Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Brandon Inge Sucks at Driving a Car, Too. Not Just Baseball.

(On a slightly snowy road, west of Ann Arbor…)

SPORTS TALK RADIO HOST: The Tigers are rumored to be interested in acquiring Daniel Murphy from the New York Mets to play third base in 2012…
BRANDON INGE: Hmm. Well, that’s a bunch of hooey. Let’s see what else is on.

/changes radio station

INGE: There we go! Baby, baby, baby ooh. Like baby, baby, baby ooh…I thought you’d always be mine! Man, that voice is just pure honey. Who DOESN’T have Bieber Fever?

/hits tiny ice patch

INGE: Golly! This isn’t gonna be good!

/crashes into four more morons too stupid to drive in 1/8 inch of snow

INGE: Jumpin’ gee willikers! I hope no one is hurt!

/rushes to closest car

INGE: Hey! You okay in there, pal?

/car door shoots open



GARY SHEFFIELD: Oh! My back! My leg! My…my…um, my LUNGS! Oh, Sheff’s gonna die! Oh, shit. Sheff’s gonna finally bite the big one unless he get help…and PAID!

INGE: Gary? Is that you? You okay, buddy?

SHEFFIELD: Aw shit, Brenden. That you? Of all the white boys in PT Cruisers drivin’ around, YOUR DUMB ASS gotta be the one to run into Sheff? Hmm…whatever. Oh, my back!

INGE: Your back was messed up when we played together, Gary.

SHEFFIELD: Shit. My LEG!

INGE: That, too.

/five minutes of uncomfortable silence

SHEFFIELD: Ya know what…FUCK YOU, Brenden!

INGE: Sorry, Gary. Luckily, everyone seems to be okay. How about this weather, huh?

SHEFFIELD: Brenden, Sheff hates you. Damn…how Sheff gonna get paid now? Hey…HEY! You over there! You saw this boy drive like a nutcase into Sheff, right?
EAT EM UP TIGERS GUY: Eat em up Tigers, eat em up! EAT EM UP!

INGE: Wow. He really gets around. Look, Gary. You know this wasn’t anyone’s fault. Silly weather. Here. I’ve got ten bucks on me. That help?

SHEFFIELD: Why you cheap mutha…wait. That’s TWO Cold Cut Combos for Sheff! You gotta deal, son. Now get outta here before Sheff decides to fake a neck injury!

INGE: Later, Gary. Good luck, my friend.

SHEFFIELD: Suck my…
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In case you didn’t hear, Brandon Inge was involved in a six car accident this morning. Luckily, no one was hurt, including Brandon.

Yup. Lucky.

3 comments:

Stretch_TB said...

It was however, the first solid contact that he has made all year.

Trout Jefferson said...

That's it. Close down DNR. It will never have a higher point than this moment.

Chris said...

Its ok. Gene Lamont was waving him through.