Today’s topics include a look inside the numbers on the Tigers’ season, Brennan Boesch, an alarming thing about Delmon Young, arbitration, Colin Cowherd, and Nate Robertson. Oh yeah, I threaten somebody, too.
Sound fun? No? Well, read on anyway…
THIS ISN’T 2009 OR 2010, ASSHOLE
As of this writing, it’s September 6th and your Detroit Tigers are 79-62, 7 ½ games ahead of the second place team in the Central, and only a half game behind Texas in hosting a home playoff series.
But I’m confused. According to sports talk radio, idiotic mouth-breathing Cleveland blogs, and pessimistic Lion fans disguised as Tiger fans, these guys were supposed to have collapsed by now. Dave DUMBrowski (hardy har) and SMOKEY Leyland (hohoho) should have been fired weeks ago.
What in the name of Ty Cobb’s racist black heart happened?
Simple. It’s a different team, asshats.
Victor Martinez, Alex Avila, Max Scherzer, Doug Fister, Jhonny Peralta, Joaquin Benoit, Phil Coke, Delmon Young, Wilson Betemit, Al Alburquerque, and Austin Jackson were not on that 2009 team that folded at the end. Only a couple of them were even on last year’s .500 ballclub. No, this is a new set of loaded guns and they’re all firing on target right now. Consider the following…
-On the road, the 2011 Tigers are 36-33 this year. Last year, they went 29-52. They’re already well ahead of all of 2009’s crappy 35-47 road record, too. Any team that can handle their business on the road is probably going to finish pretty high in the standings.
-In one run games, Detroit’s an amazing 24-15. Last year, they went 16-26. Quite the turnaround.
-Chicago and Minnesota have long been a thorn in the side of the Tigers. The past two years, Detroit’s gone 35-38 against the two teams. This year, that’s changed in a big way to 21-9, so far. And that feels awesome.
-These Tigers have only been shut out 5 times compared to 10 in ’10 and 6 in ’09. They’ve also shut out other teams 11 times versus 14 times in the last two years COMBINED.
-And that dreaded second half COLLAPSE that was supposed to doom us? Well, like the Y2K crisis, it was complete bullshit by the media. The Tigers have gone 30-19 in the second half compared to 33-43 last year and 38-38 in 2009. They’re 22-11 since August 1st and 4-1 in September so far.
What I’m trying to say to all the doubters and those who have tried to ruin the party for Detroit fans all year is quite simple…go to hell, and tongue-jack my shitbox, you puddles of monkey piss.
Brennan Boesch is out for the season with a partially torn ligament in his thumb. He’s having surgery this week, I believe. At first, this seems like a big deal. After all, the guy’s hit .283/.341/.458 this year with 16 homers and 54 RBI. But when you look at this second half numbers…
.219/.288/.368, 4 HR, 10 RBI
…you realize that we’re doing just fine without him. Right field is in good hands with a fresh Magglio Ordonez, and part-time work by Ryan Raburn and Andy Dirks. Hopefully Boesch can get through surgery, get healthy for 2012, and stop being a reverse-Raburn with his 1st and 2nd half splits.
Get well, kid. We got this.
Kevin Youkilis, other than being known as a jackoff and a pussy, was famously nicknamed “The Greek God of Walks” by Oakland GM Billy Beane. Now Delmon Young has put up decent numbers as a Tiger so far. He’s hitting .300. He has 3 dingers. And he’s racked up 17 RBI in 21 games. Sweet.
But in 93 plate appearances as a Tiger, he has exactly ZERO walks. How is this humanly possible?
Take ball four, Delmon. Even Brandon Inge has 18 walks this year. And he has the plate discipline of Rob Deer on an eight-ball of cocaine.
I can’t get enough of this. Well done, FOX.
Goosebumps. If only you’d run Buck and McCarver through a woodchipper…only then can we be friends.
CHIEF BOO HOO
Most of you can feel free to skip to the next part. This doesn’t really concern you and won't make much sense.
(EDIT: The following is my response to a silly back-and-forth between two blogs I won't name. However, one's a Tiger blog and one's an Indian blog. These opinions are my own and shouldn't reflect negatively on either blog, just on the related silliness. It has just gotten so dumb, I can't ignore it.)
One, two, three, four. I declare a blog war.
I don’t know you and you don’t know me. But you’ve recently entered my radar. And this annoys me. I would much rather continue not caring that your site exists, but I feel the need to say something.
I know there’s some Cleveland fans that read me. And most of them are good sports. But if by some chance you get tipped off to this site by one of them, I have a message for you.
Don’t write checks with your mouth that your ass can’t cash. You chose to talk shit to Tiger fans. Then you got a response. And like a bitch, you cried about it instead of handling your business like a man. At the very least, you should have just licked your wounds and moved on. But no. You cried. And you’re continuing to talk shit and troll around even after being a tattletale like a fucking 8 year old. Just because Asdrubal Cabrera whines after every pitch or play, doesn't mean you have to be a cry-tit, too.
At least that shit stain Reverand Pillowbiter had the balls to defend his irrational statements after the Weaver/Guillen nonsense by himself without crying to his superiors. I may not like the man, but I respect his guts.
Not you, though, from what I’ve seen. You attack other fanbases, but meanwhile no one gives a flying fuck about your franchise in your own town. In a pennant race, they basically have to beg people to come to the game for a Tigers/Indians series. The Tribe’s doing everything but offering free candy bars and blowjobs to every fan that attends. But come to think of it, I’ve yet to meet a Cleveland girl that didn’t look like she was carrying more diseases than Courtney Love’s nasty, filthy twat. I doubt that would work for you guys, either.
So do us all a favor, stop. Lay down like a Frenchman, just like your baseball team is doing. You talked shit and it backfired on you. Happens to the best of us. But quit annoying my friends. Because unlike them, I do not play fair, I am not a nice person, and I will take great delight in being a personal pain in your ass.
Don't respond to me here. Don't send your minions over here to troll. I won't acknowledge them. I just want it all to stop. When my friends get annoyed, I become annoyed. And no one wants to watch a nerd fight between blogs. It's just silly.
Enjoy the rest of the series and watching your team choke worse than a hooker in Charlie Sheen’s trunk.
Meathead. Meathead? Really? Ha.
PS-VMart and Peralta are awesome.
EDIT: In the interest of fairness, I encourage the Tiger blog to stop, too. Everyone needs to grow up. Well, except me...ha.
LOOKING TOWARD 2012
Wait, Rogo…are you serious? 2012? Already? But we’re in a playoff run in 2011!
True. But I still think this is relevant now. Eligible for arbitration after this season are Rick Porcello, Max Scherzer, Phil Coke, Delmon Young, Don Kelly, and Brad Thomas. How they perform the rest of this season and into October may have a lot to do with what the Tigers choose to do with these players…and how fat their bankrolls get.
With the exception of the koala-raping Thomas, I expect the others to all be offered arbitration. MLB Trade Rumors brought this to my attention here and they project Max and Rick to all be due raises to around $4 million each, Coke to $1.4 million, DY to $6.1 million, and Kelly to $700K. Shouldn’t Kelly pay the TIGERS $700K to play for them?
Assuming all that to be true and those guys all signing for those amounts, that puts the 2012 Tiger payroll to the $100 million mark already. With everyone talking about free agents for second and/or third base, that leave very little wiggle room to go after someone.
The top second base free agent will be Kelly Johnson and he sucks. I know the idea of Ryan Raburn playing second every day scares everyone, but with him already under contract, I think a combo of him and Worth/Santiago will be just fine for next year. It’s working now.
Brandon Inge remains under contract next year, too, with Wilson Betemit being a free agent. Aramis Ramirez is the best third baseman available, but I see him as being too expensive. Do we re-sign Betemit for one more year until Nick Castellanos is ready for a look in 2013?
But what if Mr. Ilitch adds payroll? Jimmy Rollins and Jose Reyes are free agents at shortstop. Would Jhonny Peralta accept a move back to third base?
And for those that may ask, while Omar Infante is indeed a free agent, the Marlins have said that they’d really like to re-sign him. So keep that dream 2003 reunion of Infante and Santiago out of your mind.
Just some stuff to think about while we watch these guys down the stretch. And you never know with Dave Dombrowski. He might trade half the roster to be different. He’s done it before.
GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS RADIO HISTORY
This isn’t baseball related, but it still made me almost drive off the road today in a fit of rage. On Colin Cowherd’s show, he wouldn’t stop crying about how Tony Romo shouldn’t wear a baseball cap backwards. He kept saying how unprofessional it was, but then said it would be okay for Peyton Manning to do so because he’s won a Super Bowl.
This is what is being discussed at length on arguably ESPN’s biggest radio show.
Tony Romo is overrated, a douchebag, and a moron. But who gives two tugs of a dead dog’s dick how he wears his ball cap? Then again, this is the network that has done nothing but talk about Maryland’s ugly football helmets all day. I don’t even think they’ve mentioned if Maryland won or lost the game.
You’re devoting a ridiculous amount of time to your airwaves today talking about what athletes are wearing, ESPN. Good gawd, did Derek Jeter not hustle out a weak grounder that you can gush about all fucking day instead?
ALWAYS A TIGER—WITH PATRON SAINT UPDATE!
-Matt Treanor was traded from Kansas City to Texas for cash. How much money would it cost to rent Misty-May Treanor for a couple months? Just curious…
-Nate Robertson continues to be the richest Triple-A player alive with Tacoma. In 17 starts this year, he’s gone 6-6 with a 6.52 ERA. In 89.2 innings, he’s allowed an astronomical 127 hits and 36 walks, while striking out 55 with a 1.818 WHIP. It’s over, my friend. Take a lesson from your buddy Bondo. Get out and enjoy living off all the cash you conned out of DD and Ilitch. I know I would.
If you're not on Twitter, I suggest doing so. I thought I would hate it, but it's the best way to get up to date info on damn near anything. If Your Cranky Party Host enjoys it, I think you will, too. And to get started, here's a few people you should be following if you're a Tigers fan.
That's a good start. Between the four of them, you'll know when your favorite Tiger takes a dump, what the color and texture is, and will probably get a list of record setting shits of Tiger past along with it. They're good folks.
And speaking of shit, follow @DNR_Rogo, too.
I'm done for today. Enjoy the hopeful destruction of Fausto Carmona tonight.