Monday, November 14, 2011
I Am Surrounded By Crazy People
The more time I spend reading other people’s opinions on the Detroit Tigers online, the more I realize that I (like Jack on “Lost”) am among you, yet I am not one of you.
Because I’m becoming more and more convinced that the majority of Tiger fans are escaped mental patients.
For instance, take a look at this man. What do you see?
That or a pile of horseshit. But probably the first one. Yeah.
That’s not what others seem to see, though. I’ve sat by quietly while others say how “underrated” Kelly is. Some are calling him a “Playoff Hero”. I’ve seen some of our looniest friends suggest that he be handed the starting third base job based on his 2011 season. And now this…it’s everywhere, but let’s pull this from the News site.
Don Kelly, a versatile infielder/outfielder who rose to the occasion this past postseason, was named the winner of the inaugural Tigers' Tenth Man award, handed out Monday by the Detroit Baseball Society.
That or the DBS is savvy enough to realize that if I were to find and/or infiltrate their seedy organization (I hear Jerry Sandusky has ties there), I would destroy it in a heartbeat. With kerosene and fire. Lots of fire.
For crissakes…if you’re going to give out a meaningless award, give it to someone that deserves it. Not Don Kelly. Defend yourself, DBS President, Steve Clarfelt! My seven readers demand it!
"Don Kelly made such a contribution wherever he played," said Steve Clarfelt, president of The Detroit Baseball Society.
Indeed. SUCH a contribution. Hitting .230 is not an easy task, you know. Oh wait…yes it is. Did Raburn or Santiago decline the award? Go on, Steve…
"He always seemed to be hitting the big home run, or getting the key single or extra-base hit. His defensive work was sterling. And he was so versatile."
/Rogo's head explodes
FOR THE LAST MOTHERFUCKING TIME IN 2011…
Kelly hit .245/.291/.381.
Kelly’s OPS+ was 83. The average big league hitter’s OPS+ is 100. He is terrible at hitting, assholes.
With 2 outs and runners in scoring position, he hit .233. So quit talking about how fucking clutch he supposedly is.
Kelly’s defensive WAR was 0.0. Yeah, he’s a defensive wizard all right, you shitbrains. By the way, it’s time I finally clued you all in on something. That’s not a wizard’s hat. It’s a fucking dunce cap.
Kelly hit .222 in the ALCS. Some hero.
Fuck Don Kelly. Quit making him into something that he is not.
And while I’m on the subject…
Fuck Ramon Santiago, too.
You heard me. Look, I like Ramon. But I’m not going to cry if he goes away to hit .230 for Pittsburgh or somewhere else. So why are so many dingleberries online shitting their pants at the idea?
“Ramon deserves to start.” “Ramon is a decent hitter and an awesome fielder.” “Ramon really came on strong when they let him be the starter at the end of the year.”
Ramon Santiago has almost 2,100 Major League plate appearances at this point over 10 seasons. In that time he has a .249 average and an OPS+ of 78. He SUCKS AT HITTING! Quit imagining things that aren’t there, people! My God! What kind of drugs are you people on when you THINK you are watching baseball? That’s Robinson Cano on your TV, you asshole! Not Ramon Santiago! There’s a difference!
After August 1st, he hit .279 for Detroit. That’s great. But I’m not about to hand the guy the job based on two months when he has ten FUCKING YEARS of dogshit hitting as proof that he is NOT the answer at second base. Santiago, like Kelly, is a utility player, nothing more. Quit looking for something that isn’t there.
This isn’t the movie “Rudy”, people. It’s not “Rocky”, either. And it’s surely not that assbag Tebow in Denver lucking his way into a couple wins.
This is real life. And I get that many enjoy the underdog story and want to see it play out in real life. But enough’s enough, dammit. If your ideal Detroit Tigers infield would look like this:
1B: Don Kelly
2B: Will Rhymes
SS: Ramon Santiago
3B: Brandon Inge
…then do three things for me.
1. Never come to this site again.
2. Sit in a bathtub with a toaster.
3. Plug that sumbitch in.
I feel slightly better. Now if anyone has any SANE answers for second or third base in 2012, I would be happy to hear them.