Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Brandon Inge Gets Help From Some Old Friends

(Inside the entrance to an unidentified Detroit bar and grill…)
BRANDON INGE: Golly, David. I sure as heck can’t thank you enough for coming out with me tonight. Boy, oh, boy, it feels good to get out on the town again.
DAVID PAULEY: Sure thing, Brandon. I’m just happy you SPOKE to me. Sometimes I feel like everyone forgets I’m around.

INGE: Sure thing, pal. You see, when I was with the Mud Hens, I assembled myself a little support group, see? We’d go out, have ourselves a swell ‘ol time, and it really helped to clear my noggin, you know? Shani seems to think that might be part of my struggles since that first game back. So, hopefully we can meet up with the fellas tonight and have a neat time.

PAULEY: Sounds good to me, man. So who are we meeting up with tonight? The guys from the Hens?

INGE: Heck, I wish. But Upstate Baller’s moved on to Seattle, Fu, 'Lil Will, and Clete are still givin’ their all in Toledo, and so on. So, these gents are guys I’ve played with over the years and they agreed to meet up with us tonight. Boy howdy, I can’t wait!

PAULEY: Do you know if they’re here yet? I can’t wait to meet some of your pals, man. I haven’t made many friends in Detroit yet. Oh, here comes a hostess.
HOSTESS: Hello, sir. May I help y…wait a minute? Are you Brandon Inge? OHMYGAWD! I used to LOVE you with the Tigers! Of course, I’ve lost thirty pounds and quit listening to The Cure since then. But, wow.

INGE: Thanks, miss. Say, I’m supposed to meet some fellas I used to play with.

HOSTESS: Of course. The ex-Tiger table. They’re seated in the back. Is it just you meeting them tonight?

INGE: Well, actually my teammate David here will be joining us, too.

HOSTESS: Um, who? I don’t see anyone…

PAULEY: I’m standing right here, ma’am.

HOSTESS: Oh, wow. I apologize…how didn’t I see you there? Well, guys, come right this way.

/escorts them to table

INGE: Well aren’t YOU guys a sight for sore eyes!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Detroit Tigers Fans Should Relax This September

Hey, boys and girls, have you looked at a calendar lately? If not, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but September is only a couple days away. And the Tigers are in first place.

Put the knife down! Get off that window ledge! Do NOT swallow that mouthful of pills, dammit!

No, this year is different. I know that September and the Tigers fighting to win the division usually go together like fluffy bunnies and hungry wolves, but this time is going to be different. Your Party Host promises you. Why am I so sure? Well, because this is a completely different situation that what we’re used to seeing in Septembers in Detroit.

Let me explain.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Alex Avila: Detroit Tigers MVP?

Thursday evening, I took part in the Bless Your Boys podcast (twice, actually) and one of the topics was about the league MVP candidates, which led into the topic of the Tigers team MVP this year. Now the other members of the podcast (Al, Rob, David, local drunk chick Alli) all chose Justin Verlander as the team MVP. Your Party Host, however, chose someone that at the beginning of the season, I might have ranked somewhere between Ramon Santiago and Don Kelly…Mr. Alex Avila. I was very wrong.

I really do believe that Avila has been team MVP this year, especially in the past month. Yet I wouldn’t consider him the AL MVP over guys like JV or Miguel Cabrera. Does that even make sense? Do I ever make sense? Let me attempt to explain without sounding clueless like Joe Morgan.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Shameless Self-Promotion

Hey, kids. Isn't this kitten just the cutest thing?  Well, if you don't go to this link and vote for DesigNate Robertson in CBS Detroit's Most Valuable Blogger contest EVERY DAY until the voting ends...kitty will meet shovel. Sorry...I don't make the rules. Also, this is the last time I bug you with this. I just think it would be hysterical to win.

Also, Your Party Host has given in to the constant BEGGING of the Bless You Boys folks and will be appearing on the BYB Podcast tonight for the first time EVER. Be on the lookout the next couple days over there for that, as I'm sure it'll take a couple days for Al to bleep out my unique four-lettered insight. I can only imagine your excitement at getting the chance to here me whip out some baseball knowledge like:

"Huh? I wasn't listening, Al. Sorry."
"Don Kelly sucks. Uh, huh huh huh..."
"Um...cough. Huh?"
"Can I say (BLEEP) on the podcast?  Haha...(BLEEP)."

Yup. I'm not in the running for Most Valuable Blogger for nothing.

As always, thanks for your support.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Top 10 Most Annoying Sports Fanbases

As someone that has spent the past decade working in sports bars (stay in skool, kidz), I consider myself somewhat of an expert on the common traits shared by fans of certain sports teams. And as I read and talk to others across the country, it’s amazing how alike these fanbases are, whether they be living on the East Coast, the West Coast, or here in the Toledo/Detroit area where I’ve spent my whole life.

And not all of them are bad, with the exception of the #1 on this list. But the majority of these fanbases are horrible people that need to spayed or neutered for the good of mankind. As much as I love sports, I remain a normal (though a little cranky) human being while watching my teams. These people turn into psychopaths.

Let us now examine what I view to be the ten most annoying fanbases in sports. And yes, I’m sure that many of you will be unhappy with at least one of my choices. Please do not slash my tires, you bloody savages.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

ESPN Mentions Tigers...Gets Things Wrong

Today while driving around looking for an hooker old lady to kill help across the street, I flipped to ESPN radio and they surprised me by announcing they were going to talk about a pitcher’s chances at winning the MVP award. Of course, this meant they would surely be talking about Justin Verlander and this made me smile since it’s so rare that the Worldwide Leader even acknowledges that there is a baseball team playing in Detroit. Finally! They’re not going to talk about the YANKS and the SAWX, I thought.

Sigh. Yeah, right.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Return of the Troll King: How Wrong He's Been

He’s ALIVE…at MLive! The Troll King lives! After six weeks of silence on the Tigers, Bill Simonson has chimed in today with a piece…ADMITTING HE WAS WRONG?

/has seven consecutive heart attacks

Yes, his HUGENESS admits he was wrong about Jim Leyland…FOR THIS WEEK ONLY. Then he goes on to bad-mouth the Tiger skipper toward the end of the article, anyway. But baby steps, people. The man FINALLY admitted he was wrong about something.

Is this a sign of rational thinking from Bill? To be honest, village idiot Jeremy Bonderman drugged with GHB probably has more rational thinking than The Troll King. But it’s a start. And quite frankly, I’d like to see more of this. And I am MORE than willing to help him out. Don’t believe me? Let’s go through Bill’s columns this season and make a list of things he’s been wrong about so far. And next week, maybe The Troll King can then apologize for everything else.

Get some popcorn, kids. This will be fun. HUGE fun.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

A Mad Libs Recap: Tigers 10, Indians 1

You may have noticed that I sometimes use foul language on this site. My bad. I’m a passionate fan and sometimes get carried away. Also, cursing is just plain funny in the right context.

But as an Oscar Emmy Golden Globe CBS Detroit Award nominee (vote for me every day, dammit!), perhaps I should scale back on such immature, vulgar ways of expressing myself. It worked for Ice Cube…why not me?

The following is a recap of Saturday evening’s Indians/Tigers game. Instead of cursing, though, I will replace the questionable word with another…Mad Libs style. Each one will be sharing a common theme. Today’s theme after the jump.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Back From the Dead

WITCH #1:  Wing of bat, a demon's nutsack, please dark spirits, bring our boy back!

WITCH #2:  A mouse's ears, both a newt's eyes, he who cannot be killed, we command you rise!

/smoke fills the air
WITCH #2:  Huzzah!  Dig, my boy!  Dig!

WITCH #1:  Yes!  Yes!  Come forth!  Hahahahahahahahahahah!
JIM LEYLAND:  (cough...weeze) Uh...diditwork? Diditreallywork!?

Catfight: Second Base Showdown

I’m trying to remember a Tiger non-relief pitcher that’s been more universally criticized by fans more than my boy, Ryan Raburn. The current top choice of Jim Leyland to hold down second base gets booed more than the Klan at the Apollo. Yet he’s still out there every day, our very own Charlie Brown, giving it his all and failing more often than not.

But it IS the second half. Raburn’s hitting again, even if his glove still appears to be made of titanium. I thought tonight might be a good time to put Ryno up to the ultimate test. In this edition of Catfight, Ryan Raburn will be matched up against one of the most iconic players in Tiger history, especially with my generation of fans.

Second baseman Ryan Raburn…meet legendary Tiger second baseman Lou Whitaker. On paper, it looks like a mismatch. But let’s take a closer look in ten separate catagories.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Brain Farts from @PhilCokesBrain, Vol 2

So how does a guy recently nominated for Most Valuable Blogger by CBS Detroit (vote now, you ingrates!) show how much he deserves the award? By cutting and pasting from my email a submission from Twitter sensation @PhilCokesBrain, that's how! Woo hoo!

So what does @Phil have in store for us all this week? Does he have the secret to His Cokeness suddenly not being a KFC dumpster fire on the mound lately? Will he let us know which Tiger is now leading the team in date rapes with Casper out of town? Does he have fond memories of the FOX sitcom "Herman's Head"?

Only one way to find out. Take it away, @PhilCokesBrain.

DNR = Blogging EXCELLENCE...Vote Now

Thanks to Kurt from BYB for pointing out that DesigNate Robertson is in the running for CBS Detroit's Most Valuable Blogger award for 2011. I can only assume that this is some sort of movie stunt where they elect the fat, ugly broad as Homecoming Queen so they can mock her more.  But whatever.  ROGO LUVS ATTENTION.

So go to this link, kids. Vote for DesigNate Robertson early and often. Resist temptation to vote for a good blog like Roar of the Tigers, Detroit4Lyfe, The Wayne Fontes Experience, or one of the others. That would be boring. Instead, vote for um, CHANGE and stuff.

My campaign promises that I won't keep:

-Death to Don Kelly on pay-per-view. Money to be donated to one of Inge's favorite hospitals. And my wallet.

-Free, um, favors from the FSD girls and/or Rick Porcello. Whatever floats your boat.

-A promotion from Toledo for TIMO!

-A demotion from Toledo for CLETE!

-Fewer lazy posts. (yeah, right)

-A flat tax! Maybe...once someone explains to me what a flat tax is!

-Guns, hookers, and firetrucks.

-Nate Robertson's return...but just to the Mud Hens. More Nate equals more DNR fun.

-A rest for Alex Avila. They're gonna kill him, you know.

-And other stuff. Whatever you want. Who loves ya, baby?

/shakes hands

/kisses babies

/winks at chubby intern

I got this down already...

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Media Part 3: The Best/Worst of Local Coverage

To finish up my week of listing my picks for best and worst in media, I’d like to focus on local coverage. I have to admit that my choices are limited to Tiger media due to the fact that I couldn’t care less about the Lions, Wings, or Pistons. Sorry, the Tigers are the only good thing about Detroit, other than the cheap and desperate hookers. (Twenty-nine or two for fiddy…)

On a quick note, no I did not forget Rod and Mario. I don’t mind them, but I’m not in love or hate with either guy. So they won’t be listed here. They're okay in my book, though, if you insist on a comment.

With that in mind, let’s dive into this so I can go back to my normal stupid activities around here.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The 20 Best People That Cover Sports

As promised in my bit on the 20 worst people that cover sports, I’m back with who I consider to be the 20 best. To clarify, this is simply just the 20 national individuals that I happen to enjoy the most. I suspect this list will be argued more than the “worst” list. It’s easy to agree on who sucks in media. But to get everyone to agree on who’s actually good? This would have to be a top two or three list.

One follow-up to the “worst” list…I forgot someone. I knew I would and I’m ashamed of myself. How did I forget Jim Grey? That guy makes my skin crawl. My bad.

Anyway, like the previous list, this isn’t in any order. But I would like to start with the man pictured above…someone that I hope everyone can agree is awesome.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Tigers Acquire Delmon Young: The Good and Bad of the Deal

In case you live under a rock and haven't heard, the Tigers traded a A-Ball pitcher Cole Nelson and a player to be named later to Minnesota for outfielder Delmon Young. Here's the good and bad sides of the deal.

-Last year, Delmon hit .298 with 21 HR, 112 RBI.

-For his career, he's a .289 hitter.

-He's only 25 years old.

-Austin Jackson is now not the only black guy on the team.

-The team didn't sell its soul for a chance at a division title by releasing Magglio Ordonez to make room for him. In fact...

-Adios, Tinkerbell! Will Rhymes sent back to Triple-A where he belongs.

-More RYNO at second! (I may be alone here...)

-Magglio FINALLY moved down to #7 in the lineup.

-.344 lifetime hitter vs. the White Sox.

-Chance of DA MEAT HOOK sightings in Detroit go up considerably.

-Great arm in the outfield...something the Tigers have been lacking.

-Once threw his bat at a Triple-A umpire after being called out on strikes. With the amount of times the Tigers have been screwed by poor umpiring, we need a guy that doesn't take any crap.

-Has struggled this season due to injury.

-Never walks.

-Career batting average of .251 vs. Cleveland is his worst against any AL team.

-Another slow guy that blows on defense (other than his arm). In fact...

-Detroit's defense now worse than that of a wheelchair softball team's.
Overall, I'm quite happy with this deal. Unless they eventually cut Magglio. Then I'm going on an epic drinking binge...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Deleted Scenes: Rudy

FORTUNE:  You're 5 foot nothin', 100 and nothin', and you have barely a speck of athletic ability. And you hung in there with the best college football players in the land for 2 years. And you're gonna walk outta here with a degree from the University of Notre Dame. In this life, you don't have to prove nothin' to nobody but yourself. And after what you've gone through, if you haven't done that by now, it ain't gonna never happen. Now go on back.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The 20 Worst People That Cover Sports

With the amount of crying I do on this site about bad/lazy sports writing, I got to thinking about whom exactly I can’t stand the most in the world of covering the games we love to watch. Between newspaper writers, website bloggers, TV commentators, and so on, there’s so many to choose from. And I am very, very easily irritated, as you may have noticed if you follow this blog.

I don’t think I can narrow it down to just one guy or girl that annoys me the most. But what I was able to do was come up with a list of 20 people, that cover sports in some way, that each make my ears feel like they’re going to bleed or eyes pop out of my head when I’m subjected to their material.

To be fair, in my next piece I’m going to list my 20 favorites in covering sports, too. But for now, let’s focus on those that really suck. The worst of the worst. 20 people that need to go away to make the sports landscape a better place. And don’t look for Joe Morgan…he’s thankfully out of announcing and is now screwing up the front office of the Reds.

One final note…I’m keeping these lists on people that appear nationally in some form. No local guys…yet. After I’m done with both lists, I’ll do one more list focusing on the best and worst of Detroit’s sports coverage. That way, I’m “fair” to everyone. Hooray.

So…in no particular order…

Friday, August 12, 2011

Catfight: '87 Tigers vs. '11 Tigers (Aug 11th Lineups)

I’ve done this once before and found it interesting…or at least something different to talk about. I’ll take the team the current Tigers sent out for a game and compare them to a Tigers team of the past (from a lineup of the same date) in one of my Catfights.

This time, I’ll use last night’s lineup against that of the last Tigers team to win a division, the 1987 Tigers. Both lineups and pitchers used in this piece come from the date of August 11th. We’ll go position by position and see how this 2011 team matches up.

But first, some fun facts on that 8/11/87 Tigers-White Sox game. Detroit won 9-6 to push their record to 64-46, 1 ½ games back in the division. Three future managers played in the contest (Trammell, Gibson, Guillen), as well as one future GM (Ken Williams), and one future Hall of Gamer (Fisk). Trammell had the only Tiger homer in the game to go along with his 4 RBI.

Anyway, let’s begin at catcher and go around the horn.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Detroit Media Lineup Solutions: Good and Bad

We need a little controversy, cuz it feels so empty without me. –Some Guy From Detroit

Hello, upstate ballers and ball-ettes…Daddy’s home. I feel recharged, I’ve got a brand new laptop, and I have a LOT that I want to cover in the next week.

But for my first trick back, I would like to address the national pastime of Tiger fans and writers: bashing Jim Leyland. With the Marlboro Man receiving his extension, everyone and their mentally challenged brother is out there giving their thoughts on Leyland the man, the manager, and the leader.

Myself, I’m not fond of how he manages a game, but I love how he manages a clubhouse. And when I defend him here, most times, I try to defend him against stupid complaints…not complaints in general.

Does that make any sense? Well, let me illustrate.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Takin' a Couple Days Off (Updated)

Your Party Host needs a few days off. I've been writing at a pace here for the past month or so that was bound to catch up with me, and it has. I just need a little break. I'll be back to cracking bad jokes about Don Kelly and anyone that looks at me funny in a couple days, I imagine. I just need to recharge a bit.

As always, thanks a bunch for reading. I appreciate it.

Also, I see DD and JL got extensions. I'm happy for them, but I prefer them under pressure. Lets hope they keep it up...otherwise the trolls are going to be out with torches and pitchforks.

Love you long time. Seeya in a couple days.

UPDATE:  Tuesday evening, my computer died. I took it to two different places and they both told me it's pretty much shot. So, I'm left with the option of begging my bosses for a loan, turning tricks in the CoPa parking lots, or robbing a bank. I'll let you know which option I end up going with. In the meantime, the delay on new content may go on for a couple more days.

In that time, I suggest one of the following:  1) Read a good site for once. 2) Go outside, kiss a girl/boy for crissakes.  3) Send me $500 for being awesome.


Friday, August 5, 2011

Who Hits Justin Verlander? These Guys.

Breaking news, everyone!

Justin Verlander is good at pitching a baseball. Bet ya didn’t know that.

This year, JV is the leading Cy Young candidate in the minds of most sane people. He’s 15-5 with a microscopic 2.24 ERA in 181 innings pitched. In that time, he’s struck out 178, limited batters to a .186 batting average, and has a WHIP of 0.87.

Rod Allen calls Verlander’s starts “Must See TV”. Many folks have remarked that Verlander has the stuff to throw a no-hitter every time he takes the mound. And Saturday, he looks to add to those impressive numbers against a Kansas City Royals team that in his career he’s 12-2 with a 2.31 ERA in 18 starts.

So the question I was pondering today at work (instead of actually working) was, “Who can hit this guy?”

Well, more than you think. Before the jump, I have a question for you. Do you think there have been more players to have multiple home runs in their career against JV, or more guys to have 10 or more hits?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

No Respect

It’s just my worthless opinion, but getting to watch the pitching machine known as Justin Verlander every five days has spoiled quite a few Tiger fans out there.

Let me explain…

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Taking Another Look at the Tigers 40-Man Roster

A few times a year, I like to run through the Tigers’ 40-Man Roster and rank them in order of my personal preference. Being that I have the mind of a mental patient with ADD, it can be assured that these lists will often change quite dramatically. The last time I did this was in early May, when I hated almost everyone on the team, so much probably has changed.

So today, I’ll go by the current roster at the Tigers official website, including those on the DL and the guy waiting to be traded to Seattle. I’ll give you my personal ranking, their previous ranking, a quick thought on the player, and as a bonus, a DID YOU KNOW about each guy. God forbid, you might actually learn something on here today.

Hopefully it’ll be fun. I need a break from pissing people off…at least for a couple days.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

"Bush League" Writing at SI

Since the Tigers/Angels Black Sunday matchup, much has been said and written about it. I’m amazed that the majority of it has been about Justin Verlander being upset over Erick Aybar’s bunt attempt instead of Jered Weaver trying to kill Alex Avila or Carlos Guillen’s admiring of his homer. I mean, with the timing of the bunt attempt and JV being in the heat of the moment of his third no-hit bid, I’d have been shocked if he wasn’t upset over it. But really, who cares in the big picture?

The idiot media, that’s who. Drew Sharp and Jamie Samuelsen at the Freep are all over Verlander for being upset about it. ESPN’s idiot talking heads have chosen to focus on JV and Aybar over everything else. Same with talk radio. I never cease to be amazed at what the big dogs in covering sports do and do not choose to focus on.

And I planned on being a wiseass with one of the freep pieces until I came across Joe Posnanski’s piece for Sports Illustrated. You remember SI, right? Relevant years ago and now mainly read by old men and people waiting to see the dentist?

Well, Joe actually skipped the Verlander/Aybar nonsense and has written about Guillen and it hit a nerve with me because it appears that Joe didn’t even watch the game. If you want to get high and mighty on something, it would be nice if you had all the details on a matter. This is why I don’t blame the Angels fans for jumping all over Carlos, JV, Maggs, or even the ones that jumped on me after the game. They’re defending their guys. And they watched the game. I may not agree with them, but I can respect them defending their team. But I don’t think Joe saw anything but the highlights.

I’ll explain this more as we go on.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Brain Farts from @PhilCokesBrain, Vol 1

A few times since I started this silly blog, I've received offers from several nice enough folks that have offered to contribute to "the cause", if you will. I've always been reluctant to have another voice on here since this is my bastard child and I didn't really feel comfortable with anyone else's stuff on here.

But since starting my WORLD HEINOUS Twitter account, I've become quite the fan of the work of the inner thinkings of @PhilCokesBrain. He contacted me recently about posting some of his thoughts here and I thought it would be a fun change of pace from my idiotic ramblings and overuse of the "f" word from time to time. So, here's a few thoughts sent in by @Phil...I hope he doesn't mind me calling him that.

Ladies and germs, @PhilCokesBrain.

Catfight: Verlander vs Weaver

Wow…I haven’t received this much attention since that time I exposed myself to those middle school girls back in ’07. Thanks, Rev. You ass.

As the childish name calling (that I admittedly had a hand in starting) continues in the previous blog entry, I thought I’d move on with a scientifically calculated breakdown of just who really is the better pitcher between Justin Verlander and Jered Weaver. Sadly, that would require actual work and research, so instead I’ll settle this in a gold old-fashioned Catfight.

I’ll put JV and JW up against each other in ten separate categories and see who comes out on top. So easy, even the most simple-minded of an Angels fan can understand.

Let us begin.