Thursday, November 15, 2012

A New Home

Be careful what you wish for. Beginning Monday, 11/19/12, I'm back.

Go here to see the new home of my idiotic ramblings. Tell your friends. And thanks for the support. You guys rock.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Encore: #Miggy4MVP



Hello. I hope you are all well. It’s been a month and a half since I signed off here at DesigNate Robertson to deal with my recent family health problems. And I have to tell you, I was blown away by the reaction and positive wishes I received from so many of you. It meant more than you know and I cannot thank you enough.

I have good news. We’re not out of the woods yet, but things are improving. Life is settling down again and for now, things are looking up. I hope to and plan on returning to writing about the Tigers by Spring Training of 2013. It won’t be here, though. I want to start fresh with a new site. I’m proud of a lot of things I’ve done here at DNR, but there’s a lot of it that I’m not so happy with at the same time. Plus I think the Nate Robertson reference is dated and needs to go. He's been through enough. Therefore, I’m going to come up with something new and start with a clean slate. I’ll let you know when the time comes where to find me. Stay tuned.

But that’s not why I’m writing this “Encore” piece today. No, this is about a man named Miguel Cabrera. A man that I feel should be voted the MVP of the American League in 2012. And it’s about a particular writer that I am not a fan of and his piece at Yahoo demeaning those that feel Cabrera should be voted the MVP over Mike Trout. His name is Jeff Passan and he’s the worst.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The End

Well, this isn’t easy.

They say all good things must come to an end. While I’d hesitate to call this site “good”, it is indeed coming to an end.

If you don’t care for the details, I understand and just thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this goofy blog from time to time. For the rest of you, read on and I’ll try and explain.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Keeping Score: Yankees @ Tigers, 8/8/12


Lord Jeter, former Tiger hero Curtis Granderson, and the rest of the Evil Empire are in Detroit. That seems like good enough reason to do a running blog of a game. And tonight it’s Anibal Sanchez against CC Sabathia. It’s the Detroit debut of Jeff Baker. And it’s a day the Tigers have an opportunity to move back into first place in the AL Central. Can they make it seven straight wins?

The game’s about to start so let’s begin Keeping Score. Warning, there will be cursing. It is a Yankees game, after all.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Life Isn't Fair

The Tigers have announced that they have released left-hander Fu-Te Ni from Triple A Toledo. Son of a bitch!

Let's look at our updated list.

Nate Robertson
Gary Sheffield
Jeremy Bonderman
Joel Zumaya
Brad Thomas
Casper Wells
Will Rhymes
David Pauley
Clete Thomas
Brandon Inge
Don Kelly
Fu-Te Ni

Delmon and Raburn will be gone at the end of the year, if not sooner. What's that gonna leave me to work with? Boesch? Crazy Mike and Double D? Ugh.

QUIT GETTING RID OF ALL MY SILLY CHARACTERS, DETROIT! Do NOT make me actually have to think to come up with material! Pricks.

Sigh. Falewerr my fliend. Good ruck whelevel you end up. Sank you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Grumpy Old Man Strikes Again


It’s been a while since we’ve taken a look at one of Jerry Green’s popular “get off my lawn” articles from the Detroit News. Luckily, Mr. Green has supplied us with one this week that’s quite the doozy. How nice of him.

Detroit’s crankiest commentator (that actually lives in California) is upset this week over the Wild Card and also the trade deadline. More than 4/30 teams in the playoffs? Hogwash! Players switching teams instead of being locked into the same franchise for a decade or more? Poppycock!

If we’re lucky, we might hear some complaining about gas no longer being a nickel per gallon, these darn kids everywhere wearing skirts above their knees, and that doggone hippity hop music. FDR wouldn’t stand for it, I tell you!

Yeah. Let’s begin.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Who is the New DNR Idol?

RYAN FIELD: Good day, everyone, and welcome to DNR Idol. Today we will finally decide exactly WHO will be the new scapegoat for everything that goes wrong with the Tigers! With Don Kelly being DFA’d, a new member of the team must become the butt of most of the jokes of DesigNate Robertson. We’ve lost Kelly, Brandon Inge, the Davids, Pauley and Purcey, and of course, the Patron Saint Nate Robertson. So a new champion must be crowned. We have it narrowed down to the Final Four, so let’s not waste any more time! Exactly WHO will become the NEW DNR IDOL?!?

/crowd cheers

Friday, August 3, 2012

Smell Ya Later, Don Kelly

"And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day."

Don Kelly was DFA'd by the Tigers today. Ya know, they sure know how to make a sick, smartass blogger guy feel better. The reign of terror of the Warlock of Suck that is Don Kelly is over. Good gawd, if the vet puts Schlereth down and they drive Boesch out to a nice field and speed off leaving him behind...I might actually start liking this team again.

In all seriousness, Don Kelly might be the nicest player in baseball. And you'll have a hard time finding a better teammate. This blog is no fun without a whipping boy and Donnie did his job well. I'll never forget the sight of JV setting him fire. What a nice moment in time. I wish him nothing but the best for him and his lovely family in the future.

Unless the Twins sign him. You know they're thinking about it. In that case, I hope Kelly trips on one of Mauer's sideburns and breaks his neck.

Thanks for always doing you best, Don. Guess I need a new Public Enemy Number One around here.
Yeah. I'm looking at you, buddy. Learn to take a pitch and quit dogging it in the field or we're not going to be able to be friends.

How Was Your Week?

My apologies to anyone that's stopped by here in the past week looking for their daily fix of Detroit Tigers doodie jokes. I seem to have come down with SARS or a bird flu of some kind and have been unconscious and/or hacking up my lungs for several days. To be honest, I haven't seen a game all week or been online. I assume that Sanchez/Infante deal has turned the season around immediately and we're comfortably in first place by a mile now, right?

I wanted to make it to Detroit on Saturday and try and ruin the BYB Meet Up for everyone, but that's not going to happen now. Give me a few days to get back to normal and caught up at work and I'll try to come up with something here for Monday or Tuesday. In the meantime, if you're in the Toledo area and you see a 6'4 goofball stumbling around and coughing up his kidneys, do a brother a favor and shoot me in the f'n head.

Thanks.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Tigers Roundtable, Volume Two


I still stand by my opinion that “Tigers Weekly” is pointless, boring garbage. Thus, it should be replaced. My idea remains for a weekly roundtable of people connected to Detroit Tigers baseball discussing current events surrounding the team. The following is the second installment imagining what that might be like.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

The Tigers Must Make Another Trade


As I’ve now had two days to reflect on the big Sanchez/Infante trade, one thing has become clear to me. And that’s that Dave Dombrowski still has work to do.

We need another bat. I’ve said for a while that a corner outfielder with some pop in his bat needed to be the Tigers’ top priority at the trade deadline, not second base or a pitcher. I think the team was good enough to win the AL Central without making the deal with the Marlins. And yes, it did make them better and give them a better shot at making the World Series. But it’s not enough.

Austin Jackson is fine in center. But the LF, RF, DH combination of Quintin Berry, Andy Dirks, Brennan Boesch, Ryan Raburn, and Delmon Young does not bode well when matching up in the playoffs against the Rangers, Angels, and Yankees. Boesch and Young are too impatient, too hot and cold, and awful on defense. Raburn is a lost cause at this point. Even I finally admit that. Dirks is unproven and not guaranteed to continue his hot start. And Berry, while a fast runner with the heart of a lion/unicorn hybrid, has come back to earth hitting .226 in July and .133 in the past week.

Again, I feel this team takes the AL Central easily barring any serious injury issues. But you can’t count on 2011 Victor Martinez riding into town to save the day. Another move needs to be made if they want to win it all. As I was preparing to write this today, I saw that Lynn Henning wrote something similar for the News. After being completely horrified for a while that Lynn and I were on the same page for the first time since the Granderson trade, I couldn’t help noticing that while Henning had a similar idea, he offered no solutions.

That’s where we differ. With the additional Wild Card team this year, everyone says there’s less selling teams in 2012. Well, there are eleven teams (only three from the AL) that are ten or more games back in their divisions. I’m confident in saying they’ll be selling if they’re smart. The Tigers need a corner outfielder, preferably one that bats right-handed. Here’s a look at those teams and the potential trade targets on each.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Trader Dave Does It Again

Unless you live under a rock, you’ve heard about the trade. The Tigers dealt Jacob Turner, Rob Brantly, and Brian Flynn to the Marlins for Omar Infante and Anibal Sanchez. The teams also swapped compensation picks, with the Fish getting the Tigers pick after the 2nd round and Detroit getting Miami’s one after the 1st.

At first, I wasn’t sure how to feel about the deal. I had become infatuated with the idea of prying James Shields and possibly Ben Zobrist from Tampa in a similar trade. But the more I look at it, the more I understand and like it.

Before we get into that, let’s take a look at the newest Tigers.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Second Base Insanity

There’s nothing quite like watching your baseball team when they are hotter than Kate Upton posing next to a case of beer and a plate of bacon. Yet some people are never satisfied. A guy came into the bar yesterday with a Tigers hat on. I got him a drink and said something about the team overtaking first place.

“Yeah. But they’re not going to keep it without getting a second baseman. Ryan Raburn is terrible.”

Never mind that Ramon Santiago and Danny Worth have seen the majority of the time there lately because, yeah, Raburn is awful this year. Never mind that the team is streaking and has taken claim of the AL Central. No, people are STILL hung up on second base, as if it’s the most important offensive position on the baseball diamond. And what topped it off is when he told me who he wanted the team to get. And it’s a thought I’ve seen repeated over and over by Tiger fans the past couple months.

And it’s insane.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Catfight: Brennan Boesch vs. Delmon Young

The Tigers are in the middle of a pennant race approaching the trading deadline. Yet somehow I find myself becoming more and more detached from this team in 2012. Maybe it has to deal with the losses of Magglio Ordonez and Victor Martinez. Maybe it’s the growing number of irrational and/or suddenly entitled feeling Tiger fans that are popping up everywhere. I can’t really fully explain it, but I think a big part of it lies in the fact that I really don’t care for the majority of the players on the team this year.

Sure, Cabrera, Jackson, Verlander, Scherzer, Victor, and Coke are favorites of mine. And I have that weak spot in my heart for the hapless Raburn. But the rest of the guys, to be honest, I wouldn’t be heartbroken if they left Detroit tomorrow. This is something new to me and I’m not sure I like it.

That being said, with the exception of Ryan Raburn, there are two guys that have drawn the ire of the fans possibly more than anyone else this year. Those guys are Delmon Young and Brennan Boesch. And with the rumor mill circulating talk of the Tigers acquiring a corner outfielder by July 31st, one of these two may be out of a job.

But who stays and who goes? How does one possibly make such an important decision? Easy.

You have a Catfight.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Los Angeles Angels

To be honest, I forgot to do one of these for the Orioles since it’s been so long since Detroit’s played a team they haven’t faced thus far this season. I’ll get to them when they visit Detroit.

Instead, it’s time to take a look at our most hated rival from out West, the California Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Can we sign Carlos Guillen to a four day contract just for this series?

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Bill Simonson is an Idiot, Volume 185

After a break from complaining about the Tigers, probably because they were playing well, Bill Simonson is back with his latest offering of the finest in babbling nonsense one can find concerning the Detroit Tigers.

It is titled “Detroit Tigers must consider trades to upgrade, make run at AL Central and World Series”. Catchy, huh? This was chosen over the initial headline of “Ryan Raburn is a doodiehead and let’s talk about unrealistic trades that won’t happen”.

Deep breath, all…

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Keeping Score: 2012 All-Star Game

Ahh, the MLB All-Star Game. It’s the contest that the players and managers don’t take seriously, even though home field advantage in the World Series is on the line because Bud Selig is stupid. It’s a glorious time.

And the week is off to a good start with Nick Castellanos winning the MVP of the Futures Game and Prince Fielder taking home the Home Run Derby title. With Prince and Miguel Cabrera playing tonight and our own Justin Verlander as the AL’s starting pitcher, the Tigers are well represented this week. And just think…Austin Jackson, Joaquin Benoit, and Brayan Villarreal all had numbers worthy of the ASG, too. Not bad for a team that played like crap most of the first half.

I thought I’d kick back and do a Keeping Score of the mid-summer classic this year. As always when I do this, I warn you that this could turn out really good or really bad. There’s little in between with these.

I’ll do my best.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

A Look at the 40 Man Roster

As we hit the All-Star break, it’s inevitable that the 40 man roster will be changing in upcoming weeks as Dave Dombrowski makes some moves in an attempt to put the Tigers in a better position to win the AL Central. I thought now would be a good time to run through the roster and offer thoughts on each man.

The list is in the order of my personal preferences of each player. I’ll also include where the player ranked the last time I did one of these (2/19/12). And actually, with injuries, there are 43 players on the 40 man roster as of this writing. Since my opinions on some players change by the hour because I’m a moody psychopath, there are a couple big jumps in where guys appear.

I’d have had this up sooner, but the storms in the past week had knocked my internet out for days. I’m not complaining as many are still without power around here. Enough of that and onto the list…

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tiger Droppings: Halfway Over Edition


No attempt at a somewhat witty into this time. I’ve got a few topics I want to cover including the All-Star Game, hating on Prince Fielder, Ryan Raburn, and more. Also, I’m mildly drunk.

We’re at the halfway point in the season. This is the first time the Tigers under Jim Leyland have been under .500 after 81 games. No more screwing around, okay? Here we go.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

The Great Rogo-nac Returns Once Again

A long time ago, before Jay Leno destroyed any reason to watch, “The Tonight Show” was hosted by one of the most brilliant comic minds in history, a man named Johnny Carson. One of his trademark bits that he performed along with his always laughing sidekick Ed McMahon was that of “Carnac The Magnificent”. It’s been ten months since we at DesigNate Robertson have been dropped in on by our bastardized version of Carnac and it’s high time for another visit.

Since I’m assuming 90% of my readers have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m getting old, here’s a link to an old Carnac on Youtube if you’re having trouble following along. I’d like to apologize to any longtime readers if I recycle any old jokes. Like that’s anything new here…

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Tigers Roundtable, Volume One


Hello, friends. Miss me? Didn’t think so.

A while back, I came up with the idea of a “Tigers Roundtable” show to replace the boring, pointless “Tigers Weekly” that FSD features. I thought I’d imagine such a roundtable show today to recap what I missed in my week away from DesigNate Robertson.

Let’s take a look.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

I'm Listed As Day-To-Day

For those of you that stop by often for your daily dose of stupidity on my part, I wanted to give you a heads up that I'm taking the next week or so off from the site. I'll be spending the majority of the time moving DNR Headquarters once again as I try to break Octavio Dotel's record for most moves in a ten year span. Has to be done.

So enjoy the team playing like champions one day and chumps the next. Enjoy whoever decides to get hurt on a stupid play this week. Enjoy crazy people wanting to trade Nick Castellanos to Seattle for Dustin Ackley, as I read on another site the other day. Yeah..enjoy all that.

I should be back around by next weekend with something. As always, I'll be around on twitter complaining about everything if you need me.

Take care of each other.

And Max Scherzer, bless you, man. Give 'em hell.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Team Meeting: Dirtbags and A-holes


DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Gentlemen. Thank you for coming to the park early today for this meeting. For starters, let me say how happy Jim, Mr. Ilitch, and I have been with your play lately. You’ve shown remarkable poise after a rough start and have responded like the star players we think you can be. However, Jim and I have talked and we just feel like something’s missing. And that’s what I’d like to speak to you about today. Jim would do the majority of the talking, but as I understand it, many of you can’t understand a word he says.
JIM LEYLAND: (mumble) Bunchofcrapyoumorons. (spits food everywhere)

DOMBROWSKI: Ahem. As I was saying, there are a couple of qualities we feel some of you are lacking. Here. Let me hold up a picture. Tell me what you see.
DOMBROWSKI: Garden gnome? No…Lucky Charms mascot? Nice guess, but again, no. No, this is a dirtbag. Notice how undersized he is. The grit. The scrappiness. The hustle that exudes from him. I know many of you mistook him for the bat boy when he was here, but believe it or not, he played some second base. He is Will Rhymes and he had heart. He was a sparkplug. Sure, he wasn’t very good…

LEYLAND: (cough) Betterthanthesecondbasemenwehavenow… (wheeze)

DOMBROWSKI: But he made up for it with how bad he wanted it. Now many of you have talent, but you don’t show it on every play out there. That’s what we want out of you as “dirtbags”. Now there’s another quality we’re looking for. Let me show you another picture and you tell me what you see.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 St. Louis Cardinals

When I think of the 2006 season, I’m flooded with great memories. Kenny Rogers dominating the playoffs. Placido Polanco going off in the ALDS and ALCS. Justin Verlander coming into our lives. Joel Zumaya blowing away the competition. And of course, Magglio taking Huston Street deep.

But what my subconscious seems to always try to block out was how bad the team performed in the World Series. With the exception of Rogers and Sean Casey, the team went to hell and lost the Series in 5 games. And they lost to an inferior Cardinals team that had only won 83 games during the regular season.

So yes, I do not like the Cardinals. And they are next up on the schedule for the Tigers, looking as pedestrian as they did in ’06 at 34-33. Here’s a look at them.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Shades of Gray (Not the Dirty Book)


I try to avoid talking politics with others. The reason is most people tend to lose all sense of reason when they get into such discussions. Democrat or Republican, Liberal or Conservative, Limbaugh or Olbermann…it’s all either black or white with a great deal of folks. I subscribe to the “common sense” or “shades of gray” point of view. I agree with many liberal views and I also believe in several ideas normally associated with the conservative way of thinking. But I refuse to back a viewpoint just because it’s my so-called “party line”.

And I’m the same way with baseball. I enjoy using what I watch at the park or on my TV to evaluate a player. And I often get a kick out of digging into numbers on baseball-reference to enhance or even modify those views. But I get annoyed with those that insist on only doing so one way or the other.

That brings me to seemingly everyone’s topic of choice lately, a Mister Quintin Berry, 27 year old rookie outfielder on your Detroit Tigers. Kurt at Bless You Boys touched on this earlier, as has nearly every other Tiger blog. But I want to go a bit further and get into our silly fanbase for a second. I must warn you, though, it's not going to be pretty.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Colorado Rockies

I’m a day late on this. My bad. Detroit lost Game One of this series in embarrassing fashion, giving up eight runs in the top of the tenth inning. Considering that the Rockies came into the series struggling like few other teams in baseball, this is a depressing thing. Every time people feel like the Tigers are “turning the corner”, they wind up running right into a brick wall.

Here’s my warped look at the Rockies.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

20 Best Names in the Tigers Organization


The man in that picture is “The Upstate Baller” himself, Casper Wells. And though I don’t consider him much of a ballplayer (and kind of a goof), I was sad to see him and Charlie Furbush leave the organization. Why? Because I admit, I’m a fan of guys with goofy names in the Tigers system. It’s why I always make sure to have Lastings Milledge and Reggie Abercrombie on my MLB: The Show minor league teams.

So today, I thought I’d take a look at the top twenty names we’ve got floating around on the rosters from Detroit, Toledo, Erie, Lakeland, West Michigan, and even the new guys from the 2012 Draft. They don’t need sound kind of dirty to my 13 year old mind, but it’ll probably help. Long live Furbush.

Here’s the list.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Answering the Questions of the Troll King


Thanks to everyone for the mostly positive feedback to yesterday’s Tiger Fan Quiz. I appreciate it and am glad to see so many people willing to not always take this game so seriously.

And due to the quiz, I had to wait a day before getting into our weekly visits with Bill Simonson’s work at mLive. This week, “The King of Trolls” has questions for several Detroit and Michigan sports figures (plus Tiger Woods?). With these men being way too important and/or classy to indulge our favorite local idiot, I am happy to do so since I am neither important and/or classy.

So pull out your Tums and get your facepalms ready. It’s HUGE time.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The "Are You A Good Tigers Fan?" Test


As you may have noticed, especially if you read the “Know Thy Enemy” posts, I like to make fun of other teams’ fanbases. It’s all meant in good fun. In reality, fans are fans. Every team has “good” fans and “bad” ones. Not every Red Sox fan is a racist douchebag. Not every Dodgers fan leaves the game in the sixth inning. And not every Yankee fan is a date rapist. (Yes they are.)

But the same applies to us Tiger fans. We have our good ones and yes, we have some annoying fans, too. If you don’t believe me, you’ve never seen people doing the wave in the ninth inning of a tied game at Comerica or read comments from people that agree with Bill Simonson’s ramblings.

But how can you tell what kind of fan YOU are? If you think about it, no one ever thinks they’re a bad fan. They’re oblivious and you yourself reading this might be one of them. Oh noes!

What I have done is come up with a simple twenty question multiple choice test that will help you realize what kind of fan you, in fact, are. Thank me later. So get a piece of paper, a Number 2 pencil, and get ready. There is no time limit, but I do ask that you answer honestly and choose the best answer possible.

Eyes on your own work! Let’s begin.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Chicago Cubs


After Sunday’s miracle comeback against ESPN’s newest dreamboat, Aroldis Chapman, the hobbled Tigers of Detroit have now won TWO games in a row. A victory on Tuesday would qualify for an honest to goodness winning streak. Someone hold me, I’m frightened.

And next on the schedule are the Chicago Cubs, who are competing with the Padres to be the worst team in baseball right now. The Tigers NEED to win two of three against the hapless Cubbies, and a sweep would be even better. This is a fantastic opportunity to close the gap in the Central before we get into the heavy rotation of Central foes coming up late in the year.

Here’s a look at the franchise that last won a World Series in 1908, the longest championship drought in American professional sports.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Extinct Tigers: Brad Ausmus

With little to add to any current discussion about our struggling baseball team, I thought I’d resurrect one of my old gimmicks on the site and take a look at a forgotten hero from the past. Previous “Extinct Tigers” pieces have looked at “legends” like Skeeter Barnes and Paul Bako.

But with many talking about possible trades and actual trade deadline looming next month, I can’t help but reflect on a favorite of mine that was always nervous around trade time. That’s because Detroit traded him or traded for him multiple times. I’m of course speaking of ex-Tiger catcher, Brad Ausmus.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Cincinnati Reds


Thursday afternoon, the Tigers did something odd. They won a baseball game. Derek Lowe, despite the sinking action, throws mainly fastballs in the strike zone. That’s there perfect kind of starter for the impatient Tiger hitters to feast on, and they did. Notice that once the Tribe went to the pen, the bats went silent again. This is not good.

Maybe some interleague is what the wounded warriors of Detroit need to get back to .500. Friday, they make their first visit to a National League park with a trip to Cincinnati. Here’s my uneducated look at the Reds.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Keeping Score: Indians @ Tigers 6/6/12


Keeping Score, for those of you new to this site, is simply a running dialogue of the inside of my mind during a baseball game. Batter by batter we’ll go until the end. Sometimes it’s a train wreck, I admit. But occasionally, it turns out well. We’ll see how this one goes.

I can’t believe it’s June and I haven’t done one of these yet this season. Oh well. It’s what’s left of the injury ravaged Detroit Tigers versus the brutal savage Indians of Cleveland.

FEEL THE EXCITEMENT. Or something.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Bill Simonson: A New Low in Stupidity

Obviously, the first third of the season has been frustrating for the Tigers and their fans. We all had high expectations for the team coming into 2012 and due to injuries, several players underperforming, some bad umpiring, and a lot of bad luck, the team sits four games under .500 and six games out of first place.

It sucks. And it’s normal to be upset about it. I even went off a bit last week. But most rational fans realize that considering all that’s gone wrong, the Tigers really aren’t that far out of the hunt. Two weeks of good baseball could turn it all around. The toughest part of the schedule is over with. Once the team gets healthy, things can’t help but improve. It’s still way too early to throw in the towel or do something drastic.

Granted, that is the thought process of the rational fan. Bill Simonson is not a rational fan. He is a pest, a moron, and the voice of the irrational poor sports fan. You know that fan. The one that wants to call up Nick Castellanos and put him at second base, despite his inexperience and having never played the position. The one that wants to put all the blame on a single player, whether it be Brandon Inge, Ryan Raburn, or whoever this week’s whipping boy is. And he’s the kind of fan that wants to fire Jim Leyland every other week.

I’ve ignored Simonson recently to help my personal sanity, but I couldn’t help cursing audibly this afternoon while reading his drivel. And with nothing better to write about today, I felt we should revisit the almighty “Troll King” once again and prove wrong everything he says. It’s not too difficult a task, to be honest.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Magglio at the Bat

Sunday, the Tigers will have a ceremony to announce the retirement of the great Magglio Ordonez. Maggs, as many of you know, has been my favorite player every since Higginson's retirement and is in my top three ever. His skills, class, and leadership will be greatly missed. I look forward to being in attendance tomorrow to say goodbye to a man who's given us so much on the field.

As a dumb tribute, I reworked the old "Casey at the Bat" poem into one for Magglio's magical night in the 2006 ALCS. Here it is.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Fifty Games In: We Have Problems


23-27.

Raise your hand if you thought this is where the Tigers would be after 50 games? Yeah. Me neither.
I’m abandoning the Every Ten Games review idea. At least for now. Finding stuff to write about, especially when I normally try to keep a humorous view of the game at DNR, just isn’t very easy right now.

Instead, I thought I’d make a list of what has gone wrong this year off the top of my head. I came up with 25 much quicker than I should have.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Boston Red Sox


How is it possible that twice now, I’ve forgotten to do a Know Thy Enemy on the Sawx this year? They’re my favorite team to make fun of. How shameful of me.

Anyway, the Tigers dropped Game One of this series due to the OBVIOUS EVIL UMPIRE CONSPIRACY against Detroit. Jim Leyland is right. I blame Lynn Henning for umpires being terrible. Drew Sharp, too. Those jerks.

But Verlander pitches tonight so all is right in the world. And while all is right, we shall make jokes about Boston and their ridiculous fanbase.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Quintin Berry: Can We Keep Him, Dave? Can We?


I don’t like Juan Pierre. Never have. I would enjoy watching him be mauled by a pack of lions. And I never thought I’d enjoy having a Pierre-type player on the Tigers. But after five games of Quintin Berry, I find myself pleasantly surprised. Like Brad Eldred’s story, I’m a sucker for a long-term minor leaguer finally getting a shot at the show. And I guess I’m not used to seeing actual speed in a Tigers ballplayer.

When Austin Jackson comes back from the DL, the team is going to have to make a decision on Berry. Do they say “thanks” and send the 27 year old career minor leaguer back to the Mud Hens? Or do they reward the guy and keep him around?

If he stays, who goes? That’s what I thought I’d take a look at today.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's Arts & Crafts Day at DNR!

Hey, kids! Looking for a fun way to pass the time? Trying to come up with a fun activity for you and your significant other/kids/sibling/prostitute tied up in the basement? Lucky you, because it's ARTS & CRAFTS DAY at DesigNate Robertson!

Well, head on over to the Free Press site and scroll down a bit. There, you can download your very own Paper Detroit Tiger to make! So much fun! And they have ALL your favorite Tigers. And Collin Balester, too! Think of all the fun adventures you can have. I know I couldn't wait to get started.

But I'm not about to make a Justin Verlander, as seen above in the illustration from the freep. Everyone's going to be making a JV or a Cabrera. No, I decided that my son and I were going to go in a different direction...

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Time To Call People Out

I had something fun in mind for a post today involving the Free Press, my son, fire, and Don Kelly. But I’m not in a fun mood. So that’s going to have to wait. Stay tuned.

Yes, that is Michael Jordan’s picture on a Detroit Tigers blog. Why? Because not only is he the greatest player to ever step onto a basketball court, but he was its most fierce competitor. He gave his all in every performance, whether he was sick, hurt, or whatever. Just like Justin Verlander. But unlike Verlander, he was well known for driving his teammates to succeed, too. If he felt they were underperforming, he wasn’t afraid to call them out on it. And more often than not, they responded.

Kobe Byrant is the same way. In baseball, Derek Jeter and David Ortiz are known for it. I’m not usually big on things like “team chemistry” or whatnot, but I do believe that team leaders can and should call out those that are underperforming. With Verlander not an everyday player and the longest tenured Tiger being utility player Ramon Santiago, they probably aren’t the best guys for the job. Ideally, it should be Miguel Cabrera. That’s up to him if he’s ever going to be that man.

But someone needs to pull a Big Papi on this team. JV says there’s no point because they’re already angry. But it doesn’t seem like it. By their performance, they’re not angry enough. Because in my experience, you always play your best when properly pissed. Increased focus, a will to shut people up, and raw determination tend to come out through anger in sports.

Here’s what I personally would say to each person on the team.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

How To Vastly Improve "Tigers Weekly"

I may have a serious obsession with Tigers baseball. I’m not sure if it’s healthy or not.

For a couple years now, I’ve written on this silly blog 3-7 times per week about Detroit baseball. I spend way more time than is probably normal thinking about the stupid team throughout the day (What’s wrong with the lineup, who can contribute from Toledo, can I get away with murdering Boesch, etc). Even today, when my boss used the words “mute point”, I immediately decided this is how it must feel to work for Rod Allen.

So you’d think that a show called “Tigers Weekly” would appeal to me. I mean, it’s a weekly show about the Tigers on FSD. But you’d be wrong. I can’t stomach five minutes of it without wanting to stab out my eyes with a steak knife. It’s boring, it’s unwatchable, and it’s usually an insult to the viewer’s intelligence.

Monday, May 21, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Cleveland Indians


It seems as long as the Tigers can count on the starting pitchers to throw a one-hitter or a 15 strikeout game, they have a good chance at winning. That shouldn’t be too hard to keep up.

In reality, for all the DOOM and GLOOM surrounding the team thus far, they remain only 3 games out of first place in the AL Central. And wouldn’t you know it, Tuesday they start a 3 game series with the division leading Indians.

If you were going to give the United States an enema, you would stick the hose into Cleveland. So let’s take a look at the Tribe very, very carefully, okay?

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Every Ten Games: 40 Down, Not Quite 35-5

40 games down, 122 to go.

Things are still a mess. The team hasn’t won back-to-back games in over a month. Guys are still struggling, guys are getting hurt, and people are panicking.

How fun! Today’s 10 game report follows.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Pittsburgh Pirates


The Tigers suck right now. Thank Cobb that Verlander pitches tonight.

How’s that for an introduction? Up next is interleague play and the Pittsburgh Pirates. I’m not much of an expert on NL teams, but I’ll give this a shot.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Showing Concern...Not Panic


With still over three-quarters of the season remaining, it would be foolish to start banging on the panic button like a deranged Red Sox fan after a three game losing streak. But after getting swept by the Twins in a two game series and the overall record falling to 18-20, one can’t help but start being concerned about what’s going on with the ballclub right now.

Unlike some of the usual suspects than many of us read, I want to calmly, rationally take a look at the serious problems with the Tigers thus far and examine the likelihood of these problems fixing themselves. And in an unprecedented step, I want to examine possible solutions to the problems instead of simply trying to identify a scapegoat for them. Crazy, I know.

Now on my way home from work today, the local sports talk radio host suggested that Miguel Cabrera should be taking more blame for the team’s slow start due to him not walking enough. I thought I was going to have a stroke at the stupidity of that statement. Cabrera is not the problem. But there are issues that need to be addressed.

Personally, I feel the three biggest problem areas with the team right now, in no particular order, are second base, the bullpen, and Delmon Young. Let’s examine each of them.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Know Thy Enemy: 2012 Minnesota Twins


The Tigers have finally finished their long 342 game road trip with an amazing comeback victory over the White Sox. And exactly who drove in 4 of the Tigers 10 runs and hit a home run along the way? Ryan Raburn, that’s who! I want each and every one of you to silently thank Ryno for being a part of this team, even for just one day. Do it…no one’s looking.

With that out of the way, the team is back at .500 and looking at a stretch where 8 of the next 11 games are against the lowly Twins and Pirates. Today’s 8 run 6th inning might be what it takes to finally get this team playing the way we all expected them to.

But first, we take a look at those small-ball loving, funny-talking, Metrodomeless Twinkies of Minnesota.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Old Dogs Fear New Tricks


Hall of Fame sportswriter Jerry Green is (for now) through yelling at you, YES YOU, for running Brandon Inge out of town and this week is instead shaking his cane and spitting out his Ensure in disgust over the silly “new” phenomenon called sabermetrics. Perhaps next week he’ll share his disdain of America’s fascination with that darned MySpace.

Read the entire column if you like. Or just read me cutting up the majority of it here.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Your South Park Tigers


TIGER FANS: Rabble, rabble, rabble!

FAN #1: This team is awful!

FAN #2: Yeah! We were supposed to run away with the division this year!

FAN #3: Ryan Raaaayburn sucks!

FAN #1: Yeah! But CRIIIINGE is even worse!

FAN #3: Yeah! DFA Inge!

FAN #2: Release Inge!

TIGER FANS: Release Inge! Release Inge! Rabble, rabble, rabble!
BRANDON INGE: Oh, hamburgers.

(A short time later…)