Friday, August 19, 2011
Catfight: Second Base Showdown
But it IS the second half. Raburn’s hitting again, even if his glove still appears to be made of titanium. I thought tonight might be a good time to put Ryno up to the ultimate test. In this edition of Catfight, Ryan Raburn will be matched up against one of the most iconic players in Tiger history, especially with my generation of fans.
Second baseman Ryan Raburn…meet legendary Tiger second baseman Lou Whitaker. On paper, it looks like a mismatch. But let’s take a closer look in ten separate catagories.
1. Nicknamed by Fans
Whitaker: “Sweet” Lou, Sweetness
Raburn: Rayburn, Fuckhead
Advantage: Whitaker. You guys are mean.
2. Career First/Second Half Averages
Advantage: Whitaker. It’s called consistency, Ryan. But Raburn’s a second half BEAST!
3. Defensive Ability
Whitaker: Three Gold Gloves
Raburn: The reason the facepalm was invented.
4. Players Most Similar to via baseball-reference.com
Whitaker: Ryan Sandberg, Alan Trammell, Roberto Alomar
Raburn: Benny Agbayani, Colby Rasmus, Armando Rios
Advantage: Safe to say Whitaker, here.
5. Florida Connection
Whitaker: Lives in Lakeland, FL
Raburn: From Plant City, FL
Advantage: Raburn. I don’t know anything about Plant City except that it’s about 11 miles away from Lakeland. But I’ve been to Lakeland. There are two things to do there. One, watch the Tigers in spring training. Two, kill yourself. Terrible, depressing city.
Whitaker: Millions of Tiger fans crossing generations.
Raburn: Suzanne Raburn. Me. That’s about it.
Advantage: Whitaker...though it's close. I count for a lot. Trouble is, I worship Lou. Sorry, Ryno.
7. Fans Yell at Him
8. City of Detroit
Whitaker: Can’t get him to visit.
Raburn: Can’t get him to leave.
Advantage: Raburn. Be nicer to us, Lou.
9. Relationship with Press
Whitaker: Avoids them.
Raburn: Talks to them, but they can’t understand him. Sounds like Larry the Cable Guy with a mouth full of Novocain.
Whitaker: 1978 AL Rookie of the Year, 5 time All-Star, 3 Gold Gloves, 4 Silver Sluggers
Raburn: 2 time Triple A All-Star, 2007 Tigers Rookie of the Year, winner of “Most Likely to Trip Over Own Tongue” award
And indeed, it’s a landslide. Whitaker kills Raburn.
It’s okay though, Ryno. I’ve still got your back. Help take us to the promised land, you magnificent, misunderstood bastard.