Sunday, July 3, 2011

Rick Knapp Put Out of His Misery

After today’s victory over the Giants, Tigers pitching coach Rick Knapp was fired. Bullpen coach Jeff Jones has been named his replacement. When I first heard via text, I read that "Jonesey" was taking over. At first I though that meant Todd Jones had received the position and I began tying a noose in my closet when I found out that it was in fact, Jeff.

Close one.

Early word is that Dave Dombrowski and Jim Leyland felt that the staff was underperforming and thus, Knapp’s head was put on the chopping block. Personally, I think Rick was made into a scapegoat to make it look like two guys in their contract year are doing anything to win. Rick never seemed to be one of Leyland’s “boys” like the Pittsburgh posse of Lamont and McClendon and earlier, Van Slyke. But whatever.

Perhaps we’ll find out more in the upcoming days about this. Facts are facts, Rick Porcello, Max Scherzer, Phil Coke, and most guys not named Justin Verlander have done some struggling lately.

But I have a secret.

I know what really happened. Take a look.

(After Saturday’s blow-out loss…)
JIM LEYLAND: Stupidfuckingteam. FuckifIknowwhattodowiththisteam. (Lights cigarette.) Anyoneheregotanyideas? (snort)

GENE LAMONT: These guys are lazy. Ain’t nothing you can do about it, Skip. They’re lucky you didn’t cut ‘em all after that game. Right, Tom?
TOM BROOKENS: Leave me out of it, guys. I’m just here to do my job.

LAMONT: How about some team spirit, huh, Tom? You ARE part of this team, right?

BROOKENS: Right, right. You’re doing great, Jim. I’m happy to be here.

LEYLAND: ThanksTom. (hack) Whataboutyou...whatsyernameagain?
RICK KNAPP: Sigh. I don’t think you want me to answer that, Jim.

LEYLAND: Whatthehelldoyoumeanbythat? (wheeze)

KNAPP: Where’s Lloyd? Talk to him first.

LAMONT: You know it’s Lloyd’s naptime.

KNAPP: It’s ALWAYS Lloyd’s naptime.

LEYLAND: Fuckoff, Rick. (hack) Lloydworksashardasanyofusdo. (coughs up yellowish mass the size of a golf ball)

KNAPP: Exactly.

LAMONT: If you have a problem, Rick, let us know.

KNAPP: Really, Gene? You want to know? My problem is this. You two fuckers are thick as thieves. You don’t consult myself, Tom, or even Lloyd when he’s awake, about this team. Villareal back up again? Really? He wasn’t shitty enough the first time around?

LEYLAND: That’sYOURjobtomakehimbetter! (spits)

KNAPP: I can’t shine a fucking turd, Jim! You were the ones that wanted to make Coke a starter! You were the ones that brought that fat fuck Penny in! You were the ones that traded Sizemore for that piece of shit Purcey! You’re the ones that keep putting that idiot Raburn on the field! You’re the ones that pull Magglio in the 5th inning every day! Gene, you’re the human windmill that sends people home from third when the ball’s twenty feet away! Poor Andy Dirks is STILL running from that flyout a couple weeks ago, you fat fuck! Jim, YOU’RE the one that keeps batting your little buddy Kelly second every God damned day! You’re the asshole that brought that little shit Rhymes up out of Spring Training! You’re the one that left Alburquerque in FOREVER when you knew his arm was sore! It’s you fuckers that have costed us seven to ten games this year! It’s your fucking contract year, isn’t it Jim? Why don’t you start acting like it!

LEYLAND: (lights another cigarette) GoodideaRick.

(Sunday afternoon)
DAVE DOMBROWSKI: We have decided to dismiss Rick Knapp effective immediately as the pitching coach of the Detroit Tigers.

(Watching on monitor.)

LAMONT: Great move, Skip. The nerve of that asshole, right Tom?

BROOKENS: Oh…yup. Can’t believe it. Right, Lloyd? Lloyd?

LAMONT: He’s taking his after-nap nap.

BROOKENS: I’m starting to think Andy Van Slyke was right…

LAMONT: What’s that?

BROOKENS: Nothing! Nothing…

1 comment:

h2opolopunk said...

You've got the Leyland dialect down pat. Well done.