Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Tigers Beat A's, and I am Awesome

Let me take a break from my constant negativity and tearing apart the work of others to tell you about my trip to Comerica Park Tuesday night. It was a fun evening.

The Tigers won, 8-3. Big Mig and Zombie Guillen had long home runs. Brennan Boesch had a monster night at the plate. Victor Martinez turned a sure out at home plate (eff yew Lamont) into a run with a dance move that even the mighty Papa Grande or future Mrs. Brad Penny couldn’t pull off. AlAl is looking sweet again. Brandon Inge was a dumpster fire and kept getting booed all evening. So much good stuff.

I got to meet Grey from the always entertaining Fire Gerald Laird blog. (Thanks for hooking me up with the ticket, dude.) Got to meet the artists known as “Detroit Chick” and "Tiger Dog" from the BYB game threads and twitter. Dunno if they want you psychos knowing their real names. Ha. Nice folks. And I got to hang out with Allison, the dreaded enforcer of BYB and her own blog she never updates, No Run Support. She rules beyond all belief.

But forget ALL of that stuff.

Guess who caught himself a foul ball off the bat of Alex Avila???
Me, bitches! ME!

You should have seen it. A screaming line drive that had grown men diving out of the way. Defensive wizards Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, and Ryan Raburn would have had difficulty bringing it in, I tell you. And who’s mighty BARE HAND thrust into the air to snag it just in time from hitting a slow-reacting nun in the face? Your Party Host, that’s who! Giggity, giggity, goo, I effin’ rule!

Okay, that’s not entirely true. The ball popped over toward our section, some dumbass missed it, it went off my fingertips, some other idiots kicked it around, and it ended up rolling back to me. Then some kids begged me for the ball. Bite me, you little bastards. Consider it a life lesson. You aren’t going to get far in life expecting people to hand everything to you. And if any annoying kid is going to get the first foul ball (and second ever for me) since I got one off the bat of the immortal Paul Bako at Tiger Stadium many moons ago…well, it’s gonna be my own annoying kid. But at age 7, I don’t think he’s ready for it yet. Maybe when he turns 21.

Yes, I’m 34 going on 10. Don’t judge me. Shut it.

Oh yeah, after the jump, I would like to discuss the other thing that happened tonight at the game. Something terrible that made me ashamed to be a Tiger fan…

 Sad pic via Detroit News

FUCK YOU, RICK PORCELLO! You’re lucky he’s alive, you runny cunt ooze!

Ex-future Tiger All-Star Scott Sizemore returned to the D for the first time since being traded to Oakland for the human waste of space known as David Purcey. Size struck out in his first appearance (but what mighty cuts he took!) and in the second at bat, Porcello drilled Scotty Size right in the fucking face. The place got hushed. I was in a state of disbelief and concern. Kurt from BYB, no doubt, had an erection. It was awful.

Luckily, Sizemore got up, walked off on his own, and had x-rays which thankfully came back negative. To the credit of the Tiger faithful, they gave Sizemore a nice ovation when he got up. They’re not all bad, I guess.

What was I talking about? Hitler or something? Oh, no, I was talking about YOU, Kid Rick! You cock rot! Who put you up to this? Did word get out that I was going to be in attendance and DD or JL decided to “teach that potty mouthed idiot blogger a thing of two” by drilling my boy? Huh? Or did Dave give the order since he realized how stupid it was to trade Size more that idiot Purcey and he's sick of looking bad? Is that it? WHO ORDERED THE FUCKING CODE RED?

Or did Rick act on his own here in an attempt to win brownie points with the organization? He does have a violent streak. See?
Rick, we’ve always been on good terms, despite you sucking most of the fucking time. You are on notice. Don’t fuck with me.

Later, at a bar, I'm pretty sure I was poisoned.  I had chest pains like Fred Sanford for like three hours.  Again, part of the conspiracy.  I get it...everyone's out to get me. I've consumed nearly a metric ton of antacids since getting home.

Oh, and Casper Wells got sent down after the game. Imagine that. I am always right. Usually.

More importantly, I got to see the look on his biggest fan’s face (Alli) when they announced it. Glorious. It’s awesome being dead inside, I tell you. (Actually, sorry, Casper. You did a good job and I hope you’re back soon.)

To review…it was a great night at the ballpark. Good people, fine play (except Inge), Sizemore lived, excitement all around, and most important, a Tigers win.

There’s nothing better than that.
EXCEPT GETTING A FOUL BALL! I am the greatest! Rogo: 1, Everyone Else: 0!


Ian Casselberry said...

Total fucking envy. I've never gotten a foul ball, let alone one from Lord Avila. And I wouldn't hand it over to a kid, either.

Ian Casselberry said...

Not sure I'd put that thing in my mouth, though. They rub those balls with mud, you know.

Riotgear16 said...

That's awesome! last year my now-wife and I attended a game shortly after accepting my proposal to be chained to my side forever, when good ole Avila hit a foul ball off of Mr. Rivera himself that landed a few seats from me and ended up in my hands. I gave her that ball, she smiled, then I gave her a couple more after the game. Excellent night in Detroit, only they lost that game.

Jay Hathaway said...

"Defensive wizards Ozzie Smith, Omar Vizquel, and Ryan Raburn would have had difficulty bringing it in, I tell you."

That dance move by Victor was the shit.  He deked Suzuki out of his catcher's gear.

DetroitChick said...

that POS, Sizemore is lucky it was only a ball in the face. I would have given anything to see Rick dropkick his ass after he hit the ground 

frisbeepilot said...

Nice snag, good sir. I had a foul ball clank off my hand at Skydome last year.

Kevin L. said...

I envy you.  I've never gotten a foul ball.  I had a Craig Monroe pop foul wrestled away from me back in '06 and I'm still bitter.  Congrats on a good night by all.

Allison Hagen said...

you're not so bad yourself, mister.

that was a great game to be at. definitely made up for all the bad luck I supposedly brought to the other games.

Jay Hathaway said...

I remember as a kid, my mom would drop me off at the Hens games at the old Skeldon, and I would come home with like 8 foul balls because no one was ever at the games.  Those were great days, every time.

h2opolopunk said...

I'd be more worried about them scratching their crotches, then rubbing the balls. 

Julie said...

Avila's ball has brought us luck!

Wintucket said...

It appears you would blow yourself if you could.