Tuesday, December 13, 2011

2011 Detroit Tigers Holiday Shopping Guide

Well, boys and girls, the holidays are upon us and that means it’s time once again for Your Party Host to sort through all the Tigers merchandise that’s out there and bring you the BEST OF THE BEST for that special someone on your list. Tis the season to be merry
"That’s my name."

Can’t see the line, can you Russ?

Anyway, here we go, straight from the official Tigers shop on mlb.com.

 Detroit Tigers Hammer: $21.99
If you’re looking for a gift for the handyman in the family, your search has ended. It’s even got a baseball stitch-grip in case your loved one is an idiot and thinks the Tigers play rugby! And even if someone on your list isn’t one that’s into tools, an official Tigers hammer makes an ideal object to hurl at your TV screen when Jim Leyland bats Don Kelly second or brings Daniel Schlereth into a close game.

Detroit Tigers Baseball Game MLB Edition: $199.99
Hate your kids? Who doesn’t! Just imagine the look of shock/disappointment/horror on that ungrateful little bastard’s face when he greedily opens his present expecting an Xbox or PS3 game and discovers this bad boy? With its boring 1950’s technology mixed with a modern paint job, literally MINUTES of fun could be had with this update on a time honored classic from before the days of the Atari 2600. Sure, for two hundred bucks you could buy your spoiled brat a whole game system. But that’s not the point. Establishing exactly who's still the boss is.

Magglio Ordonez Clock: $29.99
Take a look at the hour hand. From 1:00 to 3:00, Magglio looks REALLY excited. From 5:00 to 7:00, he just saw Gene Lamont coming out of the shower. At 10:00, someone really needs to call Kevin Rand. And in reality, I just think it’s time someone at the Tiger shop updated the merchandise so I quit feeling sad that my latest Tiger hero’s time in the D is over. Do something nice. Buy this for Jen at Old English D. Someone else should make her cry for a change.

Tigers Bean Bag Chair: $69.99
Know who loves bean bag chairs? Kids and stoners. So if there’s a little Tiger fan on your list, a pothead that’s been more nice than naughty, or best of all, a stoner kid, you can’t go wrong with this sumbitch.

Ugly Tigers Hat: $19.97
Speaking of weed, don’t forget your drug dealer! Every year I try and find the best/worst hats that you would ONLY see on a guy that sells drugs. This is the best of the best of this year’s crop of ugly hats.

Detroit Tigers Flask: $39.99
SOMEONE PLEASE BUY ME THIS! The fun drunk in your family will love you forever if he/she finds this in his or her stocking. (Allikazoo is drooling staring at this, I guarantee it.) The only way this could be more awesome is if it had Miguel Cabrera’s mugshot photo on it. I would bomb a church for one of those.

Detroit Tigers Sandwich Press: $59.99
What’s better than a nice grilled cheese sandwich? A grilled cheese with the OLD ENGLISH D burned in the top of it! Since 75% of Tigers fans are obese (science!), this would be a kick ass gift for darn near everyone. You know Jose Valverde owns one of these bastards.

Tigers Animated Lawn Figure: $99.99
Hate your neighbors? Buy a dozen of these things and scatter them around your yard. When I was a kid, my neighbors would put up this gigantic Christmas light display that would end up on the news every year. Pretty, right? Well it’s not so nice when that nonsense is shining in your bedroom windown all friggin’ night when you’re trying to sleep. I’m glad their bodies were never found. But if they had a few of these nearly four feet tall guys with MOVING BATS, I might have appreciated their obnoxious "look at me" display a bit more.

Set of Three Tigers Baby “Creeper” Outfits: $29.99
Got a baby to buy for? Or maybe you feel bad for Will Rhymes being let go and want to get him a parting gift? Well, here you go. I’m just not sure that I like the name “creepers” for these baby outfits. Certainly, there must be a better name for them. The word "creeper" should not be associated with children. Marketing geniuses? Get on that for me.

Tiger Stadium Wood Seat Cuff Links: $169.99
Finally, I bring you the gift for the guy/gal who has everything. I guarantee that the hard-to-buy-for Tiger fan on your list does NOT have something like this. And will they like it? Hell, who WOULDN’T want a set of cuff links made from old, rotting wood and faintly smelling of 20 year old beer farts?

I urge you all to check out the official Tigers shop as there are hundreds of great gift ideas there.

Hallelujah! Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol?


philcokesbrain said...

I thought you might find impractical things.  All these things kick ass!

OldManMags said...

That clock is badass.

Jay Hathaway said...

Yeah, I would kick at least three asses for one of those lawn light thingies.

Ian Casselberry said...

Hey man, Uncle Ian might be buying some of those "creepers" (let's call them "onesies" instead) for the kid he has to watch all day.

Casey said...

Detroit Tigers: Pure MIchigan, they nailed it