Friday, September 9, 2011

Yet Another Visit from Rogo-nac

(If you're unfamiliar with the old "Carnac" bits from Johnny Carson's Tonight Show, here's a clip so you can catch up.  For the rest of you, here's today's bastardized version of it.)

Welcome, ladies and germs. It’s time once again for a visit the Great Stranger from the East. He is the seer of all seers, a legend in his own mind, and Cleveland’s favorite blogger. The Milky Way has no star brighter than Rogo-nac the Tremendous!

/Rogo-nac enters and trips on the stage

Are you okay, oh clumsy one?

I’m just fine. Please proceed before the Tigers fire another minor league official.

Of course, oh wise one. Now, I hold in my hand a large stack of envelopes. Even “Country” Joe West isn’t blind enough to see that they have been hermetically sealed and have been kept hidden in the Progressive Field bleachers where no one would possibly find them. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but YOU, in your mystical and borderline-divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before seen the questions. Are you ready, sir?

I shall do my best.

Hermetically sealed…

I understand.

In the bleachers at The Prog.

Where few fans have been seen in over a month. Yes. Please get on with it.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first envelope!

 Rogo-nac must have complete silence.

Most times Rogo-nac gets NOTHING but complete silence.


May Ozzie Guillen manage your finances like he does his baseball team.

Hohoho...the first envelope!

/puts envelope to forehead

4:20.

4:20…high times, sir.

/rip…poof

What was the ratio of Indian fans to Tiger fans at Progressive Field this week?

Hohohoho…worst non-Tampa fanbase in the AL, sir.  Yes indeed.


/puts envelope to forehead

Choo and Crowe.

Shin-Soo Choo and Trevor Crowe of Cleveland?  Hoho..

/rip…poof

What are loudmouth Tribe fans doing this minute.

Chew crow!  Hohohoooooo…brilliant!


/puts envelope to forehead

Buzzsaw Travis Hafner.

Buzzsaw…Travis Hafner?

/rip…poof

Who did Buzz see at the hospital YET AGAIN?

HOHOHO…Buzz saw Travis Hafner.  So witty, great repetitive one.


/puts envelope to forehead

Bob Feller and Fausto Carmona.

Rapid Robert!  And Fasuto?

/rip…poof

Name two pitchers you probably won’t be seeing pitch in Cleveland next year.

Hahaha…rest in peace, Mr. Feller.


/puts envelope to forehead

Doug Fister’s sinker and Asdrubal Cabrera.

Fister’s sinker…and AsCab?

/rip…poof

Name a fine pitch and a whiny bitch.

HYOOOOOO…hohohohoho…good one, oh magnificent one!


/puts envelope to forehead

Let’s Go Tribe.

Oh no…must you do this?

/rip…poof

While 75,000 cheered on the Tigers in Cleveland's park this week, what were the other 2,000 people yelling?

Hohoho…that team can’t draw flies, sir.  Yes!


/puts envelope to forehead

Huff and Sipp.

Leave the Tribe alone, sir.  Please?

May your only daughter regain consciousness at Grady Sizemore’s loft.

Okay…sorry.  Huff and Sipp.

/rip…poof

What are Indian fans doing with glue and whiskey while thinking about killing themselves?

Huff and sip.  Haha…nice.  Poor Cleveland.  Back to whining about LeBron for them!


/puts envelope to forehead

Disjoint.

Disjoint?  Okay.

/rip…poof

What was dat Manny Acta smoking when he let Carmona start the other day?

Hoho…it never ends, does it?


/puts envelope to forehead

Elmer, Ricky, and Fausto Carmona.

Hohoho…

/rip…poof

Name a Fudd, a Rudd, and a dud.

HOHOHOHOHO...YES!  Fausto’s terrible...we get it, dead horse beating one.

May Rex Grossman be your best fantasy quarterback.


/puts envelope to forehead

Adam Dunn.

Adam Dunn…yes.

/rip…poof

What is Kenny Williams privately saying about Adam Dunn?

Adam DONE!  Hahahaha…glorious. But I may have heard that elsewhere first.

May a grown man in his 40’s stalk you on facebook and tell you how “well known” he is.

Good lord...I apologize.


/puts envelope to forehead

1987.

1987…fun year in Detroit.

/rip…poof

How many times has Carlos Guillen been on the DL?

Sad but true…yes.


/puts envelope to forehead

Click, click, boom.

Click, click,boom…yes.

/rip…poof

What do Carlos Guillen’s knees sound like?

Haha…yes.  Too lazy to check, but you may have used that before.

Shut up, buffoon.  May Will Rhymes and Don Kelly start in the same ballgame for your baseball team.


/puts envelope to forehead

Eight is Enough.

Eight is Enough…yes.

/rip…poof

How old do you have to be to date Rick Porcello?

HA!  Ricky gets around…doesn’t discriminate.  Yes.


/puts envelope to forehead

Touchback.

Touchback…gonna see a lot more of those.  Thanks, No Fun League.

Stop.  May the uncle of Clete Thomas ask you questions about his nephew on Twitter.

Sorry.  TOUCHBACK.  Yes…

/rip…poof

What should you do if one of the FSD Girls touches you.

Hoho…yes indeed.  Lovely lasses.


/puts envelope to forehead

Knickerbocker.

Okay…knickerbocker.

/rip…poof

What did FSD Girl Lauren accidently do while shaving her bocker?

HYOOOOOOOOOOO…so silly, awesome one.


/puts envelope to forehead

Eleven.

Eleven?

/rip…poof

What’s the total of FSD Girl Lauren and Shannon Hogan?

Oooooh…ouch.  You may be out of line, judgmental one. But Lauren is a "ten", I agree.


/puts envelope to forehead

Justin Verlander’s eyes, Brian Urlacher, and Ryan Field’s head

Okay…

/rip…poof

Name a death stare, a Chicago Bear , and some perfect hair.

Hahahaha….indeed, sir.  Not a lock out of place.


/puts envelope to forehead

Hakuna matata and plate discipline.

Um….all right…

/rip…poof

What are two things that have no meaning to Delmon Young.

Hahaha…yes.  So true. Almost done!


/puts envelope to forehead

Dental floss.

Dental floss…okay.

/rip…poof

What could the Indians use to blindfold Kosuke Fukudome?

Ohhh…can we do just one of these without racism, oh bigoted one?


/puts envelope to forehead

MVP, LOOGY, DNR.

No clue where you’re going here…

/rip…poof

How do you spell mvploogydnr?

Heh…you’re not even trying anymore, are you?

Quiet.  May Daniel Schlereth give you hair tips.


/puts envelope to forehead

Leno, Mariotti, and Cutler.

Leno…Mariotti…Cutler.

/rip…poof

Name three whiny, annoying people named “Jay”.

Hohoho...and their numbers are growing, oh silly one that won't just drop it. And we have come to the end, everyone!  I hold in my hand the LAST ENVELOPE!

(crowd roars)

Finally!

May David Pauley be called in to pitch before you are.

May your job require you to carry a "Hello Kitty" backpack as a form of bonding.
May your long-time third baseman not be able to take a hint.

Please, sir.  The envelope.

/puts envelope to forehead

Brock Lesner, the IRS, and Rogo-nac The Tremendous.

Haha…bring it.

/rip…poof

Name a list of people that you don't want to piss off anymore.

Hahaha…thank you, mighty Rogo-nac!  Goodbye, Wise One! See you next time!

3 comments:

Jay Hathaway said...

"May Rex Grossman be your best fantasy quarterback."
*shiver*

H2OPoloPunk said...

Great job as always, Rogo!

Jay Hathaway said...

 Incidentally, I went hometown and took Stafford for mine (the Carlos Guillen of the Lions).  Cutler is my backup.