PIERZYNSKI: Whaddya mean you don’t care? This is Ozzie Guillen we’re talking about! He’s this team’s identity! He’s the fiery passion of the White Sox! Without Ozzie, we might as well be the Astros, man. No one’s gonna pay attention to us now. I bet the Cubs are ecstatic about this.
CRAIN: Quit talking to me, AJ. I hate you. And this team.
PIERZYNSKI: Yeah, that’s another thing. Who else is going to put up with my stupid nonsense without Ozzie here? I’m screwed, dude.
CRAIN: Good. I hope you die.
PIERZYNSKI: Thanks, dude. Means a lot that you’re trying to cheer me up with jokes.
CRAIN: No, I’m serious. I hope you get hit by a street cleaner. Or stabbed to death by a maniac fan. Whatever.
/loud cursing and Spanish heard in hallway
PIERZYNSKI: Here he comes now! Oh, I hope this really isn’t the end…
/door starts to shoot open
Hello, I’m Zack Morris from “Saved By The Bell”. As you may or may not know, DesigNate Robertson has been under criticism from some readers for its foul language used here from time to time. You see, many feel that baseball, and the silly blogs that cover it, should be all serious business where nothing is discussed but how hard Will Rhymes runs to first when grounding out and whether or not Brandon Inge thinks the Tigers are ready for the playoffs.
You see, baseball is serious subject matter and any attempt at providing some humor to this sport of grown men being paid millions to play a kids game should not be tolerated. Add in the fact that if Little Jimmy or Little Janie out there might come across a blog where things aren’t taken so serious and read a curse word, they’ll most likely turn to a life of crime, start using meth, or worse, become a Yankees fan. So something must be done other than the warning at the top of the blog that no one pays attention to.
Thus, with today’s Fake Ozzie Guillen post, something different will be done. I mean, you can’t have an Ozzie post without cursing. That would just be silly. A compromise must be made. It’s like the time Slater and I were both trying to date Kelly. We both couldn’t do it, so we agreed that he’d start banging the ugly girl that did “Showgirls” instead. Everybody wins…except poor Screech who got stuck with Lisa who NEVER put out. Sorry, Screech.
So today, we’ll be inserting another DNR gimmick into the post to prevent the youth of America from being corrupted by seeing the “f” word in print. This post will use the Mad Libs format that has been used in previous game recaps on DNR. Every time Fake Ozzie curses, the naughty word will be replaced with another word from the same general category. Today’s category?
Crappy Tigers from the Past That Make Don Kelly Look Good
Awesome! Now the post is relevant to the Tigers, too! Thanks, three or four over-sensitive mLive readers that only click over when Ian, Matt, or someone is kind (or mean) enough to give DNR a plug! I hope you enjoy this exclusive look into the Chicago locker room. Have a great day and don’t tell Belding I skipped class to tell you all this.
/door finishes shooting open
PIERZYNSKI: So it’s true? You’re really going to Florida?
GUILLEN: You bet ju hairy (Klassen) I am! No more (Lusader)y Chicago media! No more loudmouth, fat, (Logan)head fans. Best of all, no more of Kenny Williams’ bull(Snell). Chicago can suck my (Pittaro)! Hahaha…suckers!
PIERZYNSKI: I can’t believe they’re letting you go, boss. Who’s gonna put bounties out on opposing players now? Who’s gonna throw tantrums to the media to cover up for how much we suck? Who’s gonna give up three to four outs per game with unnecessary bunting? Who’s gonna say racist things about non-Latino players? Who’s gonna keep my annoying, crybaby butt employed now? I’m scared, Oz.
GUILLEN: AJ, here a secret. I always hate your stupid (Schu). I care less.
PIERZYNSKI: Haha…I know you don’t mean that, Skip.
GUILLEN: (Mlicki) yes, I do. Eat (Fick) and die, AJ.
PIERZYNSKI: But why Miami, boss? Their payroll is half of ours. And they only have like twelve fans. Why the hell would you want to leave us for that?
GUILLEN: Three reasons, AJ. One? Dinero. I buying a boat, motha(Hamelin)! Haha! Two, no more Ken Williams. He’s dumber than dog(Hiatt). Overpay Adam Dunn to suck (Greisinger) for us? Trade for an injured, worthless piece of (Haselman), Jake Peavy? Trade Edwin Jackson for nothing but pile of dog(Hunter)? (Figaro) Kenny Williams in the (Berroa) with a broomstick, mang. I outta this (Halter).
PIERZYNSKI: Um, what’s the third reason?
GUILLEN: Dinero again, AJ! Hahahaha! They paying me mad dinero to try and get fans to watch that (Lambert)y team, mang! Maybe I buy two boats! I name one after wife and another after my hairy (Polonia)! Haha…it good to be Ozzie!
PIERZYNSKI: Yeah, but everyone knows that’s not your fault Kenny screwed up, Skip. Please stay.
GUILLEN: I gone. Why I wanna stay anyway? Look around. Look at dis team. Flowers, Pierre, Jesse, Lindsay, Lucy, Alexei, Dayan…is this baseball team or fruity (Fien) bar? Sixth highest payroll in game and you (Cornejo)s not win (Shelby). I may no win in Miami, but at least it be sunny and I getting’ paid like a motha(Lovullo). So suck a (Grilli), AJ. Good luck with yourself. You crybaby (Hinch).
PIERZYNSKI: Goodbye, Skip. You taught me everything I know about being a man.
GUILLEN: Yeah, you a (Borkowski), AJ. (Fossum) off. Forever. I getting’ my bull(Hollimon) from my office and I go buy a Ferrari. Later all you (Ginter)s! Tell you agents not to bother with Marlins! You all can rot in hell! Hahahahahahaha!
/runs out of clubhouse laughing
PIERZYNSKI: Goodbye, Ozzie. I love you.
/tear rolls down cheek as "Arms of an Angel" plays in background
PIERZYNSKI: (whispering) I'll always love you…