Friday, October 7, 2011

Meanwhile...A Disturbance In New York

DEREK JETER: What can I say? Of course I’m disappointed. Our goal each and every year is to win a World Series championship here in New York. But we gave it our best shot. Those guys are a good ballclub and they were the better team out there. I’m not gonna make any excuses and all I can say is we’ll just work hard looking toward next year. I want to thank the incredible Yankee fans out there and I’m sorry we let you down. Okay, if that’s all, I’d appreciate it if the press could clear out so I can have a moment or two with my teammates. I hope you understand. Thank you.

/media slowly exits the room

JETER: Are they all gone? Excellent…
CURTIS GRANDERSON: Uh oh…I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

/helmet drops down
LORD JETER: General Girardi. Assemble the men. They have failed me for the last time.
JOE GIRARDI: Shall I address them first?

JETER: No. Leave them to me. I shall deal with them myself.

GIRARDI: Yes, Lord Jeter. Men! Gather around! The Captain wishes to address you all! And make it quick, dammit!

JETER: Good. You men disappoint me. This day was to be a day long remembered. It saw the end of the Red Sox earlier, and was supposed to see the end of the Tigers tonight. The circle was to be complete. Winning the World Series was our destiny. Instead, your thoughts betrayed you and you fell in battle. NONE of you are True Yankees like myself. Like you. Yes, YOU! Bounty Hunter!
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: (staring in mirror) Huh? Me?

JETER: What happened to you this series?

RODRIGUEZ: Sorry, man. I’ve been hurt, you know? (makes kissing faces in mirror)

JETER: Silly injuries do not concern me. I want championships, not excuses. You have failed me for the last time.

RODRIGUEZ: Whatever, man. Like you told the media, we’ll be back…

/Jeter makes pinching motion with hand

/A-Rod begins choking

JETER: I find you lack of clutch hitting disturbing…

RODRIGUEZ: Gack….ugh….

GIRARDI: Enough of this! Jeter, release him!

JETER: As you wish.

RODRIGUEZ: Gasp…you’re crazy, man! I’m outta here! I’m going to Tahiti or something!

/runs out of room sobbing

JETER: As for the rest of you…Posada. The force has always been strong with you. But you failed me, as well. Your powers are weak, old man. You are hereby banished from the Yankees forever more. Have fun in retirement…or worse. Like Baltimore. And YOU! Our not-so-secret weapon!

GRANDERSON: You talking to me, man? Don’t start your crap with me, Derek. I did my part. How about you take a look in A-Rod’s mirror at yourself. Didn’t you strikeout about a dozen times this series?

JETER: Your thoughts betray you, Young Granderson. Jim Leyland taught you well. You have controlled your fear. But you have yet to fully release your anger. Give in to your hatred. You are not a True Yankee yet like Paul O’Neill and Scott Brosius before you, but your training is progressing. But watch your tone, boy. Don’t make me destroy you.

GRANDERSON: Whatever, Derek. Can we go now?

JETER: I find you lack of faith disturbing, Young Granderson. Your secret plans you delivered on the Tigers were worthless! This rebel, Don Kelly…you told us he was terrible.

GRANDERSON: Well, he kinda is. Not my fault Nova was so predictable out there.

JETER: The youngling Nova was following orders. And what of the ewok Rhymes? He didn’t even make their roster. The wookie Avila? He was not as broken down as you reported to us. You failed Curtis, but you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Soon, we will complete your training. You will make a fine apprentice, unlike the Bounty Hunter crying in the hallway. He’s as clumsy as he is stupid.

GIRARDI: Lord Jeter, the men are tired and want to go home. Are we finished here?

JETER: Almost. Get Cashman down here. I require extra millions on my contract.

GIRARDI: But Lord Jeter…you guys made a deal.

JETER: I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further. Wait! I sense something. A presence I’ve not felt since…

/door shoots open
GARY SHEFFIELD: Hahahahahahaha, bitches! Oh, Sheff LOVED every second of this shit! Oh, hell yeah, he did! You know Sheff’s still on the Tiger payroll, right? Oh, Sheff’s gettin’ himself a ring! And you bitches be PATHETIC! Danny Kelly beat you! That’s messed up…oh, shit. You still doin’ this dressup shit, Jeet? I thought you was done with this.

JETER: Ahh. Sheffield. So you were the tremor I felt in the force. You delusional fool, you’re not getting any ring just because you’re still on the rebel payroll.

SHEFFELD: Haha, Sheff don’t give a shit. Sheff just LOVES seeyin’ yo' dumb ass lose!

JETER: Enough of this. General Girardi, prepare Sheffield for carbon freezing!

GIRARDI: Um…the carbon freezing unit’s been broken ever since Colon tried to make ice cream in it.

JETER: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

SHEFFIELD: Y’all suck. So glad I left this shit. I’m outta here…gotta catch a flight to Texas to watch a REAL baseball team, hahahahahaha! Seeya, losers!


H2OPoloPunk said...

This may have been your best piece yet. Very well done, Rogo. Very.well.done.

Chris Gabel said...

You have a gift, sir.

Riotgear16 said...

::falls on floor laughing::

Andy Westley said...

I'm not even a Star Wars fan but that sure was hilarious on a baseball level! Are we really still paying Sheff?
Go Danny Kelly!

SRogo said...

They went the "deferred payments" route with Sheff, so they're giving him between $1 million and $2.5 million per year through 2019 according to the Free Press. Lucky Sheff.

Jay Hathaway said...

As a Star Wars geek and Tiger fan--thank you.

Eric said...

I forgot about ol' Sheff.  Man, I kind of feel bad about his time here in Detroit.  We was raking in 07, and I probably don't remember this correctly but didn't he get hurt when Leyland decided to finally play him in the field, that very game?  Too bad.   I think Polanco got hurt that year too.  Damn, that makes me sad.  The tigers looked strong that year.

Eric said...

that should have been "he was raking" instead of "we"

H2OPoloPunk said...

If I recall correctly, Sheff was hurt playing outfield (which he had no business doing) and Polly got hurt stretching out to catch a short fly ball. Those two injuries were definitely critical that year. Sucked.

Keith said...

absolute gold! i love these posts, hopefully someone can fill in for delmon against the rangers, and no i don't think it will be don kelly

momotigers said...

Because Sheff wanted to play the field.  Said he'd "feel more like a man" or some mumbo jumbo like that.