Monday, November 14, 2011

I Am Surrounded By Crazy People

I haven’t gotten angry in a while. My bad. This changes today.

The more time I spend reading other people’s opinions on the Detroit Tigers online, the more I realize that I (like Jack on “Lost”) am among you, yet I am not one of you.

Because I’m becoming more and more convinced that the majority of Tiger fans are escaped mental patients.

For instance, take a look at this man. What do you see?
I see a well below average hitting baseball player with an average glove and a willingness to play any position that has somehow fought his way onto a professional baseball club through hard work and a great attitude.

That or a pile of horseshit. But probably the first one. Yeah.

That’s not what others seem to see, though. I’ve sat by quietly while others say how “underrated” Kelly is. Some are calling him a “Playoff Hero”. I’ve seen some of our looniest friends suggest that he be handed the starting third base job based on his 2011 season. And now this…it’s everywhere, but let’s pull this from the News site.

Don Kelly, a versatile infielder/outfielder who rose to the occasion this past postseason, was named the winner of the inaugural Tigers' Tenth Man award, handed out Monday by the Detroit Baseball Society.
My yahoo search for the Detroit Baseball Society turned up only press reports for this Kelly award and nothing else. Thus, I can only assume that the DBS is a fictional group concocted by the Detroit media to give their best friend Kelly even more unneeded press. See that pro athletes? Smile and constantly be nice/available to reporters and they’ll treat you like the second coming of Babe Tittyfucking Ruth.

That or the DBS is savvy enough to realize that if I were to find and/or infiltrate their seedy organization (I hear Jerry Sandusky has ties there), I would destroy it in a heartbeat. With kerosene and fire. Lots of fire.

For crissakes…if you’re going to give out a meaningless award, give it to someone that deserves it. Not Don Kelly. Defend yourself, DBS President, Steve Clarfelt! My seven readers demand it!

"Don Kelly made such a contribution wherever he played," said Steve Clarfelt, president of The Detroit Baseball Society.

Indeed. SUCH a contribution. Hitting .230 is not an easy task, you know. Oh wait…yes it is. Did Raburn or Santiago decline the award? Go on, Steve…

"He always seemed to be hitting the big home run, or getting the key single or extra-base hit. His defensive work was sterling. And he was so versatile."

/Rogo's head explodes


Kelly hit .245/.291/.381.

Kelly’s OPS+ was 83. The average big league hitter’s OPS+ is 100. He is terrible at hitting, assholes.

With 2 outs and runners in scoring position, he hit .233. So quit talking about how fucking clutch he supposedly is.

Kelly’s defensive WAR was 0.0. Yeah, he’s a defensive wizard all right, you shitbrains. By the way, it’s time I finally clued you all in on something. That’s not a wizard’s hat. It’s a fucking dunce cap.

Kelly hit .222 in the ALCS. Some hero.

Fuck Don Kelly. Quit making him into something that he is not.

And while I’m on the subject…

Fuck Ramon Santiago, too.

You heard me. Look, I like Ramon. But I’m not going to cry if he goes away to hit .230 for Pittsburgh or somewhere else. So why are so many dingleberries online shitting their pants at the idea?

“Ramon deserves to start.” “Ramon is a decent hitter and an awesome fielder.” “Ramon really came on strong when they let him be the starter at the end of the year.”

Fuck you.

Ramon Santiago has almost 2,100 Major League plate appearances at this point over 10 seasons. In that time he has a .249 average and an OPS+ of 78. He SUCKS AT HITTING! Quit imagining things that aren’t there, people! My God! What kind of drugs are you people on when you THINK you are watching baseball? That’s Robinson Cano on your TV, you asshole! Not Ramon Santiago! There’s a difference!

After August 1st, he hit .279 for Detroit. That’s great. But I’m not about to hand the guy the job based on two months when he has ten FUCKING YEARS of dogshit hitting as proof that he is NOT the answer at second base. Santiago, like Kelly, is a utility player, nothing more. Quit looking for something that isn’t there.

This isn’t the movie “Rudy”, people. It’s not “Rocky”, either. And it’s surely not that assbag Tebow in Denver lucking his way into a couple wins.

This is real life. And I get that many enjoy the underdog story and want to see it play out in real life. But enough’s enough, dammit. If your ideal Detroit Tigers infield would look like this:

1B: Don Kelly
2B: Will Rhymes
SS: Ramon Santiago
3B: Brandon Inge

…then do three things for me.

1. Never come to this site again.
2. Sit in a bathtub with a toaster.
3. Plug that sumbitch in.


I feel slightly better. Now if anyone has any SANE answers for second or third base in 2012, I would be happy to hear them.


BrandonSain said...

A Kelly/Inge/Santiago platoon at 3rd base?

H2OPoloPunk said...

You are aware that being able to electrocute yourself in the bathtub with a toaster is an urban legend, at least to modern HVAC standards. The breaker will trip before it can kill you.

But I must say, I love watching your head explode. It's definitely a sight to behold.

Oldenglishd said...

Um, find Josh Anderson at his night stock job at Target and convert him to an infielder?

Kurt Mensching said...

I must say, I cracked up. I also must warn you, for the sake of your head not exploding and your blood pressure, it's best to avoid BYB comments sections. 

Uncle Omar said...

How could anyone think that Don Kelly could play 3rd base in the Major Fucking Leagues after watching him monkey-fuck that rundown play between 3rd and home this year?  Oh, wait, he had a 0.00 ERA.  Make him the 5th starter.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  And stay away from MLive for a while, too.

Ndirsishrock said...

Dude, i like your site, but chill the fuck out when talking about the 24th & 25th guys on the roster! No one is nominating DK or Ramon for the HOF, so have a Captain and diet and settle down, or risk looking like a giant douche for having a heart attack because someone said something nice about a servicable utility player. Get a grip, jeez.

Give 'em the Heater, Ricky said...

I'm fine with a Kelly/Inge platoon at 3rd, so long as we shore up 2nd base (Martin Prado anyone?).  I guess I would love to see our lineup looking something like this:
1) Coco Crisp LF*
2) Martin Prado 2B
3) Miguel Cabrera 1B
4) Victor Martinez DH
5) Alex Avila C
6) Jhonny Peralta SS
7) Brennan Boesch RF
8) Inge/Kelly 3B
9) Austin Jackson CF

Backup C/Andy Dirks


*=provided Delmon Young is traded for Martin Prado, as the report put out tonight on FoxSports reports could happen

momotigers said...

You're missing the point of this blog.  If Rogo didn't use negativity, we'd only have one post a year.  You don't walk into the Grinch's house and ask where all the fucking decorations are.  

Jay Hathaway said...

I'm stoked about the possibility of getting Prado, though I like Delmon's bat.  But the FA market for OF's is slightly better than 2nd base, so we could make a serviceable upgrade there, too.  Could have that leadoff hitter with Crisp, or a power bat in Willingham.  Either way, it's an upgrade, overall.  Now for 3rd base...

Oh, and yeah, Don Kelly sucks at baseball.

SRogo said...

That seems to be everyone's current dream lineup right now. And it would work assuming everyone repeats their 2011 and Boesch puts together a full impact season. But that's a lot of if's.

I'd prefer to see another power bat in there somewhere. Mig can't do it all.

SRogo said...

Exactly my point. They're utility guys. And people are talking about them like they're legit contenders to start in 2012. Thus the rant. It's called potty humor. You must be new here. BTW, I prefer Bacardi...

Kevin said...

stats usually don't lie, they tell the truth about don smelly.

Guest said...

Don Kelly: Playoff Not-quite-as-bad-as-usual

To be fair to DBS, Don Kelly did hit some home runs, but did anyone else notice that they all came when we were winning already?

Brett Walker said...

I agree.  I'd rather see something along the lines of

CF AJax (Hopefully he hits closer to his rookie season)
2B Prado
LF J Willingham
1B Miggy
DH VMart
RF Boesch
SS Peralta
C Avila
3B Inge (We're stuck...  Sadly)

Back up catcher

Assuming we get Prado...  I'd really like to see them make a run at Willingham or Kubel...  someone with semi-decent pop to play leftfield.  I'd also like to see something in the way of a fifth starter...  I don't think Turner is starting this season in the rotation.

Voice of Sanity said...

I think under that situation you would want to slot Willingham into the 5 slot and bring Martinez up to 3, and exploit his superior contact abilities. I think he could be like Ordonez when he was good: On base alot, plate discipline, doubles machine. You could then use Willingham, who hits more homeruns behind Cabrera to have more runners on base in front of his extra base power.

Give 'em the Heater, Ricky said...

STOP!  Do NOT pass go.  Do NOT collect 200 dollars.  Victor should never be moved from behind cabby under any situations

Joepciappara said...

solution ...... hardwire prior to placing toaster into the bathtub !!!!!!

Phil Coke's Brain said...

To be fair Rogo also hates Jim Kelly, Kelly Slater, Kelly from Saved by the Bell, Kelly Ripa, Kelly Clarkson, R Kelly, and the Kelly Blue Book.

Kurt Mensching said...

Fair? This is sports. 

Keith C said...

I wish we could just bring up nick castanellos and solve our 3rd base problem, but hes a few years away, probably the same time turner will be ready.... prado would be awesome to get, but it would suck to give up delmon, it would be nice for dombrowski to draft some position players instead of relief pitchers so maybe we catch a good talent and not have to go buy everyone, but he does always suprise this time of year, too bad it would take so much to get david wright, thats pure wishful thinking

Leyland said...

Gonnna bat Miguel 4th no matter what-and don't ask about it.  Stupid Fans, game would be better if you just stayed away and direct deposited money into my account.  Don't you know I bat Kelly 3rd 102 games a season? Boy can't hit for shit, just like me and I make 4 mil a year. What are you looking at? I didnt't give you permission to lilook at me .slosers 

x_lil_ashlee_x said...

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