Thursday, September 29, 2011

Swimming In the Tears of Red Sox Nation

Wednesday night is being called by many as the greatest night of regular season baseball ever. And it’s hard to argue. New York, Boston, and Atlanta were all one out away from victory and all blew it. Tampa Bay had one of the most exciting and emotional comeback wins ever. Our Tigers closed out their season be sweeping the Tribe AGAIN, with Papa Grande continuing to be perfect out of the pen and Miguel Cabrera slugging his way to the AL batting title. So much fun baseball was played yesterday.

But nothing was more fun to me than watching the Red Sox finish there September to Remember Forget by pissing away their playoff chances against the Orioles. It was glorious.

In the rankings of the worst people in the world, the top three goes like this…

3. Rapists
2. Child Killers
1. (tie) Boston Fans/Steelers Fans

Yes sharing the title currently with trashy Steeler fans are the racist, obnoxious, turn-their-back-on-a-player-in-a-heartbeat Boston mouth-breathers as the worst of the worst. I wish I could have a taste of each one of their tears.

So join me today as I sort through the written word leaders of Red Sawx Nation as they cry, whine, and try to garner sympathy from the rest of us. Sorry, guys. We fell for this nonsense from you pricks for years leading up to 2004. You pissed any and all goodwill away with us since then.

Many of the Boston Red Sox media members are household names. But so is garbage…and it stinks when it gets old, too. Today I kick them while they’re down. They deserve it.

I begin with the most unlikable writer on the planet, Dan Shaughnessy of the Boston Globe. You know Dan. The originator of the Curse of the Bambino nonsense? The supposed most hated man in Boston, even though he just writes the echoed thoughts of ever ignorant, arrogant Red Sox fan I’ve ever met? Here’s some excerpts from his article today.

The greatest choke in baseball history ended the only way it could have ended, with the Red Sox gagging on the Camden Yards lawn one last time.

“Pooo-wah Red Sawx fans! No one un-dahstands owaah pain! Only two World Series championships in the past seven yee-ahs! Fack you, Gawd!”

I’m amazed he didn’t mention Baltimore being the birthplace of the Bambino.

Truly unbelievable. This feels like revenge for 2004 and 2007. It is as if the baseball gods are punishing Red Sox Nation for hubris and arrogance and good times that seemed so good, so good, so good.

You poor things. I hope you don’t win jack shit for 186 years this time.

Then the earth opened up and swallowed the Sox and their fans. Stoic Jonathan Papelbon came on to close it out in the ninth, struck out two, then surrendered back-to-back doubles and a walkoff single that $142 million Carl Crawford (typically) failed to catch.

“Fack you, Cawwwl Crawwfawd! You fackin’ dahkee! Ovah-paid fackin’ dahkee!”

Never mind that Carl Crawford hit the double earlier in the game that could (and should) have sealed the deal for the Red Sox, but Marco Scutaro had a brain fart on the basepaths and was thrown out at home.

Never mind that Carl Crawford won a Gold Glove last year and 99% of baseball outfielders wouldn’t have caught that sinking liner.

And never mind that most of Crawford’s struggles at the plate this year has not been helped by the constant criticism and catcalls of the Boston media and fanbase that will shit on anyone in a heartbeat, unless they’re white with a neckbeard. Crawford should have known better than to play in front of these savages. He should fire his agent for not taking the Angels deal.

Say goodbye to Terry Francona. Tell Theo it’s OK to talk to the Cubs.

“Fack you, Tito! You too, Theo, you fackin' queeah! What have you evah done for Danny Woodhead-Larry Bird Nation!?”

86 years without a championship. Francona and Epstein were the leaders that turned it around for Boston and have turned them into winners. But in a year where injuries and age caught up to the Sox, any loyalty built up toward them is gone. Fuck you, Dan Shaughnessy.

This goes right up there with Denny Galehouse, Bucky Dent, Mookie Wilson, and Aaron Boone (who visited the Sox dugout before the game - how’s that for an omen?).

“No one un-dahstands owahh suffering! Bucknah! Bucknah! Bucknah!”

Do us all a favor, Pedroia Nation…hop in a bathtub, stick your penises in toasters, and plug the bastards in.

Here’s some from another article, this one written by, and I’m not kidding here, “Obnoxious Boston Fan”. Insert own joke here.

This should set Red Sox Nation back about 86 years.

“Nevah forget! 86 ye-ahs! Ow-ah World Series drought was ow-ah 9/11 every day!”

An entirely new generation of fans have been scarred for life. This was disgusting, embarrassing and horrifying.

I’ve told you all before how I run a couple bars in the real world. Well, one is in Toledo, OH and the other is in a small town in Southeast Michigan. Every bar has their share of regulars, but in each of my bars there is one regular that is louder, more vulgar, more racist, and more annoying that the others. And both guys at mine happen to be Red Sox fans.

Every Red Sox fan I’ve ever met has been disgusting, embarrassing, and horrifying...and they have scarred me for life.

The greatest collapse in history is complete. Forget Rome. The 1929 stock market crash. The Soviet Union. The Berlin Wall. Super Bowl XLII. The Titanic. The Hindenburg. Home values. Every other baseball team ever. The 2011 Red Sox out Red Soxed themselves –

“Fack all those people that died! This is much worse! Welkah Nation weeps today! How-ah do we recovah from this? Oh, the humanity!”

/cranks up Daughtry CD

/punches girlfriend in crotch

And just like the Patriots, the Red Sox haven't won a postseason game since 2008.

“Three fackin’ ye-ahs! No fanbase is this tortured!”

/ignores championships by Celtics and Bruins

The Curse of Carl Crawford has been born. Where was Mike Greenwell when we needed him?

“That fackin’ dahkee Crawwwfawd facked us! Teddy Ballgame Nation needs mo-wah Greenwell scrappiness! He had hawwwwt!”

In 12 years, Mike Greenwell had a career WAR of 23.5. In two less seasons, Crawford’s career WAR is 27.4.

Oh, and in 17 career postseason games, Greenwell hit .146 for Boston. But it’s all right when you’re all white.

This what happens when you root for the Evil Empire – even for a few hours. Our Faustian bargain backfired. The Devil made us pay and we're in baseball hell. ESPN noted that the Yankees hadn't blown a 7-run lead in the eighth inning or later since 1953.

Oh, fuck you, fuck you, FUCK YOU.

ENOUGH with the Evil Empire bullshit. The Red Sox have out-Yankee’d the Yankees for years now. They’ve shit out millions on Dice-K, Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, Bobby Jenks, John Lackey and many more the past few years. The Sawx are Evil Empire 2.0. You guys can’t play this plucky underdog card anymore. It doesn’t work. That’s Tampa’s gimmick now. You dumped a truckload of money at Carl Crawford and plucked him away from the Rays. Instead of crying about it, they played their asses off and forced their way into the playoffs while your millions blew up in your face. Eat a horsecock, you whiny gashes.

Do you want to clean house? Papelbon, Ortiz, J.D. Drew, Tim Wakefield, Erik Bedard, and Jason Varitek – among others – are free agents.

“Get rid of awll of these fackin’ chok-ahs! We need more Pedroiahhh’s! More Jacoby Ellsbury’s!”

I hope the next “Obnoxious Red Sox Fan” headline I see is “Obnoxious Red Sox Fan Found Dead With Mouth on Car’s Exhaust Pipe”.

We close with a look at the boo-hooing of Mr. Bill Simmons at Grantland.

A month ago, Ryan Lavarnway was in Triple-A. As recently as 48 hours ago, he wasn't playing. Today, in Game 162, with a playoff spot on the line? He's catching and batting fifth.

“How day-ah Tito bat this kid fifth the day aftah he hit two homahs with Youk hurt? Is Tito Grady Fackin’ Little now?”

J.J. Hardy's surprisingly good season (30 homers) inadvertently inspires Daniel and me to discuss whether we'd take HGH if we were baseball players.

“No SAWX play-ah would take PHD’s!”

/ignores HGH-heads Manny and Ortiz being the only reason Boston’s futility isn’t at 93 years

J.D. Drew smacks a one-out single, then cracks wise at first base with Mark Reynolds. "What's going on with J.D.?" Daniel wonders. "He showed emotion last night, now he's smiling. Next thing you know, he's gonna steal a base!" I'm gonna miss these moments with J.D. when he's gone next year. Oh, wait, no I won't.

Every Boston fan hates JD Drew. Never mind that his OPS+ in his Sawx years is a respectable 114. Never mind his WAR the previous four years in Boston were 2.7, 2.7, 5.6, and 2.5. Drew hasn’t been amazing, but he’s been serviceable. But I guess he doesn’t look like he’s TRYING enough. Nothing is good enough for these assholes.

Speaking of bad purchases, Carl Crawford just flied out to end the top of the second.

“Fack you, Cahhhhl! I don’t get it! I talk shit about you every fackin’ day! Why don’t you get bettah?”

I have to come clean: I feel as bad for Crawford as you can feel for someone who's worth nine figures and helped ruin your baseball season.

Yes, blame Crawford. It’s the Boston way. Never mind the Lackey and Lester meltdowns. Or the countless injuries that have destroyed the Sawx roster. All Crawford’s fault.

Two outs, two strikes … home run, Dan Johnson. Right down the right-field line. You've gotta be kidding me. That was basically baseball's version of the Tyree Catch…

David Tyree of the NY Giants is the Boston fan’s football Mookie Wilson or Bucky Dent. They will NEVER stop crying about it. Let it go, people! Move on with your goddamn lives.

Ellsbury quickly steals second and earns some deserved "MVP! MVP! MVP!" chants from the Boston fans on hand.

Let's see: .323/.377/.553, 158 games, 32 HR's, 39 SB's (+24), 105 RBI, 119 runs, good defense in center, the biggest hit of the season (his three-run homer against the Yanks on Sunday night) … it's definitely an argument.

And a shitty one, at that. Let’s see…

Ellsbury: .323/.377/.553, 158 games, 32 HR, 39 SB, 105 RBI, 119 runs
Cabrera: .344/.448/.586, 161 games, 30 HR, 2 SB, 105 RBI, 111 runs

Unless you REALLY love stolen bases, I think Miguel Cabrera gets the edge there.

Although I'd still vote for Justin Verlander.

That’ll work, too. And poor, poor Jose Bautista…

And he goes on crying like my 7 year old with a skinned knee after that.

Look. In 2004, I felt the pain of Tahmmy Brady/Nohmaaaah Nation. I bought into the pain of 86 years of not winning it all. I cheered Boston as overcame the Yankees’ 3-0 ALCS lead and beat the Cardinals in the World Series. And I’m an avid reader and a junkie for baseball knowledge. Take a look at this collection I read after the ’04 season.
But you nut-statins of New England have pissed all that good will away. You became more obnoxious than any Yankee fan ever was. You became entitled. You became an Evil Empire of your own that trumped anything you ever whined about in your stupid penis-envy rivalry with the Yanks.

You have gone from plucky underdog to overbearing asshole in less than a decade. So congratulations on that.

It’s days like this that I’m proud to be a Tigers fan. Take at look at the various Tiger sites right now, including the News and Freep. They’re full of positivity and praise for the team. They’re optimistic and aren’t dwelling on the failures of the past. I rag on many Tiger writers for humor’s sake on this blog, but all of them not named Simonson are doing a heck of a job right now. The same holds true for most Tiger fans. We thrive on hope, not an imagined hopelessness.

We had our own letdowns including 1987, 2009, and the 2006 World Series. But with the exception of a couple notorious hacks, we don’t keep crying about them, make up curses, and beg for attention. We keep moving forward and would kill for a taste of success of Boston sports the past ten years.

Did you happen to see the new episode of Family Guy this past Sunday? The Griffins win the lottery and Peter turns into a terrible, obnoxious ass that no one can stand to be around anymore. This is what happened to Red Sox fans. It's fitting that the Griffins live in New England.

Boston fans are the worst. And it’s fitting they they received the worst September collapse of all time. They can all eat shit and die.

I can’t pass up on mentioning this unrelated media fail to you all today.

Yesterday, Jose Reyes of the Mets bunted for a single and then left the game to assure himself the first batting title in Mets history. Whether or not you think that’s a crappy thing to do is irrelevant. But both Rob Parker and Colin Cowherd threw fits about it today, and each said that it’s something that the great Derek Jeter would never do in pursuit of a batting title.


Via Deadspin: This seems a little unfalsifiable, since Jeter has never won a batting title at all. But there are smaller selfish milestones in baseball, too. Such as the one that faced Derek Jeter on Sept. 26, 2008. There were three games left in the season, and for once, the Yankees weren't going to the playoffs. Jeter's hand was sore from being hit by a ball the week before. His batting average, which had mostly ranged from the .270s to the low .300s through the year, had finished an upswing and started dropping again, down to .301. There was nothing left to play for but pride and dignity and respect for the game itself.

So what did Jeter, the embodiment of everything that's right with baseball, do? He started the game 0-for-2 and saw his average drop to .300—one at-bat away from .2998. At that point, in the third inning, he left the game, never to reappear for the rest of the season.

So spare me the Derek Jeter nonsense, you jackoffs. The Jeter slobbering of the media is almost as intolerable as Red Sox Nation’s media whining.


Russell White said...

You will never convince me that Dan Shaughnessy isn't a Muppet.

dschwang said...


Jay Hathaway said...

Nice job, sir.

Jay Hathaway said...

I don't think that anyone would try to argue against that.  He is most definitely a product of Jim Henson and co.

gobluerick said...

I starting to enjoy your articles more, and more.

Smooth1 said...

Most of the articles on this site are hilarious, but I think it needs to be a rule that Boston speak make an appearance in all future posts.  The accent is funny enough, but seeing it written out makes it even better. 

NCDee said...

"Obnoxious Boston Fan" is not an oxymoron.  It is a redundancy.

SRogo said...

Oh jeez...I'm an idiot. Really should proofread my stuff when I'm poking fun at others...

Damian56xx said...

I don't know what I would have hated or will definitely hate more, the Dead Sux clinching the WC (they failed!!) OR the months of being indecently exposed to the over-ANAL-izing of BAHston's epic collapse by ESPN, et al...with the equally epic collapse of the NL's SHATlanta Graves receiving just a cursory mention by the sports MSM in comparison.


Baroque97 said...

Re: "Cats with Bats" - she just got busy and distracted. Still very active on twitter, though.

Kevin said...

Yea I noticed Carl Crawford seems to get most of the blame. Typical Boston, blame the black guy. Tanking down the stretch of course has nothing to do with the epic collapse.