As the childish name calling (that I admittedly had a hand in starting) continues in the previous blog entry, I thought I’d move on with a scientifically calculated breakdown of just who really is the better pitcher between Justin Verlander and Jered Weaver. Sadly, that would require actual work and research, so instead I’ll settle this in a gold old-fashioned Catfight.
I’ll put JV and JW up against each other in ten separate categories and see who comes out on top. So easy, even the most simple-minded of an Angels fan can understand.
Let us begin.
1. 2011 Stats
Verlander: 15-5, 2.24 ERA, 181 IP, 178 K, 4 CG, 2 SHO, 0.867 WHIP
Weaver: 14-5, 1.88 ERA, 167.2 IP, 142 K, 4 CG, 2 SHO, 0.942 WHIP
Advantage: Verlander. He leads the league in wins, innings, strikeouts, and WHIP. Weaver only leads the league in ERA and cry-tit tantrums.
2. Career Stats
Verlander: 98-57, 3.58 ERA, 1245.1 IP, 1143 K, 14 CG, 5 SHO, 1.202 WHIP
Weaver: 78-44, 3.28 ERA, 1063.2 IP, 921 K, 8 CG, 4 SHO, 1.164 WHIP
Advantage: Weaver. JV sucked in 2008. Weaver's been consistently good since hitting the majors. Check back in a couple years, though.
Verlander: D-bag frat boy. Did you see him last week giving an interview with his hair spiked up and wearing a pink shirt? Yikes. And trim the arm hair, dude.
Weaver: Like Courtney Love and Nick Nolte (from his mugshot picture) had a brain damaged kid together.
Advantage: Push. There are no winners here.
Verlander: Old Dominion Monarchs, known for women’s basketball and for rowing.
Weaver: Long Beach State 49ers, known for baseball and volleyball.
Advantage: Weaver. Rowing? Really? Plus, Virginia’s a stupid state.
Verlander: 1st round, 2nd pick by Little Caesars in 2004 behind whoever SS Matt Bush is.
Weaver: 1st round, 12th pick by Disney in 2004 behind Bush, Phillip Humber, Jeff Niemann, Jeremy Sowers, Homer Bailey, Neil Walker, a couple no-names, and of course Verlander.
Advantage: Verlander. The Disney company is evil incarnate. Look what they’ve done to ESPN! At least the Angels aren’t owned by them anymore.
6. Family History of Mental Illness
Verlander: None that I know of.
Advantage: Verlander. Jeff Weaver can get fucked with a broken Yoo Hoo bottle.
Verlander: Mike Milchin of SFX
Weaver: Scott Boras of Satan, Boras, and Hitler Inc. Thanks to Boras, Weaver dropped at least 10 spots in the draft and later became the longest holdout in draft signing history.
Advantage: Verlander. Scott Boras is a cockwallet.
Verlander: Emily Yuen, been dating since high school.
Weaver: Kristen Travis, been dating since college.
Verlander: 2 + a few close calls
Weaver: Saw one on TV once.
(To be fair: On June 28, 2008 Weaver and Jose Arrendondo combined to no hit the Dodgers over eight innings, but still lost the game 1–0. This was only the fourth time in major league history that a no-hit bid was unable to go nine innings because of the home team winning the game, and the first as a combined effort. Because they did not pitch nine innings, it is not officially considered a no-hitter. Thus, they can go fuck themselves.)
10. Career Earnings
Verlander: $13.665 million, plus $12.75 million this year, and $60 million from ’12-‘14.
Weaver: $5.5 million, plus $7.365 million this year.
Advantage: Verlander. Sumbitch is loaded. Expect Weaver to get a hellova deal once he ends up with the Yankees one day, though.
Overall, your clear winner is Justin Verlander. As if there was any doubt...