Friday, October 7, 2011
Meanwhile...A Disturbance In New York
/media slowly exits the room
JETER: Are they all gone? Excellent…
/helmet drops down
JETER: No. Leave them to me. I shall deal with them myself.
GIRARDI: Yes, Lord Jeter. Men! Gather around! The Captain wishes to address you all! And make it quick, dammit!
JETER: Good. You men disappoint me. This day was to be a day long remembered. It saw the end of the Red Sox earlier, and was supposed to see the end of the Tigers tonight. The circle was to be complete. Winning the World Series was our destiny. Instead, your thoughts betrayed you and you fell in battle. NONE of you are True Yankees like myself. Like you. Yes, YOU! Bounty Hunter!
JETER: What happened to you this series?
RODRIGUEZ: Sorry, man. I’ve been hurt, you know? (makes kissing faces in mirror)
JETER: Silly injuries do not concern me. I want championships, not excuses. You have failed me for the last time.
RODRIGUEZ: Whatever, man. Like you told the media, we’ll be back…
/Jeter makes pinching motion with hand
/A-Rod begins choking
JETER: I find you lack of clutch hitting disturbing…
GIRARDI: Enough of this! Jeter, release him!
JETER: As you wish.
RODRIGUEZ: Gasp…you’re crazy, man! I’m outta here! I’m going to Tahiti or something!
/runs out of room sobbing
JETER: As for the rest of you…Posada. The force has always been strong with you. But you failed me, as well. Your powers are weak, old man. You are hereby banished from the Yankees forever more. Have fun in retirement…or worse. Like Baltimore. And YOU! Our not-so-secret weapon!
GRANDERSON: You talking to me, man? Don’t start your crap with me, Derek. I did my part. How about you take a look in A-Rod’s mirror at yourself. Didn’t you strikeout about a dozen times this series?
JETER: Your thoughts betray you, Young Granderson. Jim Leyland taught you well. You have controlled your fear. But you have yet to fully release your anger. Give in to your hatred. You are not a True Yankee yet like Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius before you, but your training is progressing. But watch your tone, boy. Don’t make me destroy you.
GRANDERSON: Whatever, Derek. Can we go now?
JETER: I find you lack of faith disturbing, Young Granderson. Your secret plans you delivered on the Tigers were worthless! This rebel, Don Kelly…you told us he was terrible.
GRANDERSON: Well, he kinda is. Not my fault Nova was so predictable out there.
JETER: The youngling Nova was following orders. And what of the ewok Rhymes? He didn’t even make their roster. The wookie Avila? He was not as broken down as you reported to us. You failed Curtis, but you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Soon, we will complete your training. You will make a fine apprentice, unlike the Bounty Hunter crying in the hallway. He’s as clumsy as he is stupid.
GIRARDI: Lord Jeter, the men are tired and want to go home. Are we finished here?
JETER: Almost. Get Cashman down here. I require extra millions on my contract.
GIRARDI: But Lord Jeter…you guys made a deal.
JETER: I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further. Wait! I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since…
/door shoots open
JETER: Ahh. Sheffield. So you were the tremor I felt in the force. You delusional fool, you’re not getting any ring just because you’re still on the rebel payroll.
SHEFFELD: Haha, Sheff don’t give a shit. Sheff just LOVES seeyin’ yo' dumb ass lose!
JETER: Enough of this. General Girardi, prepare Sheffield for carbon freezing!
GIRARDI: Um…the carbon freezing unit’s been broken ever since Colon tried to make ice cream in it.
SHEFFIELD: Y’all suck. So glad I left this shit. I’m outta here…gotta catch a flight to Texas to watch a REAL baseball team, hahahahahaha! Seeya, losers!