Thursday, September 22, 2011

What "Who's Your EX Tiger" Says About You

A week ago, I did this piece on what “Who’s Your Tiger” says about you. Kind of like a horoscope/stereotype/racial profiling thing. Whatever. Please give it a quick read so you know what I’m talking about here. I’ll wait.

/checks watch

Good enough. Well, since writing that, I keep hearing from some people that don’t consider “their Tiger” to be on the current team. It’s a Tiger from the past that still holds a special place in their heart. Fair enough.

So, today’s the same deal as last time. I’ll list a bunch of ex-Tigers and we’ll see how accurate I am in describing the kind of person that would enjoy them.

So, once again, try to relax. Take several deep breaths. Down a handful of pills with some vodka. Watch an episode of “iCarly” with no pants on. Again, whatever it is you need to do to calm yourself. Then close your eyes and imagine your favorite ex-Tiger…

Who did you see in your mind? And what does this say about you?

Let’s take a look.

If your ex-Tiger is…

Johnny Damon: You date/marry poorly. Your significant other is an awful person and things you like are not “cosmopolitan” enough for them. You’re physically getting older than your mental self prefers. People have in the past confused you with religious figures. You think the word “idiot” is a compliment. Your loyalty is often questioned.

Kenny Rogers: You are a late bloomer. At some point in your life, you will be unstoppable and most people will forget how mediocre your entire life was up to that point. You do a poor job at washing your hands. People often mock your name because it is silly. You don’t like having your picture taken. Reporters make your skin crawl.

Curtis Granderson: People adore you. You are a winner and a good human being. Yet you are often surrounded by terrible folks that will stab you in the back in a heartbeat. Be careful at all times. You are employed by one of Satan’s top lieutenants. You may someday cure cancer.

Jeremy Bonderman: Words with more than one syllable frighten you. You enjoy simple things like fishing and counting to twenty-one (as long as you have no shoes on and your fly down). Authority figures have often referred to you as “special”. Cartoons are the highlight of your day. Books are dumb. Your arm is held together by rubber bands and silly putty. You talk too much on podcasts.

Placido Polanco: You have an absurdly large hat-size. Mr. Potato Head was your favorite childhood toy. You are a detals-oriented person that always does the “little things” to get the job done. You are under-valued at your job and no one will realize how important you are until you leave. ESPN anchors would never get your name right if you were an athlete. When dating, you rarely “strike out”.

Dontrelle Willis: You peaked early in life, but you’ve declined since because you’re a nutbar. Anxiety surrounds your day-to-day life. You hear voices in your head. You are often not in control of your own actions. If someone asks you toss them their keys from five feet away, you’ll probably end up breaking a lamp. Somehow, though, you remain a friendly and likable person to others. It can’t be easy.

Todd Jones: You’ve caused your share of ulcers in others. You bumble through everything, yet still somehow get the job done. You are a gigantic homophobe. You have a good sense of humor, though, and this is why people keep putting up with your nonsense.

Fernando Rodney: See Todd Jones, but you wear your hat crooked.

Mike Maroth: If there’s a God, he hates you. There is a constant black cloud over your head. You keep a smile on your face, yet you’re dying inside. Whenever things seem to be going your way, the rug is pulled out from under you. Charlie Brown was a Mike Maroth fan, I think.

Ivan Rodriguez: People hate you behind your back. You’re selfish and don’t care who knows it. You are better at your job when on drugs. Your past successes are what keep allowing people to take a chance on you, yet you keep continuing to let them down. Yet still, you act like you’re still that prior success and have difficulty accepting reality. Also, fat girls/guys adore you almost as much as they do Brandon Inge.

Chris Shelton: You are not attractive. You are probably a ginger and resemble Sloth from “The Goonies”. Worse, you may resemble Shelley Duncan. April is your favorite month of the year. You have never had sex without paying for it. Make that overpaying.

Juan Gonzalez: You are not a real person. No Tiger fan likes Juan Gonzalez. And if you somehow are, I would like to beat you to death with a hammer if you have the time.

Gerald Laird: You come from a crazy family. You are not welcome at NBA games. If you hit someone, you don’t hit them very hard because you’re physically weak. When you have your picture taken, it often looks like you’re crapping your pants. Security guards are nervous in your presence.

Gary Sheffield: You have at least one drug addict uncle. Money is your favorite thing in the world. You are a very angry person. You don’t take personal responsibility. Others don’t like hanging out with you. However, you are very patient and powerful. Like the Pudge folks, you are a better performer at your job when on drugs. Hispanics bother you. You have at least one child that you don’t know about.

Kyle Farnsworth: You are a douchebag. You wear “Tapout” shirts everywhere, including the shower. You enjoy bullying those weaker than you. You have a barbed wire tattoo somewhere. You have poor eyesight. Yet somehow, you appreciate the Mormon beliefs. Probably because you’re nuts. You own at least one violent dog. You spend one hour a day flexing in front of a mirror.

Cecil Fielder: Potato chips are your best friend. Cake is a close second. You had/may have to go to a foreign country to get good at your job. If you have a son, he hates you. Your picture is hanging up in several casinos that you’re not allowed in. You owe lots of people money. Yet people that don't know you well like you. Weird, isn't it?

Dmitri Young: You’re at your best when surrounded by people that don’t know what they’re doing. You are probably a recovering alcoholic or drug addict. Maybe both. You may be missing a foot. Though all this, you have a good heart and a great sense of humor. People pity you. You don’t know when to quit. And your younger siblings have learned nothing from your mistakes.

Edwin Jackson: You may be a hobo as you don’t stay in one place for too long. People have often remarked on your potential that you’ve yet to live up to. You’ve been given up on too many times to count yet people keep giving you more chances. You may own Nazi artifacts.

Zach Miner: Your favorite fictional character is the dentist elf from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”. The word “consistent” is not in your vocabulary. You have poor health and fail as much as you succeed.

Adam Everett: You have amazing hair. Seriously. Tom Brady is jealous of your hair. Other than that, you suck at pretty much everything.

Mickey Tettleton: You have perfect posture and take pride in standing up straight. You enjoy the simple country life and aren’t a big fan of big cities. You don’t feel comfortable unless you have a wad of tobacco in your cheek the size of a basketball.

Scott Sizemore: Your name is not Kurt Mensching. You have poor depth perception. You are the least aggressive person you know. Your ankle has been known to shatter in the past and you enjoy using that as an excuse for your failures.

Craig Monroe: You haven’t been relevant since 2006. You experienced a bit of success and then just disappeared. Seriously, what happened to you? You are willing to give up your dreams for a job running a restaurant or something. You’ve been convicted of shoplifting at least once.

Ugueth Urbina: You have killed at least one person with fire. You are a psychopath. You deny your guilt when everyone knows you did it. OJ Simpson is an Ugie fan.

Tom Brookens: You sport a mean mustache, my friend. Even if you’re female. You take great pride in your facial hair. In fact, your mustache is the only remarkable thing about you.

Jose Lima: You are loud. You like making a spectacle of yourself. You are full of yourself, despite not being very good at anything. Yet people still are drawn to your energy and sense of humor. You should probably avoid foods that are high in cholesterol.

Tony Clark: People often think you’re asleep on the job. You appear lazy to others. You’re tall. You possess great power, yet you just don’t know how to use it. You’d probably be better off up and moving to Arizona.

Armando Galarraga: You are not perfect. Ha…

Damion Easley: You are probably on disability or unemployment and just enjoy sitting back and collecting a check. You worked hard to get to a certain level and then just tailed off to the point where someone decided it would better to pay you to just stay home. This annoys people and your name is usually accompanied by a scowl when people say it.

Casper Wells: You have woken up in the morning at least twice and not known where your pants are. You have roofied someone or been roofied in the past. Affliction shirts get your heart going. You spend more time on your hair than is probably healthy. Bouncers in clubs facepalm when they see you come in. You smell like a dead stripper.

David Wells: You’re out of shape. Your belt size is over 46. You don’t keep a job for long. You could probably have been something special, but you just enjoy booze and partying too much. People often think you’re a prick. You’re full of crap most of the time when you talk. You have a dumb nickname.

Chet Lemon: You enjoy juice. You light up every room you’re in, despite not being in good health. You’ve been underappreciated much of your life despite always being successful. You may be missing a stupid body part like an appendix, a pancreas, or a spleen.

Charlie Furbush: You love everything “retro”, especially from the seventies. I’m just gonna stop…

Jeff Weaver: You have a younger sibling who is an assbag. He learned it from watching you. You are a crybaby and people can’t stand being around you. You may be mentally unbalanced. You are a waste of potential. Even the Farnsworth people think you suck.

Marcus Thames: People often wanted to give you a chance and once you got it, you blew it. Yet you remain a kind person and people still want to believe in you because of it. Well, not on the west coast…it’s probably a good idea to avoid Cali. Your grandma is a nice lady. And of course, you are “country strong”.

Jason Grilli: You enjoy giving people your “weak shit”. You may be a pyromaniac from all the fires you’ve caused over the years. You are a failure, make no mistake about that, but not as big of a failure as everyone thinks. But regardless, you suck and should probably jump off a bridge into a pit of spikes.

Nook Logan/Brian Hunter/Alex Sanchez/Josh Anderson/Roger Cedeno/etc: You run fast. That’s about it. You’re not good for much else. People used to think you might amount to something, but you quickly proved them wrong. Enjoy your career at 7-11 or just become a drug runner.

Eric Munson: Opposite of the Polanco folks as when trying to find a date, you constantly “strike out”. The only thing you can consistently catch is probably the flu. You are a failure and people often wish they never heard your name. Someone once invested a lot of time and money into you only for you to crap the bed on them. You enjoy visiting minor league baseball parks and want to see every one possible.

Tony Phillips: You don’t like standing still, yet you’re very patient at the same time. You are a jack-of-all-trades and can handle doing multiple jobs at once. You think cocaine’s a hellova drug. You have a temper problem, too. Also, you may contribute to Yahoo and mLive and are trying to legally change your first name to “Uncle”.

(Off topic…did you know this? Tony’s still playing.

From Wikipedia: Phillips currently plays third base for the Yuma Scorpions of the independent North American League along with former Athletics teammate Jose Canseco. In August of 2011, 52-year-old Phillips was involved in an altercation with former Scorpions manager Mike Marshall, then with the Chico Outlaws. Phillips punched Marshall in the face during the incident, causing the latter to press battery charges against the infielder.

God bless independent ball…why isn’t this stuff on TV? ESPN puts on the Little League World Series but not this? What a waste. Sorry, we’re almost done…I promise.)

Kirk Gibson: You have a flair for the dramatic. Pressure situations are what you live for. You play by your own rules and don’t care what anyone else thinks. You like shooting animals and them eating them, cooked or not. You’re not as wild as you used to be, but every now and then you feel the need to cause some chaos.

Alan Trammell: You’re a very good worker. Close to one of the best, but not quite. And you're an excellent human being. Yet, you’re not a leader. You’re in injun, not a chief. When put in charge, things will fall apart. Luckily, you’re well-suited to be one of the workers to clean it up. You have bad skin.

Lou Whitaker: You have the work skills of the Trammell folks. However, you don’t like people. Anyone. You’re a loner and just want to never speak to anyone again. You could be treated like a God somewhere, but would rather spend your days in obscurity living in a Florida slum or something similar.

Ty Cobb: You are in the Ku Klux Klan. Possibly a Grand Dragon. Minorities annoy you in ways you can’t explain. You appreciate excellence, as long as it’s a white person doing it. Make that a white man, because you think women are useless, too. Oh, and you like peaches.

Al Kaline: You are old. You don’t like kids playing on your lawn. You enjoy reading Jerry Green’s work. You might be Jerry Green. Your sense of humor is non-existent. You wish your grandkids would call more often. You have grey pubes. But back in your day, you were somethin’. And you like talking about “back in the day”. No one wants to hear it, though. Sorry.

Nate Robertson: You enjoy blowing bubbles. You also blow at your job. Yet, you don’t give up, so that’s admirable. You enjoy growing obnoxious facial hair. You are a good cheerleader. You may own a bulldog. You may have won the lottery at some point or had a rich family member leave you a fortune. God knows you don’t deserve all the zeroes in your bank account.

Bobby Higginson: You are the smartest, funniest, best-looking person anyone knows. Your potential is limitless. You wake up in the morning pissing excellence. You should have a statue built of you that so people can pause and reflect on how awesome you are. A warm glow emits from your private parts.

If I missed your ex-Tiger, I apologize. It was probably someone stupid.


David Tokarz said...

1) Thanks for personalizing the Bondo comment. 

2) You get to tell Alli she smells like dead stripper.

Jay Hathaway said...

Holy crap, dude!  Check this out-I was looking up some other old tigers (remembering who was on my old baseball cards), and I looked up Aurelio Lopez, who, as many know, was killed in a car accident after retirement.  What I didn't know, and I think is fuckin' crazy, is this bit of info, from wikipedia - "Coincidentally, there have been three players in Major League Baseball
history named Aurelio, and all three were killed in car accidents
between the ages of 44 and 53 (Aurelio Rodríguez and Aurelio Monteagudo were the others)"
WTF?  If your name is Aurelio, and you play basebal, just stop!  LIke, now!  ¡El béisbol no está bien para usted! ¡No juegue al béisbol!

Trout Jefferson said...

Hey! Carlos Pena was NOT stupid!

Matt R. said...

Can we throw Kimara Bartee into the Nook Logan string?

Roger Strye said...

Brad Ausmus was my Tiger.

Eric said...

what about milt cuyler?

Craig said...

You Missed Lance Parrish

Kevin Obrien428 said...

I like Higgy too but couldn't he be lumped into the "plays better on drugs"?

Bradley said...

What about Sean Casey?

Yooper2 said...

Yup!  "The Mayor" was my favorite Tiger.  Him & Rusty Staub