Friday, December 23, 2011
The Obligatory Christmas Post
In reality, everyone is stressed out over traffic, money, and buying presents. People are ruder than Barry Bonds talking to a reporter. And we all just want this nonsense to be over with.
And in my case, I’m sick again. This marks four of the last five Christmases that I’ve had the flu. I currently have the luxury of knowing what Jim Leyland’s lungs feel like on a daily basis. It’s a conspiracy concocted by Jesus and Santa, I tell you. Bah…humbug.
But, being the GIVER that I am, I thought I’d spread a little holiday cheer with a list of presents that I would give to those in Tigertown if I had the magical powers of Mr. Claus, Tim Tebow, or whatever.
So allow me to empty my sack (hohoho) and let’s get this sleigh on the road.
Justin Verlander: Gold, frankincense, and myrrh. That’s what you get the son of God, right?
Ryan Raburn: A good first half. A 24 hour period on mLive where everyone spells his name correctly. And a glove made out of leather, instead of iron.
Brennan Boesch: A good second half. And a shower.
Miguel Cabrera: O’Douls.
Dave Dombrowski: Solid colors.
Mike Ilitch: A bite of a good pizza. So he finally knows what one tastes like.
Jhonny Peralta: A new birth certificate so we can start calling him “Johnny” like he’s a human for once.
Doug Fister: A marketing campaign based on this Far Side cartoon.
Rick Porcello: Condoms. Lots and lots of condoms. Lucky bastard.
Max Scherzer: One blue contact lense. This “occasionally pitching out of the brown eye” nonsense needs to stop.
Delmon Young: Some sort of mouthpiece to keep his tongue in his mouth while batting. If it works, get Ryno one, too.
Don Kelly: Flame retardant shoes.
Phil Coke: His own blog.
David Pauley: The hope that someone, somewhere…will finally notice that he is alive.
Gerald Laird: Season tickets to the Pistons for him and gramps.
Austin Jackson: A hitting coach to tell him to hit it to right field like he did his rookie season.
Alex Avila: Bananas. Gorillas love bananas.
Jacob Turner: A spotter. Because the weight on his shoulders from the expectations the fanbase has formed is going to crush him eventually.
Al Alburquerque: An end to the Zoom comparisons. Get well, kid.
Daniel Schlereth: A map of the strike zone.
Jose Valverde: Another 50 straight saves.
Brandon Inge: An MVP caliber season. I think it would be hysterical.
Victor Martinez: Whatever Little V-Mart wants. Hopefully it’s not a bunch of Pokemon crap like my spoiled brat wanted. So dumb.
/ignores own childhood of demanding He-Man and Voltron toys
And for all of you readers that read and support me here, I wish you a wonderful and safe holiday for you and your families. You guys rock.
And for those that come here to hate and/or troll me, I wish you never-ending scabs on your genitals. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Merry Christmas, everyone. Take care.