Saturday, April 30, 2011

The Magical Return of a Strange Visitor from the East

Thanks for being patient with me. I hope to be back around to posting regularly within a week or so. Your Party Host has been a busy little beaver at work the past week, plus I'm still dealing with the aftermath of my recent move. We’ll get back on track with the “Know Thy Enemy” and other posts very soon. I promise. Until then, I hope you enjoy this.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Moving Violations

Hey, kids.  Here's a quick update on things around here.

I have moved into the Bermuda Triangle of Toledo, OH.  My internet service was supposed to be turned on sometime on Thursday.  Come Saturday, I still had nothing.  I called AT&T and they are sending someone out to look at things today, Monday, between 4-8pm.  Joy.  So I haven't been online.  I can only imagine the wit and wisdom in sports writing that I have missed.  I'm currently typing this up at work while no one is looking.

In addition, I have been without television.  Friday, I waited all day for DirecTV to come out.  Finally, they arrive and say they can't get a signal at my new place.  I was then subjected to multiple phone calls with DirecTV reps that seemed to speak English as a third language.  They have yet to refund the cash I paid up front for their service.  I tried to get AT&T U-Verse over the weekend, but they don't service my building despite a friend of mine two blocks away having it.  So, I'm going to have to go with Buckeye Cable who charges an absurd amount of money to watch and listen to things I need in my life, such as Rod Allen confusing his left from his right on a nightly basis.

So I haven't seen baseball in nearly a week.  And we're doing well.  Think there's a connection?  Whatever.  Point is, I'm working on things and will be back to coming up with new ways to call Don Kelly a worthless prick in no time.  Hang in there...as I am attempting to do.

And as always, thanks for reading this silly stuff here.  Seacrest out...for now.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sending Myself Down to Toledo

So, in an effort to save a small fortune on gas, move closer to work, and more importantly, be closer to my son, I will be spending the next few days moving back to Toledo.  Thus, there probably won't be any further updates on here until after Easter.  I should hopefully be settled in by then unless I somehow recreate the picture above.

As I write this, we are down 4-1 to Seattle in the 4th inning, but I don't care.  I'm too upset at this team.  And it's not just because Don Kelly is hitting third today.  (Really, Jim?  Someone kill Leyland.  He wants to lose.)  I'm upset because I just can't see how they could pass up the obvious promotion from the Hens for today...it blows my mind.

No, I'm not beating the "Free Scott Sizemore" drum again.  Well, not right now.

I'm upset at the Tigers for not bringing up Charlie Furbush for this game against the M's.  I mean, how can this team deprive the us from seeing the epic Fister/Furbush confrontation the world has been waiting for?  I know I'd like to see Rod describing the dynamics of Fister/Furbush.

See you soon.  Fister/Furbush...ha, I kill me.

/shows self out

Monday, April 18, 2011

The Tigers GM Answers His Mail

Dave Dombrowski has answered the questions you sent in. I would like to thank everyone that took part in this. I'm still in shock that the GM chose THIS forum to address the fans.

I warn you, though.  He's kind of a prick. No offense, Dave.

Know Thy Enemy: Seattle Mariners

Through 8 games with Toledo, Scott Sizemore is hitting .407 with 2 doubles, 1 home run, 4 RBI, 5 walks, and a .500 OBP.

Through 11 games with Detroit, Will Rhymes is hitting .220 with 0 extra base hits in 46 plate appearances and has an OBP of .289 and an OPS+ of 47.

Tinkerbell must die.

We’re awful right now. Luckily one of the few teams playing worse than us is the Seattle Mariners. Winning this series is a must to keep me from going on a killing spree.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dave Dombrowski Has an Offer You Can't Refuse

As promised, Dave Dombrowski has submitted another piece to DNR. Hooray for us!

Is it really him? How can it NOT be? I mean, who would be so hard up for comedy material to do a dumb gimmick like the GM of their favorite baseball team insulting and shilling to fans? Only a complete idiot, that’s who. Geez.

Anyway, on to Dave’s latest…

Know Thy Enemy: Oakland Athletics

Thank goodness for Brandon Inge, eh?

There. I said it. Bite me.

The Tigers have won two in a row. If they win again, that is called a winning steak. Yes, I kind of stole that from “Major League”, but it’s been so long, I thought we could all use the reminder.

Up next, the team heads out west to face the Oakland A’s. Canseco, McGwire, the Hendersons, Stewart, and the immortal Mike Gallego may not be on the field for them anymore (well, Gallego is the third base coach), but the Athletics are one of the favorites in the AL West this year. Let’s check them out.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Moves Are Needed for the Tigers, Not Panic

During the 9th inning of today’s shutout loss to the Rangers, I received this text from presumed dead Tiger blogger, Blake from The Spotstarters: “This isn’t just early season issues…they are just not very good.” And he’s right. They’re terrible. But they don’t have to be.

I know we’re not supposed to be panicking after ten games. Lynn Henning and Jim Leyland don’t want us to panic. Any number of blogs out there are telling you not to panic after the team’s 3-7 start. Even the late, great Sparky Anderson used to say you can’t tell anything about a team until after 40 games.

But screw all that. This team in this incarnation is awful. Ten games, fifty games, a hundred games, they still suck. But again…it doesn’t have to be that way.

Here’s a few ways the team can improve immediately from the eyes of a guy that’s watched a lot of baseball over the past 26 years. Some feelings on the team might get hurt, but I’m sick of Jim Leyland worrying so much about how his players feel about him. It’s his ass on the line this year. Time to grow a set and send some messages to this team.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Know Thy Enemy: Texas Rangers

As a hitter, if you keep getting it right one out of three times, you’re going to the Hall of Fame. As a team, if you do the same, you’re going to finish in last. And the Tigers are off to a rough 3-6 start with the defending American League champion Texas Rangers coming to town. Cue the ominous music.

We suck right now. Outside of Big Mig and the ex-Indians, this team is off to a terrible start in the hitting department. The defense has been awful. The pitching hasn’t been dreadful, but it hasn’t been great, either, outside of Benoit and Valverde. And what good are your 8th and 9th inning guys if you cant get it to them with the lead?

Another week of this and changes will be coming. Dombrowski and Leyland don’t have time to wait around during this season. Will Rhymes has been playing solid defense, but his hitting has been more “scrap heap” than “scrappy” so far. Scott Sizemore is waiting anxiously for his chance at the job. Austin Jackson is seeing a lot of pitches, which is great, but he isn’t having any luck at making contact.  He could be moved down in the lineup. Brad Thomas is an abortion and Fu-Te Ni could get a look if things continue.

And so on. Change is needed, whether it comes from the players themselves or management making moves. Onto the Rangers, now.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Secret Umpire Memo Found Concerning the Detroit Tigers

If Dave Dombrowski submitting material to DNR wasn’t enough (and DD tells me he’s got an AMAZING offer for DNR readers later this week...stay tuned!), I’ve stumbled onto something else exciting this week. A secret memo sent out to all MLB umpires was passed on to me today anonymously.

And let me tell you, none of this comes as much of a surprise. But it sure does explain a lot…

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Know Thy Enemy: Kansas City Royals

Comerica Park will be packed to the rafters on Friday as the Tigers return to Detroit for the home opener of the 2011 season. Fans will partake in getting loaded before the game at Hockeytown and other area bars. They’ll stand in line for thirty minutes at a time to use one of the way too sparse restrooms of the CoPa. (Seriously…ever try to piss when the place is sold out? Ridiculous.) They’ll sit through team introductions and listen to brain-dead fat girls squeal for Brandon Inge and react with apathy to Don Kelly. Yes, the boys of summer will have come home.

And facing them will be a familiar foe in the Kansas City Royals, our first AL Central opponents of the young season. In recent years, the Tigers have been a much better team at home than on the road. And the way this season has started, well, they really couldn’t get much worse. We return to the Motor City with a record of 2-4, which probably should be 3-3 if Jim Leyland wasn’t such a colossal moron at times. Sit three starters on the same day? Bat Don Kelly sixth? Bring noted sex offender of koalas, Brad Thomas, in to protect a one run game when Brayan Villareal is looking great in relief? Really, Jim?

REALLY?

Sigh. Anyway, we welcome the Royals to the D. What should we expect to see from them?

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

OMG, Dave Dombrowski Joins the DNR Team!

When I first started this silly blog, my only goals were to entertain myself and to make some friends of mine laugh. Over time, and thanks in big part to support from awesome people like Ian Casselberry and Kurt Mensching, I’ve managed to develop a nice little following of readers in the online world. It’s been a thrill to hear from so many Tiger fans over the past couple years. And to my surprise, I’ve even heard from noted authors, media members, and even members of the Tigers organization telling me that I’ve made them laugh or entertained them in some way. It’s been a fun ride so far and I cannot thank everyone enough for their kind words and support.

But I never thought something like THIS would happen. I recently heard from the man himself, Mr. Dave Dombrowski, GM of the Detroit Tigers! And he wants to contribute to this blog! Now come on, why would Mr. Dombrowski contact a schmuck like me when there’s so many other better and more widely read Tiger outlets out there if he wants to speak to the fans? I guess I’ll let him explain that himself, as I'm sure he can do a better job of it than I can. Do I know for sure that it’s him? I mean, now that I think about it, his voice really did sound like the one inside my head when I spoke to him. But eff that, it’s Dave Dombrowski, people! Who am I to argue with him? Like I’m gonna turn THIS down! Here is the first of what I hope is MANY letters sent to my email from the head honcho himself.

This is such an honor…

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sports Talk Radio Hosts Are Terrible Writers

Over at Bless You Boys, reader “The Eric” posted a link to a piece at mLive by Bill Simonson. I’ve never heard of Bill, but it seems he hosts some radio show in Michigan that other BYB readers are describing as horrible. This makes sense as the local sports talk guys in the Toledo area, where I live, are ignorant simpletons that leave me screaming at my radio like a lunatic any time I’m dumb enough to turn them on. I can only assume that the local Michigan guys would be awful, too. Somehow, websites out there keep letting these guys that like hearing their own voice, no matter what’s coming out, have a forum to write their stupidity, too. This piece appears to be one of them.

The Eric went on to say that even I, Your Party Host, would not go after this article because it would be as easy as punching a kindergartener.

Well, The Eric, you are underestimating me, my friend. First off, I’m incredibly lazy and the easier a target, the more I’m willing to engage it. And secondly, have you ever met a kindergarten-age child? Good lord, they are horrible creatures. They’re loud, smelly, dirty, selfish little monsters that make you want to commit unspeakable crimes to shut them up. Who WOULDN’T want to punch a five year old if was socially acceptable?

My kid’s six and I love him to death, but yikes. At least three times a month I’m sitting in McDonald’s Playland with my head in my hands while he’s off leading some “Lord of the Flies” revolution at the top of the plastic play set and screaming out orders to his new minions of destruction. I often fanaticize about how wonderful it would be if I choked to death on my quarter pounder with cheese so it will all be over. Let’s just say I understand why some animals eat their young.

Sorry about that. Anyway, back to Simonson’s piece. If you look in the upper right corner of my blog, it says “Do not take this blog too seriously”. I put that there because I had wrongfully assumed that people would have a good idea when I was being silly and when I was speaking what I really felt. I was wrong. But I don’t see this anywhere on mLive’s page, so I can only assume that Simonson is a mental patient that has never watched baseball in his life. You’ll see what I mean. I’ll just hit the main points of the piece for you.

Know Thy Enemy: Baltimore Orioles

Before heading back to the frozen tundra of Michigan for their home opener, our beloved Detroit Tigers must make a pit stop in Baltimore for a series with the Orioles. How fun. Maybe Alex Avila can get a ball out of the infield in this series!  Ha...okay I'm done picking on the kid.

The Tiggers bounced their way to one win in three tries against the Yankees while the O's sit pretty at 3-0 by sweeping Johnny Damon and the Tampa Bay Rays.  Is the Orioles pitching really that good or is Tampa really going to struggle without Carl Crawford?  Only one way to find out.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Keeping Score: Tigers vs. Yankees 4/3/11

Tigers (0-2) at Yankees (2-0)

We suck. It’s fitting that Charlie Sheen decided to bomb in Detroit last night wearing a Tigers jersey. This team has done as much winning lately as he has.

Welcome to Keeping Score, where I watch the game and type up whatever random thoughts are going through my head at the time. Today the Motor City Kitties try to get their first win of the season with Max Scherzer on the mound. The Yanks are countering with home grown talent, Phil Hughes. Past history shows us who’s been good and bad against Hughes.

Good
Miguel Cabrera: 5/12, 1 HR
Victor Martinez: 6/13
Jhonny Peralta: 4/10
Will Rhymes: 2/3
Brennan Boesch: 2/3

Bad
Ramon Santiago: 0/4, 2 K
Alex Avila: 0/5, 3 K
Brandon Inge: 0/6, 2 K
Austin Jackson: 0/6, 3 K
Ryan Raburn: 0/3, 2 K
Don Kelly: 1/5, 1K

Magglio Ordonez is hurting already (facepalm) and stupid Kelly gets the start today in right. Why did they bring Casper Wells north with the team again?

We’re already striking out at a record rate. That looks to continue today with these past numbers. Crack open a beer or twelve and follow me after the jump as we get this game started. Let’s hope these guys actually show up today. That’d be sweet.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Alex Avila's Opening Day Struggles Not a Surprise

Alex Avila had a rough opening day in New York. 0 for 4 with three strikeouts was not the way he wanted to start the season, I’m sure. Add in the fact that he struggled to catch the ball, too, and people started going nuts. I don’t fault the kid, though. As I said after the game, I don’t think he had any business being in the starting lineup against CC Sabathia in the first place.

Now some writers and bloggers are rushing to Avila’s defense over Tiger fans being upset. Whatever. I’ve been against Avila being handed the starting catcher job before proving he can handle it since he came first came up and some started calling him the next Lance Parrish. He started nice for a couple weeks, but has looked overmatched ever since. A year in Toledo would do wonders to show the team (and his dad) if the guy’s ready or not. To just hand him the job this year was beyond foolish in my opinion.

Now one guy defending him after Thursdays’ game was the Batman to my Joker, Jamie Samuelsen of the freep. Jamie put up this piece on Avila to defend him, yet he basically conceded that Alex isn’t much of a player. Comedy. But the part that annoyed me was Jamie’s defense that we should deal with Avila as catcher because other than Joe Mauer, Buster Posey, and Brian McCann, there aren’t any good catchers in Major League Baseball anyway. Here’s a quote:

No, Avila is not that special in terms of catching. But look at that list of MLB catchers again. Not many guys are.

Oh.  Really, you say.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Opening Day Facepalm

I'm not going to take up too much of your time with this after the Tigers lost their opener to the Yankees 6-3.  I just have a couple thoughts on what made me crazy and drink lots of beer today.

If this keeps up all year, Jim Leyland and I are going to have words.  WORDS, I tell you!