Monday, October 31, 2011

On the Next American Pickers...

VOICEOVER: I'm Mike Wolfe. And I'm Frank Fritz, and we're pickers. We travel the back roads of America looking for rusty gold. We're looking for amazing things buried in people's garages and barns. What most people see as junk, we see as dollar signs. We'll buy anything we think we can make a buck on. Each item we pick has a history all its own and the people we meet are a breed all their own. We make a living telling the history of piece at a time.
MIKE: Beautiful day, isn’t it Frankie? Nothing I’d rather be doing today than driving around doing some freestyling. No telling what we’ll come up with today!

FRANK: You said it.

/phone rings

FRANK: It’s Danielle. Hope she has a lead for us.

MIKE: I’m amazed she’s awake. Hahaha…

FRANK: Yello!
DANIELLE: Hey, guys. I just got a call from a guy named Scott that’s right around where you guys are driving today. He says he’s got a whole barn full of junk that you guys might be interested in. I just sent you directions to his place. Thank me later.

FRANK: You’re the best, Danni!

MIKE: Sweet. Let’s go!

/ten minutes later
FRANK: Wow! There’s GOTTA be something in there that’s up our alley. Hope this “Scott” guy is willing to sell.

/knocks on front door

MIKE: Hello! Scott? I think you talked to Danielle today? She said you might have some things for sale. Can we take a look around?

SCOTT BORAS: You best your ass you can. I’ve got some AMAZING things for you guys. C’mon to the barn, okay?

/inside barn

MIKE: Wow! There’s a lot of stuff in here! Some of this looks really old.

BORAS: Yeah, but they’re all classics. And all for sale.

FRANK: That’s what we like to hear. Let’s go, Mike. Start digging through some of this stuff with me.

MIKE: Way ahead of you, partner…take a look at this! Remember when these were cool?
MIKE: (aside to camera) Johnny Damon was a 2-time All Star and also a 2-time World Series winner. He has over 2700 hits in his career, good enough for 57th all-time. He’s famous for leading and giving the 2004 Boston Red Sox their “Idiots” nickname. His wife is kind of a bitch, though. These Damons aren’t as popular with collectors as they used to be, but I’m still interested as there remains a small market for these little guys.

BORAS: I see you found my Damon. Quality craftsmanship in those things.

MIKE: Is this something you might sell?

BORAS: Sure thing. How about $21 million over three years?

MIKE: Yikes! I was thinking fifty bucks.

BORAS: Are you nuts? That’s a walking piece of history right there. He’s gonna get 3000 hits, you know? Eventually. Fine. $18 milllion over two years. Deal?

MIKE: Sorry, Scott. I’m gonna have to pass on that right now. The defense is missing and it doesn’t look like it is running at full speed anymore. That price is a bit rich for my blood.

FRANK: Hey, Scott! How about this? Would you sell this thing?
BORAS: Of course!

FRANK: (aside to camera) Bruce Chen is a pitcher of Chinese descent, yet he was made in Panama. If that wasn’t rare enough, he’s a Major League pitcher whose fastball tops out around 85 miles per hour. You don’t see that every day. I’m hoping Scott will let this go at a decent price just because I’ve never seen one of these before…I’ve just read about them.

BORAS: Quality piece you found there, Frank. Especially if you’re going to face the Tigers, for some reason. I’ll tell you what. $12 million over three years. That’s a bargain!

FRANK: (aside to camera) Is this guy on crack?

BORAS: What do you say?

FRANK: Dude, I’ll give you a hundred bucks and haul it away myself. Deal?

BORAS: $10 million over two.

FRANK: Meet me somewhere in the middle, man. Let’s be fair.

BORAS: One year, $6 million.

FRANK: I’m gonna pass. It kinda smells bad, anyway. I think your Carlos Beltran soiled himself next to it.

MIKE: Look what I found in this pile of Gerald Lairds and JD Drews!
BORAS: That’s a great one, there.

MIKE: (aside to camera) In its time, the Pudge Rodriguez was the cream of the crop for the catching position. It provided Gold Glove defense, a .300 bat, and intense leadership. Nowadays, not so much. This piece is old and covered in rust, but I’m hoping to finally break the ice with Scott on this one. It would look GREAT in our shop and might fetch a pretty penny to the right collector.

BORAS: Yup. That’s a beauty. How about $22 million over three years? And he gets to play every day.

MIKE: C’mon, Scotty. Work with me here. The knees look shot on this thing and I doubt it even knows where it is. This would be a good decoration piece, but not to use every day. I mean, just look.

/tosses a baseball underhand

/Rodriguez swings and misses…blames manager

MIKE: Hundred bucks. Cash money.

BORAS: Guys, it’s like we’re speaking a different language here. What a shame.

FRANK: (aside to camera) At this point, it looks like we’re wasting our time here. Danielle’s usually really good about these things, but Scott either just is having a hard time letting go of some of this stuff or he’s a crazy person. It’s time for us to go.

MIKE: Well, Scott, thanks for letting us take a look around, at least. A lot of this stuff you have here was great back in the day.

SCOTT: Yeah, well I’m of the opinion that most of it is still useful to the right buyer. Probably the Orioles or Rays. Too bad you guys are so cheap.

FRANK: Well, take care and…

MIKE: Oh my gawd! Frankie, help me with this! This was my favorite back in the day!
MIKE: (aside to camera) The Magglio Ordonez was a thing of beauty back in its prime. He would spray balls all over the ballpark, play solid D, and ALWAYS came through in the clutch. The Magglio is something that every kid that had one wishes he still had around.

BORAS: Two years, $20 million. And that’s a steal.

MIKE: Scott, one of the legs is missing. And this one looks weaker than a newborn.

/places baseball on tee ten times

/Ordonez weakly grounds all ten to shortstop

MIKE: Ten bucks.

BORAS: We’ll see what the Orioles say about that.

FRANK: Sorry we couldn't make any deals, Scott. But thanks for showing us around. Take care.

/Mike and Frank get back in van

FRANK: Well, back on the road we go. Hopefully Danielle comes up with another place for us before nightfall hits and…

/van screeches to a halt as a man jumps in front of it
GARY SHEFFIELD: Hey, farm boys! Where the hell you goin’? You ain’t gonna take a look at Sheff? Sheff can still go, son! Sheff’s ready to be your cleanup hitter, man! Two years, $9 million! Sheff’s GIVIN’ it away at that price! Get me outta here, man! C’mon, guys! Sheff’s yo missing piece!

MIKE: Floor it Frankie!

/van speeds off

SHEFFIELD: Screw you bitches! Sheff don’t need you! Sheff’s a star, son! A star! Scott! Tampa Bay call you yet? Sheff needs a job, bitch!

BORAS: Get back in the damn barn, Gary. That Millwood in the back is still broken. And apparently, the Beltran shit all over the place again. Go clean it up.

SHEFFIELD: Man…Sheff needs a new agent…wait, didn't I fire you? Dammit, Sheff can't remember...shit.


pcb said...

I enjoy your replication of the inane laughter. A post about Car Talk would just be "hahahaha x infinity"

Spockmaster said...

bahahaha, the Sheff part at the end was the best, I totally wanst expecting that.

StretchTB said...

I think you have a new picture for your Dombrowski meeting posts.. check out the one on this article..

H2OPoloPunk said...

No one expects the Sheff Inquisition!

Jay Hathaway said...

 yeah, that's comedy gold.

Damian56xx said...


It took me a little while to remember when and where I had heard than surname before...haha!!

Damian56xx said...

If Mike and Frank would have looked just a little bit deeper under all of the Beltran shit, they might have found a slightly rusty, tarnished, dusty, but apparently healthy FA Jarrod Washburn that might have been had for just ML minimum, despite the fact that he and Boras allegedly had turned down a 1 year 5 million offer by the Twinks  in January of '10 ...muaahaha!!