(Detroit Tigers headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.
ILITCH: Right. I think you have some explaining to do.
DOMBROWSKI: I do? I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand. I thoroughly inspected the trunk of your car like you requested. No vampires were found. Again.
ILITCH: Not that, you buffoon. I’m talking about the man in my office. I can’t believe you let him back into our organization.
DOMBROWSKI: The man in your office? You haven’t been speaking to the ghost of Billy Martin again, have you, sir?
ILITCH: Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron, Douglas. Take a look for yourself.
/opens office door
DOMBROWSKI: Oh. Him.
ILITCH: You’re damn right, him! I know we discussed finding a backup for Al’s son so we don’t kill him. But this goof again? When I hired you to run my baseball Red Wings, I told you I wanted a winner! Explain yourself!
DOMBROWSKI: Well, payroll is quite tight, sir, as you know. Gerald knows our staff, he’s right handed, he plays solid defense, and quite frankly, he’s willing to work cheap.
LAIRD: Shit yeah, I am. C’mon, Mikey Ill! Gimmie a beat!
/uncomfortable silence for 10 minutes
LAIRD: Dubba D! Give G-Money a beat!
DOMBROWSKI: Sigh.
/Dombrowski begins horrible beatboxing
LAIRD: Awwww, yeah! Uh. Yeah. Uh.
/continues saying "uh" for five minutes
LAIRD: Yeah. Uh huh. Now listen…
G-Money in da house
Comin’ back for round two
Like a bad case of herpes
After a drunk screw.
Smackin’ bitches left ‘n’ right
Like Eddie House’s wife
Just another fuckin’ day
In a thuggin’ catcher’s life.
/hits play on boombox
/chorus of “Take on Me” by a-ha plays
ILITCH: Jesus Christ…
LAIRD: Awww, shit. Here we go…
Won a ring with da Cards
Back in the D for more fun
Bringin’ all these phat beats
And I’ll hit one-eighty-one
Cuttin’ twenty percent of runners
Down like a huntin’ knife
Two thousand twelve in da D
Returns this thuggin’ catcher’s life.
/plays a-ha again
ILITCH: That didn’t even make any goddamn sense. Daniel?
DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.
ILITCH: Whatever. As soon as I find your Venezuelan equivalent, your ass is fired. And I mean it this time. Until then, do not sign anymore of our ex-rejects to fill roster spots. Understood?
DOMBROWSKI: Uh oh…
/secretary buzzes in
SECRETARY: Mr. Dombrowski? Your two o’clock appointment is here to discuss taking over the empty rotation spot. I told him to go right in.
/door shoots open
ILITCH: I need a drink.
BONDMERMAN: IT MIGHTA BEEN ME…
8 comments:
If I attend another game in which Gerald Laird is batting second, murders* will be committed.
*my defense lawyer will call them "mercy killings"
"DOMBROWSKI: Well, payroll is quite tight, sir, as you know. Gerald knows
our staff, he’s right handed, he plays solid defense, and quite
frankly, he’s willing to work cheap."
In all seriousness, I actually completely agree with this logic. But if he bats higher than 9th (well, maybe 8th if Kelly is playing) I will punch a baby.
Pretty sweet rhymes there, Rogo. I'm a little impressed.
i missed your version of Bondo
Ahhh, Tigers get their "Money" back...G-Money. I get it.
I think your tag "Crazy Mike" might be the funniest thing in this post, which is pretty damn funny.
Why do you make Bonderman a retarded person? I mean, its hilarious and I laugh out loud everytime I read a "quote" but why?
1. Look at that picture.
2. I met Bondo once. He didn't strike me as the brightest crayon in the box.
3. Dumb characters are funny. He fit the bill.
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