I haven’t done a “Keeping Score” since July. Now’s as good of a time as any. For those unfamiliar with it, this is where I keep a running diary of the game jotting down every stupid thought that comes into my head as it goes on. Thrilling, huh?
If we win, this will be fun to look back on and remember, I guess. If we lose, I’m going to shoot myself in the face with a shotgun.
Get your peanuts, Cracker Jacks, and Schlitz Light ready, kids. This game should prove to be interesting, no matter what happens.
-Todd Jones is throwing out the ceremonial first pitch tonight. No doubt, somehow it’ll get smacked into the gap for a leadoff double.
-I’d mutilate an orphan to see Bobby Higginson throw out a first pitch this postseason. Of course, you savages would all probably boo…Higginson, not the orphan-mutilating.
-It’s Rick Porcello vs. AJ Burnett tonight. Both fanbases have to be nervous with this matchup. Rick’s the youngest Tiger starter in postseason history. AJ’s this year’s Yankee scapegoat already. I have a jar of antacids standing by.
-Today on “SportsNation”, Colin Cowherd said that if the Yankees lose tonight, it will be bad for baseball. Colin Cowherd needs to be given a flesh-eating-bacteria enema.
-One note I forgot to mention about yesterday’s game…wandering around the CoPa, I saw a female
midget little person in a Tigers jersey. It was the best thing I’ve seen in weeks, I tell you. For some reason I wanted to see her juggle something…I’m entertained by weird things. Anyway, when she walked past, I was disappointed to see it was a Verlander jersey. If it were a Will Rhymes one, I think my brain would have melted.
-By the way, it’s a joke. Please don’t be offended by my comments about the lovely, tiny lady I saw. I know that not all little people are skilled at juggling.
-John Smoltz, Ron Darling, and Brian Anderson are once again the men TBS has put in charge of making me angry tonight with their announcing. Joy. Thanks for making me somehow miss Buck and McCarver, TBS.
-It’s only going to get worse. Word is, AJ Pierzynski has been added to the Fox team for their coverage later on. This is further proof that Fox’s goal is to turn every American off to the game of baseball.
-Enough babbling. Can you tell I’m more nervous than Dave Dombrowski walking down an alley in Harlem? Let’s get this game started.
TOP OF THE FIRST
-God’s only son, Derek Jeter, is up first to begin the game for the Yanks. He grounds out to Jhonny Peralta at short to begin things. When he K’d to end the game last night, I sprouted one of those four-hour erections you hear so much about in the boner pill commercials…sorry, TMI.
-Curtis Granderson is next. I vaguely remember him. TBS shows Verlander laughing like a four year old at Chuck E Cheese in the dugout. At least he’s not nervous.
-Granderson strikes out looking. Sweet.
-Robinson Cano with a grounder up the middle…STABBED by Jhonny…OUT! Amazing play for a guy that the experts told us had no range! One, two, three first for Kid Rick. Awesome.
BOTTOM OF THE FIRST
-AJ Burnett has sweet sleeve tattoos that make Ryan Perry’s look like Brandon Inge’s. He also has a neck that’s longer than ET’s.
-Austin Jackson is up first. He’s 0-9 in the ALDS so far. AJax works the count full, something he does often and gets little credit for, and draws the leadoff walk. Burnett’s pitches are sailing high.
-Ramon Santiago’s next as the whole world waits for AJax to run on Burnett’s slow delivery. Ramon POPS UP A BUNT that A-Rod catches. QUIT BUNTING, JIM! The man is fascinated with wasting outs. Why else would Kelly be hitting 6th today?
-Jackson steals second on the first pitch to Delmon Young. I can’t believe DY took it.
-Delmon (sigh) swings at a ball near the dirt and grounds out to third. AJax takes third, though, because he’s really fast.
-Ron Darling calls A-Rod “nimble”. Yeah…and Bartolo Colon is “skinny”.
-Miguel Cabrera’s up with two outs and a chance to take the early lead. The count’s 2-0 and they just say “eff it” and intentionally walk him after that.
-Victor Martinez is up now, first and third, two down. Have they cut his toe off yet?
-Count reaches 3-1 as Russell Martin keeps making awesome stops on AJ bouncing pitches up to the plate. Ball four. Bases loaded…for Kelly. I hate you, Jim Leyland.
-Pitching coach for the Yanks coming out. This is the Yankee drinking game, by the way. Every time they stall, take a drink. Better yet, don’t…you’ll die.
-Cory Wade is up in the NY bullpen already. Wow…Girardi’s not screwing around with AJ tonight. He doesn’t want to end up like Terry Francona.
-Don Kelly lines out to center field. Granderson almost blew it. Way to have your worst hitter bat sixth, Jim. Why wasn’t he taking, anyway? AJ’s all over the place! Grrr. (I admit, Donnie drilled it. Shut up.)
-Good thing we bunted. #FireLeyland
TOP OF THE SECOND
-Alex Rodriguez leads off and is quickly retired. He sucks off the HGH. But he sure is NIMBLE!
-Mark Teixeira lines out to Little Ramon. Two quick outs. This is also the first time I’ve ever spelled “Teixeira” right the first time without cheating.
-Nick Swisher grounds out to Mig. That didn’t take long.
-Note: Porcello is 6 for 6 in first pitch strikes so far. He also only threw 6 total pitches this inning.
BOTTOM OF THE SECOND
-Jhonny Peralta leads off for Detroit. Grounder backhanded by Rodriguez for the first out. Don’t let AJ settle in, guys.
-Alex Avila, who has disappeared so far in the postseason, is next. He’s 0-9 so far. AJ is pounding the strike zone this inning and quickly goes up 0-2 in the count. Next pitch, Avila taps out back to Burnett.
-Wilson Betemit’s up with two down. Betemit strikes out on 4 pitches.
TOP OF THE THIRD
-Random Commercial Thought: That T Mobile chick is beyond hot. I would like to buy her things that she doesn’t need in exchange for her pretending to like me.
-Jorge Posada’s corpse leads off for the Bombers. He gets hit by a pitch on the elbow making very little effort to get out of the way. I hate Posada more than al Queda.
-Russell Martin’s now up for NY. Grounder past Peralta for a single. Posada stops at second. Uh oh.
-Brett Gardner’s next. He shows bunt, but pulls it back. Only Leyland is stupid enough to bunt for no reason this early.
-I take it back…Brett bunts the next pitch foul. If the Yanks want to have their hottest hitter sacrifice, I’m cool with it. Fire Girardi!
-Gardner strikes out looking and gets in the ump’s face about it. In his defense, it was a very high strike. This is the biggest strike zone of the series so far for both teams.
- Lord Jeter’s up to hopefully hit into a double play. Instead he doubles to deep center….SAFE at home. That was close. Two runs score. ESPN, Fox, TBS, and Cowherd all just messed their collective pants.
YANKEES: 2, TIGERS: 0
-Granderson grounds out to second and advances Jeter to third. Two outs.
-Cano golfs a low 2-0 pitch to Jackson for the third out.
BOTTOM OF THE THIRD
-AJax leads off and grounds out to A-Rod. Apparently, the whole first inning patience strategy is out the window.
-Santiago grounds out to short which Brian Anderson calls CLASSIC DEREK JETER. What? Jumping and throwing for no reason? He also compliments Jeter’s range. God is dead.
-Two down for Delmon. By some miracle, DY works a 3-1 count and walks. Did hell freeze over?
-That brings up Big Mig. He grounds out to Jeter. CLASSIC.
-Burnett has a no-hitter through three innings.
TOP OF THE FOURTH
-A-Rod’s first for the Yankees. Is he considered a “True Yankee” yet? I’d ask a Yankee fan, but I’d rather be locked in an elevator with Glenn Beck for an hour.
-Alex flies out to Kelly in right. One down.
-That brings up Tex who’s due to hit one 500 feet off of us. Porcello must be thinking that, too, so drills him with a pitch in the arm. At least Rick’s not scared to throw inside. I hope he nails Jeter next. I just want to see if Tom Verducci runs out and tries to give him mouth-to-mouth.
-Goofball Swisher comes up and quickly goes down 0-2. Then he K’s looking…another high strike. Two outs on Porcello’s third K.
-Posada gets down 1-2 and starts stalling. Then Rick backdoors him with a SWEET breaking ball for the strikeout. Stay nasty, Ricky.
BOTTOM OF THE FOURTH
-Did I mention Burnett has a NO-HIT SHUTOUT going?
-V-Mart’s first this inning. He’s now 2-11 in the series. 3-0 count. 3-1…LONG DRIVE…GONE! Solo shot for V-Mart! BOOMSTICK.
YANKEES: 2, TIGERS: 1
-Wow…that curse stuff really works on no-no’s. Ha.
-Don Kelly’s up and is quickly down 0-2. He grounds out to Cano because he’s terrible at baseball.
-Jhonny, who should be hitting sixth, doubles down the left field line! AJ looks like he’s taking a dump in his pants.
-Avila’s up and now would be a GREAT time for him to stop sucking. He looks really intense. Wish he’d grow a Brian Wilson beard by the end of the game.
-Phil Hughes up in the Yankee bullpen. I forgot he existed. Avila strikes out looking on a great breaking ball from Burnett. Two down.
-Betemit’s next and is 0-6 so far this series. Smoltz says he has a free and easy swing. As opposed to A-Rod’s, which is expensive and hard. Sorry.
-Wild pitch advances Jhonny to third. Rod Allen predicted it on twitter. Go figure.
-Wilson strikes out on three pitches. Sigh.
TOP OF THE FIFTH
-Martin swings and misses to start the fifth. Three pitches into the at bat and they’ve already mentioned Jeter’s earlier double twice. Seriously.
-Base hit past Peralta.
-Leyland mumbles through an interview. I don’t speak whatever language he’s communicating with.
-Gardner’s next and I hope he bunts. Rick comes THIS close to picking Martin off at first…damn. Gardner slaps a single to left. Oh, boy…
-Captain Intangibles tries to bunt…but it’s right back to Rick and they GET THE FORCE AT THIRD! Betemit made an unbelievable recovery on that play after initially charging the ball.
-Darling gets angry saying Betemit missed the base, but luckily the replay shows that Darling’s a moron. Smoltz finally admits that Wilson hit the bag. Die, TBS.
-Grandy launches one to the right field wall…RBI double. The CoPa crowd gave him a nice ovation last night. Probably won’t do that anymore after tonight.
YANKEES: 3, TIGERS: 1
-They intentionally walk Cano to load the bases as Phil Coke and Ryan Perry warm up. Perry? Oh, gawd.
-Alex Rodriguez up in a HUGE spot with one out. No balls, two strikes. A-Rod has 22 career grand slams, they tell us. Long drive to center….sac fly.
YANKEES: 4, TIGERS: 1
-First and third, two down, and Tex comes up. Rick needs to get him or we’re screwed.
-I can’t believe Porcello’s only 22. When I was 22…you don’t wanna know.
-Strikeout looking. End of inning.
BOTTOM OF THE FIFTH
-Do NOT let this get to Rivera, guys.
-Jackson starts off against Burnett and take a breaking ball to left for a single. DO NOT BUNT, JIM.
-Santiago immediately hits into a double play. Should’ve bunted.
-Two outs for Delmon. He taps out to AJ. Dammit.
TOP OF THE SIXTH
-Rick’s back out to face Swisher. Ground ball…DIVING grab by Ramon…OUT. Nice. Darling says Ramon’s a “little better defender than Raburn”. Yeah. And Jessica Alba’s just a little bit hotter than Betty White.
-Posada flies out to Jackson in center.
-Martin is 2-2 today and is up with two down. He flies out to Kelly.
-I don’t feel well.
BOTTOM OF THE SIXTH
-Cabrera leads off and works the count full. Amazing what happens when you take pitches. Then he lines out to Jeter. Amazingly, Darling doesn’t orgasm on the spot.
-Victor’s next and he grounds out to short. Time’s running out before it’s Rivera-time.
-Don Kelly comes up and singles. Nice job, Donnie. Yeah, you heard me.
-Logan and Soriano are up in the bullpen for NY.
-Wow…Girardi pulls Burnett. This might be Detroit’s best chance at winning. Thanks for the chance, Joe.
-Remember who told you we suck against Burnett? It was me.
-Soriano’s in to face Peralta….DIVING GRAB by Granderson. Unbelievable play and Grandy’s hurt. Amazing catch. Jerk.
TOP OF THE SEVENTH
-Phil Coke is your new Tigers pitcher. Did you know that I sometimes converse with his brain?
-Curtis apparently survived his dive. I wish I could hate him…I really do. But I can’t. Dammit. That was one of the best diving catches I’ve ever seen.
-Brett Gardner faces Coke and strikes out. One down. Cokehead’s fired up tonight.
-Did you know Jeter had a two-run double earlier? The TBS guys are happy to remind us.
-Jeter’s double “beat” Austin Jackson, they tell us when they mention it again five seconds later.
-Now a Jeter highlight package from TBS showcasing Derek’s newfound “power” as of late. Why not a highlight reel of all his strikeouts?
-Jeter…slurp…slurp….it continues as he draws a walk.
-Grandy comes up to his own highlight package. He flies out to center. Two down.
-Robbie Cano hits one to Austin, too. Inning over. To the stretch, we go.
BOTTOM OF THE SEVENTH
-“The Invisible Man”, Alex Avila leads off and on the FIRST PITCH bounces out to third. Avila is broken.
-Brian Anderson misidentified A-Rod as “Pudge Rodriguez”. This man has a job broadcasting playoff games, folks.
-Betemit strikes out because he’s terrible.
-Jackson pops out to Cano. We’re going back to New York. Get your panic buttons ready, kids.
TOP OF THE EIGHTH
-Coke is still on the mound. I don’t like this. He’s best when his adrenaline’s going rushing in from the pen. Should’ve went to Benoit or AlAl.
-A-Rod singles to center. SEE?
-Teixeira’s next and hits a slow roller to third…Betemit just lets it roll and it’s an infield single. Inge would have made the play. Hate to be that guy, but it’s true.
-Speaking of which, it’s the eighth inning? Why isn’t Inge playing third?
-Now it’s Swisher with two on, no out. He singles to left, but A-Rod holds at third. Loaded. I hate being right all the time. #FireLeyland
-Jesus Montero will hit for Posada here. Leyland wakes up and comes to get Coke and bring in Al Alburquerque…three batters too late. And with the bases loaded again…bad idea. I defend Leyland more than anyone, but sometimes I want to beat him to death with a golf club.
-Chris Dickerson is running for Swisher.
-Balk by AlAl. Good gawd.
YANKEES: 5, TIGERS: 1
-Base hit past a diving Betemit. Run scores. Inge would have caught it. I’m serious.
YANKEES: 6, TIGERS: 1
-Russell Martin walks on four pitches. AlAl is a deer in headlights as Leyland comes out to get him. Who’s next? Perry?
-Oh no, it’s Schlereth. LOLeyland.
-Gardner’s the batter with the bases loaded and zero outs. Base hit to center. Bases still loaded. This is torture.
YANKEES: 7, TIGERS: 1
-Captain Fantastic’s next. Joy. Jeter doesn’t check his swing on an 0-2 count and should be out. But he’s Derek Jeter. So they say he held up. FIRE EVERY UMPIRE.
-Assbag strikes out anyway. ONE OUT. Finally.
-Avila takes a hard foul off the knee from Granderson. He has taken a hellova beating this year.
-TBS is calling the game over and won’t shut up about Game 5 now. A comeback tonight would be the greatest thing in the history of things. But I highly doubt it…I know.
-Wild pitch by Schlereth because he’s an abortion.
YANKEES: 8, TIGERS: 1
-Full count to Granderson and he K’s looking. Two down.
-This half inning has taken seven hours.
-Just to be a dick, Cano has a two-run single. I’m gonna go tie a noose in a minute.
YANKEES: 10, TIGERS: 1
-Oh, here comes Leyland. BRING IN PENNY!
-Oh, it’s Perry instead. A-Rod greets him with a single. First and second, two outs.
-Tex flies out to the warning track. Three outs. FINALLY.
BOTTOM OF THE EIGHTH
-Phil Hughes is the new Yankee pitcher. Like it matters.
-Little Ramon strikes out.
-DY flies out to right. Yeah, I’m starting to mail it in. The Tigers are…why can’t I?
-Miguel up now and strikes out swinging at a pitch over his head. Mercy rule!
TOP OF THE NINTH
-Perry gets Dickerson out to start the inning. I didn’t see how because I was beating my head against the wall.
-Montero singles. Is this what it’s like to feel like a Red Sox fan? Well, other than the never showering?
-Double play. Goodie. COMEBACK TIME!
BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
-Victor leads off looking for a 10-run homer. Boone Logan is the new pitcher for New York. They should’ve let Bartolo Colon pitch for poops and giggles.
-It just occurred to me. This may have been Magglio’s last game at the CoPa. And Leyland left him on the bench. Die in a fire, Jim. Not that it would have mattered…
-V-Mart strikes out.
-The TBS announcers are telling Ernie Harwell stories. Normally, I’d love this. But right now, in this game, by these awful announcers…it annoys me.
-Ryan Raburn hits for Kelly. He strikes out on a check swing. If his name was Jeter, he’d still be batting.
-Two down for Jhonny. Strike three.
FINAL SCORE: YANKEES: 10, TIGERS: 1
That was terrible. Yesterday, Jim Leyland looked like a genius. Today, he looked like a buffoon. That’s baseball.
Thursday, it’s Fister/Nova. I still have faith. Do you?