder Deal Got Done

DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Oh, what the hell am I going to do here? A month until Spring Training and we still have no DH! Johnny Damon? Broken down Vlad Guerrero? I’d rather have that clown Raburn do it, for crying out loud. I need some Rolaids. Or perhaps a shot of bourbon.

/buzzer on desk sounds

SECRETARY: Mr. Dombrowski? Mr. Ilitch is here to see you. He looks upset.

DOMBROWSKI: Just wonderful. Send him in.

SECRETARY: No, Mr. I. You pull the door to get it open. No, sir, I didn’t change the doorknobs overnight. No, sir, Ted Turner isn’t behind this. There you go…

/door opens gingerly


Prince Fielder is your newest Detroit Tiger at 9 years/$214 million.  Early word suggests that Miguel Cabrera may be moving back to third base.  Brandon Inge was last seen wandering down Detroit side streets muttering to himself sadly.

I couldn't be more surprised if I woke up this morning with my head sewn to the carpet.  More on this later after I change my underpants.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

How Kirk Gibson Made Me Hate My Father

I have a seven year old son. And my biggest fear as he grows up is that I’m going to do something to screw up his life and/or make him hate me in some way. I think all parents mess up their kids unintentionally, at least a little, but you just have to do your best to avoid it as much as possible.

Thus far, my kid hasn’t had much interest in baseball. When it comes to sports, all he cares about is Michigan football since his mother graduated from there and has brainwashed him into yelling “Go Blue” at his Notre Dame loving dad at every chance he gets. I remember dragging him in front of the TV in the ninth inning of JV’s last no-hitter and he couldn’t have cared less. He just wanted to get back to his video games. But I remain hopeful that one day we’ll be able to bond over Tigers baseball.

As for myself, I never had that kind of bond with my father. He wasn’t much of a baseball fan and only watched football if his team happened to be winning that season (Cowboys or Packers depending on the year…sigh). The only “sport” he seemed to care for was Nascar, and I would have rather watched Lifetime movies with my mom than watch a bunch of rednecks drive 500 miles in a circle.

Still, at least once a year, the old man would give in and take his excited kid to Tiger Stadium to watch the hapless bunch of idiots that the Tigers fielded in the late 80’s and early 90’s. And I’ll never forget the last time he did so. Because that was the day that I decided I was pretty sure I didn’t like my dad anymore. He would give me plenty more reasons to hate him as I got older, but this is where it all began. And it’s all because of Kirk Gibson.

Let me explain.

Friday, January 20, 2012 the Dominican Republic

This entry is dedicated to each and every Indians fan that chose to mock me about the unfortunate injury suffered by Victor Martinez.

(Meanwhile…in the Dominican Republic…)
OFFICER PEREZ: Wow! I can’t believe you kids managed to catch the dreaded Dominican Swamp Monster! This demon has terrorized us for months! Gracias, my new friends.
FRED: Hey, glad to help! Right, gang?

VELMA: Just another day in the life of the Scooby Doo Detective Agency!
SWAMP MONSTER: Roaaaar! Grrrrrr!

SHAGGY: Zoinks…let’s get away from this thing! I’m hungry. Can we get something to eat now?


DAPHNE: First, we need to see who he really is!

FRED: Right!

/tears off mask

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Lynn Henning Channels His Inner Chicken Little

In the wake of Victor Martinez pulling a Carlos Guillen, Lynn Henning of the Detroit News held a Q & A with his fan club at the News site.

What ended up being sillier? The reader questions or Lynn’s answers? Certainly the DEAN of Tiger writers can calm down the masses in the aftermath of Victor's injury, right? As long as you’re prepared to bang your head against the closest wall, read along with me and let’s find out! It’s been a while since I went on a cursing rampage…

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Oh My God, They Killed Victor. You Bastards!

We’ve been hearing it the past few months from several Tiger fans. “What a boring offseason.” “Why isn’t there any Tiger news?” “Zzzzzz.”

Today, a bit over a month before pitchers and catchers report, we found out that Victor Martinez tore his ACL and will most likely miss the entire 2012 season.

I read the news on Twitter while at work today and think I handled the news as well as I could. First, I screamed the f-word for about five minutes straight in the office. Then I made several “I hate everything” texts to some fellow Tiger fans. Next, I went upstairs and threatened to fire a cook for some stupid reason. After that, I called my bartender a dumb whore. Don’t worry…they’re used to it.

And now, my stages of grief progression has reached the “What do we do now?” portion of development. The obvious thing to do is sign one of the remaining free agents out there to replace V-Mart as the DH. And the following is a look at who’s available and other possible solutions.

Also, real quick, keep in mind that Prince Fielder is not an option. They don’t have $20 million to throw at Cecil’s boy. Also, Lynn Henning tweeted that the team will get back around half of Victor’s $13 million salary from their insurance company. So there’s a little bit of money to play with here for a short term option.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The 2006 Tigers: Where Are They Now?

On Sunday, when I heard that Joel Zumaya had reached a deal with the Twins, it dawned on me that only three guys remain from the 2006 World Series Tigers team. That seems insane to me. Was it really that long ago? Time flies, I guess.

Forty guys saw action in at least one game for Detroit in ’06. Today I thought I’d take a look at what has become of each of them since losing to the Cardinals a little over five years ago. If I’m wrong about any of this, feel free to correct me in the comments. I am, after all, a moron.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Extinct Tigers: Skeeter Barnes

As I enjoy talking about obscure Tiger players from the past (and have nothing better to write about currently), expect to see this be a reoccurring blog subject until we get into Spring Training. Well, that or until we have another Tiger get arrested before making it to Lakeland.

Today I would like to spend some time talking about an unlikely Tiger hero from the early 90’s. He was Detroit’s version of Crash Davis before Max St. Pierre tried to steal the gimmick last year. He is infielder/outfielder/pinch hitter extraordinaire Skeeter Barnes.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Why is Larkin in HOF and Trammell Isn't?

I’ve talked before about how I’m a “Small Hall” guy. I think only the best of the best should be in Cooperstown. If it were up to me, the place would be made up of Babe Ruth, Hank Aaron, Willie Mays, Ted Williams, Ty Cobb, maybe three other guys, and a janitor to keep the place tidy.

But I’m not talking about MY idea of the Hall of Fame today. I’m talking about the actual one. And the fact that Barry Larkin made it in with 86.4% of the vote and Alan Trammell only got 36.8% is ridiculous and makes no sense. If you’re going to let a very good, but not great, player like Larkin in, then Trammell should be enshrined right next to him. They were practically the same player, for crissakes.

So the question is, why is Larkin such a favorite of the voters, while Trammell might as well be Joe Blow? Well, let’s try and figure that out.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Extinct Tigers: Paul Bako

It’s easy to write about Tiger legends like Ty Cobb, Hank Greenberg, Al Kaline, or Alan Trammell. But in “Extinct Tigers”, I’ll occasionally look back at some of the lesser players to pass through the D and impact me in some way. Is it because every player is special? Is it because I’m bored? Is it because I really buy into the “Always a Tiger” thing?

Yeah…it’s probably because I’m bored. The first subject is former Tigers catcher, Paul Bako.

Thursday, January 5, 2012 Tampa

JOE MADDON: Well, it sounds like we have a deal, my friend. Welcome to the Tampa Bay Rays family! Guess we gotta find you a new hat to wear.
FERNANDO RODNEY: Gracias, Señor Maddon.

MADDON: Great to have you. Ya know, we almost didn’t get this done. For some reason, our GM wanted Todd Jones, but he’s happily retired. Then he had his sights set on Jason Grilli. I thought he was dead, but turns out he’s with the Pirates now. Can you believe that?


MADDON: Yessir. Say, you don’t happen to know what Bobby Seay’s up to, do you?


MADDON: Ahh, never mind.

/loud crash heard in hallway

MADDON: Ahh, crap. Cover your ears for his theme music.


/loud music cranks up

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Who's Your (Non) Tiger?

My favorite non-Tigers of all time are Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio. I even own an Astros hat in honor of the duo. And as I’ve been reading several articles lately on why Bags will get screwed out of a Hall of Fame induction next week, it got me thinking about whom my current favorite players are today that don’t play in Detroit.

This may come as a shock to many of you, but I don’t hate everyone in baseball. Just mainly Derek Jeter and anyone on the Red Sox. But that doesn’t mean I’m a fan of everyone, obviously, either. So I set out to make a list of guys that I would love to see somehow transplanted to the D so I could openly support them and not feel like a jackoff.

One rule, though. No guys that used to play for Detroit. I feel it would be cheating to make a list with guys like Granderson, Polanco, and so on.

So here we go. Nothing better to talk about unless you’re an Eric Patterson fan. Well, that, or you think Fernando Rodney and Kyle Farnsworth battling for the Tampa closer job is as funny as I do. Maybe I'll do something on that at a later time...

Monday, January 2, 2012

Catfight: Ryan Raburn vs. Brennan Boesch

As much as I can possibly feel badly for a millionaire paid to play baseball for a living, I feel bad for Ryan Raburn. I have never seen a player crapped on by his own fanbase in Detroit more than The Ryno. Yeah, he makes dumb fielding mistakes. But he’s been put out there everywhere by Detroit. Don Kelly gets made-up stupid awards for that stuff. And don’t tell me because he’s so awesome. I remember the lost ball in the Metrodome and him screwing up a potential JV no-hitter. And sure, Raburn’s a slow starter. But I’ve seen the guy make game-saving diving grabs and carry the team on offense when he’s hot…yet no one ever seems to remember that. Or learn to spell his name.

On the other side of the coin, everyone in Tigerland seems to be in love with Brennan Boesch. I’ve seen people flip out at even the mention of trading him. But why? He has yet to do anything in a second half of a baseball season. He is a defensive liability of his own. He has awful plate discipline. And he hasn’t showered in at least three years.

So why does Boesch get a pass from the Tiger faithful while Raburn gets all their mLove and scorn?

Who can say, for sure…I mean, this is the same fanbase that overlooked Brandon Inge’s lack of offensive skill for over a decade. And it’s the same group that keeps telling me that Don Kelly is a productive Major Leaguer.

As always, I have the answer on telling who exactly is the better player using my EXTENSIVE scientific formula that I refer to as “Catfight”. So sit back and enjoy the battle of Boesch versus Rayburn Raburn! Ten catagories, only one winner.