Thursday, November 3, 2011

Gonzalez Beats Cabrera for Silver Slugger. What? What?

SILVER SLUGGER VOTER: No, no…I just want you to know…I just want you to know how sorry we are that things got so messed up with us and Mr. Cabrera. We got into this thing with the best intentions and I never…

/man on couch gets shot
JULES: I'm sorry, did I break your concentration? I didn't mean to do that. Please, continue, you were saying something about best intentions. What's the matter? Oh, you were finished! Well, allow me to retort. What does Miguel Cabrera look like?


JULES: What country are you from?

SS VOTER: What? What? Wh…

JULES: “What” ain’t no country I’ve ever heard of. They speak English in “What”?


JULES: English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

SS VOTER: Yes! Yes!

JULES: Then you know what I'm sayin'!


JULES: Describe what Miguel Cabrera looks like!


JULES: Say “what” again. Say “what” again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say “what” one more Goddamn time!

SS VOTER: He... he's Latino...

JULES: Go on...

SS VOTER: He's got dark hair…

JULES: Does he look like a bitch?


/Jules shoots SS Voter in the shoulder



JULES: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch?

SS VOTER: I didn't...

JULES: Yes you did. Yes you did! You tried to fuck him. And Miguel Cabrera don't like to be fucked by anybody except Mrs. Cabrera.
…and so on.

So the voting for the Silver Slugger awards came out. And the AL winner for first base was Adrian Gonzalez of the Boston Red Sox. Supposedly, the voting is done by coaches and managers around the league. But this kind of horseshit is the stuff you expect from the fan voting in All-Star games. Gotta represent Woodhead Pedroia Larry Fackin’ Bird Nation to the fullest, you know?

Take a look at the numbers, for crissakes.

Batting Average
Cabrera: .344
Gonzalez: .338

Cabrera: .448
Gonzalez: .410

Cabrera: .586
Gonzalez: .548

Cabrera: 1.033
Gonzalez: .957

Home Runs
Cabrera: 30
Gonzalez: 27

Cabrera: 181
Gonzalez: 155

Offensive WAR
Cabrera: 7.8
Gonzalez: 5.5

In fact, the only two major offensive categories that one might look at when voting for a Silver Slugger winner that Gonzo did better than Mig in are hits (213 vs 197) and RBI (117 vs 105). And yes, I know that RBI is more depending on the guys in front of you getting on base. But baseball people don’t understand that because they’re old and stupid.

So why did Gonzalez win the award over Cabrera? I mean, if hits and RBI are that important, then Victor Martinez should have beat out David Ortiz as the DH winner. V-Mart had more hits (178 vs 162) and RBI (103 vs 96) than Papi. So that can’t be it.

No, it’s just the same Sawx bullshit bias that has overtaken the coverage of our sport. It’s the same reason why Jacoby Ellsbury gets a Gold Glove and the defensively superior Austin Jackson gets jack and shit. And everyone that is capable of looking at it objectively (outside of ESPN or Bawston) knows it.

So is it worth getting worked up over? Probably not. The general reaction I read nowadays is that Silver Sluggers and Gold Gloves are worthless in today’s world. The voting is all bullshit. But why do we just all accept that? Why don’t we demand better out of the award voters in the first place?

And how would we go about such a thing? I’m not quite sure. I’m just a potty-mouthed idiot with a blog. But I think getting my man Jules on the case might be a good start.

If Ellsbury wins the MVP, I’m grabbing Vincent, Jules, and The Wolf and I’m going on a fucking rampage.


Oldenglishd said...

If Ellsbury wins the MVP, leave room in the car for me, because I'm coming with y'all.  I feel like people feign disinterestedness because the awards have become such shams, but I still get angry, and I want them to mean something.  Sigh.

dschwang said...

If he does, there better be some LAVA to clean my hands, cuz shits gonna get ugly.....

H2OPoloPunk said...

You pretty much recanted my rant on BYB, but with more profanity. I like your version better.

Jay Hathaway said...

Yeah.  How's this for another classic movie rewrite:

Topper Harley:  "Gonzales over Cabrera?  You've got to be joking!"

Ramada:  "Look, if I were joking I would've said, 'What
do you do with an elephant with three balls? You walk him
and pitch to the rhino'."

chris said...

Sadly MVP's Gold Gloves and Silver Sluggers aren't meaningless though, they are a major factor in what people look at for HOF voting. Horseshit, yes, but it is something to consider that they aren't meaningless.

Kenkunkel said...

Welcome back to the show.