Thursday, September 15, 2011

What "Who's Your Tiger?" Says About You

Around a year ago, I started going out with this one girl. She was sweet, funny, and very beautiful. Things were good for a couple months, but eventually we realized that we didn’t really click, or whatever, and we went our separate ways. It was for the best…

/starts sobbing uncontrollably for 20 minutes

Ahem…where was I? Oh, yeah. Well, one of the things about her that was odd to me was her fascination with astrology, horoscopes, etc. The idea that when you were born affects your personality and your relationships with other people born on certain days…well, I’m not sure if I buy into all that. I think there might be a lot of coincidences, sure, but I don’t think anyone’s personality or whatnot is set in stone with their zodiac sign.

However, I do think you can tell a lot about a person by their interests and likes as a person. For example, if you tell me your brother is into riding Harleys, I’m going to assume that he has a thing for black leather and tattoos, and probably is a homophobe. It might not be true, but it probably is.

What does any of this crap have to do with baseball or the Tigers? Well, I think one can figure out what kind of person someone is just by knowing who their favorite Tiger is. Of course, this won’t be 100% accurate, but I’m confident that more often than not, it’ll be right on.

So do me a favor and relax. Sip a beer, take a rip off your bong, smack your spouse, whatever you have to do to chill out. Close your eyes and ask yourself, “Who’s My Tiger?”

Who appeared in your mind?

Now let’s analyze your choice.

If you said your Tiger was…

Justin Verlander: For starters, you’re not very creative. But you appreciate talent and you gravitate towards those folks. You may be, or may have been, a talented person yourself in some specific area. More likely, though, you gravitate towards the best and fanaticize about what it would be like to be them. Envy consumes you. You are ambitious and strive to be number one. But you often fail at everything you try in April for some reason.

Miguel Cabrera: Much like the Verlander folks, you appreciate talent and may be extremely successful yourself. However, you have a goofy, wild side that sometimes gets in the way. You enjoy a good laugh, the occasional drink, and you may make the wrong decision from time to time. But underneath it all, you’re a good person and just want everyone to be happy. Your impulsiveness often gets in the way, however. Call a cab, for crissakes.

Magglio Ordonez: First off, you’re probably over 30 years old. If not, and you're female, you have unresolved daddy issues. You are very loyal and don’t forget those who have been there for you in the past. Through thick and thin, you are a good friend and a solid human being. Good for you. You are also probably a socialist.

Brandon Inge: You are white, no doubt. You may be dying of something, or one of your kids is. If not, you are a hopeless nerd that gets picked on behind your back. You think that being a “good guy” is more important than actually being just “good” at anything. You think Tim Tebow should be starting for the Broncos. You also get along with children…that’s nice.

Alex Avila: You’re probably under 30 years old. You’re into whatever’s trendy at the moment. You’ve probably changed your favorite Tiger at least three times in the past year. You're really into hip hop. You like facial hair. Your dad may own his own car dealership.

Victor Martinez: You’re not flashy and you just get the job done. You’re not comfortable being in the spotlight, even though you could probably handle such a spot. Family is important to you. You’re quiet and emotional at the same time. People like having you around, even if your body is slowly breaking down.

Jhonny Peralta: You are a leader. You don’t have to raise your voice for people to follow you. You work hard and expect others to, too. Your weight fluctuates. You’re a poor speller, though.

Don Kelly: You are Jim Leyland. If not, you are a moron and should be put into a mental asylum.

Brad Penny: You are a B-List Hollywood actress. If not, you are actually a White Sox, Indians, Royals, or Twins fan.

Phil Coke: You are a nutjob. You have a wild side and aren’t afraid to show it. You often stick your foot in your mouth and annoy others. But you are the life of the party, so you keep getting invited places. You have lit your own fart on fire at least twice. You laugh at your own jokes, whether or not others are doing so with you.

Austin Jackson: You appreciate grace and style. You can overlook the flaws in others if they have at least one great redeeming quality. You also perhaps used to love Curtis Granderson and are too lazy to pick a new favorite, so you just said “I’ll just keep rootin’ for the black fellow in center.”

Will Rhymes: You are 8 years old. If not, you’re one of those people that doesn’t care how good a player is, as long as he tries hard, gets his uniform dirty, and always hustles. You and I would not get along well.

Jose Valverde: You gravitate toward the flashy, showoff types. Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens are two of your favorite athletes of all time. You enjoy pointing and dancing when things go your way. You eat a lot, too. Nothing comes easy to you, but you somehow keep beating the odds. Lucky bastard.

Ramon Santiago: You might be Rod Allen. If not, you are a very quiet, reserved person. You go about your life and just do your job to your ability. You never complain and don’t harbor jealousy toward those more successful than you. The world needs more people like you.

Rick Porcello: You are femaile. If you don’t already have herpes, you will within the next 18 months.

Delmon Young: You are most likely Dmitri Young. If not, you don't like authority figures. You fall down a lot. You have the patience and attention span of a fruit fly.

Ryan Raburn: You are a good ‘ol boy that likes huntin’, NASCAR, and country music. If you’re female, you tend to be attracted to the hillbilly types. You have a fetish for tongues. You are worthless and a failure at everything until fall approaches. You are also a clutz and should never be handed a newborn baby or expensive glassware.

Carlos Guillen: You are most likely a doctor or in the medical field in some capacity. You are fascinated by the human body and what can go wrong with it. You have seen at least ten dead bodies in your life.

Max Scherzer: You are deformed in some way. You may be a circus freak, a burn victim, or an albino. You try hard, but your physical deformities keep you from reaching the top. You are a poor dancer.

Doug Fister: Pervert.

Daniel Schlereth: You were a mediocre NFL offensive lineman that now offers his useless football opinions on ESPN. That, or you are related to this person.

Wilson Betemit: You are a butterfingers. You have poor depth perception. You never stay in one place for too long. But when the chips are down, you come through for your friends, more often than not.

Joaquin Benoit: You are dependable and quite good at things you attempt. However, every month or so, you completely fall apart and turn into a hot mess that no one can stand being around. You make way too much money at your job for what you do.

Jacob Turner: You are a dreamer. You can’t wait for tomorrow. You should probably spend more time worrying about the present instead of the future, however. You look at least 10 years older than your actual age.

Ryan Perry: See Rick Porcello. But you have AIDS, too.

Duane Below: You come from a small town and will probably never leave there. You like things quiet and the “big city” frightens you. You’re a simple person and don’t want much out of life. Your spouse is probably cheating on you with someone else in town.

Brennan Boesch: You say “brah” a lot. You don’t like to shower. You are the opposite of the Raburn folks in that you are successful in everything early, but become worthless as fall approaches. You enjoy surfing and “chillin’ with your bros”. You probably listen to Nickelback.

Al Alburquerque: You often appear out of nowhere and amaze people. However, you have a wild streak. You many times strike out when trying to ask others out. You make wrong turns. You enjoy Paul Simon.

Andy Dirks: You have a sensitive neck. You love giraffes. Turtlenecks often send you into a rage. Like Inge fans, you're also white. You enjoy giving hickeys. You don't stand out, though, and you are often confused with other untalented people that look like you.

David Pauley: You have no friends. No one would care if you shot yourself. Just do it.

Was I right? Of course I was. I live to inform.


Kevin said...

I'm a huge David Pauley fan and the description sounds just like me, thanks alot asswipe.

Blake VandeBunte said...

Man, great job.  I still consider my Tiger to be Marcus Thames.  What does that say about me?

Matt R. said...

I actually laughed out loud when I got to Doug Fister...

momotigers said...

This is your finest work in at least a week...maybe all of September.  Well played, Rogo.  You forgot that Inge fans can also be any female not into the pedophelia known as Porcello.  I'm sending this link to my wife who has claimed such players as Inge and Kelly (during the Inge exile of 2011).  

Pawsdeep said...

Where's Cecil??? If he will forever be my tiger, does that mean I'll end up poverty stricken due to an unsustainable gambling addiction and be estranged from my superstar(and soon to be very wealthy) son who can't stand the thought of comparison to his old man, even though we play the same position in the same game, have a knack for homers, and share a portly look and the same name on the back of our jerseys?

SRogo said...

You need to quit living in the past. Glorifying mediocre players of yesterday is just furthering your delusions of the present and future. You need to move on and deal with reality. Life goes on. Fine a new borderline-starter such as Ryan Raburn to latch on to.

SRogo said...

Yes. Yes it does.

Jay Hathaway said...

That's really funny.  I mentioned this entry to my wife (whose favorite is Valverde) and hers was spot-on, at least in regard to the pointing and dancing.  She is well-known for doing a "happy dance" after a personal triumph.  Her bowling team's name is actually "The Happy Dancers," in her honor.  I honestly could not name a favorite.  Lame, I know, but I really struggled to pick just one favorite over others.  Can I pick Leyland?  I do like to smoke Marlboros.  As far as recent Tigers--Kenny Rogers.  The Gambler was dealin'.  Further back, Chet Lemon.

JacksTigers said...


JacksTigers said...

Are you David Pauly?

Elmo said...

So glad I found your blog.  You have talent!  I laughed so hard I snorted pizza up my nose!

Andy said...

What if my Tiger is Will Rhymes, not for any of the reasons you mentioned, but because he's really small and looks like either the singer in a 70s bar rock band or a 70s male porn actor?

dschwang said...

What if your Tiger was overrated and wore #4?

SRogo said...

Tony Phillips?

Blow me, dickbag.

The4thAce said...

Oh my god! I am so deformed! And I dance? Like a penguin!

Jackhitts said...

What about Craig Monroe? Or are the people who like Thames and people who like Monroe the same person?

MotorCityCat said...

I told myself it's Miggy but the real voice in my head said "who you kiddin', it's Maggs." But if you combine the two profiles, it's me! Great article Rogo, I nearly did a Danny Thomas spit-take with my Captain/diet on the Phil Coke personality profile