Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Tigers Get Their Money Back

(Detroit Tigers headquarters, Detroit, MI)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: Um, you wanted to see me, sir?
MIKE ILITCH: Indeed I did, Donald.

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.

ILITCH: Right. I think you have some explaining to do.

DOMBROWSKI: I do? I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand. I thoroughly inspected the trunk of your car like you requested. No vampires were found. Again.

ILITCH: Not that, you buffoon. I’m talking about the man in my office. I can’t believe you let him back into our organization.

DOMBROWSKI: The man in your office? You haven’t been speaking to the ghost of Billy Martin again, have you, sir?

ILITCH: Don’t talk to me like I’m a moron, Douglas. Take a look for yourself.

/opens office door


GERALD LAIRD: Yo, yo, yo, bitches! G-Muthafuckin’-Money back in the Mammajammin’ Hiz-oooooouse!

DOMBROWSKI: Oh. Him.

ILITCH: You’re damn right, him! I know we discussed finding a backup for Al’s son so we don’t kill him. But this goof again? When I hired you to run my baseball Red Wings, I told you I wanted a winner! Explain yourself!

DOMBROWSKI: Well, payroll is quite tight, sir, as you know. Gerald knows our staff, he’s right handed, he plays solid defense, and quite frankly, he’s willing to work cheap.

LAIRD: Shit yeah, I am. C’mon, Mikey Ill! Gimmie a beat!

/uncomfortable silence for 10 minutes

LAIRD: Dubba D! Give G-Money a beat!

DOMBROWSKI: Sigh.

/Dombrowski begins horrible beatboxing

LAIRD: Awwww, yeah! Uh. Yeah. Uh.

/continues saying "uh" for five minutes

LAIRD: Yeah. Uh huh. Now listen…

G-Money in da house
Comin’ back for round two
Like a bad case of herpes
After a drunk screw.

Smackin’ bitches left ‘n’ right
Like Eddie House’s wife
Just another fuckin’ day
In a thuggin’ catcher’s life.

/hits play on boombox

/chorus of “Take on Me” by a-ha plays

ILITCH: Jesus Christ…

LAIRD: Awww, shit. Here we go…

Won a ring with da Cards
Back in the D for more fun
Bringin’ all these phat beats
And I’ll hit one-eighty-one

Cuttin’ twenty percent of runners
Down like a huntin’ knife
Two thousand twelve in da D
Returns this thuggin’ catcher’s life.

/plays a-ha again

ILITCH: That didn’t even make any goddamn sense. Daniel?

DOMBROWSKI: It’s David, sir.

ILITCH: Whatever. As soon as I find your Venezuelan equivalent, your ass is fired. And I mean it this time. Until then, do not sign anymore of our ex-rejects to fill roster spots. Understood?

DOMBROWSKI: Uh oh…

/secretary buzzes in

SECRETARY: Mr. Dombrowski? Your two o’clock appointment is here to discuss taking over the empty rotation spot. I told him to go right in.

/door shoots open
JEREMY BONDERMAN: UH OHS. SOMEONE MADE A DOODIE IN MY UNDERPANTS.

ILITCH: I need a drink.

BONDMERMAN: IT MIGHTA BEEN ME…

8 comments:

Jorge said...

If I attend another game in which Gerald Laird is batting second, murders* will be committed.

*my defense lawyer will call them "mercy killings"

sutelc said...

"DOMBROWSKI: Well, payroll is quite tight, sir, as you know. Gerald knows
our staff, he’s right handed, he plays solid defense, and quite
frankly, he’s willing to work cheap."

In all seriousness, I actually completely agree with this logic. But if he bats higher than 9th (well, maybe 8th if Kelly is playing) I will punch a baby.

H2OPoloPunk said...

Pretty sweet rhymes there, Rogo. I'm a little impressed.

Spockmaster said...

i missed your version of Bondo

Jay Hathaway said...

Ahhh, Tigers get their "Money" back...G-Money.  I get it.

Jay Hathaway said...

I think your tag "Crazy Mike" might be the funniest thing in this post, which is pretty damn funny.

Eric said...

Why do you make Bonderman a retarded person?  I mean, its hilarious and I laugh out loud everytime I read a "quote"  but why?

SRogo said...

1. Look at that picture.

2. I met Bondo once. He didn't strike me as the brightest crayon in the box.

3. Dumb characters are funny. He fit the bill.